Weight Loss Support - Lack of Support at home :(




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Radiojane
11-05-2012, 12:15 AM
I'm not getting any support from my significant other. The two reactions I get are a "meh" when I tell him what I've lost ( or "I'll get excited when you hit 100"), or this super annoying jiggling of whatever loose skin he can get his hands on. I'm starting to think he expects me to fail.

I know this is a personal journey and it isn't anyone else's job to hold my hand and pat me on the head, but its disheartening. I've worked really hard. I know when you start at nearly a quarter ton, 50lbs isn't a huge loss. But I've worked hard, and I've sacrificed. Why can't he be a little happy for me?

End of whine.


Ellaroxy321
11-05-2012, 12:22 AM
I think you should talk to your SO and let him know how you feel.

Don't cut yourself short on how much you have lost! 50lbs is a HUGE loss and most definitely an accomplishment that needs to be celebrated.

Mochawarrior
11-05-2012, 12:31 AM
ANY weight loss is great. And 50 pounds is amazing! (I wish I could say that I have lost 50 pounds.)

I'm new here and I sympathize with you. My husband is not supportive either and it sucks. I've learned that I cannot change who he is and this is why I'm looking online for support. It's great to read about others who are going through the same thing just for the sense that you are not alone.

But you need to know that your successes are in fact SUCCESS! Treat yourself to something - like a new movie or book - whatever makes you happy - because you deserve it! (Perhaps this is my own way of patting myself on the head - and I gotta say it feels good.) And don't make the mistake I did and stop. Keep at it. You're doing great. ;-)


BellaDiva
11-05-2012, 12:32 AM
While it might not be anyone else's job to hold your hand it is definitely not anyone's job to slap your hand.

So first off :hugs: lots of hugs! Second, tell him how it feels to be constantly brought down, it isn't helpful and it isn't ok. I am a big believer in 'if you can't say something nice then keep you effing mouth shut!'

Also we are all here for you and will be as supportive as you need! You will do this no matter what anyone says!

Radiojane
11-05-2012, 12:36 AM
Thanks guys. It helps. My bestie thinks maybe he's insecure and thinks I might leave him if I get thin. Maybe after I tell him to stop being a douche kazoo, I'll explore that possibility and make him feel better.

Elladorine
11-05-2012, 01:00 AM
Thanks guys. It helps. My bestie thinks maybe he's insecure and thinks I might leave him if I get thin.
My ex was like that when it came to insecurities about me possibly leaving him if I ever got thin. He did everything in his power to discourage my attempts at weight loss, from the seemingly positive move of telling me how beautiful I already supposedly was to him (and I say "supposedly" because he'd also tell me he was no longer attracted to me because of my weight in practically the same breath), to the very negative move of claiming that losing weight would make me "just another shallow b*tch." Heh, I just couldn't win with him, and me eventually leaving him had absolutely nothing to do with my weight.

Not saying your guy is like that, but there's a possibility of a red flag here. You definitely need to let him know how you feel and find out the reason behind the way he's acting.

fatgiraffe
11-05-2012, 01:10 AM
You are amazing! Do you think he is jealous and becoming insecure?

Chubbygirl253
11-05-2012, 01:39 AM
I'm so sorry. I hate to hear that anyone is with a partner who isn't supportive of them. My fiancee is supportive of no matter what I want to achieve. I could tell him I plan to jog to the moon and back and he'd cheer me on. You need to have a serious chat with him. Explain to him how you you feel and if it continues, then you deserve better. Maybe he is insecure but he should just be honest about that instead of being a douche to you.

want2bebak2me
11-05-2012, 02:16 AM
I definitely agree with your bestie, he is insecure. I am going through the same thing. When my guy met me i was a hottie compared to now. He isnt supportive, will treat us out to dinner, ask me to make him his favorite foods which are not the healthiest, then a couple of weeks after i fall off the wagon, has the stones to ask "hey, what ever happened to that diet you were supposed to be on?"...GRRRRR! But i know hes insecure. He knows that if guys look at me now with my extra weight, hes going to have to work at trying to keep me or someone will sweep me out from right under him. But he's not very smart because we alllllll know that this has nothing to do with finding a better man, this has nothing to do with any man! It's about us and how we feel about ourselves. And if we finally have a chance to feel good and be happy, you know what they say...happy wife happy life:hug:

Fatness
11-05-2012, 02:39 AM
I'm not getting any support from my significant other. The two reactions I get are a "meh" when I tell him what I've lost ( or "I'll get excited when you hit 100"), or this super annoying jiggling of whatever loose skin he can get his hands on. I'm starting to think he expects me to fail.

I know this is a personal journey and it isn't anyone else's job to hold my hand and pat me on the head, but its disheartening. I've worked really hard. I know when you start at nearly a quarter ton, 50lbs isn't a huge loss. But I've worked hard, and I've sacrificed. Why can't he be a little happy for me?

End of whine.

57 pounds is a big deal! Yes, he should show a little more support! however, men are different when showing their feelings and concerns. I always tell my hebebe, when i lose one pound and he says"okay". I want more then an okay! However, i know he means well!

Don't be so hard on him and when you do reach 100, ask him where is your gift for getting there. I do agree with others that you should talk to him and let him know how you feel.

Keep up the good work:carrot:

juliastl27
11-05-2012, 04:00 AM
its tough with guys. a lot of them are so worried about the touchy issue of a woman's weight that they are vague with their comments. my boyfriend has *once* ever said something about my weight. ive lost about 20 lbs and every time i weigh myself and say something like, "i lost 2 lbs, ive lost 16 now!" he nods his head and says "yep. cool."

after 19 lbs he told me, "i can tell you've lost a lot of weight" in a very non committed tone. it was more of an observation than a compliment. i think that in some ways he worries about what will happen if i regain the weight and he has made a big fuss about how much better i look without it.

also, they just dont care as much as we do. they don't notice because they weren't as obsessed with our weight as we thought they were.

dont go too hard on him. ;)

geoblewis
11-05-2012, 04:02 AM
I experienced similar stuff with X. I finally learned to stop filtering how I felt through him and other people. If I was having a proud moment, he always knew how to kill it or punish me for it later. I finally learned to stay in my moments of joy for myself. Who is that healthy body for? It's for YOU!!! Who is going to enjoy the rush of energy and vitality? YOU!

And if you need more support, then you need to go out and find it for yourself. I had to get a whole new group of friends in order to find support and success. The old crowd wanted me around to cook for them and listen to them whine about how hard it was to get off the sofa and go to the gym. And then all the weight loss advice that they pieced together from watching daytime TV, none of which they actually practiced. Sometimes, I had to pay for the right support, like a good trainer, a therapist, a good doctor or nutritionist, or a wellness coach. They actually know how to support effectively. Our partners and friends haven't actually been trained to do it well. We all have expectations of people in our lives and we don't actually bother to figure out if they're capable of it.

kelleyb
11-05-2012, 06:38 AM
50lbs is of 100!! Congrats!
Get your support here and are you a member of another weight loss group locally?

Melissamixedup
11-05-2012, 07:33 AM
Unfortunately not all men know how to be supportive. I recently lost 100 lbs in 8 months and at first my husband didn't really mention it, but after years of saying this is it and it not happening I can see where he would not want to for a while. Now he's amazing and loves it. I've heard that some men are worried their spouses will become lean and then leave them for someone else.

mountain walker
11-05-2012, 10:02 AM
Radiojane I really feel for you.....as if losing weight wasn't hard enough!
50LBS is a fantastic loss and you can be proud of yourself for that.
If this is out of character for him then he probably IS threatened by any change in your relationship. If my husband suddenly lost weight, started wearing aftershave and what ever the blokes equivalent of wearing lipstick is, I may feel a bit uncomfortable, as much as I trust him. He has accepted me changing as he knows it is what I need to do...and more importantly, what I want to do. But we have had a few long chats about the change and especially the increase in my confidence. Communication is the key........and compromise.....as always in a relationship. Have you stopped socialising or eating out since you started dieting? Is he getting less attention ( always a biggie in my house!) This is assuming he is a decent loving bloke who wants the best for you.
Of course he could just be a jerk!
Good luck and please come to this site for support....it has been fantastic for me.
xx

twinieten
11-05-2012, 11:10 AM
Does anyone else see this behavior as abusive, or is it just me? That fat grabbing and jiggling thing is just plain mean, and the comment "I'll get excited when you hit 100?" Really??? My husband is far from perfect, and has shown lack of support more than once, but for the most part, he's got my back. That's how it should be.

I don't know how long you've been together, but since you refer to him as SO over BF, I assume it's been awhile, and he's not someone you'd just kick to the curb. I would certainly have a talk with him, tell him how you feel, but also explain your expectations. Be specific. If that fat jiggling thing bothers you (it would bother me) tell him to stop, and suggest he show some enthusiasm once in awhile.

Then go out and buy the book Why Does He Do That? (http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656)

If I'm totally out of line, I apologize. I hope I'm wrong and it is all about his insecurity and that you can work through this. It's a lot to expect when we meet our SOs fat, have a relationship fat, and then start losing. It can be scary for the SO.

Don't let his lack of enthusiasm stop you from reaching your goals!

Radiojane
11-05-2012, 11:32 AM
Wow, so much helpful advice and encouragement! I love it here!

I did a lot of thinking during my swim this morning. I stepped back from my emotional response a little and looked at it analytically. You know those stereotypical sitcom type guys that mean well but perpetually say the wrong thing? well that's my man to a t. I know enough of his thought processes to get that there's a good chance that the "100" comment was meant as encouragement. Lousy encouragement, but this is from a guy who once told me he considered flowers "fiscally irresponsible gift giving", because they don't last! But, I know how much he loves me.

I can see the insecurity too. He's a groomsman for his sister's wedding this summer, and I think he'd like to lose a little weight. And he's never known me not fat, so for a species that doesn't deal with emotions well, I can see where I'm throwing him for a loop. I'm going to have a chat with him tonight and see if I can convince him to swim with me. He's eating paleo with me, but his portions are gargantuan, and he has stomach issues. Maybe being more involved and losing some weight will help him.

Oh, and I stopped the fat jiggling thing this morning. I grabbed his belly and did the same thing. When I got growled out, I pointed out that I didn't like it either. :p!

Again thanks so much guys!

Missy Krissy
11-05-2012, 11:43 AM
[QUOTE=Radiojane;4519529]

Oh, and I stopped the fat jiggling thing this morning. I grabbed his belly and did the same thing. When I got growled out, I pointed out that I didn't like it either. :p!

QUOTE]

:joker: LOL, good for you!

twinieten
11-05-2012, 12:00 PM
Oh, and I stopped the fat jiggling thing this morning. I grabbed his belly and did the same thing. When I got growled out, I pointed out that I didn't like it either. :p!Outstanding!!

My husband used to use a tone with me that I found so condescending. I would tell him to stop, but he wouldn't. It wasn't until I started using that tone with him that he stopped. He didn't like it either! LOL!

Lolo70
11-05-2012, 01:11 PM
Oh, and I stopped the fat jiggling thing this morning. I grabbed his belly and did the same thing. When I got growled out, I pointed out that I didn't like it either. :p!



You just made my day!

dragonstar85
11-05-2012, 01:53 PM
While you may be right in that it's a personal journey and it's technically not his job to hold your hand and pat you on the head. BUT it's also not his job to be a jerk (sorry for sounding mean but that's the first thing I thought of when I read) either. My ex was like that and I've realized now that he was insecure about himself and wanted to bring me down. Sadly for me it worked and I never lost the weight when I was with him. You deserve to have someone cheer you on and encourage you instead of bring you down.
And 50lbs IS a huge loss! It's hard work no matter what you're weight is at first. You should be proud of yourself for what you've done so far cause like you said it took a lot of hard work and lots of sacrifices. Weight loss is physically and emotionally hard work so you should be proud of every single pound you have lost cause most toss the towel in and give up. I've only lost 25 and I want to give up already so I can only imagine the hard work it will be to get to 50!

mountain walker
11-06-2012, 08:55 AM
Good for you radio jane!!!

Karen54
11-06-2012, 12:17 PM
You go, Radiojane!

You sound like a very confident lady! Hang in there and congrats on your weight loss so far!

And, thanks for the giggle..."douche kazoo". Love it :)

meandu
12-04-2012, 04:04 PM
You should be so happy with losing 50 pounds. It is really a great accomplishment. My hubby is not always supportive either, I think sometimes he believes that he needs to be funny at my expense in order to lighten up the fact that I feel I need to lose weight.

lulubelly
12-04-2012, 04:16 PM
Are you kidding 50lbs is a huge loss!!! take a look at any average 5 year old lol...thats a big chunk! keep on truckin and do it for yourself...:hug:

Roo2
12-04-2012, 04:54 PM
:hug::hug: :hug:First I want to say to you congratulations on your weight loss.
Second I agree with a previous post THIS IS ABUSIVE!
Third I believe we teach people how to treat us or what we will accept.
I attended a conference on Toxic people and he fits the profile.
Unfortunately when dealing with toxic people we have to own our role in the relationship. Where does a spouse think it is right to grab your skin and taunt you.
Please believe that if you never lost another ounce of weight that gives him no justification to treat you in such a demeaning way.
Change is hard whether it is weight loss or personal growth.
We all need to boundaries and set limits on behavior that we are willing to tolerate. Would you allow this type of behavior from another person?
A spouse is to love ,honor, cherish and be supportive...I am not getting any of this from your post..
My personal opinion Red Flags are going off ! I would definitely believe what is right in front of you even though it is painful to admit the truth.
I hope you realize you have accomplished a great deal with losing weight and you need to give yourself a pat on the back.
Wishing you the best,
Roo2:carrot::carrot::carrot:

Mozzy
12-04-2012, 10:01 PM
Hugs!

50lbs is amazing!
Keep up the good work!