Weight Loss Support - weight and intimacy

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10-08-2012, 05:29 AM
wondering if any of you feel like your weight has affected your sex life? if it has, how so? do you think you're less confident or he's less interested? i hear a lot of friends talk about this and have some poor experiences in my history regarding being overweight and engaged in a sexual relationship.

just curious.

Em Coconut
10-08-2012, 07:45 AM
I would absolutely say it has for me. It's kinda like I feel like I don't deserve to get any anymore. Plus, I find it to be a lot harder when it first happens. I do feel sometimes like the husband doesn't want me, but there is a huge chance it's all in my head. Just hope it gets better again...:)

10-08-2012, 08:28 AM
for my husband no problems or issues, the man still sees me as a 125lb size 5 woman (God love him)! i on the other hand have major issues with my weight and my sexiness, need/want of it n all n it drives my husband crazy! so the only issue we have is my hang up which does get rough some times.

10-08-2012, 09:00 AM
My weight really impacted my sex life. When I was heavy, it became harder and harder to be intimate. Not only because was I insecure about my size, I didn't feel beautiful, and I didn't feel sexy, and my confidence was in the toilet, there was the mechanics of working around all that fat. It also became a lot harder to climax. I just wasn't in the mood.

I think that even though my husband has always said he thinks I'm beautiful, at some point I think he was turned off by my size. And even if he wasn't, my whole attitude was a turn off. I won't even go in to that, but I was a blobby mess. They say that how you feel can affect how you look, and I believe it. When I started losing the weight, even when I was still heavy, my confidence soared. I felt better about myself and I felt more comfortable in my own skin. I think I projected this and it made me more attractive altogether. KWIM?

My sex life with my husband has improved. Like 10 fold. We're talking a few times a year to a few times a week! And not just because he wants to, but because I do! :eek: He's responded to my size, and physical appearance, but he also likes my attitude. Plus, my smaller size makes the mechanics of the act easier. And one thing I didn't expect.... I think the strength I have developed in my pelvic muscles with exercise has improved the "Big O". Seriously! :o

10-08-2012, 10:15 AM
It affected me but never my dh.

10-08-2012, 10:50 AM
It affects me quite a bit. My hubby not at all. My hubby won't even acknowledge that I am chubby, much less that I am this big. He says he is just as turned on by me now as when I was 130 pounds. But, I don't believe him. I always feel like he is disgusted with me, so I have trouble relaxing with him. He never says anything to make me feel that way, but I still do. He says he sees me differently than I see myself, and that I am beautiful, but how can he think that? I always worry about the fat rolls and what if it jiggles and oh my god, what if he touches me and feels the lumps and rolls.

10-08-2012, 11:14 AM
My husband has never stopped desiring me .. (although sometimes I wish he would just give me a break!!!) But it was different from my side. I didn't feel sexy - forget anything sexy to wear! And yes, the mechanics of it ... My husband is a larger guy, not extreme by any means but about 6' 5" and a little under 300 lbs so it's hard enough for me to maneuver ..

I fit back into those little things now, but I do think IP affected my sex drive in relation to hormones. I'm already pre-menopausal and my drive went to 0 throughout the diet. Just starting to get back there now.

I don't think we see ourselves the same way as our partners. Look at all the posts, the guys see beauty where we see fat. Maybe we need to switch to their view a little more ....

10-08-2012, 11:19 AM
though it didn't really stop my husband before, he did mention that he likes his slim wife.... it didn't bother me one way or another.

10-08-2012, 11:24 AM
It isn't my weight that's the problem. I've been heavy for as long as my husband and I have been together. He likes big women. However, we stopped having sex about 3 years ago. It's like a light switch flipped off and we both lost our sex drives. To be honest, mine had been diminishing for a long time before that; I just didn't want it. My husband reached that point a few years later. For him, it's due to erectile dysfunction that pills really don't help. For me, I dunno, I just lost interest. Which is surprising given what a horn dog I'd been for most of my life.

Song of Surly
10-08-2012, 12:17 PM
Weight loss, so far, has actually done quite the opposite for me. I've actually found myself wanting it LESS. I think it may have something to do with the fact that my hormones were a little whacky before, and I was a complete horn dog at times. Now that they've evened out some more since I've lost some weight (I have PCOS), it's like I'm kinda ambivalent about sex at times. Like, I'd be totally fine with once a week usually instead of three or four times a week as before.

Nothing has changed for my dbf. I was heavy when I met him, though a little lighter, and weight loss or weight gain has done nothing to his sex drive. He could definitely go multiple times a day, which considering my libido trouble as of late, has caused more than one argument. :(

10-08-2012, 12:42 PM
I think I sought sex as some sort of validation for my self-worth when I was heavier. Now that I'm getting lighter, it's less of a selfish "need" and has become something to mutually enjoy with my husband. I think the fact that it has gotten better has very little to do with actual weight loss and is much more about how my self-perception has changed with my diminishing anxieties.

The anxieties are a whole other story regardless, and I think they've been the real root of my weight problems throughout most of my life. Now that I'm finally aware of the issues and am figuring out how to take care of them, all sorts of aspects in my life are improving.

Arctic Mama
10-08-2012, 12:52 PM
though it didn't really stop my husband before, he did mention that he likes his slim wife.... it didn't bother me one way or another.

That's us. In hindsight my husband is appreciative of the hard work I've put into slimming down and getting stronger, but it didn't impact the quality of our sex life in any appreciable way. I never felt strongly one way or the other, I'm still me regardless of weight! It affected how I feel day to day, with clothes ON, a whole lot more. My husband has always been 'safe territory' for me, thankfully.

10-08-2012, 01:59 PM
It definitely killed my libido. It didn't really make a difference to DH as far as want/willingness, but I'm 100% sure he is happier with things since I've lost weight since my libido is back and very strong (and I look better of course). It's a whole different world now, for me!

10-08-2012, 02:31 PM
Weight loss, so far, has actually done quite the opposite for me. I've actually found myself wanting it LESS.

Same here.

The weight made me more insecure to move around during sex, but I still enjoyed it and so did my husband. My husband and I are very similar about how our weight affects our sex life. We don't really mind the other person's extra weight, it's our own that makes us most uncomfortable. Not that my husband has much to lose, he's a soldier and in pretty good shape, but he's got this way that he likes to look and if he's not there, he feels fat, I guess.

My husband did comment recently about how sex feels different since I've lost weight and that it makes him want to get really serious about it as well. So... I guess I really can't tell how weight affected our sex life until I lose it all. For all I know, the extra weight made our sex life good while being small could make it great.

10-08-2012, 02:32 PM
I think my self confidence took the biggest nose dive in my life when my now ex-husband stopped having sex with me for 2 years before we divorced. He would never tell me it was because of my weight but I knew he wasn't attracted to me anymore...heck...I wasn't attracted to me either and that made it worse. It's not that he's never been with a big woman before....I think my own lack of confidence showed the most...but of course, I believe my weight had a lot to do with it (I mean...why would he have an affair with a thin woman yet tell me that he's just not in the mood...yeah...doesn't make sense). Anyways....I had to learn to work from the inside out and love myself regardless of my weight. Yes, losing is a great thing for my health and it enhances my confidence and no doubt I'll look better physically.....but that self love should be there at ALL times...because it shows..and men see it and that in itself is attractive.

westcoast rosa
10-08-2012, 03:44 PM
Our sex life has always been great and we are both bigger people. I will say that since I have lost 42 lbs and he has lost about 25 that our sex life has gotten more varied which has made it more exciting and new. This isn't due to an increased desire, but to pure physics. We are now able to perform some positions that we couldn't really execute before at our larger sizes....so that is fun ;) .

10-08-2012, 05:37 PM
a lot of interesting responses. i definitely feel for the women who are embarrassed and feel they dont deserve anyone to be attracted to them. thats more of how i get.

im also with someone who doesn't have a particularly high sex drive, especially for his age. i tend to blame it on myself. i recently asked him if my weight loss would help the problem, and he said "there is no *problem*!" looking back, his drive is the same as it ever was, im just way more insecure now.

if im being honest i must admit that if he suddenly gained 50+ lbs like i did, id find him less physically attractive (which is hard to admit). id still love him and find him attractive and want to be with him, but itd be slightly different. we like to think that guys are just huge jerks for being less attracted to us based on our weight, but how many of you might feel the same way?

i hate admitting that, and i hate that it's true.

10-08-2012, 06:54 PM
It affected me but never my dh.

^This. Things are improved because I'm more comfortable with myself, it was never an issue for him.

10-08-2012, 09:13 PM
Sex for me, overall, has done nothing but got better since I lost weight. Before, I couldn't do certain positions simply because my body would not allow me to. This made sex really difficult and while my partner never had a problem, he definitely doesn't have a problem now and loves my new body and that I can actually do some of the work when it comes to sex now. I love myself a whole lot more too, and it shows.

10-08-2012, 09:43 PM
It definitely killed my libido. It didn't really make a difference to DH as far as want/willingness, but I'm 100% sure he is happier with things since I've lost weight since my libido is back and very strong (and I look better of course). It's a whole different world now, for me!Same here! I don't know if it's mental or physical, but I won't question it!

10-08-2012, 09:58 PM
you weigh in is coming up soon.
Good Luck!!!!!

10-09-2012, 03:50 AM
I've noticed that I've always thought I was sexy and I preferred a bf or a FWB relationship. Even as a big girl I would get a lot of male attention but I preferred to have it on my terms which was rare. Sex, but not frequent sex until I got married a year ago. Since then, I've wanted it less, that and being on BC that drained my libido. My DH always wants it quite a few times a day and I hate having to say no sometimes, but sometimes I'm just not into it. I have noticed that when I was losing weight before I felt the need to do it but DH was away at the time in basic training. Now because we're married, and I've gained a few pounds I'm a bit more self conscious and don't want it as much. I hope that will change once I get the body I want. I love sex, I'm just all of a sudden self conscious when I used to be extremely confident even as a larger woman. I think being married has made me more vulnerable.

10-09-2012, 03:53 AM
My weight has never made me feel insecure when having sex but when I was heavier it sure made positioning a lot more difficult. That part of being intimate sucked.

10-09-2012, 06:23 AM
I think being married has made me more vulnerable.

I thought I was the only one! As a single woman, or even just a girlfriend, I was so much more free. As a married woman, I'm so self-conscious about EVERYTHING! I just don't get it.

10-09-2012, 03:16 PM
I thought I was the only one! As a single woman, or even just a girlfriend, I was so much more free. As a married woman, I'm so self-conscious about EVERYTHING! I just don't get it.

this is very interesting. i wonder why?

i feel like the more i know my boyfriend and the longer we've been together, the more comfortable i feel. the idea of having sex with someone i dont really know is horrible to me. i cant imagine how self conscious id feel!!

maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourselves to act like you think a wife should act? a madonna/whore type thing?

10-09-2012, 04:04 PM
My husband and I met at nearly our highest weights (and dieting put on a few). I've never let my weight hold me back any more than it had to. What I lacked in stamina and endurance I made up for with creativity and passion.

I have more strength and stamina, and sex is more comfortable, but my libido has tanked. I actually felt sexier and more interested in sex at my highest weight.

I know it's the dieting, as I've experienced the libido crash during dieting in the past. When I was single, it was actually a relief - I didn't want to date while I was "in transition," so having the libido crash during dieting wasn't a hardship.

One of the reasons I don't restrict calories very much and have intentionally lost weight at a very slow pace, has been to preserve some libido. I know from experience that if I cut calories more drastically, I have absolutely no energy or interest in intimacy. I don't want to give up sex (not even temporarily) to lose weight.

It seems like everything I do to lose weight is about compromise. Finding a calorie level that allows me to fully enjoy my life while still having success.

10-09-2012, 04:46 PM
Not all men are the same when it comes to a wife who's overweight. It doesn't bother some guys one whit, while it's a big turnoff with others. But if someone were to show me photos of twins with one being 245 lbs. and the other at 145 lbs. and ask me whom was sexier physically - the answer to me is obvious. And the sexier one's mate is physically, the more happy-time there will be from a man's POV, generally speaking. Now, I'm not talking about love here - only physical attraction.

10-09-2012, 05:27 PM
I have always had more interest in sex when I was in control of my eating....not so much what I weigh. For instance, if I weighed 200 lbs. and was on my way down, I'd feel more interested and confident than if I weighed 180 and was gaining and on my way up on the scale....but if it's more drastic such as weighing 150 on the way up, I'd still feel more interested in sex than 200 lbs on the way down. So my actual weight does have a role in my desire but how I'm eating has more to do with it.

For my husband, he likes for me to weigh less. Men tend to be more visual than women. I know he loves me but if my weight is very high, there's less of a physical attraction. He's not into very skinny women either...he likes curves, but not too many lumps and bumps. His libido is most impacted by his own weight. He struggles with his weight and so he understands when I gain and doesn't expect me to lose or anything crazy like that. ;)

Now that he's heavier, I'm just as interested in him but I can tell that he doesn't have the same level of interest and it's just not as effortless.

Do I get my feelings hurt if he's not as interested, even if it's because of his own weight? Yes, I do. I tend to feel rejected.

10-09-2012, 05:41 PM
I met my current bf "after" the "transformation" from overweight to kinda in shape. Both of us have lost maybe 10 pounds since we got together and even a small difference like that has made us both more confident with all that.

10-09-2012, 06:26 PM
This is a really interesting thread. I think that my weight has affected my self esteem more than anything, feeling scared of or nervous about sex. I'm nervous to say this because I don't want to give TMI but I am still a virgin even though a number of men have offered to have sex with me. I guess I have always declined because I haven't felt worthy of sex with them and also waiting for the right time. I feel nervous exposing myself to someone else when I feel unsure about myself. This is a catch twenty two because I hold onto the weight in some ways because I am afraid of the attention I will get once I lose the weight. I am nervous about the compliments, possibly more offers to have sex and possibly being taken advantage of, yet I really do want to find a great guy in my life.

Wow, thanks for this! :cool: I hope I didn't give TMI, just trying to be honest.

10-09-2012, 06:32 PM
the general consensus seems to be that when we are overweight we feel we dont "deserve" to have anyone be attracted to us and we dont "deserve" sexual intimacy. its so demented but i feel the same way.

10-09-2012, 07:42 PM
I am exactly the same way.
And its really hard because my husband is very sexually driven. But all I see when I look in the mirror is this "fat girl" that I dont want to be and that I dont like and I cant figure out in my head how he could possibly be attracted to this when I cant stand it. I used to be fine with sex whenever, now I find myself saying no a litlte more often and when we do have sex (which is still quite often), Im always trying to hold in my tummy, or praying he isnt looking at my thighs or when he rubs my back or wherever im always hoping he doesnt notice any rolls or whatever. I find it horrible. I cant wait to not feel so worried about everything.

10-09-2012, 10:30 PM
It's been difficult for me because my boyfriend met me when I was 30 lbs lighter than I am right now. I always ask (which I know I shouldn't) if he was more attracted to me before-dumb question I know! He still tells me Im just as beautiful as I was the day he met me. I definitely dont look the same. I don't really gain weight in my tummy just my lower half and it makes me soooo self concious. It's hard to enjoy being intimate when you're constantly concerned about how you appear to your partner. :(