Weight Loss Support - Afraid of losing weight...




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kdke
10-21-2012, 06:54 PM
I feel like such a weirdo for having this fear. Most people my size long to lose weight, to finally know what it's like, to be healthy and enjoy all the complimentary things that come with looking and feeling healthy.

But for me... while I want to lose weight to be healthy, part of me is scared to lose weight.

I'm scared because all my life, people have had to really look past my weight in order to see who I am. I feel like if I lose weight, people won't be looking at me anymore. They'll be looking at my body and seeing me for just that.

I'm afraid that any positive attention I'll get from people once I lose weight won't be focused on me but how nice my body might look. My personality won't be as important. And while people still judge me now for being obese, I've been able to see who really wants to be my friend. If I lose weight, I might not be able to tell anymore, not until it's too late.

I'm afraid of being hurt, of being used, of being looked at as an object of desire rather than be seen for what kind of person I am. And I know that literally, the first thing people see is your body; it can't be helped, but I'm afraid that, that's all I'll be seen for most of the time, and I'm afraid of being proven right.

So I guess that makes losing weight a lot harder for me (along with many other reasons, of course), and I haven't been able to share this fear with anyone other than my mother. She doesn't really understand, even though she's dealt with being obese and overweight all her life. I guess it's not an issue for her. I suppose that I'm just being silly, that it doesn't make much sense. I don't know. I just had to get it out there for someone to see.


Vex
10-21-2012, 07:05 PM
Try not to feel like that. You know, I've had a similar experience, but with clothes. I would never dress up, do my hair, makeup, etc, because what if, god forbid, I do all those things and I'M STILL UGLY? I want to dress down because that's who I am, and people should get to know my personality instead!

I was kidding myself. The only person that it hurt was me. I never looked nice and was overweight to boot. I had a terrible time getting taken seriously by anyone. It just showed my lack of self confidence.

Don't be afraid of losing weight. Take care of yourself and take pride in how you look, regardless of what weight you currently are. You might find that even more people approach you and end up getting to know your true personality.

seabiscuit
10-21-2012, 07:53 PM
Hi Kdke,

I, too have been afraid of losing weight. For me it has been about the fear of attention I may receive when I lose weight, and how I will feel once I become thinner. I'm realizing though, that I am liking losing weight and I am just taking things one at a time. Perhaps journaling about this would help?

You're not alone with this. Take care. :hug:


theox
10-21-2012, 08:55 PM
Do you focus only on the physical qualities of the thin people you know?

Missy Krissy
10-21-2012, 09:41 PM
Don't let your fear excuse you from working toward your goal of a healthy lifestyle. People are going to stay in your life because of who you are on the inside, not because of your pants size. This is true whether you're overweight or not.

kdke
10-21-2012, 09:43 PM
Actually, I've become very sensitive about not focusing on how small or big someone is over the past few years. For me, if I can come across someone who is very attractive and thin, I don't make an effort to associate that with their personality. For all I know, that person's personality could stink despite their looks. But the other person next to them who is just as attractive could have a heart of gold. I don't know, so I've taught myself to not judge people's hearts according to their body shapes.

I guess I just trust very little to give me the same courtesy if I were smaller, especially when they do it now when I'm obese. I find myself bombarded with people who say they care about what's on the inside, only to be disappointed by them as they fall in love with someone they don't even know just because that someone is beautiful. It's upsetting to me because I see it happen so often that I wonder if it's going to happen to me, if my personality will mean less at some point as I lose weight. It scares me.

LaurieDawn
10-21-2012, 09:45 PM
I don't know if my perspective is cynical or optimistic, but... Everyone is always making decisions about everyone else based on incomplete information. I find that I sometimes find myself gravitating toward people who are also fat, assuming they'll be less likely to judge and/or reject me. I am not attracted immediately to their bubbling personalities.

They might be initially attracted (or repelled?) by your fit body, but you won't get friends just by looking nice. It's just an additional tool in your arsenal in navigating human relationships.

kdke
10-21-2012, 09:46 PM
Don't let your fear excuse you from working toward your goal of a healthy lifestyle. People are going to stay in your life because of who you are on the inside, not because of your pants size. This is true whether you're overweight or not.

I agree with you, and yes, it's not a good excuse. lol I know it.

It's just one of those things that gets to me at times, and I don't know how to get past it. I have friends and family that love me for who I am right now, but I'm just worried of gaining people in my life that seem to like me, only to find out later it had less to do with me and more to do with what I looked like.

It's a conundrum.

kdke
10-21-2012, 09:54 PM
I don't know if my perspective is cynical or optimistic, but... Everyone is always making decisions about everyone else based on incomplete information. I find that I sometimes find myself gravitating toward people who are also fat, assuming they'll be less likely to judge and/or reject me. I am not attracted immediately to their bubbling personalities.


Well, that makes sense, or else I wouldn't be here. lol I came here to seek out a place of understanding and less amount of judgment. I really appreciate it.

They might be initially attracted (or repelled?) by your fit body, but you won't get friends just by looking nice. It's just an additional tool in your arsenal in navigating human relationships.

Well, I've met some people superficial enough to seek out friends solely based on looks. : / Not many, and I suppose that's not really my issue for that reason.

I suppose, though, much of my fear is unavoidable. I can't always escape people who might hurt me, and for that, I just need to move on when it happens and not hold it against others who are innocent to it. A lot of the dysfunction, I think, started in grade school where I suffered a lot on a social level because of my weight. And even after school, I've ran into people who've made me feel inferior because of my weight. I even had one person that I was intimate with some years ago tell me that if I didn't lose weight, he wouldn't stay in a relationship with me. ...Funny how that comes up now. :(

LockItUp
10-21-2012, 09:56 PM
There was a really great thread over in the 100 lb club forum about just this kind of topic (http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/100-lb-club/268306-reasons-not-lose-weight-share-let-go.html) and I found it really cathartic to express my fears associated with weight loss.

Change can be incredibly terrifying! I completely empathize with the fears you are having. I think the more you express them and talk them out and try to work through them, the more comfortable you will be with just accepting the fact that you do not know if things will change or how they will change. I've found that things can't get better (in any part of life) without a little change and a little fear to go along with that.

Welcome to 3FC by the way!

kdke
10-21-2012, 10:01 PM
There was a really great thread over in the 100 lb club forum about just this kind of topic and I found it really cathartic to express my fears associated with weight loss.

Change can be incredibly terrifying! I completely empathize with the fears you are having. I think the more you express them and talk them out and try to work through them, the more comfortable you will be with just accepting the fact that you do not know if things will change or how they will change. I've found that things can't get better (in any part of life) without a little change and a little fear to go along with that.

Welcome to 3FC by the way!

Wow, thank you! A lot of the fears listed in the OP are what go through my mind, too. I appreciate you pointing me to this thread. I'll be reading it. ♥

artsygirl5
11-05-2012, 12:44 AM
I too am terrified of losing weight. I have lost weight in the past -- in 2004 and 2008 but both times, I became so terrified that I regained the weight. In 2004, I hit bottom about childhood trauma including rape by my step-father. I have never felt good in my own skin and when I have lost weight, my PTSD has been triggered by being looked at by men. I am feeling extremely upset about it right now because I want to lose the weight -- once and for all. I am about 100 pounds overweight right now, in my early 40s and fear a heart attack, which took the lives of both my parents. I am a time-bomb waiting to happen and yet this fear of being LOOKED at and fear of assault is more overwhelming than the fear of death. I feel like such an idiot! What the **** is wrong with me? How can I overcome this?

theox
11-05-2012, 01:13 AM
artsygirl5 - There's nothing wrong with you for having PTSD. It's not an uncommon response to traumatic events. Are you receiving treatment for it?

kdke - You can't control what other people think or do. And, as the quote often attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt goes, "nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." While I think your concerns are probably pretty common, do you really want to base your health choices, which will probably have an enormous impact on the quality and length of your life, on other people's opinions of you (or what you imagine their opinions to be)?

want2bebak2me
11-05-2012, 01:35 AM
I have the same fear. I, weighing 180 (which is considered big when your 19) landed myself a mega hot Colin Farrell as a hubby. It was all because I was the type of girl whos personality was soooo amazing that the skinny hot girls never stood a chance. I am currently 244 and hes still here but im not losing weight for him but for me. The first thing i am afraid of is that once i am down in weight people might just disregard me. And another thing, I am sometimes lazy and love the fact that if i need to run to walmart i dont put on any makeup and since i am overweight with a ponytail and sans makeup, no one looks twice. When your thin and people look because the physique is attractive, then your face has no makeup and your hairs greasy, thats embarassing. I dunno. At the same time i feel like thats the fat girl in me looking for excuses to just eat and eat and eat....

geoblewis
11-05-2012, 02:45 AM
I could have written every word of your post, kdke. I struggle with feeling like that as well. You are definitely not alone in how you feel.

I finally figured out (and this is a work in progress for me) that the stronger and more grounded I feel about my own identity and my own integrity, the less fear I feel towards losing weight. I want to be healthy and strong! That's who I am, deep down inside. I want my external appearance to match how I feel about myself now. I remember when I was a young adult how little I thought of myself. I was so blinded by what the people around me who needed me to be under their control said to me about myself. When I was at my healthy weight, I felt as badly about who I was as my health and appearance were at my heaviest.

The fears linger. I can work on them one pounds at a time. I figure eventually I'll wake up and be thin and still be myself completely. I'm 51 now. It's a pity my youth and beauty were wasted on people who didn't really appreciate it. But now I'm surrounded by people who love the real me, and I'm one of them! Wouldn't trade youth and beauty for this at all!

We deserve to feel good in our skin now. I don't look down, see my big belly and heavy thighs and choke with self-judgement or regret any more. I see my muscles starting to show in my shoulders and my upper arms. I have really well-developed triceps now, and my abs, underneath that big belly, are really strong. I can do squats and lunges and planks. I can curl 20-lb dumbbells and I can almost do a whole push-up. I'm very smart and very wise. I have a big heart. I'm a good mother and a good friend to have. And I am a horrible housekeeper. I'm almost always late to appointments. I forget people's names and forget to pay some bills on time. I swear, don't shave my legs ever and I have too much facial hair. And I like gin and bacon, a lot! But not at the same time. And I'm not quite sure about religion but I know I'm a very spiritual person.

I'm cool with all of it, and none of it will change if I get down to 23% body fat. Although I might be a bit more clothes conscious by then. Ugh! So sick of shopping Lane Bryant!

Fall in love with the real you and hang on to that. That girls is still going to be around on the other side!

Misti in Seattle
11-05-2012, 08:05 AM
I am reminded of something I was once told and that is sooooo true.

"Most of the time when you are worried about what people are thinking about you, they are not thinking about you at all!"

Most people don't sit around thinking about how fat or thin or whatever we are. Most people have their own issues and insecurities to deal with.