Weight Loss Support - Mental Sabotage (unintentional) by husband




Dedicated2012
10-07-2012, 10:39 PM
OK, I love my husband but sometimes I wish he would be the type of person to look at me and make the "your fat" type comments...maybe that would help me keep my head about me with it......dont take this the wrong way...I feel bad for women who are put through that and men who do that are typically AS*holes, but today, he looks at me and says "wow, my wife is losing to much weight, your pants are baggy and falling off"...I have had those for 5 years and sometimes they fit and sometimes not...but it made me feel good that he finally noticed and made a point to say something...but of course that gets my head reeling that maybe I should stop losing ect....even though I know I need to lose 10-15 more pounds....how can I get my head to stop taking his (good) comments the wrong way.


heathermichigan
10-07-2012, 10:54 PM
Maybe just telling him what you just put in your post, that you want to lose X number more pounds before your journey is over. I find that men "hear" us best when we are direct. (I know my husband is supportive, but I do know what you mean--it's almost difficult having someone who loves you unconditionally but I wouldn't trade him for the world.)

My MIL told me last year that I was getting too skinny. LOL I was 20 pounds less than I am today, but FAR from my goal.

JohnP
10-07-2012, 10:56 PM
Us men ... we just can win ...

Mean comments BZZZZZZ WRONG

No comments BZZZZZ WRONG

Positive comments BZZZZZZ WRONG

All kidding aside as to your "issue" I would simply say that if such a comment is going to make your motivation waiver than your motivation isn't that strong to begin with. What is your goal? Why do you want to get there? Focusing on what is important to YOU is really what matters in my opinion in the context of fat loss.


kaplods
10-08-2012, 12:24 AM
I think the word "sabotage" is grossly overused, and is usually used as a cop-out - a way to make lack of success someone else's fault.

And in that regard, it's a perfect excuse because it can be applied to any behavior of our chosen scapegoat. If they insult us, they're sabotaging us. If they compliment us, they're sabotaging us.

And it's not just spouses that get the blame. Search back in some 3FC posts and you'll see folks blaming their doctors for "sabotaging" their weight loss by pushing them too strongly to lose weight, or for not pushing them enough.


When someone isn't as invested in your weight loss as you are, that isn't sabotage (intentional or otherwise).

I'd also bet my life savings (if I had a life savings) that if your husband even so much as implied "you're fat" that you would not find it in the least bit motivating. If you're a normal woman, you would feel hurt, devastated, crushed, and betrayed... not motivated.

And if you are a person motivated by hurtful and destructive comments, you have to ask why you're motivated by such masochism. Why do you need someone tearing you down, to feel worthy of building yourself up?

If you'll only lose weight to please others, or in response to harsh commentary, then you're not losing the weight for you, and if you'e not losing it for you, you might as well not bother. Life's too short to live to please and placate critics. Please yourself and you never have to worry about saboteurs, because no one can sabotage you without your permission AND cooperation.

linJber
10-08-2012, 01:00 AM
I'm totally lost has to how his compliment is sabotage. He commented that your pants were loose. How great that he noticed. (Congratulations.) I see it as encouragement. Just my humble opinion.

Lin

DisappearingActs
10-08-2012, 02:10 AM
I don't know, this morning my husband was watching me dress and he goes "You're TINY!" and that really motivated me. Compliments from him, even when he says "Your goal may be too low" is motivation to me, I just translate it as "You look great!" You should do the same.

And congratulations!

juliastl27
10-08-2012, 04:14 AM
i think it was just a compliment. as women we tend to over-interpret things, i dont think you should think any more about it. if he said "you're getting way TOO thin", maybe that would make you want to stop losing.

my boyfriend is pretty unobservant. if i tell him about my loss he'll congratulate me, but he never notices. one time i asked him if i looked more attractive and he said, "you look good....i dont know. you looked good before". i said, "do i look better now than i did a few months ago?" and he told me that it was a "loaded question" and he wasn't answering. i laughed and laughed as i realized how right he was.

men are pretty nervous when approaching women about weight. they feel like any comment can be interpreted any number of ways and they're actually right about that. cut him some slack, accept the compliment and move on.

Fatness
10-08-2012, 04:26 AM
Us men ... we just can win ...

Mean comments BZZZZZZ WRONG

No comments BZZZZZ WRONG

Positive comments BZZZZZZ WRONG

All kidding aside as to your "issue" I would simply say that if such a comment is going to make your motivation waiver than your motivation isn't that strong to begin with. What is your goal? Why do you want to get there? Focusing on what is important to YOU is really what matters in my opinion in the context of fat loss.


I agree even though you said you are kidding! lol


Men have a funny way of expressing themselves! However, my husband is different. He notice that i am losing weight, but he tells me how much i should lose and what I should eat. He watches everything I do from eating and how many times I go to the gym. The best thing to do is tell him how you feel; just like the other posters said! Expressing your self to him will make things a lot easier!

mountain walker
10-08-2012, 06:21 AM
As always Kaplods....nail on the head!
My husband is very supportive but has always known me fat. Now I am a bit less fat (but still very overweight) it is a change we BOTH have to get used to. I am not saying it's bad, in fact it's obviously mostly good, but it's still change and most of us, especially as we get older, find change difficult and threatening.
Having given up smoking at the same time as I started my healthy lifestyle he has seen the change in me and has asked for my help to lose weight.

Dedicated2012
10-08-2012, 09:44 AM
Sabotage isnt the right word, I do know that...I didnt know what to put there...I know he loves me no matter what...I am not by any means giving up and looking for an excuse or to blame anyone....I just mean that it makes me question my goals...I am not SMALL by any means but as was mentioned he has pretty much gotten used to me being a little bigger....so smaller is harder for him to comprehend I guess....I love that he notices I really do! I sure dont want him saying I am fat...I apologize for the misunderstanding of my post....I agree with what everyone has said...that is what makes me think that the meaning of my post was grossly misunderstood...sorry

seagirl
10-08-2012, 09:51 AM
Maybe just go buy some new pants and toss those. ;)

Dedicated2012
10-08-2012, 12:20 PM
seagirl- that's a great idea...think I'm gonna go through my closet again and donate the pants that are clearly to big.....I did tell my husband that I need to lose 10-15 lbs still and he just said"whatever you want"....gawd he is great!

Justwant2Bhealthy
10-08-2012, 06:39 PM
Us men ... we just can win ...

Mean comments BZZZZZZ WRONG

No comments BZZZZZ WRONG

Positive comments BZZZZZZ WRONG


:lol: Haha ... gee, I thought the same thing and I'm female! ;) The next thought was "who's sabotaging who?" Was that compliment really a sabotage, or did your mind just take it that way? I mean this in the sincerest way, really ... :hug:


I wish he would be the type of person to look at me and make the "your fat" type comments...

Uh, no you don't! No, you don't want your DH to be that kind of person, becuz trust me, I know from experience (from others; not my DH) -- that hurts and scars a person a whole lot more. There is no comparison really ...

So what to do? You have to make a committment to yourself, to do this for yourself, no matter what anyone says or does! This is about YOU; and this is for YOU, and YOU only! I don't call this "sabotage"; I call this an "excuse" to quit, and I mean that in the sincerest way ... :hug:

Haven't we all done this at one time or another? :yes: But, you CAN turn that kind of thinking around; work towards your goals; and succeed! Starting now ... and we'll all be cheering for you along the way ... :cheer2: