Weight Loss Support - Confidence.Coping.College. My life is a HOT MESS.




hopefortomorrow6520
10-07-2012, 02:15 AM
Hello everyone.. I am very new to 3FC. I would really like some advice and support, because I have none from my family or friends. You see, I am a freshman in college this year, and nothing has been how I had hoped. I'm not having a fun college experience. I have always been overweight, but when I came here... I became so aware that all of the girls are beautiful and almost all of them are thin. Unlike myself. I have tried so hard leading up to this to lose weight.. always telling myself that when college started I would be skinny and people would like me. I even joined the cross country team in an effort to lose weight. (Which I did!!! I shed close to 40 pounds in about 4 months.. but when the season ended.. I gained it all back... plus more:(..) There is nobody here that I can talk to because I don't really talk to that many people. I'm too afraid to meet new people because.. what would they want to do with me? I just hate how I feel.. and I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. Yes. There is a HUGE gym facility here because my school is a big sports school. But if I went there, people would laugh at me! I know they would! I just am feeling absolutely the lowest I ever have.. and it is so hard being at college alone and dealing with this and having nobody to talk to. :(


NoSuchUser
10-07-2012, 02:39 AM
I am so sorry you are not enjoying freshman year so far! :( There is still time to turn it around! I gained my freshman year because I suddenly had all of this access to junk... chick fil a on campus, sonic right across the street from my dorm, english muffins & butter in my mini fridge... I kept giant bags of Hershey's hugs at my desk and at them while I studied, rewarding myself. I went a little wild. I think it would have been possible for me to get in shape instead during my freshman year though, I just didn't take advantage of everything offered on my campus.

Since your school is sports focused, you probably have some good offerings in the cafeteria! I remember mine actually had a separate super healthy cafeteria in the student center that the athletes were required to eat at, but it was open to everyone. See if there is something like that!

I don't think people will laugh at you at the gym. What is there to laugh at? You have some extra Lbs. But they can't call you lazy, you're there at the gym! Being proactive about it! Start out slow there until you get comfortable, and soon you will feel like it's YOUR gym! Do they have a women's only floor or area? I always liked working out at my schools women's only facility because there wasn't so much of the social aspect/showing off. Girls were there strictly to work out, not flirt or stand around!

Get something cool for your dorm room (if you're in one) for while you study to keep you focused on health & not indulging in junk (you might not need this but I know I could have used it). Like maybe an immersion heater & flavored teas, my room mate had one, it was fun.

I had some lonely moments my freshman year too. I didn't know a single person when i got to school, but I did make friends, mainly in classes specific to my major (photography). I hope things get better for you!!

juliastl27
10-07-2012, 03:01 AM
i definitely feel you. when my weigh it up i dont want to even have a social life, i feel so self conscious. i also think im too fat to work out in a gym, as ridiculous as that sounds! have you thought about calorie counting? it seems to be the easiest and most sustainable option for me.

its NEVER too late! most of the people on here failed about a million times before they succeeded. how much are you hoping to lose and whats your plan at this point? you're still young so it wont be as hard as it might be later!


Atarimae
10-07-2012, 06:37 AM
I know exactly how you're feeling, so you're not alone! I've always been self-conscious at the gym, so I always chose to exercise in private. (The biggest issue with this is making sure you're accountable.) Maybe you could think of the hobbies you enjoy doing and join a club? Or you could borrow/rent/buy DVDs and do some workouts at home until you're confident enough to go to the gym?

twinieten
10-07-2012, 08:27 AM
Oh my gosh, all I can think is how much fun you're going to have when you get it off. Because I'm having a great time, but I'm married and in my 40s! I feel so good about myself, and I feel like I wasted too much time being fat and feeling bad about myself when I was young.

I feel bad that you aren't having a fun time at college. College is hard. It's a lot more difficult making friends than high school, and you really have to throw yourself out there and get involved in stuff to really get to know people.

So maybe in order to break out of your shell, do what the others suggested. Get involved in like minded activities. Is there a Weight Watchers group on your campus? Is there walking groups or academic clubs? Check out Meetup.com. If there's no group that appeals to you, maybe you can start one, and meet other young ladies at your school who are also interested in weight loss.

I know it's really hard juggling academics with work and exercise, but you have to try to get that physical activity back in to your life. You lost the weight before doing cross country. Where I went to college, we had "the mall". It was a large grassy area and you'd always find people running around it, jogging or walking their dogs. Is there anything like that where you are?

Don't let your size hold you back. Don't let the idea of people laughing at you stop you. They probably won't even pay any attention to you.

theox
10-07-2012, 09:53 AM
:hug:

College, especially first semester of freshman year, isn't necessarily fun. It's a big adjustment for most people. Just hang in there.

I definitely agree with the other posters that you should consider joining some sort of club, whether it's related to your major or is just something that you're interested in. You'll meet people in a group setting, so there probably won't be much pressure for you to talk if you don't want to. You don't have to be thin or say really profound things to make friends, you just have to put yourself out there and participate.

If you're not comfortable exercising yet, just focus on eating well. Calorie counting is pretty easy, and there are campuses that have Weight Watchers meetings or their own weight loss program that students can get involved in. Does your school have a dietician that's available to students? That might be worth checking out.

I think it's unlikely that people will laugh at you if you go to the gym. If they do, it's a reflection of their own immaturity and insecurities, not you - and that's not something that's worth staying unfit for. If you're just not comfortable enough at the gym to work out regularly, there are other ways to get exercise on campus. Just taking a brisk walk around campus for 30 or 45 or doing a fitness DVD in your room would be good (bonus: even just going for a brisk, 45 minute walk can help alleviate stress and unhappiness). Are there PE classes you can take? I took a couple 1 credit PE classes in things I was interested in when I was an undergrad - even though I was by far the heaviest, most unfit person in those classes, I still learned a lot, got some exercise, and met new people.

You can do this. :carrot: There are a lot of students on here, so there a lot of people who know where you're at and can give you support. Have you checked out the 20-Somethings board? There are usually a lot of college people on there. :)

Edit to add: If you're feeling depressed, please consider making an appointment with an on-campus counselor or at least tell your RA how you're feeling. You don't have to suffer in silence.

IsabellaOlivia
10-07-2012, 10:33 AM
There is this girl on Tumblr that has a blog about leading a healthy lifestyle while in college. She lost close to 100 pounds while in college. It has a lot of really good tips.

http://undressedskeleton.tumblr.com/Survivingschool

kelleyb
10-07-2012, 06:09 PM
I know it is/will be hard, BUT you really need to change your attitude and realize that, of course people will want to talk to you, hang out, be friends, etc. If you don't have friends, it is b/c you think you are not worthy of friends, but you are. You just have to realize it! Meeting people takes time, just get yourself out there. Join clubs or do activities that you enjoy and in no time you will make friends.

Pick a weight loss plan that you can live with and stay on these boards for support. Weight loss will come!

Heather
10-08-2012, 08:44 AM
I'm a college professor and talk to students like you all the time. You'll be surprised how many other people are nervous or anxious about being in college, but you'd never know it because they hide it!

Most colleges have some sort of counseling center that is free for students, you might want to go talk to someone there, because they may have some good information for you about how normal your experience is!

That said, I do think joining groups/clubs are good and structured ways of getting involved. And remember, lots of people are anxious, but hide it well!

threekidsandasheltie
10-08-2012, 10:32 AM
didnt want to read and not post, {{hugs}}

GyMila
10-08-2012, 01:00 PM
Hey there!
For me high school felt like that, I felt like I was going to be bullied for some reason (I never did), and just felt very uneasy with myself, my body, my life. I was not particularly big back then, by the way, just uncomfy in my body, my hair was not shiny, my breasts were too large, I had no fashion sense to speak off (still don't!). I was a hot mess and if I didn't like myself very much, how would others?

When i started college it was like a magical door opening itself up and suddenly there were all these people, all looking for new friends and most of them not-judgemental at all. I finished my undergrad 6 year ago now and my best friends are still mostly people I met in my freshman year!
But you need to be able to put yourself out there and talk to them, and I can totally see how being shy or feeling particularly bad about yourself would totally be in the way.

A few things:
1) your body does not define you. You are you at 500 pounds and at 110, and people will see that, if you let them in. You are honest (from your post), you are very cute (from your avatar), you are able to express yourself nicely... none of that has anything to do with your weight. I totally understand by the way, I also find it hard to feel confident with myself when I am at my highest weight, I feel like people look at me and think "there goes fatty", but I don't think that when I meet new people... so why would they? My best friend is pretty big but I love her because she is fun and loyal and hilarious and kind. Her size does not have anything to do with our friendship.

2) I totally second trying out clubs and societies. In my first year I joined everything and it was a hoot. I joined a lot of things I had never done before, and to be honest, I was no good at them (I joined climbing and belly dancing for example) but I met a ton of people who were also trying it for the first time and we had good laughs over how rubbish we were. And then I joined a few that were things I felt confident in (like choir, because I had done that before, and volunteering, because again I had some experience in it). Some of my closest friends today are from those clubs (very few are from my actual classes, heh). And a few were not for me, i went to debate club only to realise that English not being my first language, it was near impossible for me to participate and I joined the gospel choir and found the praying to jesus was not something i felt comfortable with, since I do not believe in him. So I stopped going and nobody judged me for that either. Uni is a time of trying out stuff, and trying out means finding things you love and finding stuff you hate.

3) I don't like going to the gym by myself either, and the first day i went back to gymnastics, after having stopped for several years and gaining a lot of weight I was mortified. I thought everyone will think "how is she planning on tumbling, that little elephant". But I don't think anybody thought that. And I am not the only one who is not in top form there. And I have fun, when i have fun, I forget about my size and I stop comparing myself to others. And I gain confidence when I am there, because yeah, I am not 100 pounds like some of them, but i freaking landed that jump, you know what I mean?
Nobody will judge you at the gym, and if you enjoyed running, go back to it. My best friend plays netball with me, she runs 10 k runs, **** I have even coached her in some beginners gymnastics. Yeah she is big but it doesn't keep her from doing things and I really love that in her.

4) You won't be superskinny by tomorrow, so I say have fun now, knowing that you are on your way to a healthier and more comfortable weight. Love yourself today, because you are awesome today, and in a few months, you will be just as awesome, but less heavy!

So, my advice is, sign up for some clubs, something you already know and like and maybe something new you always wanted to try, look in the mirror and find something you love (your hair? Your eyes?) and go into the world with your head up high. Most of those other freshman are also trying to make new friends, so maybe find someone else who looks the way you are feeling and talk to that person! You might find a great friend!

bigdeamer92
10-08-2012, 02:35 PM
I am also new to this site and know exactly how you feel!

I am in my 3rd year of college and feel as bad as myself as I did my first year. There are days where I don't even want to leave my room because I am embarrassed about how I look and how much I weigh.
I am finally doing something about it and doing it for me and myself only. The hard part to wrap your head around is that there are sooo many people around you and as hard as it is to believe not everyone is judging you, and if people are, then you shouldn't really want to be friends with them anyway.

The important thing is to be yourself, and become healthy for the right reasons, not just thinking because you will get skinny and all of your problems will be solved. Like others said, make friends with people in your classes and join clubs about things you are interested in, because those will be the people you will have the most in common with and make life long friends with!
:smug:

heathermichigan
10-08-2012, 09:15 PM
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

I needed to start with the hugs because your post made me relive my freshman year in college.
I felt exactly the same way--wasn't enjoying myself, felt like everyone was thin and beautiful, etc.
As someone who still regrets NOT trying harder to lose weight back then (lost 20 lbs and regained a couple years later), I am telling you that you will never regret giving it your all now to lose weight if that's what you want. I would hope that other students wouldn't be so ridiculous to laugh at someone who is trying to get healthy, but if they do, try to write them off as immature and do your thing, girl. You deserve to feel good about yourself and lose weight if that's what you want. Screw the haters! ;)
Try and find someone to work out with, even if you are on different fitness levels, just to have someone to go to the gym with. Sometimes just that support makes all the difference. You can do it!

LockItUp
10-08-2012, 09:51 PM
Girl, your weight has nothing to do with you as a person. You are assuming that other people are so shallow that they would base their idea of you solely on your weight. Ya, some people are total tools, but certainly not all of them! You go workout at that gym! Why would people laugh at you!? Isn't a gym FOR getting in better shape? At worst people will look at you and think "good for her" at best they won't notice you at all! I certainly pay no mind to other people at the gym unless they are one of those idiots that makes noises as if they are having a baby.

You are a person, first and foremost, a good person with a lot to offer. Your body and weight are just ONE aspect of your being. Give yourself, and other people, a little credit. You are the only one holding yourself back! Don't wait one more minute to start living this wonderful life you've been given! Start living and start taking care of yourself (physically, mentally, spiritually, the whole shebang!).

You CAN do this!

hopefortomorrow6520
10-10-2012, 01:27 AM
:( All of you are so kind... I am trying my best to be involved. Marching band, choir, yearbook committee, drama, keeping up my grades, how can I fit in working out? I know it sounds like an excuse.. but as I'm sure many of you know, being a college student is so time consuming in itself. None of my friends that I have here need to work out. They're those lucky ones. Ha. I am absolutely terrified of going home for the first time, because I've been eating the horrible cafeteria foods every day... pizza, pasta, sandwiches.. grilled cheese.. unlimited meal plan. Unlimited ice cream machine. I didn't even bring my scale with me to college.. and now I'm so scared of going home on the 19th and pulling it out of my closet. I don't want to admit my weight to myself. I especially don't want to admit it to anyone else. Why do I not have a ticker? Or a current weight listed? I am afraid of being judged!! Which is ridiculous, considering the amount of support I have already received. I am so ashamed.

My doctor had my blood tested before I left for school for various reasons, and I just found out that my blood sugars are so high I should be medicated for it. I have a family risk of heart disease and other cardiac related problems. I hate the way that I look in the mirror, I hate the way that I feel, I hate climbing to the third floor of my dorm every day, but WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?? Everyone says, "If you want it bad enough, you'll do something about it." You have no idea how badly I want to be thin. It consumes my life. But I can't do anything about it, no matter how hard I try. It seems so hopeless.

I am now afraid for my own health.. as well as everything else on my plate. I don't know what to do. :(

twinieten
10-10-2012, 02:12 AM
:( All of you are so kind... I am trying my best to be involved. Marching band, choir, yearbook committee, drama, keeping up my grades, how can I fit in working out? I know it sounds like an excuse.. but as I'm sure many of you know, being a college student is so time consuming in itself. It's true. College itself is time consuming. I guess you need to pick your priorities and tailor your activities accordingly. I realize working out with a work and school schedule is rough. I haven't exercised in two weeks and I'm only taking one class. But this is how I've had to prioritize due to preparing for exams, working and getting ready for my trip. You do what you gotta' do. I'll get back to my routine next week. You have to figure something out, and then stick with it. Change your eating or change your activity level.... and even better, change both. It doesn't have to be huge. Just make smarter choices.


My doctor had my blood tested before I left for school for various reasons, and I just found out that my blood sugars are so high I should be medicated for it. I have a family risk of heart disease and other cardiac related problems. I hate the way that I look in the mirror, I hate the way that I feel, I hate climbing to the third floor of my dorm every day, but WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?? Everyone says, "If you want it bad enough, you'll do something about it." You have no idea how badly I want to be thin. It consumes my life. But I can't do anything about it, no matter how hard I try. It seems so hopeless.:([

Have you considered depression? It's a nasty beast that will hold you back even though you know you want to move forward. You can fix that. Have you had your thyroid hormones checked?

It's true, though! You have to want it bad enough. Complain all you want, but until you get up and move, and think about what your'e eating, nothing's going to change. Believe me, I've been there! Two years ago, I was sitting at rock bottom, and this is after how many years of complaining and fretting about my weight and not doing anything more than getting bigger? Seriously! I'd work out, not feel a difference in my clothes, and get depressed and eat a bag of donuts. Finally, I just started. And it's been hard, but wonderful!

If you need meds for your blood sugar, take them! They will help with the weight loss! My blood sugar got high, and my doctor recommended i try them because it could help me lose weight. I took them for a couple of months and I think they helped.

You can do it! Don't let yourself stay feeling this way when you can change it!

juliastl27
10-10-2012, 02:18 AM
My doctor had my blood tested before I left for school for various reasons, and I just found out that my blood sugars are so high I should be medicated for it. I have a family risk of heart disease and other cardiac related problems. I hate the way that I look in the mirror, I hate the way that I feel, I hate climbing to the third floor of my dorm every day, but WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?? Everyone says, "If you want it bad enough, you'll do something about it." You have no idea how badly I want to be thin. It consumes my life. But I can't do anything about it, no matter how hard I try. It seems so hopeless.

I am now afraid for my own health.. as well as everything else on my plate. I don't know what to do. :(

it sounds like you have some real health concerns! you CAN do something about it! the problem is that it takes time. i totally understand that the road seems impossibly long and difficult, and it is long and difficult, but not impossible.! luckily there are victories along the way. you wont feel the same in 25 lbs as you do now. even though you may still have a LOT to lose, you'll feel better about yourself because you're doing it. you'll notice changes in your body. you're not going to be miserable from now until 150. also, if you're eating as bad as you're making it sound like, you will feel physically better as well.

i KNOW how you feel. i know that all the things stephanie (LockItUp) said are true, but i also feel like people only think of me and make all their judgments based on my weight. i lost 70 lbs a couple years ago and it was about a year long journey. i was SO proud of myself and felt great, i was like a different person.

i got a stone in my eye around december (gross right? i didnt even know it was possible) and also quit smoking (for 3 months). the stone gave me horrible infections in my eye socket and i was in and out of the hospital, on and off meds, and NOT paying attention to what i ate. it was the not paying attention that did it, not the medical stuff or quitting smoking.. those were just the distractions that made me not be as focused as i should have. i gained 40 lbs in about 6 months. all in all i put back on 55. i couldnt BELIEVE i found myself almost right back where id started. for a long time i did what you're doing, i felt too overwhelmed and like i couldnt possibly start on the road again.

one day in august i decided enough was enough. if i dont get this under control im going to be at some maybe even significantly higher weight in another year. im only 31! life isnt over! i KNOW its going to be hard again. i KNOW its going to be frustrating and long and im not going to feel like its worth it sometimes.

i also know that there will be times when i get to throw away a pair of jeans that are too big for me. someday ill see 1-7 at the beginning of my weight, and 1-6. those victories will keep me on track. at first it felt worthless because i figured that if id gained back once id probably just do it again, but now i realize that ill be STRONGER this time. ill know that i cant be lax even just for a few months. ill know that weight can come back seriously fast and ill have twice as much experience behind me.

i can do it, and YOU CAN DO IT! itll be slow and painful, but there will be things that keep you going. this site is full of women who can actually relate to every single thing youll go through. they will support, encourage and commiserate. there are women who have lost literally hundreds of lbs.

you can succeed. post often and ask people for advice with your plan. decide now to NEVER GIVE UP.

so take a deep breath and realize that you have every medical reason in the book to do it, and you clearly have plenty of your own emotional/self esteem issues to work through regarding weight. dont look at the big picture, its too overwhelming. go buy a scale, get honest with yourself about your weight and set a goal to lose 10 lbs. just ten, or five, pick a small number and dont think ahead of that. after that set your goal to another 5 or 10. before you know it you'll be right on track!

XLMuffnTop
10-10-2012, 10:42 AM
First off, breathe. You're thinking about every problem you think you have and rolling it up into one big chaotic mess! No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed!

So you're having a hard time adjusting to college? That's really very natural. Do not neglect the resources that are available to you. Most universities have student life, advisors, counselors any number or people designed to help you. Did you take freshman orientation? Did they reference these people or offices? The clubs and groups you're in will start to become more like a second family, especially marching band. A lot of people are shy and take some time to get warmed up. I've been in class this semester 6 weeks now and I just spoke to another person in my statistics class. :) It's OK.

Next, everyone will NOT laugh at you for doing (fill in the blank). People are very self absorbed and most of the time don't even realize what's going on around them or they're sitting there thinking "Everyone's laughing at me!", even the thin girls.

Now, I never lived in a dorm so I'm not exactly sure how that whole system works but surely they have healthy options. Can you get a to-go box or do you have to eat it there? If so, maybe you go in with a resolution to have grilled chicken and veggies and a modest dessert, or a nice healthy salad or any number of things and get it to go so you're not sitting there contemplating going back for more than you need just because it's there. You also can't second guess you're choices and talk yourself into getting something different and less healthy. However, if you have someone you're eating with, be sure to talk plenty and drink water throughout your meal and it'll cause you to eat slower and feel fuller.

Regarding time for working out, it may not be feasible this semester, but next, see about getting text books on ereaders. Then you can prop them up on your treadmill or elliptical and read while you work out. It's not the most comfortable but if you seriously have NO time... make it work. Do you find yourself watching TV for 30 minute blocks? Give up one show and go for a walk or bike ride around your campus. You don't HAVE to go to the gym just move.

College is a rough transition but trudge through and it does get better. Don't give up because it's a lot harder to do it later. I'm 29 with two kids, full time job and going to school part time. I wish I had used my campus offices to work through my issues when I had the chance the first time. Live and learn!

theox
10-10-2012, 06:55 PM
:( All of you are so kind... I am trying my best to be involved. Marching band, choir, yearbook committee, drama, keeping up my grades, how can I fit in working out? I know it sounds like an excuse.. but as I'm sure many of you know, being a college student is so time consuming in itself.

Like another poster said, decide what's important to you and prioritize. Very few people can "do it all" (and a lot of the ones that do are incredibly brilliant and/or extremely self-disciplined and/or taking "shortcuts" that may eventually trip them up and/or liars and/or abusing drugs. Seriously.). Being a college student is time-consuming, which is why it's important to decide how much each of your classes and your other activities and obligations are worth to you. What are the costs and benefits of everything? For instance, exercising takes time, can be uncomfortable, and can make you feel self-conscious, but moderate exercise is also known to help a variety of physical and mental problems and boost positive feelings and one's ability to focus. How do the costs and the benefits stack up? The relative value of various activities may change over time too, and that's natural.

Are you currently in the marching band? If so, then that's giving you some physical activity, right? What about the other activities - if you're currently in all of those, that's a lot of socialization opportunities right there.

None of my friends that I have here need to work out. They're those lucky ones.

Maybe. Or maybe they eat more healthily than you do or are naturally more active. Maybe they have high metabolisms, and will gain weight and develop health problems as their metabolism slows if they don't change their habits. Who can really say?

I am absolutely terrified of going home for the first time, because I've been eating the horrible cafeteria foods every day... pizza, pasta, sandwiches.. grilled cheese.. unlimited meal plan. Unlimited ice cream machine. I didn't even bring my scale with me to college.. and now I'm so scared of going home on the 19th and pulling it out of my closet. I don't want to admit my weight to myself. I especially don't want to admit it to anyone else. Why do I not have a ticker? Or a current weight listed? I am afraid of being judged!! Which is ridiculous, considering the amount of support I have already received. I am so ashamed.

Why are you ashamed?

A lot of people run into problems with cafeteria food. It can be tough to handle, but I think it is possible to handle the lure of dorm food with time and a lot of practice.

I know it can be hard to admit when we've done things we think or know we shouldn't have. However, in my experience, the sooner people acknowledge that what they are doing isn't working in their favor, the sooner they can move on to finding more effective behaviors. Bringing that scale back to school with you and taking your weight every morning may be one of the best things you can do for yourself, because weighing in is a tool that helps us see the effects of our actions (there are limits, though, so don't get too tied up in scale numbers). You don't have to share the number with anybody, it's just a way for you to keep track of how you're doing.

My doctor had my blood tested before I left for school for various reasons, and I just found out that my blood sugars are so high I should be medicated for it. I have a family risk of heart disease and other cardiac related problems. I hate the way that I look in the mirror, I hate the way that I feel, I hate climbing to the third floor of my dorm every day, but WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?? Everyone says, "If you want it bad enough, you'll do something about it." You have no idea how badly I want to be thin. It consumes my life. But I can't do anything about it, no matter how hard I try. It seems so hopeless.

I am now afraid for my own health.. as well as everything else on my plate. I don't know what to do. :(

Are you going to take medication for your blood sugar issue? That seems like a really important thing to get under control.

Like XLMuffnTop said, it sounds like you're letting a bunch of separate, although related, issues run together in your head and freak you out. Things might seem more manageable if you disentangle them and plan how you're going to address each one. Blood sugar problem is one issue. Heart health is one issue. Obesity is one issue. Mental health is one issue. These problems may have a lot of the same solutions, but they are still separate things.

Speaking of mental health, have you seen any sort of counselor or shrink recently? Whether you just need to talk to somebody and get some help in reframing your mental pictures or have a neurobiological condition that is affecting your ability to function, seeing a specialist could help you feel better and make it easier for you to make good health decisions. Mental health and physical health go together.

FWIW, I think the "if you want it bad enough, you'll do something about it" spiel is almost pure horse hockey. Yes, people generally have to have some impetus to act, but desire alone isn't enough, as you well know. People also need the right knowledge, right tools, and effective support. Even though I certainly wanted to lose weight, I couldn't lose it and keep it off until I was diagnosed and treated for ADHD. I didn't have the knowledge or tools I needed to be able to focus and balance the various parts of life to build healthier habits. Try to figure out what you need to be successful, and take what you have and try to build on it. You don't have to start big, be perfect, or be able to keep the same level of commitment at all times. You just have to keep at it. And be sure to give yourself credit for all the things you do that are good for you, such as walking up and down the stairs to your room (even if you don't have a choice - it's still exercise). Look for the good in yourself.

A couple book recommendations for you (because I know you have so much time for leisure reading ;)):

Feeling Good by David Burns, MD
The Beck Diet Solution by Judith Beck, Ph.D.

The first book deals with depression, the second book is an approach to dieting (but not a specific plan). Both approach their subjects from a cognitive behavioral therapy viewpoint and are intended for a general audience. I would recommend starting with Feeling Good.