Weight Loss Support - Dating post-weight loss




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fatgiraffe
10-20-2012, 03:33 PM
I have lost all the weight before (unfortunately gained it all back and more) so I know how it feels when men start noticing you and checking you out again. Has anyone felt bitter about this? Or do you simply embrace it and enjoy it? :hug:


juliastl27
10-20-2012, 03:36 PM
i feel bitter about how people in general change toward you. when i was at my highest (220) people were unbelievably rude. even store clerks and such.

its amazing how much more helpful and polite everyone got when i hit goal.

fatgiraffe
10-20-2012, 03:41 PM
That is true too. But What about guys you knew before you lost all of the weight giving you attention now that you're thin?


Katbot24
10-20-2012, 03:41 PM
I luuuuuuuurve attention! I'm not dating anymore as I got engaged recently (my poor fiance, I gained almost 60 lbs during our two year relationship) but now that I'm losing the attention is coming back.

I have an interesting face so it helps me get noticed even though my body isn't anything special and I just love the feeling it gives me. I'm naturally flirtatious and my fiance likes to watch me pique another man's interest (not intentionally, we don't go out seeking men for me to flirt with or anything) and then swoop in and make it clear that I'm his.

Also, the attention is so helpful in day-to-day life, a shop assitant will go out of his way to be helpful, a bus driver will stop if he sees you running after the bus, etc etc. The only downside is women tend to dislike you more, I already have bitter chicks sneering at me for wearing something provocative or having flashy jewelry on.

586
10-20-2012, 03:42 PM
I'm pretty darn bitter about it. I finally broke down and showed a new guy I was seeing what I used to weigh, and I could tell he couldn't reconcile the images. And I know he'd have not paid any (desired) attention to me at my highest weight, but I'll give him the nod that he did get interested in me at 230lbs.

My main mental hurdle is that any guy who checks me out, I admonish him for not likely to have been into me 115 lbs ago. :( Sorry to the world of men for being bitter about that.

And man, the guys who have known me for a decade and saw me get real heavy and get back down again and suddenly hone in like vultures? So much bitterness. So much.

mescelestus
10-20-2012, 03:52 PM
I'm actually waiting for the guys I've known for a while to "vulture" me. (I always find most of my guy friends attractive myself). I already accepted the fact that its stupid they don't find me attractive now, but will in like 30 or so pounds...I had my gripes with it, but it is what it is. However if someone that I have known for a while expresses direct interest in me when I'm finally thinner; It'll have to be case by case. I'm SURE I will bring up the fact they like me now that I'm slim, and see if they feel stupid explaining themselves.

sontaikle
10-20-2012, 04:27 PM
I guess it's different for me in that I've been in a relationship when heavy and I'm still in the same relationship now. I laugh off men who obviously would have never paid attention to me before and while I was bitter about it at first, I realize that I should just enjoy what I've accomplished.

It's still strange to catch the eyes of men and have them talk and flirt with me. Someone at my gym recently tried to pursue me, but even those who go to my gym (and thus have known me since I was a teen) laughed him off and said that I was taken and he was too late. I liked that idea: they were all "too late."

I'm still bitter though that people are kinder to me and men go out of their way to chat me up or do favors for me. None of that happened when I was heavier.

stimkovs
10-20-2012, 06:10 PM
that's funny actually- I hate the attention. I have always gotten attention- and have always had male friends- except now they make sexual jokes at me, so i get to tell them where to go and how to get there.

As for the "cracking and showing people pics of what you used to look like". It's funny- because I feel as though I SHOULD be embarrassed? To be quite frank with you- I'm hot at h***, I have stretch marks, they are my tiger stripes. It usually comes up, that yes, I was fat, yes, I am not healthy, and fitness is exceptionally important to me. I was recently on a date with a guy who lifts weights, and he said something about his brother lifting too heavy and getting a giant stretch mark, and something something to that effect- I proceeded to tell him how much I love mine, and how proud I am of them.

Just me?


ha ha ha. But then again, discussions of obesity, fatness, weight, and health/fitness do not intimidate/scare me.

Also, could just be me again.

Garnet2727
10-20-2012, 06:36 PM
I hope that my age (49) offers me a bit of protection. I've never cared much for male attention. In fact, I've often felt harassed. Particularly when a guy just wouldn't hear me saying, "No!" I've been relieved in the last few years that men don't approach me like that anymore.

IsabellaOlivia
10-20-2012, 06:52 PM
I dislike the attention that comes from losing weight. All of sudden I'm worthy of attention.

It makes me feel like: hello, I was a person before I lost weight too. I had value before I lost weight too.

It annoys that me greatly that even simply because I was bigger and didn't dress rigt for my body before I was invisibile, and now apparently I'm "good enough". Ugh.

Lambiechop
10-20-2012, 07:16 PM
I can't fault men for being less interested in women who are heavier. When I started dating my husband I was 150. When I got married I weighed 230. My high weight was 312. Did my husband love me at all of those weights? Yes. Was he as attracted to me? No. If he would have met me at 312 would he have asked me out? No. It's disheartening but true. Most people are visual people. Admittedly I wouldn't have been interested in him if I'd have met him at his high weight.

Edited to add: Most men have been nice to me whatever my weight. Women are a different story though. At my highest I wasn't good enough to breathe the same air as many women, now when I pass they grip their husbands and boyfriends a bit tighter when I walk by. I think it's hilarious.

juliastl27
10-20-2012, 07:18 PM
in regards to that, definitely had a lot of male friends suddenly interested (even though im seeing someone and they know him). as far as that goes, i think its unreal that they all hit on their friend's girlfriend.

it sort of irritates me and sort of doesnt. i know that i might be less attracted to a 275 lb man than to an average one. i cant blame them for being human. its more the audacity that they have. they think im not going to notice that they were NEVER interested before and that im not going to figure out why.

nina cloudstar
10-20-2012, 07:28 PM
It actually doesn't bother me... I know that people are generally more attracted to people of a healthy BMI, and if I'm honest that's part of the reason I'm losing weight. To get more attractive!! People who don't know my personality only have my looks to go on, and it makes a nice change to get attention!! That probably sounds horrendously vain.

I can imagine it would be horrible if it's a friend you've known for a while who knows you and your personality well, but wasn't interested until you're slim... this hasn't happened to me though!

toastedsmoke
10-20-2012, 07:31 PM
I think my issue is I don't get when/if someone is interested. Having been overweight/obese all my life, I'm so not used to someone being interested that I think I'm completely oblivious. I'm not totally lacking in self-esteem but I also have never thought "oooooh so-and-so wants me!" or whatever. And if by some chance, someone is blatantly obvious and beats me over the head with their interest and I found the whole thing sketchy, of all the suspect reasons I may come up with for their interest, my weight loss never really makes the list.

I wouldn't mind someone only wanting to date me now that I've lost weight as long as they weren't a jerk about it or about people struggling with weight. When I was heavier, I was scared to date because I didn't feel my self-esteem was in the right place that i wouldn't get taken advantage of, so I kept myself in the friend zone. Even now, I'm still learning my own worth and how it has nothing to do with weight or what any one else thinks but the point is that no, I'm not bothered that someone would want to date me now yet didn't when I was bigger as long as they are not bothered that the fact is I used to be bigger.

freelancemomma
10-20-2012, 11:47 PM
I luuuuuuuurve attention! I'm naturally flirtatious and my fiance likes to watch me pique another man's interest (not intentionally, we don't go out seeking men for me to flirt with or anything) and then swoop in and make it clear that I'm his.

I like your style, Katbot. Rock on!

F.

BusyB
10-21-2012, 10:42 AM
I wouldn't say I'm bitter about it, in fact, I know how I have ignored men who I didn't find attractive.

What seems to bother me the most is friends and family. Both my husband and I have lost about 60# each. He gets compliments from everyone & no one notices me. I feel like they don't even see me as they gawk over him. Last night, my husbands BFF said "man, she's starting to look really good", I know this was meant as a compliment but it made me think "Jeeze, thanks for thinking I didn't look good before".

Ookpik
10-21-2012, 07:13 PM
I think my issue is I don't get when/if someone is interested. Having been overweight/obese all my life, I'm so not used to someone being interested that I think I'm completely oblivious. I'm not totally lacking in self-esteem but I also have never thought "oooooh so-and-so wants me!" or whatever. And if by some chance, someone is blatantly obvious and beats me over the head with their interest and I found the whole thing sketchy, of all the suspect reasons I may come up with for their interest, my weight loss never really makes the list.

I wouldn't mind someone only wanting to date me now that I've lost weight as long as they weren't a jerk about it or about people struggling with weight. When I was heavier, I was scared to date because I didn't feel my self-esteem was in the right place that i wouldn't get taken advantage of, so I kept myself in the friend zone. Even now, I'm still learning my own worth and how it has nothing to do with weight or what any one else thinks but the point is that no, I'm not bothered that someone would want to date me now yet didn't when I was bigger as long as they are not bothered that the fact is I used to be bigger.

Agree with pretty much all of this. Often, I am not sure if someone is interested in me even though I am getting the "vibes". If a man is blatantly obvious in showing his interest, I don't know what to think b/c when I was young, boys used to tell me that I was attractive and they would ask me out, although they were being sarcastic. This happened daily, and to this day if a man shows interest, I question whether he is being sincere or not.

I have lost 100 pounds in the past (and gained much of it back, unfortunately). When I was smaller, I found I got a lot of attention from men who wouldn't give me the time of day before. At times, I found it uncomfortable, other times I didn't. As I gained much of it back, I've pretty much gone back to being invisible with men again. I sometimes wonder if I sabotaged myself b/c the attention was making me uncomfortable.

beth sebring
10-21-2012, 07:16 PM
My problem was, I fell in love and became happy haha if that makes sense. When Iím happy I dont find the need to calorie count, ect. But sadly, I do not fit into my clothing anymore. Hence, why I wanna lose the weight.

TPA sun
10-22-2012, 06:30 PM
I've always been heavy, and the only attention I've gotten in a long time has been ... odd. I went on a couple BBW/BHM dating sites, thinking that it would be easier to find someone who's interested in WHO I AM, rather than just ignore the fat girl. What I found was actually more of a turn off, men who have a 'fetishy' interest in big women. I guess I should love that a man was telling me how beautiful I am, but it just felt... weird and actually made me uncomfortable. I can't wait til I'm hot n thin, and have men noticing me! (if that ever happens.. HA!) But I wonder how I'll feel about it then... like you JERK! you wouldnt have paid any attention to me when I was heavy, do you really think you're worth my time now?! I dunno.... I guess I'll let y'all know when I get there!
Great thread BTW

ellezony
10-23-2012, 10:52 PM
I think my issue is I don't get when/if someone is interested. Having been overweight/obese all my life, I'm so not used to someone being interested that I think I'm completely oblivious. I'm not totally lacking in self-esteem but I also have never thought "oooooh so-and-so wants me!" or whatever. And if by some chance, someone is blatantly obvious and beats me over the head with their interest and I found the whole thing sketchy, of all the suspect reasons I may come up with for their interest, my weight loss never really makes the list.

I wouldn't mind someone only wanting to date me now that I've lost weight as long as they weren't a jerk about it or about people struggling with weight. When I was heavier, I was scared to date because I didn't feel my self-esteem was in the right place that i wouldn't get taken advantage of, so I kept myself in the friend zone. Even now, I'm still learning my own worth and how it has nothing to do with weight or what any one else thinks but the point is that no, I'm not bothered that someone would want to date me now yet didn't when I was bigger as long as they are not bothered that the fact is I used to be bigger.

Me too!! I'm always had male friends so any time that I meet a new guy I just think that I made a new friend. I don't really think that they might be interested in dating me. As a result I'm single. I'll get it right eventually

NolaMama
10-24-2012, 08:35 AM
I've never been one to like attention. In fact, I find it rather annoying when someone is looking at me for longer than just a few seconds. Generally, it makes me feel violated, and I end up shooting a look at them to make them stop. Im a very friendly person despite this :) however, I find it inappropriate to be gawked at no matter what weight I am. I don't "enjoy" being hit on, stared at, whistled at, etc. It's degrading. I have always been raised to believe that while obviously, physical attraction comes first, someone should be in awe of you for who you are inside and not the outside. My current boyfriend was very subtle in approaching me and took weeks to do it. That's more respectful to me. Im not a piece of meat, Im a woman and want to be treated like one.

angieand2girls
10-24-2012, 09:06 AM
I have lost 100 pounds in the past (and gained much of it back, unfortunately). When I was smaller, I found I got a lot of attention from men who wouldn't give me the time of day before. At times, I found it uncomfortable, other times I didn't. As I gained much of it back, I've pretty much gone back to being invisible with men again. I sometimes wonder if I sabotaged myself b/c the attention was making me uncomfortable.

This has definitely been my experience. When I got to goal some years ago, the type of men that approached me were the type that had never been interested in me in the past. I felt so uncomfortable. I know this is something I have to get over. I mean, I could look at myself all day in the mirror and feel great...but the attention from men made me uncomfortable for some reason. I'm working on that though....because I refuse to wear extra weight because of glaring eyes.

Arctic Mama
10-24-2012, 01:18 PM
Maybe that is one of the reasons I respect my husband so much. He met me near my highest weight and still found me attractive, didn't require me to change at all. And I still got some male attention even then, being morbidly obese. I was outgoing and fairly self confident, which helped, I think.

Is he more sexually attracted to me now that my shape is less androgynous (it got very apple shaped by the end, no waist curve and everything melted together) and more feminine, with normal dips and curves? Yes! And it is one reasons I've enjoyed losing weight. But the things that drew us together aren't affected by weight, not his or mine, and they remain important.

Even having dropped just short of 100 pounds before this pregnancy, while I may have gotten a fee more head turns I honestly haven't noticed much, because I think (as a happily married woman with a gaggle of small children) I project 'HANDS OFF!' pretty strongly. And yes, have noticed slightly more eye contact and friendly chatter in places like the grocery store, but not enough to bother me. I know it happens, but it hasn't yet made me annoyed enough to notice. My mother saw this too, when she lost her excess weight, and was a little miffed that she was somehow more of a person at 120 pounds than 170. But I'm a little duck-like in this, it just rolls off my back and I continue on my way.

I thought I was fine then, and I'm fine now. What other people think of it isn't particularly important :)

ChickieBoom
10-24-2012, 03:08 PM
Interesting topic. I try really hard not to take things like this personally. There are plenty of people that I don't find attractive for various reasons so I'm not going to get bent out of shape if someone isn't attracted to me because of my weight. I wouldn't date someone who is super obese so I'm not going to be a hypocrite and get upset when someone doesn't want to date me.

I think that when I'm ready to start dating again, it will be easier to date people who didn't know me when I was bigger. I'll be honest about my weight loss but I'm not interested in getting together with anyone who knew me bigger and is only interested now that I've come down.

I will say that I don't think that I had any experiences of being treated badly as a big person. I'm not aware that anyone has been overtly rude to me. More than anything I felt completely invisible. Now people are always telling me how nice I look but I'm pretty sure that it's a combination of my attitude changing and my weight loss.

yellsa
10-24-2012, 03:52 PM
My problem was, I fell in love and became happy haha if that makes sense. When Iím happy I don't find the need to calorie count, ect. But sadly, I do not fit into my clothing anymore. Hence, why I wanna lose the weight.

I was just a few lbs away from my goal when I met my BF. Between the dinner dates, ballpark food at games , late night I mean very late night ihop runs and bbq all summer long, I am back to where I started almost 2 years ago and the lucky #$^% did not gain a POUND! :mad: lol
As for dating after weight loss, I think we tend to notice that more men (or women) are attracted to us because after losing all that weight our confidence level is high in most cases and we carry ourselves differently and other people perceive that. Also we tend to have higher standards so as @Chikieboom said it is a combination between our new look and attitude that makes us more attractive.
Fortunately, I personally have not had any bad experience.

Slush
10-25-2012, 01:56 AM
Lambiechop said it there, "Most people are visual people." This is very true, but should we treat others poorly just because they don't "appeal" to us? **** no! Slamming doors in your face, making fun of you and giving you horrible service when you are a PAYING CUSTOMER is complete bullsh*t. We are all human beings. What if we were all blue? What if sunburns made us permanently red with peeling skin forever?

I don't think true love or true friendship is defined by anything physical, whether it be weight, skin color, gender or age. Have you ever visited a nursing home? If you think I'm wrong, honey please, go visit one. Most of those people all look the same with wrinkly, old skin, balding hair, and they can't feed or toilet themselves.

Outer beauty doesn't last for anyone, therefor it is just an illusion caused by makeup, hairspray and good lighting. Anyone can be an a**hole or a convicted felon, it doesn't matter what they look like.