100 lb. Club - Breaking up with my diet partner? (long vent-y post)




Veneficae
01-05-2013, 03:12 PM
I feel like I want out of the dieting relationship! I thought it would be really great to have a partner, but I have come to realize that we just want totally different things.

We're both doing Weight Watchers. I adore it... it's so easy! I pay for the online version, and she chose to gather information on the internet and "bootleg" it. OK. Well, I'm annoyed by this anyway, because I respect copyright information and think Weight Watchers has a right to their intellectual data and formulas and I don't think it's honest or right to benefit from the program without paying for it. Whatever. What really bugs me though, is that since it's a lot of work to find points info online, she now constantly asks ME how many points to track for a food. How do I do this, how do I do that, how much is this, how much is half of that. I want to tell her, if you want Weight Watchers info, cough up the $19 a month and get it!

Another reason is that for her, diet and food is 100% of her life right now. If we are in a room full of other people, she wants to talk about weight and diet and food. She knows my starting weight and goal weight and current weight, and frequently announces this to others, to my complete mortification. I can see our mutual friends are annoyed by her constant "diet" chatter. I don't want to be ostracized by association!

Don't get me wrong... she's a good friend and I LOVE having an accountability buddy and a cheerleader... I suppose I need to just woman up and tell her that these things are bothering me.

One more thing... this is super petty and I only bring it up to vent... her new clothing choices are embarrassing. She wears the same outfit every day (she has it in a million color combos) - Skin-tight leggings and a thin, clingy knit dress on top. Cute outfit, but she's just not "there" yet. People who weigh 270 pounds just don't look stunning in skin tight leggings and clingy knit dresses! I'd never say this to her because obviously she likes the way it looks and it gives her confidence, but I'd love to see her rockin' something with a little more structure.

OK.. well thanks for the vent-room!


CherryQuinn
01-05-2013, 03:20 PM
I dont know man when I was 270lbs I could rock a latex corset dress and fishnet thigh highs and 5 inch heels like no ones business (and still can even better now) and thats not me being conceited either, I knew what worked for my curves and I'm young and like to feel my age and my 'scene'. Was I as good in it as someone 120lbs? Probably not, but I certainly didn't look bad either nor did I care what others though, I felt good. Youre talking leggings and knit dresses, I think thats perfectly fine clothing. What is she supposed to wear at 270slbs? A potato sack lol. I'm not taking the mickey out of you I'm just saying I don't get that comment at all? Could it be you yourself just don't feel comfortable in leggings and knit dresses?

Anyways if you're not comfortable with her as a diet partner anymore because you guys have diff goals or dress diff or have diff feelings about your diet privacy, let her know or choose a more similar diet partner :)

bargoo
01-05-2013, 03:32 PM
You need to have a talk with her and let her know that your current weight, starting weight and what you have lost is for you and you only to share with whomever you wish.Ask her to please stop as it is your information not hers to share. Then thank her for respecting your wishes.


Veneficae
01-05-2013, 03:44 PM
What is she supposed to wear at 270slbs? A potato sack lol.

That part was pure snark, I admit it! She can wear whatever she likes... I'm not about to say anything to her. People of all sizes can look fabulous. The point I was trying to make is that the dress she's chosen ISN'T flattering to her shape and curves. This dress is shapeless, and clings to all the wrong places, sits on all the wrong spots, and accentuates every little roll and bump and divot. She's lovely... I just wish she'd wear something that flattered her figure now.

CherryQuinn
01-05-2013, 03:49 PM
That part was pure snark, I admit it! She can wear whatever she likes... I'm not about to say anything to her. People of all sizes can look fabulous. The point I was trying to make is that the dress she's chosen ISN'T flattering to her shape and curves. This dress is shapeless, and clings to all the wrong places, sits on all the wrong spots, and accentuates every little roll and bump and divot. She's lovely... I just wish she'd wear something that flattered her figure now.

:P we all know fashion victims and unfortunately we cant save them

MrsTryingAgain
01-05-2013, 07:11 PM
Sorry to hear about this. But you know if it's going to be a struggle for you or an obstacle...you need to do what is best for you. You are on a journey for life. I kinda look at it like the Lord of the Rings trilogy really. (YES! I'm a geek, but I think it fits) We all need our Sam's, Gandalf's, Gimley's, Legolas', Aragorn's & even our Gollum's to help us along the way. But there will come times when we need to part company. Does this person help us or hinder us? And even if our goals are the same...lose weight/be healthy...we don't all follow the same path nor do we move at the same pace.

Yes, loosing weight is a very private thing. It's nice for people to notice when we are doing well. It's nice to have people there for support & encouragement. But it does not have to consume us the way we used to consume so much junk food or whatever. Also the more I find I talk about food...the most I want the things I really shouldn't have so often. It also can become like a broken record...I'm loosing weight, I'm loosing weight, I'm loosing weight, I'm loosing weight...repeat... UGH!!!!

I happen to agree with you about the constant questions. It's not fair to you. IMHO people learn & retain more IF they research for themselves. I'm doing that now with my hubby's medications & health condition, but that is because I sat down & did hours of research. I'm helping him answer questions about what's ahead for him because he does have a slight learning disability & doesn't quite know how to phrase things to get answers, but HE is learning by asking me & doing some on his own research.

Now for clothes...this is a real bugaboo with me. I don't dress fancy, but it'll be one of the first to notice is something isn't "right" for someone. I may not say anything, but I'll think it. Maybe that's bad on my part, but not all clothes are for all people...it's just the way it is. I won't wear certain colors or styles cause I know they just DO NOT look good on me. As for snug fitting...no thanks! I dress for comfort & also there is nothing more embarrassing than having a seam come undone or the seat of your pants split! One thing that makes me crazy is people who are CONSTANTLY adjusting their clothes! If you have to constantly tug, adjust & tug again...guess what! You've got the WRONG size!!! I also don't like to have a lot of cleavage hanging out...I got large breasts, just looking at me you know it so I don't have to show it. I really do not want a clothing "malfunction". I also know that the men like a little something left to the imagination. Imagination is what gets guys to daydreaming about us females. TRUST ME!

BreathingSpace
01-05-2013, 08:59 PM
What really bugs me though, is that since it's a lot of work to find points info online, she now constantly asks ME how many points to track for a food. How do I do this, how do I do that, how much is this, how much is half of that. I want to tell her, if you want Weight Watchers info, cough up the $19 a month and get it!



I don't know if you're like me, but part of why people ask me questions about certain things I'm into is because they know either I will have the answer or be able to find the answer quick. I get super irritated with people who don't even TRY to research it themselves because they know they dont have to as I will either have or find the answer for them.

When I feel people are doing this I just start saying "sorry I don't know". I only have to say this one or two times before they get the hint and stop asking. Maybe you could try this tactic? Or tell her to go to Dottie's site for all the info.

As for the clothing vent, you're probably just really annoyed with her right now so everything she does is bothering you, including what she wears! Lol.

GlamourGirl827
01-06-2013, 04:57 PM
I feel like I want out of the dieting relationship! I thought it would be really great to have a partner, but I have come to realize that we just want totally different things.

We're both doing Weight Watchers. I adore it... it's so easy! I pay for the online version, and she chose to gather information on the internet and "bootleg" it. OK. Well, I'm annoyed by this anyway, because I respect copyright information and think Weight Watchers has a right to their intellectual data and formulas and I don't think it's honest or right to benefit from the program without paying for it. Whatever. What really bugs me though, is that since it's a lot of work to find points info online, she now constantly asks ME how many points to track for a food. How do I do this, how do I do that, how much is this, how much is half of that. I want to tell her, if you want Weight Watchers info, cough up the $19 a month and get it!

Another reason is that for her, diet and food is 100% of her life right now. If we are in a room full of other people, she wants to talk about weight and diet and food. She knows my starting weight and goal weight and current weight, and frequently announces this to others, to my complete mortification. I can see our mutual friends are annoyed by her constant "diet" chatter. I don't want to be ostracized by association!

Don't get me wrong... she's a good friend and I LOVE having an accountability buddy and a cheerleader... I suppose I need to just woman up and tell her that these things are bothering me.

One more thing... this is super petty and I only bring it up to vent... her new clothing choices are embarrassing. She wears the same outfit every day (she has it in a million color combos) - Skin-tight leggings and a thin, clingy knit dress on top. Cute outfit, but she's just not "there" yet. People who weigh 270 pounds just don't look stunning in skin tight leggings and clingy knit dresses! I'd never say this to her because obviously she likes the way it looks and it gives her confidence, but I'd love to see her rockin' something with a little more structure.

OK.. well thanks for the vent-room!

It can be tough when diet "teams" go south. I've been there.
About the WW stuff, is she struggling financially? I have a friend that there's no way she could afford WW. Now I'm not doing WW, but if I was, I would share the info with her, but again I have no intention of doing it, although I have in the past. In a case where someone legit can't afford it but has the need and determination to lose weight, I don't think a giant corperation's dues should stand between them and their weight loss, IF they really needed WW to make those changes. If she has some nutritional understanding of what she should be eating she can just count calories. If she can afford it and she's just asking you to save the money, I admit I'd be a little bit annoyed. I would get the same feeling as someone cheating off me during a test! If she can afford it, I would just tell her that you have neough work looking up your own food items and that it would be easier for both of you if she just joined. And let her know that the benefits of WW aren't just the point info, its the support, the meetings ect.

I would tell her asap that it is not her place to talk about your weightloss. Period. I am actually so quiet about my own weightloss in public, that if anyone ever did that to me, I would be pretty mad. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about her talking about her own weightloss. You can casually change the topic, but if she finds her way back to it, the only thing you can do is tell her to stop talking about it, which will probably go over like a lead balloon. I have had many times in my life where I'm in company and someone is just going on and on about a subject and everyone is giving off social cues that they are not interested, and the talker doesn't get it. (anyone ever see the episode of Big Bang Theory where Howard brings up that he went into space in EVERY conversation? its pretty funny:lol:)

Are you sure your friends are annoyed by her diet talk? Have you actually asked them? I would say if they were true friends they wouldn't ostracize either of you for diet talk. If you are in a group of friends that might stop talking to you based on what your friend is saying, and stop talking to her because if it, you might want to re-evaluate these friends.

I don't know how long you've know them, but friends go through each others ups and down with them. And while its not considerate to take up an hour talking about yourself and diet, friends expect to hear more about a big deal in a friends life. It might be an up coming wedding, a new job, a baby on the way, a house purchase, or a vacation...I'm sure I've gotten tired of hearing about some of these things at times from my friends, and they have gotten tired of hearing it for me, but good friends understand. The people that walk away because they don't want to hear it, were never really friends, in my opinion.

Lastly you mentioned what she is wearing is not flattering, and embarrassing. Are you embarrassed to be seen with her? I admit that I have a friend that has a big chest but does not support the girls, and wears low cut stuff, but it looks really um trashy. I found at first I was embarrassed to be seen with her because I thought that people would think she looks inappropriate and then judge me because of it.

But I realized that it wasn't her problem, but mine. Aside from tat tats that need more structure, she is an awesome person, and once I stopped being so concerned with what other people thought of her (because she wasn't) while we were together, I was able to find a great friend. I guess she feels comfortable in clothes that I wouldn't and unless she actually has a nip slip, its not my place to criticize her. If your friend feels good, that's all that matters.

I don't mean to over step my boundaries, and I say this to help but it seems that two of the three things that you are worrying about, aren't about your friend, but about you being embarrassed to be associated with her, and to be honest that likely comes from your own insecurities. I'm speaking from experience. And I'm saying this to help because I've been there and I've distanced myself from good people in my life, because I was worried what others thought. I've struggled with this, not just with the friend I mentioned but in other ways with other people. I was concerned about their behavoir, their clothes, what they said, what they did and what others thought. (And I had the same concerns about my own action, clothes ect.)

Ask yourself, is your friend a good friend? I get that talking about your weightloss is not her place, but is she generally an inconsiderate person? Does she disrespect you? Does she undermine your weightloss? Does she violate your trust a lot? If she's a crumby friend, then I'd say move on. But if she's a good friend, and it seems that some of your concerns are about how she reflects on you, then maybe you need to take a step back and find out why you feel that way. I don't know how old you are, but this is usually more common in youth, but I can tell you now at 32 I wish I could go back and change some of the people I drifted away from because I felt that our other "friends" (who I'm no longer friends with) would think poorly of me because of someone I was associating with.
Hope this helps. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I just wish someone had said this to me 10+ years ago. :)

Veneficae
01-06-2013, 07:04 PM
About the WW stuff, is she struggling financially?

Ugh, no. Not at all. I'm the single mom with two kids working two jobs. She's married and childless and her husband has a good job.

I would tell her asap that it is not her place to talk about your weightloss.

We've had this conversation a couple of times. She will always say "oh, i'm sorry" and then next time we're in the lunch room or something with other people, out it comes.


Are you sure your friends are annoyed by her diet talk?

I have overheard them say that it's annoying. These aren't necessarily our "friends" but our co-workers that we spend the majority of our waking hours with!


Lastly you mentioned what she is wearing is not flattering, and embarrassing. Are you embarrassed to be seen with her?

No.. i'm not embarrassed to be seen with her. I don't know how to explain this... It's coming from a place of love, I swear it is. I just want other people to see her looking nice and see how hard she's working instead of, perhaps, how far she has to go.

But if she's a good friend, and it seems that some of your concerns are about how she reflects on you, then maybe you need to take a step back and find out why you feel that way.

She's a good person and that's probably why I chose to vent here instead of complaining to her face. None of it was really that important. It's good to get other's perspectives on things sometimes. Thanks!

Veneficae
01-06-2013, 07:09 PM
Misti its easier to just vent anonymously about someone than it is to say something that your feeling at the moment to another person.

Thank you, for sticking up for me.. ha! It's true though, I vented here BECAUSE we are friends and I don't want to go to her just because I'm having a crabby day and be all biatchy about stupid stuff. I came here because it's safe and for the the MOST part, people totally understand and I can come away with some words of wisdom from people who aren't emotionally involved.

bleuwater
01-06-2013, 09:35 PM
Sounds like her diet is becoming work for you. your own is hard enough, right? Tell her you're beginning exhausted with all the diet chatter and she needs to take the wheel for a while. And, sharing your weight is completely wrong. You have to say something. Be funny about it and say "girls, if I hear you tell one more person about my weight, I'm going to lock myself in the house and never go out with you again" then hug her and say "please!". She'll get it!

GlamourGirl827
01-07-2013, 10:53 AM
She's a good person and that's probably why I chose to vent here instead of complaining to her face. None of it was really that important. It's good to get other's perspectives on things sometimes. Thanks!

Ah, coworkers. That makes more sense. I was picturing friends friends, like you were all hanging out on the weekends.

I'm a pretty forward person (not as much in my early 20s) but now I'm all about airing everything out.

If I had told someone a few times not to talk about my weightloss stats in a group, and they continued to anyway, it would be over. Done. Move along. That for me would be the deciding factor, she keeps breaking your trust, in that you are trusting her with info and asking her not to sharing it, but she's sharing it anyway.
Good Luck!

GlamourGirl827
01-07-2013, 10:55 AM
xoxxoxox your intent was clear and you really do come across a nice person I think you took some flack for other peoples' issues. xoxoxox

I know you didn't like Misti's response, but you say people, plural. Who else are you referring too? Do tell.