Powdered failure, poopy pants and a fat peg with no hole
I didn't know where to post this. I need support so I landed here. The rest of the drivel is just as aimless I suppose.
I posted earlier in the year about joining Medifast.
I did not do well in Powderland. I failed. Sadly, all was not lost. However, I did gain...more weight. See what I did there?
I joined Medifast after a terrible argument armed with a-pouty-3-year-old type "I'll show 'em" hot headed attitude and a barely there "available credit" balance and it was money I did not need to blow on powder.
(Eew, I think I just channelled Quentin Tarantino in that last sentence) Let me add: ered food.
Ok, there. Back to forty, fat, frumpy housewife horror land. To put it simply. I thought the program was not for me from the get go but once you've given your monies to the big bad swiper machine in the MF center and have proclaimed future victories of proportions yet to be seen, you ignore your inner voice by muzzling that know-it-all with space food packets and just go with it. I lost a few pounds for the 6 weeks or so that I did it. I started to have side effects that after some Nancy Drewin' led me to believe it was all the soy isolate or whatever's in that mess. I have PCOS and my particular PCOS malfunctions did not play well together with the putrid powders. I really felt awful and had some annoying side effects. So, I gave up. Again. The little bit of weight I took off came back home and brought friends and cousins. The welcome back party included lots of cheetos and ice cream. What can I say, I'm a happy hostess.
I only posted here a few times about my playtime in powder town and once where I had an unfortunate garment incident that I'm sure those who read it wanted their 5 minutes back real bad along with some mental bleach. That's here:http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/gene...-humility.html
I never properly introduced myself last time other than the MF post so this is my sad attempt.
There's the powdered failure, poopy pants and now that brings us to fat peg. No, my name is not Peg, but, I am fat. I am Amy. Fat Amy. Not Peg. I do FEEL like a fat peg though. The shiny, skinny holes on the board mock me. I wish I had the little hammer that goes with this game so I could wop my knees a few times so it would hurt to waddle to the fridge or pantry thereby curbing my trips.
Medifast was diet #238, give or take a few. I am so broken.
I understand food. I understand calories in and calories out and it truly is just as simple as that. Expend more energy than you take in depending on weight, height, age and a few other determing factors. I have lost alot of weight more than once. This sadly is my story. I hate this *&*%^$# story and I'm so tired of living it.
After the powdertown fiasco, I threw in the towel for a good while, only retrieving it periodically to wipe my greasy chops. I'm fat but not a fat slob.
Truly desperate and doing alot of soul searching. Soul searching and chewing, lots of chewing..I decided that I should just face facts and treat myself like the addict that I so obviously am. I looked into overeaters anonymous and went to a meeting. I cannot tell you what it took to tell my husband that I was going to that meeting. Honestly, I think it would have been easier to tell him that I slept with a bagboy at the Piggly Wiggly with a monkey thrown in the mix.
It was really hard is what I'm trying to say. It's hilarious to me that it was hard. He sees the struggle first hand and has watched (I'm sure in horror) as I've ballooned to this weight which is inconceivable to me even still. Although I "conceive" it alot every time I get up from the couch, expend energy in any capacity, put on shoes and god forbid roll over in the bed all huffy and puffy. But, to say....I am powerless. It was hard.
I planned on posting that very brief experience in the OA thread soon as I'm sure this is already too long. But, in a nutshell. I kinda failed at that too. A sane OA member person, that is.
I didn't come back and post here after the medifast failure because I was so embarassed. How stupid is that? Not one person here knows me nor did I befriend anyone and had only posted a few times but, still my tail was planted firmly between my legs and I just couldn't face even strangers that I swore to that "THIS IS IT... AGAIN, Healthy, Here I come!" and "I'm totally slaying the fat dragon, people!" blah blah, fatty mcblah blah.
I honest to goodness don't know what to do anymore. I'm uncomfortable and alarmingly fat. Not ready for my own special on TLC kinda fat but definitely a you're never fitting on this ride kinda fat. My body is totally *****ing at me in ways that are new and terrifying. My newly turned fortyness only amps up the terror because I've always seen my weight issues in this esoteric "onedayness" kind of way that allowed for conquering at a later date splayed out over the course of my life. That notion strengthened by the several times I have conquered it to some degree only to very quickly don my fatsuit again. I had total confidence that I would not abuse myself for this long, my God in heaven I had no idea the depth of this problem nor the depths of low that my inability to fix myself would take me. It is so dark here. I am so tired. My weight has become my life and what kind of legacy is that for my child?
Bad Debbie Downer! Didn't mean to venture this deep into the dark forest.
I am looking for support. I have found it here lurking and for a brief moment earlier this year and so I'm back to take a little strength from those who have a bit to spare from fighting the good fight and to offer what few bits I have until I can arm myself with more to offer.
What else is there to do?
p.s. My siggy is a lie. I have NOT been defluffin' my stuffin. I have totally been fluffin my stuff right up to flufftastical proportions.
Last edited by DeFluffinMyStuffin; 09-12-2012 at 11:39 AM.
Reason: Add forgotten linky
Wow. You are an amazingly descriptive, funny writer - not to say your issues and concerns are humorous, but your turn of phrase is interesting and amusing! Be that as it may, please know you've found a sympathetic reader - and I am sure I am not the only one.
Now, regarding your ventures into the wilds of pseudo-foods, the 238 diets and OA - 1st thing I have to say is girl, BREATHE!!!! In sloooowly, now out sloowly. Again.
A little better? Maybe? Okay. The following is my thoughts on the subject of food and weight loss, I am not a doctor nor do I play one on TV, so take it for whatever it's worth:
I think that real, whole food is the best medicine. CI/CO is the basis of most successes, but I have found for me that dropping my carbs to a daily limit of between 50 to 100 grams, and increasing my proteins and healthy fats has pretty much eliminated the cravings and uncontrolled munchy pig-outs that defined my afternoons/evenings. I am finding that a primal/paleo type lifestyle is working for me. I allow an occasional treat, but 85% on target. It's keeping the junkfood out of my belly. I walk mostly for exercise, with garden work and housework.
Keep posting, Amy!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! Don't withdraw - none of us are perfect, and we are here to help, encourage, cajole, shout with joy, and, most of all, LISTEN. Blessings to you, and welcome back up on the wagon - I'll skootch over and make a space for you!
If you have PCOS, controlling the insulin resistance that goes along with it is your best bet for feeling good, losing weight, and being satiated (so as not to fall off the wagon!). I suggest figuring out a calorie level to start with, maybe 1800-1900, and filling it with whole foods that are lower in sugar and starch. Skip the fruits like mangos and bananas and go with a peach or berries. No cereal grains or processed bread-like items. Stick to lower carb dairy when you can, and eat plenty of colorful vegetables and rich cuts of meat (a pot roast will satiate more, ounce for ounce, than skinless chicken breast. Just saying').
Sticking to what is essentially a lower inflammatory version of Stillman's/Atkins/South Beach/etc, while counting your calories too, should control your PCOS while helping the scale move. For some folks, simple calories in/calories out works just fine. But for the rest of us, with metabolic dysfunction behind our symptoms of obesity and ravenous hunger, controlling sugars and starches (low to moderate carb diets) is the key to losing the wight without going out of our minds.
Hey DeFluffin--I love you already!!
I've gone to OA. It was OK, but wasn't the magic key for me.
Like you, I've lost and regained before.
This worked for me: Last summer, I made sure 50% of every plate I ate was fruits or veggies. That's it. Whatever you eat, eat an equal portion of produce.
It got me to a good place--habit-wise, and reducing-wise, and from there, I was able to make further changes to take off the rest.
Hope to see lots more of you here!
i was also too embarrassed to come back. thing is though... almost everyone i've talked to since has told me that at some point they also majorly slipped.
apparently... it happens.
this post made my day (not in a mean way). it was the funniest thing ive read on here in a LONG time. you clearly have a good sense of humor about life and your situation. that alone will take you far.
i dont know much about PCOS, my best friend has it and she struggles with weight constantly. you definitely seem to understand the principles of weight loss, thats another tool you have at your side.
reasons i failed? i got cocky. i thought that having a grip on weight loss meant i could relax. i was wrong to the tune of 50 lbs. leaving this site was my other mistake. i also felt too ashamed to come back as i watched myself go up 20, 30, 40 lbs... STAY HERE! thats the best advice i can offer. there is so much information and advice on this site from people who actually KNOW what it's like.
the road ahead seems long, and likely will be. in 5 years you'll be 45 no matter what. thats just how it goes. do you want to be 45 and thin or 45 and stuck in the same rut and wishing you'd reached your goal? thinking about it like that always motivates me!
Truly desperate...
It was really hard is what I'm trying to say. It's hilarious to me that it was hard. He sees the struggle first hand and has watched (I'm sure in horror) as I've ballooned to this weight which is inconceivable to me even still. Although I "conceive" it alot every time I get up from the couch, expend energy in any capacity, put on shoes and god forbid roll over in the bed all huffy and puffy.
Not one person here knows me nor did I befriend anyone and had only posted a few times but, still my tail was planted firmly between my legs and I just couldn't face even strangers that I swore to that "THIS IS IT... AGAIN, Healthy, Here I come!" and "I'm totally slaying the fat dragon, people!" blah blah, fatty mcblah blah.
I honest to goodness don't know what to do anymore. I'm uncomfortable and alarmingly fat. Not ready for my own special on TLC kinda fat but definitely a you're never fitting on this ride kinda fat. My body is totally *****ing at me in ways that are new and terrifying. My newly turned fortyness only amps up the terror because I've always seen my weight issues in this esoteric "onedayness" kind of way that allowed for conquering at a later date splayed out over the course of my life. That notion strengthened by the several times I have conquered it to some degree only to very quickly don my fatsuit again. I had total confidence that I would not abuse myself for this long, my God in heaven I had no idea the depth of this problem nor the depths of low that my inability to fix myself would take me. It is so dark here. I am so tired. My weight has become my life
Good grief Amy - have you read my mind? Are you sure you didn't somehow take everything I was feeling and write it about me?????
Welcome back, and rest assured, I know exactly how you feel here. I even think I know how you felt when you wrote it. Hang in there, and the darkness will lift.
I'm a lifetime Weight Watchers member, TWICE! And I've Atkins and dexatrim and yada, yada, yada. Rinse and repeat.
You are not alone.
Love your creative writing style!
The best advice I could give is to take small baby steps, track, journal, listen to your body and your mind, and figure out what works for you!
We are all different. For instance, WW promotes fruit, I like it, but it just screws with my blood sugar, and turns me into a shaking, screaming monster, so I don't bother, I just eat more veggies!
On the fruit note, all the other folks at my WW meetings are GaGA over 0 points bananas. GAG! I can't stand those slickery, slimey things.
Girl, I'm married to a model. Wanna take a guess how that makes me feel at 286 lbs? Certainly not as hot as I THINK I am when I do my makeup in the headshot-only mirror in my bathroom! It reminds me that 90% of my facebook pictures are now lies because I weigh AT LEAST 50 lbs more than the most recent one. (Hmmm... does this duckface make my chin look fat?)
Know what I have to say about all of this? SCREW THIS CRAP AND FATNESS. LET'S BE BUDDIES.
Lurking about here on and off, I've witnessed such beautiful support offered so freely to one another. The kindness of strangers can far surpass the kindness of kin. I know for me, I somehow feel my fat is more shameful, more wrong, more severe than others. (Shall I lay on the couch or just sit in the chair, Dr.?) My inability to love myself enough to take care of this problem I've been grappling with probably in utero but not actually attaching to myself physically until about 10 or so carries such shame. I used to at least lose and keep it off for awhile and gain it back at a reasonable pace kind of adjusting my standards of myself inch by inch until I could face whatever level of fatness I was currently swimming in. Not for the past few years, nope. I just walk around being crazy uncomfortable fat like it's a viable, sane option for living. Aside from precious time with my child and playing with her at the park and spending time with the hubbers, I don't do anything that makes me happy, I don't write, I don't socialize and I actually noticed the other day at the grocery store(where else?) I keep my head down and don't look at people anymore. This is not me. Even a smaller fat me, it's just not. I love people, talking, socializing, new experiences but the reality is that I've gotten so far out of control that I do not recognize myself anymore. (neither do people who bump into me. I can see the shock on their face. Oh the humanity!)
I just wanted to say thank you ever so kindly for the sweet words, encouragement, ideas and tips.
Yes, several of you are right. I know with PCOS that low carb is best for me. Processed sugar, bread, the whole bit is like crack to me. My dealer is the wonderbread man. It's a supply and demand thing. If you had to be a baddie and slink around back alleys and buy your bread and ice cream on the sly. I'd be skinny. You wouldn't find me in a carb coma laid out in a bread house. I'm scared of jail. I can't potty in front of people and I've seen "Locked Up". O. EM. GEE. The horror.
Thanks for scoochin' over, Judi.
HungryHippo, I love your name so much. Tip on produce plate is a keeper.
Arcticmama and shcirerf, I'm taking deep breaths and your tips to heart. You'd think I'd like to journal my food and whatnot since I love to write but I seriously hate the jotting down of the intake. Blech.
Volleyballsis, thanks. You made my eyes pee a little. And, I mean that in the best way you can mean anything.
TFTF, I can always use buddies.
Oh, Amy, your post was amazing. Thank you for sharing all of that in such an entertaining manner. I think most of us can relate!!! I know I sure can. Welcome back!
It doesn't matter how many times you screw up so long as you try again.... right?
That said, I'm in similar boat except I kinda took... ahem... the whole summer off. Thankfully everything's so busy right now I don't have time to eat.
But, like you, I suffer from PCOS and all the wonderful adventures and side effects that it brings. I wish I could sit down and eat a crap load of bread and yummy starchy stuff but I just can't. Well, I can but it's not pretty.
If you fall, get back up. I try to think of it as taking a walk in the woods. If I stray from the trail, I know I need to get back on the path. I can't just sit down in the middle of nowhere and say "Oh well, I'm off the path, guess I'll just be lost forever." It doesn't matter how long it takes, the important thing is that you find the path again.
Well, start writing then. I'm a freelance writer, earning 100% of my living by writing, and I pronounce you fit to write. You've got the it factor. Now go and use it!
I don't do anything that makes me happy, I don't write, I don't socialize and I actually noticed the other day at the grocery store(where else?) I keep my head down and don't look at people anymore.
its like you took the words right out of my mouth.
Well, start writing then. I'm a freelance writer, earning 100% of my living by writing, and I pronounce you fit to write. You've got the it factor. Now go and use it!
F.
I agree with freelance. WRITE!!! Get some good self esteem going from all the success you'll obviously have at it and then kick some butt with losing weight!
Powdered failure, poopy pants and a fat peg with no hole
"I'll show 'em" hot headed attitude and a barely there "available credit" balance and it was money I did not need to blow on powder. 
Quentin Tarantino in that last sentence) Let me add: ered food. 
though. The shiny, skinny holes on the board mock me. I wish I had the little hammer that goes with this game so I could wop my knees a few times so it would hurt to waddle to the fridge or pantry thereby curbing my trips. 
as I've ballooned to this weight which is inconceivable to me even still. Although I "conceive" it alot every time I get up from the couch, expend energy in any capacity, put on shoes and god forbid roll over in the bed all huffy and
puffy. But, to say....I am powerless. It was hard. 
Again.
but not actually attaching to myself physically until about 10 or so carries such 
shame. I used to at least lose and keep it off for awhile and gain it back at a reasonable pace kind of adjusting my standards of myself inch by inch until I could face whatever level of fatness I was currently swimming in.
Not for the past few years, nope. I just walk around being crazy uncomfortable fat like it's a viable, sane option for living. Aside from precious time with my child and playing with her at the park and spending time with the hubbers, I don't do anything that makes me happy, I don't write, I don't socialize and I actually noticed the other day at the grocery store(where else?) I keep my head down and don't look at people anymore. This is not me. Even a smaller fat me, it's just not. I love people, talking, socializing, new experiences but the reality is that I've gotten so far out of control that I do not recognize myself anymore. (neither do people who bump into 
me. I can see the shock on their face
. Oh the humanity!)
and slink around back alleys and buy your bread and ice cream on the sly
. I'd be skinny. You wouldn't find me in a carb coma laid out in a bread house. I'm scared of jail. I can't potty in front of people and I've seen "Locked Up". O. EM. GEE. The horror.
And, I mean that in the best way you can mean anything.
