Weight Loss Support - Just a rant...

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11-04-2012, 01:18 AM
I was heavy, lost the weight, and have slowly gained it back and 10-15lbs more over the last 5 years. I have been struggling with my self-image and dating. I feel like I want to start dating again and have been having no luck meeting people. When I was thin I would get so much attention and now I get none. I even have tried online dating with no bites. So I wanted to experiment and I made an online dating profile identical to the one I have now only I put up pictures of myself from when I was thin and got tons of messages in a matter of minutes. I hate this. I am still the same person! Only heavier...

11-04-2012, 01:29 AM
I understand what you mean. I get different feedback at different weights, and sure I like how I look better when I'm thin...but I'm me both ways, and I wonder why it has such a huge impact.

westcoast rosa
11-04-2012, 02:19 AM
Unfortunately, many men (and women) on dating sites don't even bother reading the profile and only look at the pictures. The just send a thoughtless "hey" message to many people hoping to get a response. I found this most prevalent on free sites.

I personally met my fiance on eharmony (pay site). I liked that the site matches you based on your interests/beliefs and what you are willing to accept in a partner. One section of the questionnaire had you select how you would define your weight category and also what weight categories you would date. That way I wasn't matched with anyone who wouldn't date overweight women (as long as I answered truthfully myself).

Just letting you know that the right person for you will contact you at any size :)

11-04-2012, 02:23 AM
I actually met my bf (we live together) on a dating site, too. I was so nervous to actually meet him (in part because of my weight). But he reminded me that I didn't have to look like a Barbie doll and that he didn't look like a Ken doll, either. I personally think he's a lot more attractive than someone who looks like a Ken doll, but anyway, that helped. He's happy with me that way I am. I want to lose weight for me. I miss being thin and liking how I look in clothes.

11-04-2012, 02:42 AM
Try dating sites that are BBW.. If you have not already!

Missy Krissy
11-04-2012, 08:53 AM
Unfortunatly the reality is that the world we live in is image obsessed. All of us are bombarded with messages that tell us that thin is attractive and therefore heavy is not, youth is desireable and therefore age is not, etc.

What's sad is that there are so many people who would pass up a potentially great relationship with you because of a picture. I agree with what westcoast rosa suggested, maybe a pay site like eharmony would yeild better results.

Good luck, and keep your chin up! Love often finds us when we least expect it.

mountain walker
11-04-2012, 10:04 AM
I met my wonderful husband via on on line site when I was less than my heaviest but not much less.
I have read a kaplods post and she said that she met her hubby on line and she made it clear that whilst she was a voluptuous lady she was working to change and she wanted someone who would support her or had experienced similar problems themselves. I thought that approach was genius and wish I had thought of it myself!I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her here.
At the end of the day you want someone who loves you as you, not "despite" your weight or "as long as you are dieting"or whatever. They need to just LOVE you.
Good luck...oh btw I have had a failed marriage behind me because I settled for second best because I was fat please don't be tempted into that mistake.

11-04-2012, 12:03 PM
Try dating sites that are BBW.. If you have not already!

This is not a good idea is my opinion. A lot of the men on the BBW sites are strictly into larger women, and will not support dieting/weight loss.

11-04-2012, 02:23 PM
Yeah... I've often thought if I met someone who actually likes bigger girls and then I lost all the weight if they would like me the same? Thinking I should just hold off until the weight is gone.

11-04-2012, 02:28 PM
Not necessarily. I think that it is worthwhile (and possible, though I know it can seem otherwise....guys can be...challenging) to find someone who loves you at any weight. I've found that having someone around me who appreciated me as I am tends to motivate me. Plus, I feel more secure and happy with someone like that.

11-04-2012, 06:30 PM
I agree, BBW sites could be dangerous territory, there are a lot of guys that not only like bigger women, but want them to get even bigger to fulfill their fantasy. For someone striving to lose weight, that is not a healthy environment to be in

11-04-2012, 08:11 PM
BBW sites seem like a good place to meet people who have fetishes for big women and not just find them attractive.

i also lost a lot and then regained, its so tough. its hard not to drown in guilt. are you trying to get back on track?

11-05-2012, 01:08 AM
Trying to...but I don't have 100% motivation. I do well somedays, and others I am far from any kind of lifestyle change. It's frustrating but I feel like "me" isn't a good enough reason sometimes...

11-05-2012, 02:10 AM
I don't know. The whole 'loving me for me' thing is hard, seeing as how these people don't actually know you. I am dating now, too, after marriage at 19 and an 18-year marriage. It's an odd thing for me at this point in my life. But there are many, many men out there, and I have to sort them somehow. I prioritize sense of humor, intelligence, and kindness. But I could love someone who didn't like Monty Python. I just have to start somewhere, you know? As do guys. Unfortunately for us, size is usually one of the first factors.

Good luck on finding your way on this weight loss thing. I don't know the magic formula, but I have found a number of seeming lovely men interested in dating me, at my weight, on the free sites. I am going on my fourth date with the same guy on Tuesday, in fact. Don't know if it will work out, but if it doesn't, it won't be about the weight. (It will probably be about me not being as ready to date as I thought I was. :-))

11-05-2012, 12:08 PM
Not to knock dating sites, but they don't exactly give you a chance to let your personally really shine through, so it's tough. The other thing is, you don't sound like you love yourself right now. That's going to make rejection so much tougher on you.

No one wants to be alone, but you may need to focus on your body, your head and your heart first before you jump into looking really hard. You may find that once you're happier with you, that love just sort of falls into place.

11-06-2012, 12:52 PM
You're right. I don't love myself right now. I have never met anyone online. And even now I don't think I would meet anyone because I feel self conscious. I deleted my account yesterday and I'm going to focus on me and let things like that happen on their own.

11-06-2012, 01:08 PM
I've met and dated guys online years ago, but I don't think I'd do it now. I think, for me, it gets harder not just because I'm heavier, but also because I'm getting older. And like other posters here have said, BBW sites tend to be for fetish types, something I'd not be into AT ALL. I'm recently single myself and have been thinking about getting back into the dating pool, but I know I'm not ready yet. I don't have the confidence I used to, and I don't feel 100% even leaving home, let alone going on dates. I'm using this time now to improve on me and regain my confidence so that when I do meet someone, I'll be in a better place mentally. No point in meeting someone when I don't love myself, it would just leave me more susceptible to take more crap than I normally would.

Fatgiraffe, I know you can do this!! Even if it's just a short walk every other day. Even if you only take baby steps toward your goal, you can do it. And I know once you start, the longer you do it, the better you'll feel. I know it sucks to look at old pictures of yourself and wonder what happened, or get sad when you think of all the compliments you *used* to get, but the only way to feel better about yourself is to change what's making you unhappy. You need to move!!! :) Just think, if you move now and keep moving through winter, how much better you feel when spring arrives. Time will pass whether you move or not, you might as well start now. :hug: