Weight Loss Support - Question? sounds silly but still I was wondering.




gigglez
04-13-2003, 12:29 AM
I have had a question in the back of my head for ages that I have been pondering about. When I first married dh a little over 2 yrs ago I was 16lbs smaller. Recently I was 28lbs larger than when we got married. Some on the weight gain was as a result of meds that I was on last year and some of it was totally my fault. I have noticed that now dh doesn't even look at me, nor has any interest in me whatsoever. I guess basically I was wondering if I am the only one out there that is facing this problem? Not really trying to pry into peoples lives, just wondering if I am crazy or what.


sandy


cobbletts
04-13-2003, 12:48 AM
dont think your CRAZY at all........

My hubby hasnt looked at me, since He saw me with my clothes off on our wedding night...

I was 150 lbs..... then, and Losing.... with just a slightly pouchy belly... not really that bad at all...
Now I am over 200 lbs., a Miserable person to live with...at times, and I bet he would love to see me at 150... probably even make mad passionate love to me then... LOL, I have to beg now..........

So NO>>>> I dont think your crazy........ They are MEN after all... and for some funny reason they all too often seem to think it's better in the pasture next door..........
:(

I am sure that my husband will be delighted with me when I get below 150, he compared me to Miss Piggy, and himself to Batman, before we got married... (*gee did I miss that one or what)...
But I have told him all along, he would not stay thin forever, and since he began driving truck over 4 years ago.... he has gained weight around his middle, and has a pooch on him... so that he needs to work off a few pounds now... and I am sure the shoe will be on the other foot before the year is over....

NOT>>> To say I dont love My H.... I do, just dont like his attitude towards women, and Me...of course...

Oh, and did I say......... YOUR NOT CRAZY><>>>> LOL,

loranden
04-13-2003, 02:24 AM
Now you all know why I never got married:p

What is it with guys with beer guts and who knows what else that want us women to be perfect or there will be no "making whoopee"? :mad: Geez.

It's a shame these poor women blame themselves, and sweetie, remember, it is not you. I actually dated a jaybird one time that had the temerity to say he'd marry me if I got down to a size 9. Needless to say, he got shown the front door.

I have two rules for someone to be with me:

A. Love me as I am, or there is the door. Don't let it hit you where the Good Lord split you.

B. Love me, love my cats. Tigger and Noah will always win.:lol:


Suzanne 3FC
04-13-2003, 03:29 AM
I'm with you, loranden! I have never, and will never get married. This could easily become a proper male bashing thread, lol, but I guess we should take it easy, for the sake of the gentlemen on our forum.

It's so hard to tell what is going on in someone's mind, even if it is someone you have lived with for the last 2 years. We never stop growing and changing. Neither of you are the exact same people you were 2 years ago. Hopefully, you have grown together and your interests are still the same. However, there could be other reasons for any distance between you now. It may not be as simple as him not appreciating your weight gain. Maybe he senses that you are uncomfortable with your body, and he's afraid to get close. Maybe he's under stress from something else. Maybe he is having personal issues of his own that he's afraid or embarassed to tell you about.

Of course there ARE a lot of men that won't have anything to do with their wives when they gain weight, or become selfish and demand they lose it.

At the opposite end of the spectrum are the men that never tell the truth when the woman asks "Do you think I should lose weight" or "Does my size bother you". They smile sweetly and pretend that everything is rosy, out of fear of hurting her feelings. There is nothing wrong with saying "I think you looked healthier and happier when you were 30 pounds thinner"


I think a lot of men just have problems looking at the bigger picture. I once heard a quote that I found very valuable. While it is not about being overweight, it can be applied in the same way.

"I learned that I was beautiful when I got breast cancer at 47 and lost both of my breasts . . . and my life partner has [helped] me come to understand that beauty and femininity and sexuality have nothing to do with body parts."
Linda Ellerbee from the I Am Beautiful documentary

flower
04-13-2003, 06:52 AM
I am sorry you guys. (gals) I am having wonderful sex. We have been together over 6 years. It gets better with time. He still loves to watch me dress and undress. He has loved me and sex from 150-220 pounds. Pregnant, not pregnant. The other day I got a survey question and it asked what would hubby say his favorite part of you was...I was sure he was gonna say my breasts, but he said it was my mind. He said he could never be attracted to a stupid woman... I know the better I feel about myself, the better our sex is. I think the better he feels about himself the better our sex is too. It has nothing to do with the scale. All about self worth. My experience anyways...

I am sorry this has happened to you.

jiffypop
04-13-2003, 08:51 AM
this is such a sad, and very real issue, but it's not just the weight. it might not be the weight at all!!!! there's a man who's drifted in and out of my life for 20 years or so. he met me when i was thin, and has seen me i was more than 400 pounds. and i was always his 'beautiful one.' but there were a whole lot of other issues that got in the way of us making a go of it.

i have a friend, a beautiful, thin woman. and believe me, she IS gorgeous [she also works at it]. and her husband ignored her and had no interest in making the marriage work. so, she decided to get breast implants to make herself more attractive, and when her youngest was a little older, to leave her husband and find another man.

well, since the implants, he's now agreed to go to counseling to save the marriage!!!

men are just too strange for me to take seriously most of the time.

gigglez
04-13-2003, 09:00 AM
Thanks, everyone for telling me that I am not crazy. Suzanne, I have thought often if there were other issues that he has been dealing with as of late. Each and every time I come up with the same answers. First of all there is his job(construction)he knows that it is weather related and has been aware of this every since he started in that profession over 2o yrs ago, one would have thought by now he would have learned to deal with that. Then there is the fact that I had to have a complete hyst over 2 months ago and that I figured to be a problem but I have found out that it isn't. In fact I was told that now maybe that you are not in constant pain you might be able to go workout like you use to. I looked at him and told him that if he had to live the past year with his family jewels in a vice and someone was putting constant pressure on them he would not feel like moving. Of course there is the male change of life and for about 8 months I thought that it was that but actions and words I believed to prove me wrong. However, I have came to terms with the way things are and have decieded that it was indeed his lost. Flower, hubby here is one of those that always thinks that all the people around him are uneducated. Where we live at people are very simple in their ways. Many are thankful that they have enough of what they need to live and raise their families. There are many here that adopt ways of their ancestors be it from speech to lifestyle and that he was a hard time dealing with and accepting. I even thought that could possiablly be part of his problem. Out of his element. He has lived in a city most of his life and well, here we are far from any sort of city life. Ok, I guess that I have went on long enough for now. Thanks everyone for your input. Hope to get more input for everyone.

sandy


Here's to a BLESSED DAY!!!!!!!

RavenToy
04-13-2003, 10:42 AM
I have two real comments that jump into my mind on this one.

1) Thank God for my boyfriend. He's totally accepting of me, and always has been. No matter what I weighed, or whether I was working out or not, and he's always been very physically affectionate with me. I am the one who hates the way I look, not my boyfriend. I am the one who puts the brakes on how or where we get nekkid, not him. My ex-husband, however, was one of those "you have to lose weight" kinda guys. Even when he was 40 or more pounds overweight with a skin condition for which he would not see the doc, and still he expected me to be attracted to him. *cringe* Hence, the "ex" part.

2) I think we as females tend to forget there are easily as many shallow and perfection oriented females as there are males. I have talked to SO many women who won't even LOOK at a guy unless he's "perfect." They're missing out on some really wonderful partners because of that.

Sandy, I really hope things work out for you!

:grouphug:

loranden
04-13-2003, 04:13 PM
Originally posted by RavenToy


2) I think we as females tend to forget there are easily as many shallow and perfection oriented females as there are males. I have talked to SO many women who won't even LOOK at a guy unless he's "perfect." They're missing out on some really wonderful partners because of that.




Excellent point! And funny, in the state of my insomnia last night, I didn't think about that one:lol:

Has anyone seen the ads for the newest :rolleyes: "reality show," Mr Personality? RavenToy's comments made me think of that show; all the guys are wearing masks to conceal their real looks until the (of course beautiful) woman chooses one of them--and she can't turn back once she does!

Angel26519
04-13-2003, 05:21 PM
Hey Sandy & Others!!!!

There are people on both ends of the scale and unfortuantely I dont think you can truly change them....

I had a boyfriend that I thought was so wonderful and I would have done anything for him. We met when I was very, very thin (105#). Then I started to get sick with female problems.... and gained weight (130#) which I actually thought I looked better at. He told me one day that I was hideous- that he was not turned on by me, that I was an embarassment and if he had to see my thighs one more day he would throw up.... he was drunk when he said all this by the way..... when he sobered up he told me that I shouldnt listen to him when he was drinking.... how could I not???? I really believe that what people say when they are drunk is really what they feel.... from that moment on i tried to starve myself.... I would workout for 3 hours a day..... i would sleep in flannel pjs even in the summer.... I hid behind everything.... would never get my picture taken, etc.... my self esteem was shattered in one drunken moment.... I even went off the medicine that had me gain the weight.... I mean who cares if it was saving my life as long I as was thin.... I did lose the weight after coming off the meds but only got to 117# would never get lower.... not that I needed to because 105# is really too thin for me.....

I eventually left him.... but the damage to my psychie is still in exsistance today.... i still hear him in my head.... especially now that I am over 200#.... I cant stand to see myself in pictures.... I am so disappointed in myself and I realize that so much of my weight is hormonal (I had the hysterctomy 2 1/2 years ago and gained over 55# in less than 3 months after it)..... I know what he said was so wrong and to be honest I would love to weigh 130#s I do think I looked better at that weight than at 105#.

I am about to marry a great guy in 20 days.... and he loves me just as I am.... when we met I was 175#'s and have since gained some more weight but he doesnt seem to care..... he is more concerned that i am obsessed about it.... he thinks I worry too much about it and I probably do.... I just keep hearing Billy in the back of my head and unfortuantely I believe him.....

It is hard when someone you love treats you like that. THey are supposed to love you no matter what.... we give these people so much of ourselves..... we open ourselves up to them and when they hurt us it goes so deep that even if it "goes away" it is never truly gone....

My recommendation would be to confront him about it.... Sandy you didnt say that he has exactly said anything about it but I would sit down and let him know how you feel.....maybe he is so dense that he doesnt realize what he is doing to you.... maybe it is other things going on with him and you think it is the weight.... maybe giving him the chance to say that he loves you and that he didnt realize that you thought it was your weight.... or if it is your weight maybe instead of the negative things he could be a positive factor.... let him know that is what you want from him.... let him know that you are trying..... maybe get him to go to the gym with you.... I think some open communication could help you... and if all your suspisions on it are true at least they are out in the open and you can decide what you want to do.....

I will tell you this.... never, never let someone do to you what I let Billy do to me.... It is the hardest thing to overcome..... and you are worth so much more!!!!

JoJoJo2
04-13-2003, 09:47 PM
For goodness sake! You gotta find the right guy, then cherish him. I married my DH over 56 years ago, and he is a "keeper." He loves me, I love him.

I could never have gotten involved with a man who didn't love me for myself. Any thought of reforming the life partner after marriage is a thoughtless thought. IMHO, men are men, and we are stuck with them.

But only a worthless jerk is going to abuse a woman in any way - physically or psychologically or emotionally. An abuser should be dumped - quickly, thoroughly, and completely. We women are worth much more than that.

OK, it probably isn't always that easy, and I'll admit that I was lucky. But I just can't imagine continuing in an abusive relationship.

gigglez
04-13-2003, 10:10 PM
Thanks everyone for the kind words. Angel I have sat down and talked with him and told him how I am feeling and his responce is that nobody can make you feel any way unless you choose to feel that way. I honestly think that he has no idea how his actions affect others(me esp.)! I even have been asked by him when was the last time that I went up and hugged him and when I answered him with the following he liked to !@@! a golden egg. "It was last week in fact and you told me that you were not huggy, touchy, feely and that you felt smothered when someone hugged you so I left you alone. You have to realize that you can't have your cake and eat it too!" He honestly was dumdfounded by this. I guess when you shot what they tell you back at them they get shocked. Angel, I have decided to let it alone for a few weeks and see what happens. But one thing that gets me for the life of me was that when I was so sick last year and hurt so bad that I couldn't get up from the bed he was there for me. It was when the lupron injections started affecting me that he started to turn. Before I started them I told him about the side effects and such and he said that he could handle it as long as it was goin to help me in the end. Well in the end it did not help and had the hyst and from the night before the surgery til present he has been unbearable. I have tried and tried to talk to him to find out if he was worried or had some sort of problem with me having the surgery but all he would say was no. So after all this time and all the coldest the only responce I got was the other night when I asked him to watch ds while I went to the gym and he was all for it. I asked him 2 days later if he would like to go with me and his answer was why do I look like I need to loose that is the only reason that people go to the gym. Ok I know that he needs to get his head out of the sand and accept the fact that there are many men and women who like to life weight and such. Gotta run ds is calling. thanks all

sandy

Angel26519
04-13-2003, 10:14 PM
Sandy-

I feel your pain... I really do. And I know how hard it is.... Just make sure you dont let him get to low down.... your self esteem is more precious and harder to find than any diamonds out in the rough.....

You always have us here (and I know we post on Angel's Better Body Challenge together). I have been there/done that... you have my support.

gigglez
04-14-2003, 01:12 PM
Thanks so much Angel. One thing that I can say is that I guess that it is a good thing that I still have walls up. I have gotten to the point to where I am goin on with my life and seeing what may or may not develop.

Trixi
04-14-2003, 08:15 PM
My problem is a little different I get all the attention I want but feel so bad that I do not want him to see, feel, touch or smell me. I too had a hysterectomy when I was 26 (5 years ago) and that is when I gained most of my weight. My finance was there the whole time and seen some quite dsiturbing things. But he still insists that I am beautiful (note to myself make an appoint for his shrink) I just can't seem to let myself feel like he really doenst think to himself what a gross body I have when he does see me naked which is not often.

I think that when we try to better ourselves whether with weight loss or anything that we feel bothers us then we can begin to see what they do. and also if the other person is not happy with them selves and we are working hard then they feel like they must be rude because they have not looked at their own issues.

It is always easier to see someone walking down the street and think gee I wish I never look like that then to admit that it was your reflection that you were looking at. But when your trying to better yourself you search for the reflection. :)

jiffypop
04-15-2003, 03:33 PM
ladies: the exact same discussion is happening over on the low carb board. jump in!!! there's lots of wisdom floating around here

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=26669&perpage=15&pagenumber=1