Weight Loss Support - How to deal with competitive friends...?




Prestige
10-12-2012, 12:36 AM
Coming up with a catchy title for this thread was hella hard. I just don't know how to sum up my particular problem without it being long winded... So I'm going to do my very best to highlight the particulars and then anxiously await some feedback. For starters, I have frequently haunted this web forum for nearly 2 years. (Not daily or even weekly.) But whenever I felt the need to be inspired, I would hop on - float around and drink up the discussions that seemed to relate to me best.

I'm 28 years old and overweight. (Duh!) If I weighed myself right now I'd probably cry. At the start of 2012 something clicked and I began a strong attempt at losing weight. For 3 1/2 months I saw nothing but positive changes. Nearly losing 30 lbs ... I was completely motivated. Well as per the usual, life happened. A series of unfortunate events seemed to snow ball onto me. To date, this has been the worst year I can remember dealing with. Blah, blah, blah.

I'm here. I survived -- but I packed the pounds back on and I lost my focus.


--- Okay here I go trying to get to the point. ---


I have two girlfriends that are every bit as overweight as I am -- and yet, neither one of them ever seem to show me any genuine support whenever I try to get healthy. One friend began losing in an unhealthy way by starving herself and making herself sick. Managing to drop 40 lbs she became a leading expert on healthy living, now believing herself to be the next workout guru. This friend whom I will refer to as Rachel can NEVER (and I mean NEVER) show me any support when I'm on the right path. If we sit down to catch up, she won't tell me I'm doing anything good. Even when I was actively working out and dropping weight, she seemed oblivious. My dream of supporting one another was quickly cancelled out, when Rachel showed me time and time again that when it came to losing weight -- it was all about HER. She would make snide remarks such as, "If I can do this you can." (And that would be about it for support.) If I made a mean lean dinner, her's was better, tastier and healthier. If I did a 30 minute kick boxing DVD, she did an hour long set -- plus she ran 5 miles while carrying 10 lb weights on each leg.

You catch the drift, right?

It got old FAST. So I eventually stopped talking about my progress. When I lost focus on weight loss, so did Rachel. No more talk of being healthy -- no more talk of working out. Instead she'd vent her sadness about her gaining weight back, and that I should get healthy with her again when she started back up... *snort* Having Rachel as a weight loss buddy is a joke. Thankfully our friendship is more internet based than real life because she's moved around a lot. Keeping in touch has been easy enough, but the lack of support and encouragement I receive from her just makes me sick.

I have one more friend to vent about... So let's meet Nicole...


Nicole is delusional when it comes to her weight. I'm not being mean. I'm being serious. I've tried to have those close heart to hearts that only friends can have ... But Nicole lives in her own world. When I'm eating healthy, and Nicole catches on then she follows suit. However her healthy eating and work out stints are far from legitimate. If we met up to go walking together, we'd make it less than a mile before we needed to run to the nearest Subway so she could eat because her metabolism was up. (And by run I mean drive.) Heckling me for managing my calorie and sodium intake, I'd have to deal with Nicole and all of her critical abuse. Constantly comparing my body shape to her's she would often make me feel guilty for wanting to get healthy. Venting about my weight loss goals always resulted in her pointing out how she was WAY more overweight than I was, and that I didn't have rolls like she did and blah blah blah.

I'm a supportive person as well as honest. I would discourage negative thinking, and encourage her to be open minded and positive. We BOTH needed to get healthy. Eventually, it fell through... The girl is still delusional though. Every time we talk she's lost another 30+ pounds of imagination and day dreams. No joke. Nicole's husband and Mother have expressed their concerns for her weight gain. This chick will look you straight in the eye and swear to you by all that is holy that she's lost 16 lbs in a WEEK because of water weight and da da da. She's always starving, yet always eating. I'm probably rambling but I don't mean to! I'm just so frustrated. Same as with Rachel, if I tell Nicole I ran a mile -- you best believe I will NOT get any kind of congratulations. Instead I'm told that she ran 8 miles and that's the end of that.


After typing all of this, I've had to ask myself what the point is. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I'm just SO frustrated. I know full well how powerful the internet is as a resource for support in all things - including weight loss. But, I just wish that I could dive back into the pool with someone I've grown up with. Someone that understands me and supports me. Instead, I always end up listening to them list their accomplishments while disregarding mine. Though I'd prefer to get healthy cold turkey -- I'm the type of person that has to have a plan. Essentially I need healthy food in my house, so until I can front the cash I need for some healthy food, I'm sort of stuck.

I am exercising though and drinking water while watching my portion sizes. What I want is to kick start myself by the end of the month and get serious again. I just wish that I had some local girlfriends that could be serious with me. I know I've said this and that 10,000 times. Until we truly want to change we WON'T. So maybe that's where I'm wrong... In wanting them to be serious with me. However, I don't NEED them to lose weight with me. I just want them to be supportive. I want to be able to talk to them about my ups and downs. They've proven to me time and time again that they can't sit on the sidelines and cheer me on. They can't listen to me and show any support. Instead they hop up (usually figuratively) to show case nothing but competitive behavior.

Why? Why is it so hard to be supportive of me as I try? Why are they more content for us all to be fat and unhappy? I don't get it.

How should I go about my new 'reset'? Should I be vocal about my weight loss journey? Can anyone offer me some sort of advice? I'm struggling with this concern.... Primarily because I noticed something I'd never caught before...

Last Halloween Nicole took a picture of me in my Halloween costume. Showing it to me I was DEVASTATED by my appearance. I wasn't aware I looked SO awful. I really wasn't. I was comfortably wearing a size 18... and while that's not the best, I just didn't think I looked terrible. This picture however... was awful. Last night I stumbled across that picture. (I had saved it for motivation.) But last night, I realized that she had photoshopped the picture. Yes, photoshopped it! I don't know how I missed the erratic and disproportionate line of side, hip and thigh... But I did. The quality is grainy, the contrast enhanced -- and pixilated blurs galore.

I asked my sister what kind of friend would do that to a person ... and she pointed out that Nicole was no friend in the first place for doing such a thing.

Still though, why? Do people really feel that much better about themselves when sabotaging others and bringing them down? Is weight loss that scary of a concept for others? I'm so lost! I'm angry, I'm frustrated... and all the more determined. I just really want some support.

My apologies for such a large rant... But I needed to get this off my chest. Hopefully one of you can survive the length of the post and give me some insight.



~Prestige


RoyalAthena
10-12-2012, 04:56 AM
I skimmed through it ;)

You said that you are not looking for anyone to go through the weight loss with you but just to be supportive. Toward the end, you also said you told your sister about what Nicole did with the photoshopping. If you can share that with your sister...then perhaps she will support you in your weight loss.

We all do what we have to. There are several resources. This website for one. There are groups you can join for weight loss like TOPS. They don't ask you to do a specific plan but you do have to come to the weekly meetings. I am not a member but have gone to a meeting before. I didn't need the support but could see it would be great for someone that does. The meetings are also motivational. And the people take a real interest in one another. I went to a meeting with a friend (she is a member and loves it). She said that several people asked about me when she returned the next week without me. :)

If you belong to a gym, you can find workout buddies or join some of the challenges that they offer. Our local gym has a Biggest Loser challenge and your group will motivate you because the team wants to win!

You may have to initiate relationships. Someone without a weight problem at all may be your support. I have a few friends who are naturally thin. One is a size 2-4 and she always compliments me on my weight loss and cheers me on. She doesn't know what it means to diet but she knows what is means to be supportive.

I had a friend at work who was trying to stop smoking. We had a challenge. She was decreasing the amount of cigarettes as I was making small changed to my diet. Ex, she went down to half a pack a day and I gave up candy and etc. You can find support!! :) Best of luck!!

JossFit
10-12-2012, 05:02 AM
I'm not one to pull punches so I'll say this; this being a post to let you vent, we out here in internet land only see the negative. In this light, it really looks like neither woman is a 'friend' to you and I can't see why you would continue on with these relationships.

Of course that is looking at it very simplistically and they could be wonderful women outside of this issue. I would suggest that you just not discuss these things with them, but what sort of friendship requires you to censor yourself that way? Losing weight is a HUGE accomplishment and requires a lot of your attention so to have to hide that seems bizarre.

^ Food for thought I suppose.

Aside from that, perhaps you can visit 3FC more often for the support that you seek, or find a local women's club/running group/gym classes, etc. with women on the same journey that support you. I personally visit 3FC so that I have a place to discuss these things and not feel obsessive or neurotic while talking to my friends or husband.

I'm sorry I don't have more constructive advice for you, but from here it seems a lot more simple; get rid of the toxic people in your life, seek out support, and keep your chin up.


Vex
10-12-2012, 08:23 AM
In the end, most people have one person they can count on help them lose weight - themselves.

Other people are going to do and say their own thing and will always have their opinions. It doesn't matter if you lose down to 125 lbs, someone will always say you're doing it wrong. You also can't change other people. When they're ready, they will do what they need to do to get healthy.

What matters is what YOU are doing, not them. If you want to find supportive people to come vent out to or just talk about your highs and lows of weight loss, that's what these forums are for.

pluckypear
10-12-2012, 08:34 AM
They are not friends. Plain and simple. Move on and good luck.

masterptr
10-12-2012, 08:45 AM
They are not friends. Plain and simple. Move on and good luck.

Yes.
also let's not automatically expect them to be supportive just because they are your friends, family... whatever. but if they do, you say "Thank You!". if not, oh. well.... such is life. you Keep your chin up and move on.

But do trust yourself and you can do it.
we are here for you.
come back and post more after trying a few things to reset your weight loss program.

Good Luck!!!!

NolaMama
10-12-2012, 08:50 AM
I am going to try to look at this through your "friends" perspective... Just for a minute anyway. Rachel sounds like she is so bothered by her own failings that she has yet to come to terms with that by not recognizing YOUR fitness accomplishments and healthy changes, she is making herself feel like she's come along so much further than you. However, a true friend would never photoshop a picture of someone to highlight (or in this case exagerate) your flaws. So that being said, I'd confront her about it... Then proceed to tell her how horrible it makes you feel and that you don't need friends like that in your life. Also apologize to her that she must feel so poorly about her own body that she would ever need to do that to a friend to make herself feel better. I feel sorry for people like that.

Nicole sounds like she isn't ready to recognize or deal with her weight problem. Maybe she's not the best person to buddy up with. Rather, start on your own healthy journey and once you've made the right path for yourself, you can steer her in the right direction. The best thing you can do for her is be there for her and support her the way you wish these friends would support you.

You said you look at this site for support. I had been a lurker for a while... Getting inspiration and hoping that one day I'll be one of those people that hits their goal. I, like you, don't have a support system that I can turn to outside of 3FC... I decided I DID need the support and these ladies (and gents) have helped me stay on track. Stick around, maybe we can be the support your seeking.

LaurieDawn
10-12-2012, 09:46 AM
I am going to suggest something that may or may not be true. It sounds like you are using Rachel and Nicole (and your financial limitations) as excuses. I have lots of friends I can't talk to about my weight loss, for many reasons. Not a big deal. I only really talk about it in depth on 3FC. Would it be ideal to have weight loss support from friends I had known since I was small? Maybe. But I also wouldn't want to be responsible for their motivation.

This is so much better, at least for me. When I go to the gym, I often think of people like JossFit, who also commented on this thread. I have read her stories that ran in fitness media. I know she struggled with weight, and I know she's finding a way to be successful every day. I also know she, and so many others like her, are accessible here, and are kind enough to share their knowledge and wisdom. Why would I value that less than someone who doesn't know as much, and whose interactions with me are so much more complicated?

I guess I am just suggesting that perhaps the real key is to stop wishing for people to be different, and start using the tools you already have. Stop focusing on making your perfect weight loss world, and start making those choices that will make you healthier, stronger, and smaller.

carter
10-12-2012, 09:46 AM
It sounds to me like you should not discuss weight loss or fitness with these two. Focus on the other things you have in common, the things that made you friends in the first place. You don't need to let them hold back your progress; you just don't have to talk about it with them. Follow your plan, do what you need to do to lose weight - they don't have to be a part of your process in order to be your friend in other ways.

LockItUp
10-12-2012, 10:12 AM
Give up trying to get from these women what they are unwilling/unable to give you! You are only hurting yourself, and they have showed you many times over they cannot/will not give you support in this area.

Something I've found as I've gotten older is that people are who they are. You can't change them, and you have 2 choices: Accept them for who they are, or let the friendship fade away. You will be happier, in the end, if you listen to people when they tell you who they are instead of trying to make them who you want them to be.

3FC is a great place for support in this area. Sometimes there just aren't a lot of people in real life who can be supportive in this area!

DisappearingActs
10-12-2012, 10:21 AM
Just don't talk to them about your weight loss. I'm pretty sure your friendship is bigger than a mutual interest in health. If Nicole isn't really in gear to get healthy, get off her back about it. It's her body, let her do her thing. It can be really annoying when someone finally decides to take a look at their own weight and automatically they think they now have the right to look at everyone else's.

I think the most important thing in losing weight and keeping it off is learning to be your own support since you're the only one with a real obligation to you. Friends and family are unreliable and to be fair to them, usually after hearing about our attempt to get healthy for the 100th time... it's hard to stay optimistic.

krampus
10-12-2012, 10:22 AM
You can't count on anyone else to support you because even if they earnestly tried (which they're not doing now obviously), you might still feel like they weren't doing it right. You're not alone in this, but you are on your own, if that makes sense.

Also you sound like you're making weight loss into a big deal event, October is only halfway in, why wait until the end of the month? It doesn't require humongous efforts. Things like watching portions, drinking water, exercising, are things to do forever and ever and ever if you want to get the weight off and keep it off. You don't need to start at 1200 calories a day of 100% Paleo organic food. It's the little changes that add up and become habits.

XLMuffnTop
10-12-2012, 10:33 AM
I agree with others that I wouldn't discuss weight, exercise or other "healthy" topics with these two. I don't really discuss it with anyone outside of 3FC. My husband and mom know I want to lose weight but it's a no frills, "I'm doing this" kinda thing. I'd like to (hopefully) let my results speak for themselves.

The thing that was the biggest red flag to me though was the Photoshop thing. I understand being uncomfortable and maybe jealous and miffed that a friend is losing or wants to lose weight and you're not there. But to actively try to make someone feel worse by deceiving them is wrong. Even if you don't discuss weight loss with her, what will she do or say to try to hurt you?

Only you can decide if the aspects of these women is enough to overcome these issues.

Kery
10-12-2012, 11:21 AM
"Do people really feel that much better about themselves when sabotaging others and bringing them down?"

Yes. It's in the nature of many human beings. Schadenfreude, and all that. When they don't feel good, a lot of people secretly rejoice when seeing someone who's worse off than then... we don't like acknowledging it, but I'm pretty sure most of us have felt like this at least once in our lives (I'm including myself in the lot—eh, who's never thought stuff like "at least I'm not as fat as HER"? ^^).
And then there's the next level: people who find comfort in others' problems *and* make sure that they have problems/do their best to enhance them.

Looks like sabotaging to me. And photoshopping a picture to make you look, what fatter? Awful? WTF? That's one rotten thing to do, and way above merely 'secretly rejoicing'. :|

kelleyb
10-12-2012, 11:41 AM
You need to get your WL support somewhere else- not from these 2. What about joining a group like WW or OA? Not sure what else is out there, but there must be some different ones. Good luck.

IsabellaOlivia
10-12-2012, 11:48 AM
Who need enemies with friends like that?

Photoshopping pictures of friends to make them look fatter and posting them on facebook is very worrying in itself. But it also makes me question what other things this person could possibly do further down the line.

It's a major red flag.

kaplods
10-12-2012, 12:09 PM
I think your expectations for these women are unrealistic. Maybe they're rotten friends, or maybe they're great friends (just not on the topic of weight loss) who just aren't able to be the support you want them to be in this area.

Being fat doesn't automatically make you a great weight loss support system for every other fat person on the planet. Rachel and Nicole could probably write a similar post to yours, listing all the ways you aren't the best weight loss support for them (or support in some other area of life in which they feel they need you and you're not there for).

The photoshop thing though is a very large red flag that Nicole has some deeper issues going on (I'd suspect mental health issues and/or some very severe unresolved anger with you. This smacks of "revenge" for some real or imagined hurt you've done her - at least in her mind).

If Nicole has been a good friend in other ways, I would recommend kindly confronting her on the photo. If she denies it or refuses to talk about it, I would consider you think very carefully about whether or not to continue the friendship. If she's an amazing friend in other ways, you may choose to continue the friendship, but you'll have less stress and drama in your life if you refuse to look to these women as sources of potential support.

These women don't "owe" you support. Of course it would be great if we could all get and give perfect support for weight loss for anyone who needs it, but it ain't going to happen any time soon, because what one person finds supportive another finds destructive.

We're "taught" to be petty and jealous over weight loss. We're taught to envy other's success and to see "sabotage" everywhere. No matter what you do, or do not do it can be seen as sabotage, jealousy, selfishness... so that often the sources of support can't be from people who we are too close too.

My husband and I are both on weight loss journeys, but we've found that we're not able to be of much help to each other. We've found that the best way to support each other is to stay almost entirely out of each other's weight loss.

We've tried and continue to try to make some compromises, but many have failed. Right now we're experimenting with a new compromise, he's going to weekly TOPS (taking off pounds sensibly) meetings with me even though he doesn't really want to go, and I'm going to the gym more often with him (even though it means I have to take a book because I can't work out as long as he can).

Sometimes (in fact, I'd say often and perhaps even usually) the best support comes from people we don't know very well, because we don't tend to put unrealistic expectations onto strangers, and we're less likely to misconstrue attempts at support. We're more forgiving of stranger's giving imperfect support, but we expect friends and family to know us well enough to anticipate our needs and provide it perfectly.

DisappearingActs
10-12-2012, 12:36 PM
Oh gee! I kind of skimmed so I totally missed the photoshop part. I seriously think you need to ex her out as a friend. Rachael may be a bit of a show off, and a little competitive, but that photoshop thing is down right creepy. To photoshop a friend to make them look worst? what does that accomplish? Chick is a hater and haters either want to see you down, or bring you down. There really is no way around it.

For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.

beth sebring
10-12-2012, 12:43 PM
I dont know if you have a planet fitness in your area, but they offer free personal trainers at the gym and the memberships don’t cost an arm and a leg. They can tell you the RIGHT way to lose weight and prevent you from your “friends” filling your head full of negative ideas.
But I wouldn’t listen to what your friends have to say. People tend to get jealous when you try to better yourself, and it’s hard b/c it’s all new to you to. They could easily contort your views on what a healthy lifestyle it. That’s why I like these forums. What people do here is not only about losing weight, but working on mental and physical health as a way to better yourself. That’s what its all about.
Btw, I wouldn’t worry about your friend that lost 40pound and is showing it off. Once the attention goes away she’ll either learn to maintain the healthy weight or gain the weight back.

Prestige
10-12-2012, 01:33 PM
Wow! I'm astonished by all the responses. I really do appreciate each and everyone of you taking the time to give me your opinions and thoughts on the matter. I really needed to write this post. (For me.) It helped me to really see how these girls are not my friends. But before I offer anything I else, I want to specifically touch upon just a few things -- and I won't be super long this time.

While it's true that only one half of the story is being shared, I still can't find any just cause to be so competitive and down right malicious with the desire to get healthy. I'm not trying to change these women, and I don't think that because they are overweight they are prime WL buddies. Instead, I naively assumed that our histories together would open them up to support. I don't think desiring support from someone you (once) considered your nearest and dearest is wrong. Rachel and I have been fading away for sometime now. People come in and out of your lives and I understand that. Painful as it may be - I understand that our time might be short lived.

As for Nicole, well the reason our friendship is so complicated is because I somehow love the girl. I'm a Godmother to her two children. However, I've recently opened by eyes to her treatment of me. The photoshopping is just the icing on the cake. For years I've had people lecture me on her bullying nature and I just brushed it off. But again I say, I'm not trying to change either one of them in the sense of FORCING them to be healthy with me. I would just like a little acknowledgement and encouragement from people that have been in my life 10 plus years. I may have worded things wrong, but I've just been so frustrated and I guess I had a moment of near clarification last night so I had word vomit. I thank you all for accepting it! lol

Finally, weightloss is a big deal and I am not making any kind of excuse to eat healthy when I made mention of my financial limitations. It's not required to go into extreme detail, but I really frown upon such a thought. Many people do conjure up constant excuses and imagined justifications to start eating right tomorrow and the next day and the next day. I have no food in my house, except for what I can come up with every couple of days through the means of borrowing money until we get back on our feet. Eating pizza constantly was my reality for quite a while. Though I'd kill for a salad, an unexpected death in my family knocked us for a loop, spiritually, emotionally, financially and physically. So, yeah I view weightloss as a big deal. It is a huge event when eating right is so important and next to impossible given the situation I found myself in. I have an old treadmill, countless work out DVDs -- and a fine abundance of water. But what about food? Contrary to popular belief resources are not readily available to everyone. Especially not in my area. So I make due. I have a few more tough weeks ahead of me, but work hours are growing and I'm making progress.

So, in conclusion... I now realize...these girls are not real friends. My problems far surpass last night's vent session. It took my long winded attempted/WL testimony for me to see it. I might be wrong in wanting a 'perfect' weight loss world. But I suppose I figured that buddying up (with Nicole) would just make sense. We live SO close to each other, and she's always professing her desire to lose weight. I watched some inspiring WL videos on youtube last night. I think I will go this alone --- and definitely do my best to become more active here. I really like this forum. I like the honesty and I appreciate the natural support.

We've all been there, right?

Thank you so so much! I'll just keep on keeping on -- do my thing and maybe share my little achievements here.

masterptr
10-12-2012, 01:43 PM
Good Girl!!!
You go!!!

Prestige
10-12-2012, 01:45 PM
Thanks XD

It's a lot easier said than done, but I figure 3FC can be my safe haven and escape. I don't have any local gyms ... I live in a very very small limited town :( I have hopes to relocate by early next year so we shall see.

Missy Krissy
10-12-2012, 02:21 PM
I feel you on the expense of "healthy" food; I'm a stay at home mom while my husband is a student. We certainly can't afford to buy all organic fruits and veggies fresh daily, or do all of our grocery shopping at health food stores, but we can do small things that impact our health.

I don't know how limited your budget is, but these are some things I do:

* Eat SOMETHING fresh/raw each day (apples, bananas and grapes are pretty low cost)
* Keep a big bag of frozen veggies in the freezer (the bigger the bag the more cost effective this is - peas are a good, green, affordable veggie)
* When buying lettuce, don't buy the salad mixes in the bags, buy your own lettuce, whole, and cut/rip it up yourself (I get 3 heads of romaine lettuce, wash it, cut it, and keep it in a zipplock bag and it lasts me 4 times as long as the prepared bags).

Of course, if all you have available is pizza and mac'n'cheese, just use portion control. You can always control the amount of calories you're taking in even if you can't control WHAT you're taking in.
Good luck!

novangel
10-12-2012, 02:23 PM
I don't discuss my fitness journey w/ people and save it for here. Truthfully most people find it annoying, feel inferior, or simply don't care so I don't bother. I'll pat myself on the back when all is said and done. :)

Your friends sound like a-holes. Time to move on.

JohnP
10-12-2012, 02:36 PM
As a guy I probably have different feelings than the rest of the group here.

To be blunt I'm just hearing a lot of excuses of why you can't. So long as you think you can't you can't. It is that simple.

You need to take action and not worry about others.

You don't have to eat "healthy" you just need to eat less calories.

The longest journey starts with a single step. You've taken the first one. Keep taking them.

Prestige
10-12-2012, 02:36 PM
@ Missy Krissy: Right now my budget is extremely limited! Eating the way I want to is expensive. I know the little things count, but last winter I felt so amazing because I was pretty much eating everything organic. That kind of diet is what made me happy and it worked for me. I'm fine with tweaking things here and there, but let me tell ya babe -- I have none of the aforementioned foods on hand. I didn't express my financial situation to earn sympathy or pity. But times really have been tight. An oh woe is me post of explanation isn't worth anyone's time. lol Hopefully things pan out, I'm a huge fan of healthy cooking and baking. I discovered this early last year... I have some awesome meals I'm just aching to make! Things are on the up and up. That's why I'm preparing for my chance to kick back into gear. XD

@Novangel: You put it best! So I'm really going to try my best to tough it out and become active here.


Thank you ladies! :)

Prestige
10-12-2012, 02:40 PM
As a guy I probably have different feelings than the rest of the group here.

To be blunt I'm just hearing a lot of excuses of why you can't. So long as you think you can't you can't. It is that simple.

You need to take action and not worry about others.

You don't have to eat "healthy" you just need to eat less calories.

The longest journey starts with a single step. You've taken the first one. Keep taking them.



Seeing my reality as an excuse is fine by me when you don't have all the details. Some days we have no food in my house. Medical bills piled up, and the money we bring in is too much to be awarded any government assistance. Last week my sister, Mother and I -- lived off of little Debbies and PB & Js. It really is a lot easier said than done when you suggest to eat less calories. If you only have junk to eat (even in limitations) you aren't going to feel good. It weighs you down and makes you sick because your body wants something more than a handful of muffins or stale pizza.

I welcome all opinions, and I appreciate all responses. But I'm not making any excuses to NOT eat right (calorie control) when I don't have any food on hand half the time to eat at all. That has been my reality - not my excuse.

But you're right! I'm here and that's a step in the right direction for me in terms of finding support. XD

JohnP
10-12-2012, 05:50 PM
Seeing my reality as an excuse is fine by me when you don't have all the details.


You didn't get fat because of a lack of money.

You didn't get fat because of unsupportive friends.

You didn't get fat because of [insert reason here].


You don't have to stay fat because of a lack of money.

You don't have to stay fat because of unsupportive friends.

You don't have to stay fat because of [insert reason here].


As long as you're just a victim of your circumstances you're going to fail. I'm not saying it is easy I'm just saying that you're making excuses right now.

Google "the twinkie diet".

juliastl27
10-12-2012, 06:13 PM
this sort of reminds me of when i quit smoking last year (unfortunately it only took for about 4 months). all my smoker friends seemed irritated that i was quitting. whenever i said something about wanting a cigarette only a couple of them would try to talk me out of it, the others would say, here! have one!

a little competition can be healthy. my sister and i have always been a little competitive with weight loss. if shes losing, it inspires me to get back on the wagon and try to outdo her. my best friend got on board with me this round as well and im also trying to do better than her, lol. we're not sabotaging each other or saying nasty things though. its not mean spirited, its just a little healthy competition (literally!).

the photoshop thing seems a bit over the top... but im not going say they arent your friends. if you're godparents to their kids and such, theres obviously a deep friendship there. sounds like your friend nicole has some serious self esteem issues. the other one just sounds a little braggy and like shes getting TOO competitive.

i wouldnt come down too hard on them. sometimes folks just dont like seeing someone else do something they wish they could do.

JohnP as ive noticed on this board, does have a very *male* way of going about things that can come off very harsh. i dont think he was trying to attack you in any way, but men just say things differently than women.

i agree with the spirit of his post that you can ALWAYS do something. my financial situation is also bad right now. if you're to a point where some days you cant eat at all then you should really be looking for food pantries and whatnot. i understand its REALLY hard to be picky on a very tight budget but theres always some choices. while a pizza might be easier, with a little work and imagination there are healthy options out there for the same price.


learning how to use spices will REALLY save you some money.


my dinner tonight =
chicken tenderloins from aldis slow cooked = $3 for 1.5 lbs
rice = about 35 cents/serving
2 onions = about 79 cents each


this meal will easily feed me and my boyfriend for about $5.50.

Prestige
10-12-2012, 06:24 PM
You didn't get fat because of a lack of money.

You didn't get fat because of unsupportive friends.

You didn't get fat because of [insert reason here].


You don't have to stay fat because of a lack of money.

You don't have to stay fat because of unsupportive friends.

You don't have to stay fat because of [insert reason here].


As long as you're just a victim of your circumstances you're going to fail. I'm not saying it is easy I'm just saying that you're making excuses right now.

Google "the twinkie diet".




How my desire to vent about competitive friends turned into me making excuses is a wonder. I'm not victimizing myself. Considering you don't know my history (medically speaking), I'd like to remind you that counting calories doesn't always do the trick for everyone. My body needs more than what I currently have to give it. In your eyes that's an excuse, but in my Doctor's opinion that's a fact. As such, I'd say you are over simplifying things. There are times in our lives John that life really isn't 'that' simple no matter how badly we wish it to be. I haven't divulged any focus on my weight that centers on blame of anyone else. You have imagined that. The premise of my original post was how to gauge these two women that seem so quick to start a near rivalry whenever I publicize my weight loss goals and desires. I also never mentioned any sort of intent or desire to stay over weight, "fat" because of my financial situation, friends or any other absurd reason you are keen to elude to.


Better still I stumbled upon supportive words that you offered in another thread that actually ring true to my intent.


You maintain it one day at a time and you PLAN AHEAD so you don't find yourself starving and in the drive through of Sonic.

While the nature of this particular response was offered to someone asking for advice on maintaining momentum, I can still use it - and I will. I'm doing what I can RIGHT now to ensure that I will be okay when I'm back on track, but until then I can't go out with a bang. So I am planning, and as you know having a plan is not a bad thing. (You even encourage it to another.) Firing a post at me that is over loaded with imagined "excuses" sure does seem unduly critical, when you understand the wonders of planning ahead. So yeah, life isn't always peaches n'cream. My weight fluctuates and yo-yos like most people. I enjoy eating healthy, primarily organic and soy. I'd say you missed the point of my post, and chose instead to advise me on a method that works for you. Opinions are welcome, but I disagree with yours. As you said earlier maybe your thoughts are different because you're a guy. But I stand firm in my belief that you've missed the point entirely, and instead want to throw out some intended words of wisdom. Do or do not there is no try. Wanting a plan isn't wrong. Wanting to be able to eat proper meals isn't wrong. Take them for excuses as you will, but we're two different people. So I'll agree to disagree with you, because the point you are trying to make doesn't register with me. I never eluded to any of those excuses at all. Not directly or in between the lines. The ladies did well enough to wish me well and I'm happy to accept that.

Have a good one John.

Prestige
10-12-2012, 06:31 PM
this sort of reminds me of when i quit smoking last year (unfortunately it only took for about 4 months). all my smoker friends seemed irritated that i was quitting. whenever i said something about wanting a cigarette only a couple of them would try to talk me out of it, the others would say, here! have one!

a little competition can be healthy. my sister and i have always been a little competitive with weight loss. if shes losing, it inspires me to get back on the wagon and try to outdo her. my best friend got on board with me this round as well and im also trying to do better than her, lol. we're not sabotaging each other or saying nasty things though. its not mean spirited, its just a little healthy competition (literally!).

the photoshop thing seems a bit over the top... but im not going say they arent your friends. if you're godparents to their kids and such, theres obviously a deep friendship there. sounds like your friend nicole has some serious self esteem issues. the other one just sounds a little braggy and like shes getting TOO competitive.

i wouldnt come down too hard on them. sometimes folks just dont like seeing someone else do something they wish they could do.

JohnP as ive noticed on this board, does have a very *male* way of going about things that can come off very harsh. i dont think he was trying to attack you in any way, but men just say things differently than women.

i agree with the spirit of his post that you can ALWAYS do something. my financial situation is also bad right now. if you're to a point where some days you cant eat at all then you should really be looking for food pantries and whatnot. i understand its REALLY hard to be picky on a very tight budget but theres always some choices. while a pizza might be easier, with a little work and imagination there are healthy options out there for the same price.


learning how to use spices will REALLY save you some money.


my dinner tonight =
chicken tenderloins from aldis slow cooked = $3 for 1.5 lbs
rice = about 35 cents/serving
2 onions = about 79 cents each


this meal will easily feed me and my boyfriend for about $5.50.



Let me tell you girlfriend, when I said my town's resources are limited I meant that! It amazes me that we have such a long list of charities, churches, welfare, and services that are intended to help people but can't for lack of funding. I work my butt off, but bad things happened and we've really been stuck in a rut. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not all woe is me. But when things got bad they got bad. I'm not looking for anyone to take care of me though. I just want to get back on my feet.

You make a good point in reminding me that men have a different way of wording things. As a new member, his post while obviously offered with the best of intentions - did indeed come off as harsh, which left me on the defense. So if you see this John, no hard feelings -- but we're all different. I'm well aware of where I stand and how I got this way.


@juliast: I'm a wiz in the kitchen! And I cook up fabulous meals on a budget! I'm just trying to get to my next paycheck. It might be hard for some people to imagine that you can be out there in the world with internet and a computer and have no food -- but it's entirely possible! lol I promise. My hours increased at work, my sister started a new job... We're hanging in that limbo stage of waiting for the money to show up. :carrot: I'm pretty excited... I'm craving my vegan no bakes!

kaplods
10-12-2012, 06:58 PM
What you are calling your reality and others are calling excuses, are better called obstacles, and obstacles can slow you down or stop you in your tracks, but only if you let them.

You do seem to be focusing on the impediment. Venting about your friends lack of support, is an unnecessary distraction. Sure it would be nice if they were able to be support for you, but they've proven that they can't. You can vent and complain about it, feel outraged or disappointed about their lack of "support," but ultimately that's all a waste of time and effort that could be spent on being your own support.

There's not much that anyone else can do for you when it comes to weight loss. That's the surprising, even shocking truth. I spent decades expecting support that I never received, and I finally realized that it wasn't because people in my life weren't trying to help, it's that I expected what they couldn't give, and ironically I often expected the opposite of whatever they were giving.

If they criticised my food choices they were over-controlling food cops.

If they didn't criticise my food choices, they were enablers.

If they pushed me to exercise with them, they were being overbearing.

If they didn't want to exercise with me, they were lazy and unmotivated.

If they were losing better than I was, they were showing off and gloating.

If they were losing slower than I was, their lack of motivation demotivated me.

If they didn't compliment me and gush over my weight loss, they were jealous.

If they did compliment me and gush over my weight loss and told me how great I looked, they were snidely implying that I looked horrible before.


Weight loss, especially for women messes with hormones and hormones mess with emotions. And often the emotional roller coaster makes it absolutely impossible for women to receive and give support in a way that feels good. No matter what the person does to try to help (or doesn't do) it seems like the wrong thing...

and I really think that's what's going on here. You're falling into the "grass is greener over there" aspect of weight loss that isn't reality, it's just the normal feelings that come with weight loss.

If I had more money, I could lose weight more easily.
If I didn't have to work, I could lose weight more easily.


Weight loss would be easier

if I had more time
if I didn't have a job
if I was working
if I had a family
if I was in a relationship
if I wasn't in a relationship
if my doctor, friends and family would comment on my weight
if my doctor, friends and family would stop commenting on my weight


The reality is that we all see obstacles in our lives, and we can sometimes think that life would be easier without those obstacles, but the truth is that if we didn't have those obstacles, we'd have some other obstacles.

Your friends can't or won't provide the support you need.... so go find the support elsewhere, or create it in your own life by being what you need them to be in your life.

There's a very good chance that no one can give you the support you need, because there's a good chance that weight loss hormones are creating obstacles that don't have to be obstacles. It's very likely that what you think you want from these friends would not feel like support if they gave it, because the weight loss hormonal rollercoaster makes everything feel hard and difficult and wrong.

You have to learn to see that the obstacles don't have to be impediments. You really can succeed with every obstacle thrown in your path, you just have to be in "solution" mode rather than problem-finding mode.

"What do I do, to work around this?" "What do I do to succeed, no matter what gets thrown my way?"


I'm not dismissing the power of obstacles. I've faced some monumental obstacles in my life (mostly in the last ten years), and yet it's during the most stressful, complicated, and crazy time that I've succeeded. In retrospect, I envy my "old self" and her obstacles. What I wouldn't give to have those obstacles back in exchange for all the larger and crazier ones I'm dealing with now, and yet back then I let those obstacles become roadblocks, and now I find ways around them. Sure the weight loss is slower, but it's also been permanent, which I couldn't say "back then," so even though my life is much more challenging now, I'm now up to the challenge.

You do seem to be focusing on the obstacles, rather than on ways to overcome them or work around them. This is going to hold you back a lot more than anything anyone else can do or say (or fail to do or say).

There are solutions to every obstacle, and venting has it's place, but most of the time it's only a distraction that prevents you from finding the solution/work around.

It is hard to lose weight on a poverty budget, but not impossible. You just have to be more tenacious and creative (and be willing to make a lot more food from scratch).

My husband and I hit a very difficult patch where we had only $25 a month for grocery money. We were too ashamed to go to the food pantries (at our size) and we made a few dollars too much to get foodstamps, and our medication costs were higher than our rent).

We lived on cabbage, carrots, onions, potatoes, rice, tvp (dry soy protein), oatmeal, cereal pasta, tomato paste, chicken thighs, banannas, apples, and cheap ground beef -most of it bought at "scratch and dent salvage groceries."

Mostly I made huge pots of soup, and we'd eat the soup until it was gone, sometimes eating the same meals six days in a row (until the soup ran out and I could make a slightly different soup).


The book the Complete Tightwad Gazette and other similar books I checked out from the library really helped me find solutions to the financial obstacles to weight loss. Our budget has become looser, but I still use most of my money-saving strategies to make the budget go as far as it can. The main difference is that I'm more able to buy in bulk, and I can afford a higher protein, lower-carb diet.

Reality doesn't have to be a roadblock, but you do have to be determined and creative to find the workarounds. This is n incredible resource for those workarounds (the Shoestring forum for example is loaded with money-saving strategies for even the tightest of budgets).

You don't NEED the support of these two friends, because you can find the support you need here and elsewhere. You can waste time wishing your friends were different, or you can reach out and accept the support that is offered here on this site - or elsewhere.

No matter what the obstacle, there are people here experiencing the same obstacles and overcoming them. All you have to do is look and you'll find them. Use the search options or just ask, and you'll find people facing the same exact situation and finding ways to succeed anyway.

JohnP
10-12-2012, 07:04 PM
I didn't realize you had it all figured out and were just looking to vent.

My mistake - I have no hard feelings and hope you have none either.

novangel
10-12-2012, 07:55 PM
I was actually going to bring up the quitting smoking comparison. When I tried to quit a few times I stopped telling people because they became so freaking annoying about it they made me want to smoke. If anything people made me feel more irritable than supported.

FTR I don't smoke anymore, this was a long time ago.

heathermichigan
10-12-2012, 08:29 PM
:hug::hug:
To start, I totally get this. I, too, have tried to help my friends go along with me over the years when I've been on the path to healthier living. And what I learned is this: You can't make people change. (That part might be obvious.) But also...some people (like the first friend you mentioned) do not and probably never will support your weight loss. She sounds like she is jealous on some level of what you were able to do and doesn't seem to want to do it the hard way (slow and steady). In my experience, those kind of people can lose weight and talk about it like it is so easy, blah blah, but they can never keep it up and gain it back. And your second friend can't be helped by you. That may sound harsh, but some people just can't be helped with things like health. And you need to focus on you: it sounds like you are doing everything right when you are on track. For me, this time around, I am doing it slow and steady and intend to keep going for myself until I'm done. I hope you can get to that place, too. It is very liberating. :)

MrsTryingAgain
10-12-2012, 09:00 PM
I maybe tough, but you have to decide are they really your friends? I had to go through this just about 3 months ago. I had a friend, who is also a relative, (so this makes it double hard) who belittles me & my hubby. We put up with it for over a year. She felt nothing was wrong with trashing us & letting HER FRIENDS do the same. Being around her & her crew became IMPOSSIBLE. It was making us miserable & caused us to fight. I love my hubby & myself too much to let it continue.

Friends should love & support you unconditionally. Being their friend should not make you unhappy. Friends are supposed to be a gift we give to ourselves. If they are sucking you dry emotionally, they aren't doing you any good. I know it's not easy, but be honest with yourself...are you happier with them or away from them? I'm not talking about the loneliness that can happen, but about how do you feel about Y-O-U!!!

I read a quote right after I ended my friendship. I wish I know who wrote it but, it has helped me keep a perspective:
"In life you realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you, and some will teach you. But the most important ones are the ones who bring out the best in you, respect you and accept you for who you are. Those are the ones worth keeping around."
I actually posted this on my fridge so I'd see it often. It helped me to realize that even if someone calls themselves "friend", I'm the one to decide if they are worthy of the title. It was not easy to let go. I cried a lot of tears, I ate waaaay too much junk over it & it took time. It still bothers me that the phone doesn't ring, but at least I'm not being trashed by a "friend".