When friendships change..... - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

mountain walker · 11-10-2012, 09:22 AM

I would really like some advice.
I have had a friend since High School ( I am now 46!) Throughout the years it has always been me who has done the phoning and going to see her, she lives about 10 miles away. During my previous relationships I indulged in some serious man-bashing sessions with her. She is married but her husband is not her primary focus and never has been really. He is away during the week and she is very busy with lots of female friends most of whom are single. She has 2 lovely little girls but complains alot about bringing them up alone in the week.
I had always accepted that the friendship was rather onesided as I have had such low self esteem for most of my life. Now I have a wonderful husband and much higher self esteem I have noticed the inequalities in our friendship. If I don't text or ring her I wouldn't hear from her very much at all. My priorities now are my husband and children and hers just aren't .
My husband is angry that I still feel such loyalty to a friend who ignores me alot of the time ....he is very protective of me in a lovely way. I would now describe my husband as my best friend ....not this old school friend and it feels a bit odd.
Does this make any sense to ANYBODY?
I am sorry that this is such a ramble!

bargoo · 11-10-2012, 09:33 AM

Weii, your husband should be your best friend.

Clumsy · 11-10-2012, 10:03 AM

Does she seem to enjoy your company when you are there? Like to talk to you for a while when you call? Could be that she's just one of those people (like me) who is bad for calling/setting things up and can unintentionally neglect friendships until they starve to death. Could also be that for whatever reason, she doesn't value the friendship. Maybe she senses the negative judgments you are making about her husband not being her "primary focus" and doesn't appreciate it. As I see it, all you can do is make her aware that the one sided nature of the friendship (without sounding like you are whining/blaming/nagging) and that it's awkward for you. Then stop initiating contact. With any luck, she was just oblivious and will make a real effort and contact you next time. It might not be as soon as you'd like if she does not require the same level of social activity as you. Worst case scenario is that she's not feeling the friendship anymore and never calls. It would be sad after all those years, but at least you'll know.

AilsaPearl · 11-10-2012, 12:21 PM

I have a 'friend' like that as well. Although we aren't married and don't have children, we would never see each other unless I called or got in touch and really followed through on it, not just suggesting hanging out. It's sad, but I have decided to put forth less of an effort so I don't feel so 1 sided and just let it naturally progress.. we haven't seen each other in a couple months, and hardly talk. It's too bad, but I think we are in very different places in our lives. If you feel like the friendship is something that is positive for you and not just you being a "giver" and helping her out all the time, I think it's okay to continue being the one who calls all the time and organizes stuff. some people really don't mean it, they are just scatterbrained

In my case, I felt almost taken advantage of, like my friend would only call me if she needed a ride at the last minute or to borrow money, etc, and then I realized it's just not a beneficial friendship for me anymore ^^

If you and your friend are just in different stages/places of life right now, that's okay! your paths might cross again in the near future and she might be in a better place to be a better friend

luckymommy · 11-10-2012, 01:02 PM

Your husband sounds awesome. This "friend," not so much. I think you should surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you. You're worth it!

CrepeSuzette · 11-10-2012, 01:40 PM

There are 2 options:
1- your friend is used to be phoned/joined always by you, so now she's 'waiting' for you to come and to text&phone

Some people just can't (better: are not able) to do the 1st step in a relationship.
Apropos, what about her love affairs? Does she do the 1st step neither in this matter?

2- she doesn't feel friendship toward you, probably she's simply accepted your presence everytime you want to phone or/and go to her..

novangel · 11-10-2012, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AilsaPearl

If you and your friend are just in different stages/places of life right now, that's okay! your paths might cross again in the near future and she might be in a better place to be a better friend

This is where I'm at with a friend of 18 years. We're just in two totally different places and clash whereas when we were young we were heavily bonded because we were both in miserable relationships and liked to party. I quit drinking years ago and now in a stable relationship, I focus on my son, and she's still a dysfunctional mess when it comes to men and drinks excessively. It came down to where we bicker more than anything. I want to help her and she feels judged or possibly inferior that I got my life straightened out and attacks me whenever I bring it up. Who knows...Regardless, we ended the friendship after a huge blowout over her alcoholism. I'm too old for drama. If she ever comes around I would welcome her back into my life just as long as she's stable.

Sometimes people just grow apart. I had another bad influence friend through grade/high school that just stopped being my friend for what seemed to be no rhyme or reason, looking back I'm sure she got tired of my relationship drama...which then lead me to my friend of 18 years that I talked about above.

If I could do it all over again I would've picked better friends from the get go. Ugh.

MrsTryingAgain · 11-10-2012, 10:42 PM

I went through something very, very similar this spring. I had a close friendship with a cousin of mine...so this makes it even harder to deal with, because it's family, too. She became very, very, very wrapped up in her own little world. I was basically the absolute last person she'd call. We'd visit only if all of her other friends were "busy". And even if others were busy & we were visiting with her, she'd spend a great deal of the time I was there calling & texting her friends.

It got to be too much. I'd make arrangments to spend the day with her & she'd either be hours late in showing up OR her other friends would all the sudden show up within minutes of my arrival. Her friends are really not my cup of tea. They are extremely rude & think absolutely nothing of belittling me/my hubby or my job.

It became a real chore instead of a pleasure to even attempt to see her.

I finally sat down & figured out that for every 1 phone call I got from her, I had left like 12-15 messages, something she DID NOT do with other "friends". That for every time she BEGGED to hang out with me & my hubby that 90% of the time others "miraculously" showed up or she was at least 2 hours late because she was with them. That her phone was never set aside for even 5 minutes, just in case she got a call or had to call someone.

I was done. I wasn't going to be calling any more. My hubby and myself were not going to be verbal punching bags for her & her friends. It hurt, but it was far easier not having to apologize to H for how he was being treated, which I seemed to have to do every time we were driving home from a vist with her.

How's it been? Quiet. She hasn't called or e-mailed me in over 5 months. It has told me LOUD AND CLEAR exactly where I stand with her. To be honest, H is my best friend. He had NEVER belittled me, he has NEVER ignored me and he has been there through thick and fhin...just like friends should!

I honestly don't know when I'll see her again. Our family doesn't get together for the holidays, or if they do...we aren't invited. Don't ask me why...we're just a really dysfunctional family. I honestly don't have anything to say to her except how her actions speak far louder than her words.

mountain walker · 11-11-2012, 11:07 AM

Tryingagain she is always on her phone when I am there or someone else calls in.
I think the nail has been firmly hit by Ailsapearl......we are at different places now ....it makes me sad after all these years.
I don't socialise much due to mental health problems over the last 2 years but I was never a very social person anyway....I don't drink which always made social occasions a bit trying and I hated being the fatest in the room.
Now I am working in a school as a volunteer which I adore, I have my wonderful husband and beautiful children and several hobbies and just don't feel the need for anything else. Does this sound wierd?
She is the polar opposite now and I guess we don't have much in common anymore other than a shared history.
Thanks for your comments.

theox · 11-11-2012, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mountain walker

Now I am working in a school as a volunteer which I adore, I have my wonderful husband and beautiful children and several hobbies and just don't feel the need for anything else. Does this sound wierd?

No, it sounds well-balanced and mature.

MrsTryingAgain · 11-11-2012, 10:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mountain walker

.......Now I am working in a school as a volunteer which I adore, I have my wonderful husband and beautiful children and several hobbies and just don't feel the need for anything else. Does this sound wierd?

I agree with theox! If you are happy & content with where your life is, why try to hang on to something that doesn't "fit" any more? It is OK to outgrow your friends. Friendships change all the time, because people grow & change. If all you really had in common was man bashing & partying, but you now have a loving husband and don't party what's the big loss? People see life differently, which is just fine.

mountain walker · 11-12-2012, 09:35 AM

I think that you read so much about how women crave the company of other women ...and I used to be like that......I feel odd for being so contented with my very simple life and no very close female friends.

EagleRiverDee · 11-12-2012, 05:03 PM

I have two friends like that. Both of them I've decided this year to let go. There's no animosity on my part, but it's clear we've drifted and that their focus and my focus are on separate things. And it's not fair to me that the only time they talk to me or see me is when I reach out to them. It makes me feel that they really don't care...and the reality is that they probably don't.

I'm not saying you should let this friend go. I think it's really how you feel. It's perfectly normal that she's no longer your best friend. But if you also see no value to having her in your life at this point, then maybe letting her go is a good thing. If she does have value, but just isn't your BFF any longer, I'd hang on to her.

novangel · 11-13-2012, 10:51 AM

I have a custom magnet on my refrigerator that says, "If your presence doesn't add any value to my life, then your absence won't make any difference either". I tend to live by those words now. I'm done with one-sided people.

Quiet Ballerina · 11-13-2012, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by novangel

I have a custom magnet on my refrigerator that says, "If your presence doesn't add any value to my life, then your absence won't make any difference either". I tend to live by those words now. I'm done with one-sided people.

That is an awesome magnet! I'd like to turn that quote into a piece of art and hang it on my wall.