Hi everyone, I'm sorry about the depressing topic, I guess I am just looking for some sympathy and advice.
I am feeling very heartbroken right now. My boyfriend of 4 years and I basically broke up last week. I say basically because we've agreed to take some time to ourselves to evaluate and see what we want. But I feel in my heart that it is over, because the only way for us to move forward after this would be if he were willing to make some changes, and I know that he won't do that. And I'm tired of being the only one making changes and trying to make it work, and the only one who puts the others feelings first always.
I love him so much though and I am in such a bad place. I have been going through a pretty hard time in my life recently, and I have been leaning on him a lot, so without him I suddenly feel very lost. I am trying so hard to stay positive but I can just see endless lonely miserable days ahead and then I start to break down.
So I need your help everyone. Help me get back on track, I am determined to come through this a stronger and happier person. Any advice, stories or words of wisdom will be very much appreciated.
Sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I can only say "been there, done that" and yes, it is a heartbreaking time. But it does get better, even though now it does not seem as if it will.
I see you have lost quite a bit of weight so I hope you will come here and stay involved in the forum and avoid the temptation to "eat your way through the pain."
Misti- I will definitely be staying involved, I think this is such a great forum and have found such support here. I seem to be having the opposite problem actually, my appetite has completely vanished!
I also had a 4 year relationship end, so I feel your pain. For me, it wasn't so much the end of the relationship that was heartbreaking but how he treated me afterwards...while living in the same house he brought other women around, told me he didn't need to care about how I felt anymore (even as a friend), and basically made me feel that 4 years together meant nothing.
Sounds awful, right? It was....but it also made me realize how INCREDIBLY strong I am. I had moved across the country to be with him and so I had no family or friends close by to support me. I spent time being hurt and not making the best decisions for myself, this is true. You know how I got through it? I visited my best friend and she was there for me. She took me out when I wanted to go out, listened when I needed to cry, and made me see the positive. When I got back home, I found the strength I needed to stay where I was and make a life for myself. Knowing I had support out there, even if it was hours and hours away, let me find inner strength and independence. Do you have anyone you can go to for a visit? Someone who supports you unconditionally?
Ultimately, I believe you can find inner strength in difficult times. Find yours through continuing to make healthy choices and doing things for yourself. Remember that the pain won't last forever. You will feel different in 1 month, 6 months, a year.
How my heart goes out to you. In May on our wedding anniversary my husband told me that he wasn't happy. What proceeded was a separation and a divorce. We have a son together. I thought he was my happily ever after. I would not have married or had a baby with him if I ever thought that walking away would be an option.
That was May and it is November. Yesterday was my first real holiday without him.
The good news.
I am ok.
The better news.
You will be too.
Its hard and it hurts and you cry, a lot. There were days where it literally hurt me to breathe. My whole being longed for him, for our past, for him to want me and his child in his future.
You are worth more than that. You are worth someone that wants to fight for you. You are worth someone that would change for you, if need be. You are worth it.
I know you don't feel like it right now. I know exactly how you feel right now. I can tell you that it was hard.
I made a choice. I decided that this was not going to define my life. Being left by my husband was not going to define me. I was not going to live my life in hopes that he would see how amazing I am and want things to change.
I focused on myself and on my boy. I focused on finding the happiness within myself. With my friends and with my family. I cried, a lot. I wrote a lot. I talked about it a lot.
I know nothing I say will ease the ache you feel. But just know that you can come out on the other end of this stronger and happier than you are now.
The right guy is the right guy and this guy is not him.
You might find over time like I did that you are actually better off without him. Not that you wont look back at the last four years and miss him, not that you won't want things to have ended differently but just that you are ok. You are happy and you will thrive in your life.
If you need anything at all go ahead and reply here or private message me.
It is hard but it is not impossible and it feels overwhelming and sometimes it is. You can do this. I promise you are stronger than you think you are.
I don't think I have enough life experience to comment much but it sounds like he isn't the right one for you if you feel like you are making all the effort. Find someone who worships you and will go the extra mile to build a life with you. Sorry to hear about your break up, find some support during this difficult time and just let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. :Hug:
I had been dating my ex for 4 years when he hurt me really bad. He broke what small amount of trust was left so badly that I can't even look at him the same way anymore.
I was so in love with him. He was my first everything and he'd asked me to marry him. I was planning my life around him until he pulled the rug out from under my feet. I never thought I'd get over it and yet here I am...doing better than I have in years.
When I met him, I weighed 130 pounds. When we broke up, I weighed 181. The emotional stress of being with him caused me so much pain and heartache that my entire body went to **** in a handbasket. It's been 16 months since the initial breakup and I'm down to 140 pounds. I finished college, I've gone on about a dozen dates, and now I'm wide open on what I do next and where.
You think you can't get over it, the pain is just so immense, but there are so many people who have been through the same thing and I assure you, you can handle this.
Thank you so much everyone. It has been a struggle but I can honestly say I am proud of myself for how I am handling this. It's still hard and I still miss him but a future without him is not the daunting thought that it was. I can see much more clearly the problems we had, and it's helping me to focus on the future. Thank you so much for all your hugs and kind words.
First of all I can completely empathize and I am sorry for your pain. Heartbreak is the worst thing in this entire world to go through! Whenever I have gone through a painful break up, I tend to do things to control myself whereas in the past I would sink into the pain. First, it's ok to mourn. It's ok to have your time of loss and feel sorry for yourself. Your emotional self NEEDS that time to come to terms with a loss that's life changing and dramatic. Being with someone for years and then not being with someone is a lifestyle change of its own. I'm sure many women previous to my posting can agree to that. Years down the road the pain will be there, but less visible. There will be times you look back and wonder "what if" but it'll never change the outcome.
Here's what I learned and hopefully it'll help you in some form or fashion? I hope it does and I hope it helps you take one less day of your mourning calendar.
First, I mourned. I felt sorry for myself. I ate bad foods and gained even more weight. Obviously that's not what you want to do. Second, I used negative energy to force the "I'll show you" and secretly hope that he'll want me again one day. Obviously that's not what you want to do either. Also, those steps are what I took when I was in my younger twenties, throwing my temper tantrum in "adult" form, and not taking responsibility for myself as an individual.
Here's what I did after my most recent break up from a man who had told me "I was the one" and who I told my family I was wanting them to meet.
I mourned.
I sought out clarity. I started doing reading over the scientific reasons why heartbreak felt so atrocious. I also started reading why I react certain ways when in a break up situation. The best book I ever read a year ago was "If It's Heartbreak it Can Be Healed." I stopped asking "how can I get him back" and "was it me". The "how can we get back together mentality" became all about "how can I piece me back together". I can't control or understand him. I can only control and understand me. I took personal responsibility and accepted my heartbreak.
I put positivity in my goals, stopping the use of negativity to fire my goals.
I put more time into building relationships with women, my mom, my grandmother, and in business/school.
Anyway, sorry for the long post but I know...I know...I know...I know...the pain you're going through and I hate knowing someone is in that type of heart ache. Remember you, as an individual, have a purpose. Use this experience because a friend out there or someone far, far away can find solace that she or he isn't alone in the world. You might not appreciate this at the time, but maybe losing your ex boyfriend was just another loss of weight. As you mentioned you can see there were issues. This relationship may have been burdening you a lot more than you thought.
I'm sorry about your situation... the only thing I can say, from experience is that if he's not willing to make the changes necessary to keep your relationship in a positive place, as hard as it is, it might be best for you to get out while you can, before you get stuck in something you might regret later on in life
*hugs*
Trying to feel positive after heartbreak.
. I'm sorry you're hurting right now.
