My name is Jamie, I have been in relapse for a while, on and off, for about 7 years now. In the last 3-4 years, I have had three babies. Having an eating disorder and being preggers in a challenge in all itself. Sept of 2011, I left my no good husband, since he decided he was more important than his kids and wife. Things have most certainly got better this past year, but I am struggling with the overeating lately, more so than usual. I have a court date on the 25th, so I should be divorced, since he decided to ignore the papers. I think I am feeling emotional and overwhelmed. I took on too many classes this semester and I am not doing as good as I usually do. I am a 4.0 student and I can't even remember what I am learning from day to day because I am on information overload. Having the three kids to myself 24/7 without help is hard as well. Because I left, they lean on me more than usual and also have anxiety when I am not around. My goal is to wake up early and get a head start on the day, before they wake up. Get in some journaling and bible reading, some yoga and cardio, then get a start on my day with them. If I wait, I seem to put it off and I end up getting overwhelmed with all the things I need to do for me (and my recovery) and all the things I have to do for them. Today was a bad day. I hope I can jump back in tomorrow. If you are reading this, thank you for taking the time to hear me rant. :hug:
10-19-2012, 06:45 PM
first off all (((HuGs)))
it will be OK
but it sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now.
I wish I could ask you to drop the classes until things are settled but that is something you would have to decide.
Please try to do one thing at a time and don't think about all the things at one time.
I think your current plan of getting up early and have some things done before children are up is a good thing.
Make sure you have some time to yourself. no matter what kind they are....
it is very important that you give this little time to yourself to reboot.
Cardio always works for me.
Good Luck !!!!
10-20-2012, 08:36 AM
Thanks Masterptr for the encouragement and hugs.
I can't drop a class, we are already half way through :(
I am working on preselect classes to get into a nursing program. This is the most classes I have ever taken. I actually started over and changed majors after I left my husband, because now I am looking at having to make enough money to support them on my own. Nursing is not my first choice. I now wish I would of stuck with what I was doing before. The down side of it would of been the big student loan bill I would have. I know if I stick to my decision that it will be well worth it.
I failed two of my mid terms yesterday. I don't even care anymore. My family was supposed to help me do a speech next weekend and now all of a sudden everyone is busy, thanks a lot for your support family.
I want to take my kids and move, start over, far away from everyone. The only people that understand are people that are in recovery, that have gone through the same as me.
In the center I went to (2x) they talk about S.E.R.F. which stands for Spirituality, exercise, Rest and food plan. Also not letting ourselves get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. When I have these things in check, things seem to move so much smoothly.
I think what triggered me to eat this time was my family saying they were too busy to help me film my 5 minute speech. They have no problem pushing me, expecting me to carry the world on my shoulders, but if I ever need their help they get upset because I am disturbing their lives. They never even tried to understand how to help me with the eating disorder, and even when I was sick practically on my death bed, my mom had to beg them to help me get into the treatment center. I don't feel like I am in the right family. If they would ask me for help and I had the means, I wouldn't think twice. I am the first granddaughter/neice of the family, but never have been the favorite.
My cousin is the favorite, gets everything from my family, and when I ask, I am always turned down or it is a big deal.
Don't get me wrong, they have helped me with watching the kids from time to time, helping me when I was going through the process of getting away from my ex etc. I guess I should stop expecting them to help at all.
Another thing that messed me up is my mom. She found out she has HIV earlier this year. I assumed she did way long before she wanted to go to the doctor. She has never been a mother figure since going through the divorce in 96, which was when the whole anorexia started. She wanted to act like a teenager and it was a game to her to get attention from men, and pretty much would do anything they wanted for that attention. She also has an eating disorder and extreme codependency. What really threw me for a loop what the fact that she is not being responsible for her new diagnosis. She put my infant son in danger because it was too much of a problem for her to put a band aid on. Something happened with an open and actively bleeding cut on her arm and my infant son, who is teething, possibly sucking on the area. I was told I need to get him tested in three months. I just feel sick all over talking about it again. I feel so much hate for her, for being the worst mother and grandmother possible.
If I were to win the lottery tomorrow, I would be out of here, away from all these sick people who are making me even more sick. I can't take it anymore.
10-21-2012, 08:34 AM
I am here, day one. Feeling bloated, sweaty, and uncomfortable. This week is my court date (Thursday). I also have homework to keep up with. I have not been talking to my cousin lately. We text a lot, everyday, or I text her. She is about 10 years younger than me, and is in her last year of high school. She is very busy in her nice private school she attends and she is also the drama stage manager for this year. She is the only one that I talk to that can understand me and where I am coming from, since we pretty much have the same family. However, I am finding myself not wanting to talk to anyone. People are people and they let you down. The side of my family that my cousin is on, is the family that wouldn't help me financially if my life depended on it (even though they all are well off).
I don't want to go through life not ever letting anyone in. I would like to be open to when I meet my true epic love, if he is even out there. Someone that could be a real father to my kids. I would like to be open to having friends again, not just family members. I have no friends. None my own age.
And I have noticed this time around, trying to get my life back, I have an extreme case of social anxiety. When I am around people my own age that I don't know, my heart starts racing, I start sweating, and I even turn red. It is so embarrassing and I don't know what to do about it. I have been attending classes online for now, because I have the kids to look after, but what happens when I have to go on campus for the nursing program?
My cousin is planning the same career path as me and the same school, but she can't hold my hand to each of my classes. The fear I have for people makes me feel like such a child.
I read somewhere that the age you develop the eating disorder is the age you mentally get stuck in until you are able to heal. Well, that would make me in high school, pretty accurate. I still have all the same fears as high school.
I hope in recovery, I can find myself again and get over all these fears of life.
Living in fear is no way to live.
10-22-2012, 09:33 AM
My day one didn't go as well as I hoped. I skipped breakfast because I got busy doing other things, and then started making excuses, so lets start this over. I had my coffee this morning and now I am having my green smoothie for breakfast.
I am looking forward to getting some exercise in this morning as well. I didn't wake up as early as I would of liked. But I am here and I am abstinent. I have been listening to my favorite music lately, when I feel upset I try to pray and listen to music that puts words to what I am feeling, things I can't say for my self. I really would like to go for a run, but that involves getting someone to watch the kids, and no one wants to be bothered with that right now. Heaven forbid I have an hour to myself.
I really need some money for the kids, diapers wipes, bathroom stuff, etc. but I don't want to call or text my ex. He is just waiting for me to text him and talk to him. Which I don't want to do because I want to get the message clear, that the kids and I don't need him. He has not been there for us, he calls the kids maybe once a month. They don't ask for him and are happier without him. I hope this week goes well, crossing fingers
10-23-2012, 08:06 PM
Day 2 down. I worked out and ate abstinent. However, I need to follow my food plan better and start getting back in the habit of waking up early. I took the kids to the store later in the afternoon. It is always chaotic taking three kids to the store. I am going to bed early tonight, worked hard today. I may have over did myself.
10-24-2012, 10:39 AM
I just logged on here for the first time in years. I was looking for an OA forum and found 3FC and your posts.
PLEASE get to a meeting!!! We recover when we break out of isolation. If you don't have OA in your area, you could try for another 12 step meeting. Some of them may even have childcare.
I'm newly returning after a hopeless relapse and today I am abstinent, living with a food plan, have a sponsor, and am working the step. I have a lot of hope and I want to share that with you.
It is hard to recover in isolation.
therecoverygroup.org has online chat meetings every 3 hours around the clock. They meet at 3, 6, 9, 12 (am and pm!) EST Many folks stay after the meeting to chat and there are even ways to get a sponsor. It's great for folks that have a hard time getting to live meetings.
You are a very strong person and you can do this.
"But I'm too weak, I'll never make it. Don't worry, we have all thought and said the same thing. The amazing secret to the success of this program is just that, weakness. It is weakness, not strength, that binds us to eachother and to a higher power and somehow gives us the ability to do what we cannot do alone" - From OA's An Invitation For You
10-24-2012, 10:40 AM
PS, ignore that tag at the bottom of my post, that is 9 years old!
10-26-2012, 09:01 AM
I was going to therecoverygroup.com meetings, but stopped. I need to go again and start sharing. I have a problem with sharing. I have a bit of social anxiety going on latley, so you would think it would be easier for me to share in a chat room than in a F2F meeting, wrong. I also have aftercare 2x a month at the eating disorder facility that I was a part of and it is located right down the street from my house. My problem is always babysitters, I have non, and my family is unreliable. My cousin is actually my best friend and has been trying to make time for me in her busy schedule to watch my kids for the aftercare meetings.
I am so thankful for all these resources at my finger tips. I just need to put them to good use.
I have been doing much better this week, but I need to get real and confess that I have been procrastinating. I have been numbing myself with a favorite tv show, the actors on that show, and social media surrounding the show. I admire the actors and find myself just numbing lately with everything that surrounds it. Kind of silly really when you think about it. One of my favorite comedians was talking about MacDonalds, we all have our own MacDonalds. Things we know that are not good for us, they are garbage, but they feel good going down. Example, overspending can be MacDonalds, gossip magazines can be MacDonalds, some relationships can even be MacDonalds. I think that is very accurate.
I didn't work out yesterday, it was a stretch day, I ended up doing some of my own made up work out. Was planning on getting up early this morning to work out, but my lil brother has all his friends sleeping over in the living room because they are leaving for Halloween Horror nights today.
I am going to start logging my food. I at abstinently but got off food plan, need to get more organized with that before it becomes falling off the wagon.
10-26-2012, 10:34 AM
Hi again Jamie,
I think you are on the right track. Remember that this is a disease of isolation. There's a reason they say "reach out" for recovery!
After being out for so long, I tried to really listen to the "winners" at meetings and what I heard is that abstinence has to be the most important thing in my life. I have literally rearranged my work schedule and family commitments to get to this meeting.
I am now grateful to be working with a sponsor. I have had others but most of my time in OA was without a sponsor. This time around I was so desperate I was willing to do ANYTHING, including get a sponsor within the first week of being back in the program.
Today I plan my food for the next day before bed. I also list 3 things I'm grateful for, 3 feelings i had during the day, and 3 things I like about myself. The journalling is an assignment from my sponsor. Thinks are much easier now than they used to be.
I really related to having social anxiety. I've struggled with that as well, but
So, ((((Jamie)))) Hang in there. I can see that you are really working to be present with your disease. Are you working the steps?
Kim in Oregon
10-29-2012, 01:25 PM
Thanks Kim, for your honesty and for your encouragement.
I did not have a good weekend. It is amazing how we can go from feeling great to full blown relapse so quickly. I had to recently get honest about my food plan. Being a nutrition major and studying health on my own, I thought I could add certain foods into my food plan. I think they were causing some cravings. I then realized that I have never been totally abstinent. I would abuse foods considered abstinent, I still continue to pick at my skin, to excess, which I was told is a form of cutting. I abused artificial sweeteners, gum, diet drinks, etc. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I might not be able to use these things in my program at this time.
Today I am abstinent, and it feels awful. I was not able to get up early this morning for my workout. I didn't sleep well and feel a whole range of emotions that I would like to run from, or numb out. I am here and it feels awful, but I am here. I really hate that first day after.
10-30-2012, 10:08 AM
So I made it past day one. I had the kids go to bed early last night. I am trying to get their bed time to be 7 pm. The baby always fights me, so from 7 to almost 9:30 I was trying to get kids to sleep. I didn't wake up till 8 am this morning. I feel very well rested for once, even though I would of liked to have got up at 4 and work out and journal. I think I needed the rest. A have a lot of homework to do. I am worried that I might fail a class. I don't know how many classes I could fail before they take away my financial aid. I only have really ever failed a class once, but I had a teacher a while back that didn't like my name (my real name is not Jamie), and she was raciest, and failed me twice. She wouldn't give me a straight answer to why she was failing me. I complained to the school and they never did anything. I finally asked for a different teacher. I turned in the same work and I got a 99.9% in the class. Go figure.
My mom called and whats me to go see her. I don't want to go. I have no money for gas, not to mention, I'd rather keep my sanity. I had to see her a couple of weeks ago and she accompanied me to my school and held the baby while I took my midterms, which I failed. I hate when I need help with the kids and there is no one else but her. I would never leave her alone with my kids by herself.
I need to workout today. Really I need to workout everyday. It keeps me sane and helps with my mood. I just wish I would of done it already.
11-04-2012, 04:39 PM
I'm sorry I haven't replied here, I've been out of internet.
Are there any 12 step meetings in your area with childcare? Doesn't have to be OA, you could go to any open meeting to connect with people in recovery.
I really feel for you and I think getting out of isolation is key! Doesn't sound like you have much support at all.
Maybe if you are coming up dry you could check in with your academic advisor? You need some help, chica! Reach out for it!
11-04-2012, 04:48 PM
Stop.... Stop.. Stop... You must take a break and relax. You are dealing with stress. Stress can lead to death if you don't take time to relax. I would say take time off from school. You must relax the mind and body and brain. All advice is good but please think of your family and your health. Without good cognitive skill, you won't be able to be a 4.0 student anymore. Please relax! Keep us inform.
11-30-2012, 10:51 AM
Haven't wrote on here for a while. My abstinence has been on and off. I feel like I am dealing better emotionally. I got a sponsor around the beginning of November. She was over booked already but took my on anyways because I needed support. She is very nice, but I don't feel any connection with her. I don't want to go to meeting to talk about food or abstinence etc. Food is just the symptom of the disorder. The real issues is what I need to talk about. But when I do, people just tell me to relax, its no big deal. Well, obviously it is a big deal if it drives me to hurt myself with food. I wish I was able to talk to a real therapist.
My classes this semester are almost over, and I have finals coming up. I took only two classes next semester, so that way less stressful than this semester. I am happy to announce that I am finally divorced. That was a big stress for me, because he told me he was going to fight me for the custody of the kids, not that he would of won, but still I dislike any fighting.
I have been reading more, drawing, loosing myself in the beauty of music, art, and literature. I find so much beautiful emotion in these things. A much better outlet than eating.
12-04-2012, 09:26 AM
I did not have a very abstinent day yesterday. I have been dealing with issues with my mom. She is sick and possibly not going to be with us for as long as she could be. She could live a longer life if she would take care of herself, but I am not going to put money on it that she will. Her actions in the past and her priorities in life have put her in this situation. She has not been much of a mother to me, so my instinct it to guard my heart and put distance between us. However, she will not allow that, she is calling and showing up unannounced, that type of thing. I wish she would give me some space. She has no respect for other peoples boundaries sometimes.
I had a talk about it with my sponsor and ironically, the scripture I read the other night was about being empathetic to others. That when people are going through hard times, the last thing they need is someone to put more judgement on them. I cringed when I read that. I don't want to deal with these feelings. I can act like she doesn't bother me, but she does. These feelings do bother me, obviously because I am eating over them.
I did call her the other day and the conversation was light. We talked about my finals coming up and that she was going to try to do something small for the holidays. (This kind of made be annoyed. Back story to that is, her boss is millionaire who is in love with her, he gives her envelopes of cash every year for Christmas, but then she tells me she can't afford gifts for her grand kids). I had to just shrug that off, this is her, her priorities. I cannot change her and the way she chooses to live. She has never been there for people when she should be, and only is when she needs something from them. I try not to repeat that same behavior, along with the majority of eating disordered behaviors I learned from her.
I am still not getting any child support. He hasn't given me anything since July/August. In the divorce papers it states the child support. I am not sure if it will be taken out automatically or if he is supposed to pay it. He won't pay it and it will have to be set up automatically. I expect him to start working under the table so he doesn't have to pay.