[bunnythesAINT]

So pretty much...it's been something like two years since I began losing weight? The bright side? I've stayed from around 215/220, which is still nowhere near the 266 I was before. That's awesome and I can recognize that.
Everything else is not so bright. I had managed to get down to 183 which WOULD be awesome if the last 20 pounds getting there I hadn't starved myself.
I would literally not eat over 600 calories a day and I feel horrible because I was still really active on here at that time, posting pictures and people were saying how great I looked. It was a lie. I felt like crap all the time. I was tired, my skin looked sick, and my hair was falling out.
But not too long after that I stared bingeing. All. The. Time. I was SO hungry that literally NOTHING I ate filled me up. I started bingeing and purging. I know that's not really touched on or can be worked on properly on here, on any website, but I'm just laying everything out.
When I joined the site I was...15/16? I'm 18 now. I have managed to completely jack up my life. I had a year-long fight with substance issues, and I literally feel like I'm going nowhere and I'm always paranoid, still, about my weight.
But then...I was thinking...when was I the happiest, last? It was when I was losing weight. And not when I was starving or bingeing, when I was actually honestly losing weight by exercising and eating decently.
But how do I even begin? I didn't realize the last time what a huge issue my eating was! I don't even know how to kick start it because, especially after dealing with all the other things, eating is the last comfort I have left!
I'm not comfortable with myself, not in my body. But I never was anyway? Even when I was losing. Like after gaining some of the weight back, I look at how tiny I looked compared to now and I'm like "What's wrong with you, Rachel?! You didn't look fat at all! But how do you feel now??"
I want to be able to stop the bingeing, but I don't know how. I mean...I know HOW but what else can I do?! I've literally been addicted to SOMETHING my whole life and from the get-go it was food. How am I suppose to stop eating when it's been the only constant thing I've had to fall back on??
I want to be able to feel as good as I did before but I don't want to start sliding into unhealthy/controlling/bad habits like I did before. I'm almost scared to do it again, knowing that I messed up so bad last time

[drixnot]

Focus on eating healthy foods BEFORE you get hungry.... set up an eating schedule if you have too. Start everyday with a few eggs... drink only water.

Figure out what meals you enjoy that are also healthy and keep those foods around you. If you don't know how to cook.... collect recipe and LEARN. Its not hard, heck even if you fail you might have fun.

[Desert Dweller]

Hey,
These are complex issues that you are talking about but at the same time the fact that you are talking about them is a great step.
As a first step I would recommend that you educate yourself on why you have become addicted to food and substances. There is definitely an underlying reason for it. It might be anxiety/fear, pain (mental or physical), it might be physiological.
A few things to consider:
What do you feel like immediately before you go on a binge or abuse substances?
Do you talk negatively to yourself? Do you say mean or hateful things to yourself about your mistakes? Do you criticise your behaviours? Are you angry or upset or feeling completely out of control?

The reason I ask all these things is that you really need to break down the addiction into two parts.. Cause and effect. It is by knowing what you ae facing that you can start to beat it.
If you do any of the things I said above I highly recommend you see a counsellor. If your school has one free then start there, otherwise see what is available in your community. They will be able to help you through the process and help you recognise that the addiction is just a symptom of some other problem. You can be happy, you won't always have to feel so lost and stuck.
Realise that this is a fight you can WIN but you will need support along the way. If possible start with the counsellor and they can probably help you with deciding what to say to your parents and best friends if and when you are ready.

Negative self talk is so detrimental. You need to start reminding yourself that you are strong and brave and beautiful. Every time that nasty voice starts in your head try and ignore it.. Or counter it with nice things about yourself. You might not win the first time. But it's like riding a bike. Keep trying.
That's my two cents worth. I'm no expert so if you have a better strategy go with that.. You deserve to be healthy and happy and supported. So keep posting and keep a diary. Getting these thoughts out of your head so you can analyse them is really important.

[coffeeshopgirl]

I agree with Desert Dweller - breaking down your addiction into parts is key.

I have been gaining and losing and gaining back my weight for several years now. Over the past year, I've been educating myself on healthy weight loss, frame of mind, and keeping the weight off.

This is what has worked/is working for me:

1. Listening to weight loss podcasts - specifically the ones that focus on eating healthy and positive thinking. I can suggest the ones i listen to, if you like.

2. Preparing ALL of my meals in advance. I've been doing this for 6+ months now. I take an afternoon out of my Saturday or Sunday and I crock pot a soup, pot roast, or chili, and I portion it out for lunches throughout the week. I have a bunch of tupperware, and I'm always using it.

3. Lately (only since last week), I have been successfully counting calories. I found out what was healthy for my weight and I have stuck to it. I'm eating all the time, it seems, and by the time my after-dinner snack comes around, there's no need to binge because I'm full from the day of eating.

4. I've been on this forum since Nov 18th, and it's helped me tremendously through my bingeing. It's been instrumental in getting me though this, simply to remind me that I'm not alone in my weight loss struggles.

Realistically, it's taken me a year to get this far. I've fallen off the wagon with my eating before, but I always told myself 'Well, I've done this (prepping my meals) before, I can do it again."

The podcasts have really helped me solidify this weight loss frame of mind. I've tried exercising, but for now I need to mast each step of my weight loss journey One Step At A Time.

My advice is to stick around and focus on positive self talk and start thinking of realistic, little (but significant) changes you can make in your life. Once you master those, then move on to other positive healthy changes.

Good luck, and if you would like more info/specifics, please let me know.

~CSG

[freelancemomma]

I think you've learned that extreme deprivation just doesn't work. Leaving the psychological stuff aside, I suggest you concentrate on developing an eating plan that keeps your hunger to a minimum while allowing you to lose weight at a leisurely pace. This may involve regular protein and some high-volume, high-fibre vegetables, along with moderate portions of other wholesome foods you enjoy. IMO, slow and steady is the only way to win this race.

For me, three evenly sized meals and two small snacks works best, but you may do better with a different distribution and timing of meals. Keep experimenting until you find your groove.

F.

[foreverfaye]

Good on you for taking the first step and addressing what's been going on. I hope you have people in your life that are aware and helping you battle your addiction including an addiction specialist or a support group. If not, it's something that I wholeheartedly believe is worth exploring. Trying to treat your own addiction without guidance is a much more difficult journey than it has to be.
There was a great article in the LA times about losing weight vs. maintaining weight that I think is relevant to your situation. Basically, they showed that people who were taught how to maintain weight BEFORE they started a weight loss plan were much more likely to keep it off because they'd learned better habits and had less anxiety about keeping the weight off.
You've done this before so you know you can lose weight. Maybe it'll help to work on your relationship with food first and finding other alternative ways of coping so when you do start losing weight, food won't be the enemy.
I wish you all the best!

[lulubelly]

You can do this, you recognize your problem its just starting thats hard. Go to a dietician to find a healthy caloric intake for you. Maybe a counsellor to find out any underlying reasons if any as to why your doing this. Keep coming to the forum for support. The worst thing you can do is not eat...or binge. Good luck in getting on track!

[bunnythesAINT]

Aw thank you! I actually saw a new counsellor who's going to help me with at least not bingeing/purging for a while and then we're going to see if we can start slowly losing!
I have a dr's appt coming up and at my clinic, patients can get free nutritional counselling so I will look into that, most definitely. I actually had a doctor once measure my bones (?) and she said that I'd never be able to get really below 130/140 comfortably but even just getting below 200 in the future would make me happy.
I also have a substance abuse counsellor and we work on anxiety but my new therapist wants to talk to him and see if we could transfer that more towards the eating as right now that's the bigger problem I've been having (nearly two months sober, so if I can do that, I can kick this eating problem in the butt).
I mean...the substance abuse was really the result of my eating. I think that...the eating was the need for controlling things after I "lost" it by trying to starve myself (even though that, too, was control related) but then I picked up using because I didn't want to HAVE to focus on my weight.
But really it's all the same. I've been addicted to food all my life, it was only a matter of time before I progressed like I did.
But thank you so much for the advice and support! I will be here a lot more, that's for sure.