How do I ask my partner for help? - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

carbstart · 09-25-2012, 08:55 PM

I previously had lost nearly 20 lbs 3 months ago and have put on 12 since. Pretty spectacularly awful but not surprising given the way my partner and I eat. Before I wanted him to eat healthy too because he has a weight problem as well. Through the forums I've come to realize that I don't have any control nor should I over his eating. However, I'd like to have a frank talk about him helping me eat better by supporting my eating habits and picking restaurants that have healthy options for me. Also, I'd like him to stop requesting things like blue cheese bacon burgers for dinner! Any suggestions on how to broach the topic and reach my stubborn mule of a partner so he'll realize how important this goal is to me?

joefla70 · 09-25-2012, 09:53 PM

My wife and I are doing it together. Frankly, I'm not sure that either one would be able to do it on our own. The mutual support is very helpful, not to mention that we're on the same meal plan so there is no issue with cooking different meals, etc. I'm sure will be supportive of you. The only thing I'm not sure about is how he will react to the suggestion that he needs to get on board and stop ordering blue cheese bacon burgers. He might "yes" you to make you happy, but then not really change his eating habits. I've done that many, many times before. The thing is that HE has to be ready to do it before it will work for him. The question is: is he ready to make that commitment to himself?

Arctic Mama · 09-25-2012, 10:21 PM

It is generally a bad idea to do these things together if both folks aren't complete on board. Much better to be responsible for your own intake and choices and not judge or influence his, honestly. How would you feel if the situation were reversed and you weren't wanting to eat what he was, it he kept pushing it?

It is absolutely doable alone, even with small children to cook for, too! Just make your choices for you and ignore any food that isn't 'yours'. The more you do it, the easier it is.

carbstart · 09-25-2012, 10:47 PM

I think I may have phrased the bacon burger comment incorrectly. I meant he wants me to cook him that for dinner.

Arctic Mama · 09-25-2012, 11:36 PM

Well again, I cook for my husband and kids too, and they don't eat what I do. A hot dog or lasagna isn't on my plan, and that's just life. Even if I love the food, sometimes you just have to say no. Being supportive of your diet doesn't necessarily mean doing it with you. Yes, you could ask him to make his own food if it doesn't fit your diet, but the greater issue isn't what HE is eating, it dealing with your own temptation and saying no to something that looks delicious but isn't on plan.

If he isn't amenable to eating the same things as you, and it isn't realistic to have him cook just for himself, then the only other solution is to take your own diet upon yourself, without him, and just practice your self control by saying it isn't for you, or you can have some later but not right now. (Like my husband can cook for himself, but after a very long day at work it is unloving of me to ask him to stand in the kitchen cooking, simply because I'm not wanting to deal with his food. Thus, I cook for him because it's my responsibility to do it for the family, and I just work my own plan accordingly, without inconveniencing him.),

It isn't a good choice in most relationships to push an issue you two aren't in agreement on, already. That can breed a lot of resentment from the party being pushed, at best, and at worse can feel like an attack on their habits and choices. YOU'RE on a diet, not him. Therefore YOUR choices might not be his, and they don't have to be. It can be hard, I know! But learning to deal with this is such a great skill to practice, especially when you get in pressure situations like family meals or potlucks, where sticking up for your plan when no one else will is necessary to succeed.

joefla70 · 09-25-2012, 11:52 PM

Yes, its not a good idea to push. But if her husband has a weight problem too, I think its perfectly fine for her to broach the subject with him by saying "honey, I really need to do something about my weight. This is what I am going to do. Its going to be really tough. Would you like to do it with me?" Honestly, If he shows no interest, then I'd be a little worried that he is not taking his health seriously.

Sinoia · 09-26-2012, 12:39 AM

I think the only thing you can do is talk honestly and openly to him about how you feel and express your fears, hopes and intentions. Tell him you want to do this with him.

He is your partner, the person with whom you share your life and your future. Talk to him like you would talk to yourself in a mirror.

You may get a positive reaction and if you do not then you always have yourself in the mirror to reinforce you.

TurboMammoth · 09-26-2012, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carbstart

I think I may have phrased the bacon burger comment incorrectly. I meant he wants me to cook him that for dinner.

I disagree with Artic_Mama on this one. I am the one who is cooking the week nights meals at our place (he cooks on the weekend) and if I'm the one cooking, the boyfriend is going to eat what I'm cooking or cook something for himself.

I have to admit that I am lucky because he lost weight with me and is onboard with the healthy diet now. But if there is something that I want to cook and he's not feeling like eating eat, he knows he can cook something for himself like a big grown up man. He always end up eating the same thing as me though, to save himself the trouble

For the bacon blue cheese burger thing though, you could work it out by still eating burger, but letting him do the bacon blue cheese stuff himself (like.. bacon is not hard to cook, he can do this!), and you could have instead a chicken burger on a english muffin bread for exemple.

We do that a lot with pizza too. The boyfriend will put more cheese and meat on his half while my half will be a diet version

dstalksalot · 09-26-2012, 10:55 AM

You can always make adjustment to your menus and still cook for your hub. Turkey burger on a thin bun is an example. Chances are if you made him a turkey burger too he may not even notice.

LockItUp · 09-26-2012, 10:58 AM

If his food requests, and you are the one that has to cook it, puts your own plan at risk due to temptation, ask him to cook it himself -- I think that's fair.

Some people are really strong and can cook things for others that do look good to them, and they can resist. If you can't, I don't see anything wrong with simply telling him it makes it hard for you to stay on plan and for now if he could cook his own <whatever> on the nights he wants that stuff.

Just make the convo about YOU. All you have to say is that it makes it hard for you to stay on plan, and not make it about him at all. Chances are, after a while, either he will come around, or it won't bother you as much. It can be incredibly hard to have tempting food around towards the beginging of a start/restart.

1spunkygal · 09-26-2012, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sinoia

I think the only thing you can do is talk honestly and openly to him about how you feel and express your fears, hopes and intentions. Tell him you want to do this with him.

He is your partner, the person with whom you share your life and your future. Talk to him like you would talk to yourself in a mirror.

You may get a positive reaction and if you do not then you always have yourself in the mirror to reinforce you.

I AGREE 100 % Open & Honest short sweet to the point .

bargoo · 09-26-2012, 11:16 AM

Of course he can have a blue cheese bacon burger, of course you can cook it for him, But you don't have to make two.I eat burgers all the time and I cook them myself. My burgers do not include a bun, it saves a lot of calories, yes you can eat a burger with a fork.I even keep a fork in my purse in case I accidently end up in a fast food restaurant.