100 lb. Club - getting angry
04-17-2003, 10:11 AM
Its strange, but my level of anger directed at myself has increased as I lost more and more weight. When I was morbidly obese, I was saddened at my size but not angry. Now, when I look at myself in the mirror I get mad that I am not smaller than I am. It might not be a healthy way of dealing with weight loss, but I guess it is keeping me motivated.
I just went and bought a bunch of size 44 dress clothes (for work). I am sick of wearing size 48 and 50 pants that cinch up when wearing a belt. While I can get them on, they are not "wearable" yet.
Hey, I'm the same way! When I first started trying to eat better and exercise, I was like, "I don't look that bad." Now I'm like, how did I get to be so huge? Where did all these rolls come from? It's so weird; I don't understand it. I guess maybe I just expected too much when I started . . . like I'd look like Sandra Bullock by now :lol:
04-17-2003, 10:37 AM
Matt-----anger is a terrific motivator. I've always found my sucesses to come when I look in the mirror and get angry about myself.
And I'm glad to see that buying smaller sizes is a thrill for the gentlemen, too. :)
04-17-2003, 12:06 PM
It makes sense, Matt because it's constantly on our minds now and we want it to happen faster.
Buying new clothes in the middle of weight loss is good for me because I don't want to feel like I'm in this forever transition time.
You're going to look great in those new work clothes. Enjoy what you've accomplished!
04-17-2003, 08:00 PM
i feel the same. i think i'm more disgusted with my body now than i was before. i had kinda resigned to being my big size, but now that i'm not going to tolerate it, i can't seem to lose weight fast enough.
i don't get mad though. i get depressed. gotta work on that.
04-18-2003, 12:30 AM
Hey..... it's all good.... it seems as though everyone feels the same way... even me.... I get into this hole or something, I get so upset that I even let myself get so huge.... and I find myself wondering why I want to live the rest of my life on a diet, or if I"ll ever get to eat fat food again, but then I think about it, and it repulses me to even think about McDonald's or Burger King. So yeah, it's probably normal, but when I think like that, I just don't do anything about, I don't let myself dwell on it, I just go on dieting like I should, and I come on here a lot, which is where I get most of my motivation. Ok, so I would say YOU GO GIRL, but that wouldn't be very appropriate, so GO ON WIT YO BAD SELF!!!!!!!!!! We're bad, We're hot, and someday I WILL wear a sports bra (and only a sports bra) when I run... hehe "Head up young person" hehe :)
04-18-2003, 12:35 AM
I know exactly what you mean. Last night I was in a dressing room while my daughter tried on clothes and I caught a glimpse of myself in those lovely dressing room mirrors :cry: . I was so upset that I've lost 84 pounds already and I still look this bad!!
When I was at 330, I knew I was fat, but I didn't think about it much and I honestly didn't realize how bad it was. I wore pants with elastic waists and didn't pay too much attention.
Now I spend so much of my time focusing on my weight and how much I work out and how much I can eat, so I think I really really realize how out of control my weight has been, whereas before I just ignored it.
You're putting your anger to use though and that's great!! You're making great progress and should really be proud of yourself.
04-18-2003, 08:03 AM
oh geez..l why do you folks keep bringing up such HARD topics??? but these are the really important ones.
a wise woman i once knew said that very overweight people are disconnected from their bodies., and once they connect, THEY CAN'T STAND IT!!!!!!
I think she's right. when i weighed 450-500 pounds, i had absolutely no concept of where i began and ended., no sense of what i looked like.
and now that i've lost more than half of my body weight, i feel enormous, even though i have these collar bones sticking out and i can see all the bones in my hand, feet, knees, and i fit in chairs and people view me as 'normal.'
wish i could fix this for all of us. wish penny were around.. she had lots of wisdom about how we perceive our size...
04-18-2003, 08:25 AM
Yep, I'm hardly even into this whole life style change thing. I guess I started in mid February. I'm seeing myself doing the same thing - before I started this whole process, I just pretty much ignored what I looked like. Now I stare at myself in the mirror, looking for new muscles, flexing the ones I've got, searching for definition. I look to see if this bulge is smaller, or that one doesn't pooch out *quite* as much... I'm not so much angry yet as frustrated. Frustrated with myself for allowing so much time to pass before I realized I have a GOOD body. Frustrated that I didn't start this years and years ago. And of course impatient. It *seems* like the weight goes on so much faster than it comes off. And even though I'm starting to slowly fit into clothes that I haven't worn in years, it's not fast enough.
But then too, like Ruth mentioned in her journal, all mixed in with this growing pride in my body, this thrill of seeing myself develop - there is fear. And I get frustrated with that, too! :lol:
04-18-2003, 08:30 AM
jiffy, I think you nailed it. I think when I allow myself to not be on plan and then of course start gaining weight - I am very disconnected. I totally close my eyes to it. It's only when I face it, that I get upset. And with upset, comes some motivation and action. Sometimes I wonder why I let myself disconnet time and time again. maybe it's easier than the hard work and dedication it takes to lose the weight.
Matt - I am so very proud of what you have done so far. You'll be styling in those 44's in no time!! :D
Yes, Jiffypop is right. I remember being totally disconnected with my body before I lost weight. I used to look at myself only from the neck up, so I never had a good sense of just how big I was. I couldn't face it until I was ready to let go of the weight.
04-18-2003, 11:20 AM
I think that is it completely. Before I had no real conception of how large I had become. As a defense mechanism we must be programmed to view ourselves in a particular way that distorts reality. As we shed pounds, that defense mechanism sheds as well. When then can see ourselves in a true light, and are often angry at it. I'm glad that I hate my body now, because I am doing something to change that.
04-18-2003, 12:05 PM
I think hating one's body is kind of strong words. I do sometimes wish I could walk around with a B4 picture taped to my back! LOL! I have alot of work to do and I get extremely frustrated with all my healthy habits I am when push comes to shove a fat girl. But I also know this is a transient state and I am focusing on my future vision. Plus I have the miracle of seeing the changes in my body. My beautiful calf muscles, the rise in my pecs, my solid bicep. I am that catepillar waiting to transform into a butterfly.
04-18-2003, 06:56 PM
I think this is why so many ppl never diet until they see themselves in a photo. I know I had know idea untill I saw myself and couldn't believe this is what I had allowed myself to become. In before and after stories so many ppl write about not realizing they were that big untill they saw a picture.
Don't get mad get even! That's my motto and with every pound that bites the dust I'm getting closer and closer to goal.
04-18-2003, 07:49 PM
oh dear. so here's my dilemma, and question for us all. we seem to agree that we're disconnected from our physical self, and some [most? all? i'm raising my hand here!] often zone out while eating [ever watch someone eat popcorn mechanically? the hand goes into the bowl or bag or into the mouth, and you can't interrupt the flow].
and then we generate this self hate which gets us going., WHY OH WHY CAN'T WE DO THIS OUT OF SELF LOVE/????????
04-19-2003, 10:33 AM
Hmmmm.....Jiff....you made me think....how much of our self-hate keeps us in our vicious cycles of lose/gain/lose/gain? I do agree that self-hate can be a motivator, but when turn from motivating ("I'm such a gross pig and I deserve better") to destructive ("I'm such a gross pig and I DON'T deserve better")?
I would be willing to be that many of our very personal reasons for weight loss - reasons that we probably don't even share here - are due to a hurt or a slight that made us hate our bodies. I know that my very first successful (well, successful because I actually reached my goal weight, though I didn't keep it off) WL journey began when a remark from my husband (who has since apologized) made me feel like the ugliest, most disgusting woman who ever walked the face of the Earth.
Now that you've mentioned it, Jiffy, I would like to throw out the reasons like "ugly" and "disgusting" and "pig" and "fat cow"....My new all-encompassing reason is this: I am such a beautiful girl, and I deserve to be healthy.
Thanks for making me think.
04-19-2003, 12:15 PM
For me, when i mention "hate" it is hating what i look like, not hating myself. You are more than your physical body, you have thoughts, feelings, and a personality that is not measured by your physicality. I still like the person that I am while absolutely hating what i look like.
That is what keeps me motivated.
04-19-2003, 07:07 PM
Wow, this thread is really deep!
I definitely struggle with self-hate (the full blown kind, not just my body), but it is getting better as I am just now beginning to lose weight. (I've lost 14 pounds!!! I still can't believe it) :cloud9:
Loving oneself is not really a feeling, I think it's action. And we're all taking action to love ourselves by getting healthier and starting to live the lives we always dream of.
We are all created with a unique and special gift that no one else on earth can duplicate. . .and I just thank you all for all the positive remarks on this board, we never know how much they are helping people we don't even know!