[midnightwisher87]

I don't know where to post this. Here seemed best..

I'm really having a hard time. Yesterday was my birthday, however NOTHING was done for me. Sure I had "friends" post on my facebook saying Happy Birthday, but we all know facebook reminds you and they make it so simple for you to comment on someone's wall. So It didn't mean all to much to me. Friends who i expected to at least say something didn't. I've been ignored by pretty much everyone for the past month or so. I try to put out the effort and see how my close friends are. (Close is now replaced with distant) I have always been the one that they all come to for advice when things go wrong in their life. Now, after going through a divorce, putting 100+ pounds on since my relationship with my ex. It was a very abusive relationship and I hid it from others. Very easily, no one knew until they found out I had been sent to the ER and things ended with my now ex. About that same time is when I also lost all my friends. None of them were his friends, so they can't say they felt they had to chose him over me. In fact he is completely out of my life. I have confronted some friends. Nicely, as to why they ignore me. But I get no response. I even thought for a while that maybe my phone wasn't working..I feel so alone. I have tried to meet new people, but everyone I meet just wants to party. My age group doesn't help. (I'm now 25) Its even harder on me to lose weight when I have no support, or anyone to just talk to. I feel so used that I was always there for all of them. And now, they all just ignore me.

I dont know what to do, what's wrong with me? I am so used to being the strong one and for once, Im opening up and no one is there.



Sorry for the Debbie downer post.

[tubolard]

[EagleRiverDee]

I can't say why things are going that way for you, but I'll throw some ideas out there.

First, if you really want people to remember your birthday and celebrate it with you, sometimes you have to toot your own horn. You might say to your friends, "Hey everyone- Monday was my birthday and I really miss my friends and I'd like to invite you all out to meet me for drinks at Cheers on Friday!" or something like that. Is that ideal? No. Ideally your friends would have remembered and planned something on your behalf. But the fact that they didn't can mean many things, up to and including that they were just busy with their own lives and forgot. I think everyone forgets birthdays.

Second- you mention right after your divorce you lost all your friends. That to me is a huge red flag that something was wrong. You said they weren't his friends, so it isn't that they felt they had to take sides. So my guess would be either they felt you did something awful to your ex, or your reaction to the divorce was (understandably) really negative and depressed and effectively you became no fun and no one wanted to be around you. Is that fair? No. But that's how people tend to be. People want to hang out with fun people. They don't want to hang out with depressed people, or people who badmouth other people, or people who dwell on negative things. If any of that was how you were, then you probably know why they disappeared. And also what to do to make them come back. Because clearly something changed because of your divorce. If you can re-capture the person you were before the divorce, as far as how you acted and how you treated your friends, you probably can get them to start hanging out with you again.

Alternatively, if all your former friends are married themselves, it could simply be a disconnect now that you are single again. It's really common for friendships to die when one friend is married and the other isn't, because there's a lack of common ground.

You could try throwing a birthday party for yourself and inviting your friends and trying to re-kindle the friendships if you think that there's enough common ground still there.

Or maybe it's time to move on and make new friends that are in the life stage you are at right now. I've been there. Last year, actually, I was on this very forum lamenting how I had no friends and I didn't know what to do. I ended up joining Meetup and started getting out and doing fun things and making new friends. It really boiled down to not having anything in common with the old friends any more.

[jonah]

Some Tough Love:

Sometimes people can be really insensitive to your needs because the are often so self-centered, that they did not even consider that they've hurt/offended you.

"No one can put you down, unless they are carrying you to begin with"

This is a tough saying but true. You shouldn't be down if nobody remembered your B-day. Don't give anyone the right or the privilege to mess with your happiness. Go out for a spa day, or a relaxing bath..

Treat yourself they way that you deserve to be treated, and don't waste your time feeling bad because people aren't meeting your expectations.


You are a young, and articulate woman, and you have both experience and skill. Use this time to not only recover but as an opportunity to grow into the life that you want to have day by day.

Find friends that aren't there to ask something of you or to "use" you: Having 1 quality friend is better than a house party full of fair-weather friends.



Homework Assignment:
================

Get yourself a Pen or Pencil & Paper:
Take some time to write down what it is that you want to accomplish this month, the month of December and your yearly goals for next year.

Start to focus on what you would like to see yourself doing next year at this time, and how much you life has improved from this point forward.

Make it a turning point - for the better.

Much Love,

Jonah

Make plans to do something fun for yourself and be at ease.

[luckymommy]

Happy birthday Midnightwisher! I really feel for you! Sometimes, everything happens all at once. The problem is when bad things are happening all at once (and this happens to just about everyone). On the flip side, sometimes you get lucky and good things happen all at once.

Let's focus on the positive! That way, you'll attract more positivity into your life. I really find that to be true. First, you got rid of that no-good, abuse husband! That is really the most important thing. If someone had asked you a few years ago what was priority number one, I"ll bet you would have wished for that one first and your wish did come true.

The friends? It's impossible for me to guess what happened, but I do think it's important to invite people. I have a mother in law who complains a lot and she really attracts negative things. I won't bore you with the details but I think you should try to invite them for some fun activities.

Sometimes, when we make changes to our lives, people have a hard time with that so if you're getting healthy and losing weight then people don't necessarily like it. Why not join a workout group or maybe find a book club? Do you belong to a gym or a church? Maybe you can volunteer? I just met a woman who has no family around and when I asked her what she's doing for Thanksgiving, I felt bad for her when she told me that she never has anyone to spend it with but then she turned it around and told me she volunteers at a mission during Thanksgiving and Christmas every year. She has also adopted a dog to keep her company. That's an amazing thing to do! I'm not saying that you need to adopt a dog (although a dog park is also a great place to make friends), but that sometimes if you get out there and help others in some way, you can feel so good and that attracts people to want to spend time with you.

Finally, let me say that maybe those old friends weren't that great? Maybe they are, but if they're not, then it's a good thing to kick 'em to the curb and find yourself some quality people.

Happy bday to you!