[stepharoo]

So I've been in a relationship for about 7 years now. Last November it started to break down in my head - I noticed that there were a lot of things that I had swept under the rug all these years that bothered me or made me mad, ways he had hurt me and continued to do so. I had a lot of thoughts roaming around and wasn't sure what I wanted to happen, so I tried to rationalize everything and change my thoughts into coherent words. By the time I formulated things it was the beginning of January - I had decided we needed some time apart and I explained all the reasons to him why I felt that way. He was very upset, but gave me the space I wanted.

Long story short, after this we got very close to ending things and then we chose to try and make it work. I am back to feeling neglected again and it seems to me this is going to be a continual thing. I've also found I am really into certain things that he is most definitely not into and never will be.

Sometimes I want to just let this go and move on. But I think I am terrified of what that means - ie: him not being in my life as my partner anymore.

Any words of wisdom? How did you know it was time to let go and move on? Were you concerned about your partner at all in your decision making?

(Thanks in advance for reading and responding, my thoughts are tending to be a jumbled mess these days.)

[Sinoia]

I am on my third, and final, marriage. My two divorces were reasonably amicable but in each case it hurt like the devil and both were my choice.

I let go when I realised I deserved better than I was getting, just like you. I realised I was staying because I am a serial fixer-upper and hate to admit failure and I saw leaving as failure. I let go when I realised we had become a habit and that staying seemed easier than leaving, even though staying meant I was selling out. Most of all I let go because I realised first that they did not love me and probably never had .... and, worse, that I did not love them in the end and I had a whole lot of good love that was being totally wasted.

I let go when I realised that, even if I never had anyone to love again and would be alone, that I had to love me first and I deserved better than what I was putting myself through.

It is hard. I tried to keep seeing my husbands as I first saw them, with the dreams and plans we had believed we would carry out and achieve. I had to shake off preconditioning since childhood that you remain married and work it out because that is what god and state saw as virtuous and brave. Bunkum. This is your one life. You can try, that is all, and if it does not work you try something else .... like being brave and courageous for yourself and, most of all, honest.

[kelly315]

I just ended a six year relationship, and it wasn't easy. I was also concerned about his well being, and felt a bit of separation anxiety at first. Just trust me that if you're doing what's best for you, it's what's best for both of you, and it will eventually get better and better. You just have to let yourself grieve for a while, but stay just busy enough not to let yourself get overwhelmed by grief.

[Beach Patrol]

Any words of wisdom? How did you know it was time to let go and move on? Were you concerned about your partner at all in your decision making?

I think the following link will say it best - please read the entire thing. Slowly. Re-read it if you need to. BUT DEFINITELY READ IT.

"Sugar" is Cheryl Strayed. "The Rumpus" is an on-line magazine and Sugar has an advice column that has resonated in my soul with nearly every single entry. Even if I don't connect with the person asking advice, Sugar always says something that sincerely helps me.

So please - READ THE ENTIRE #77 - The Truth that Lives There. The letters are from several people, and Sugar addresses them all in her answer.


http://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-su...t-lives-there/


EXCERPT:
But there was in me an awful thing, from almost the very beginning: a tiny clear voice that would not, not matter what I did, stop saying go.

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.

Now just imagine what the rest of the column has to offer.

[krampus]

Another partner will come.

Is a "just OK" partner better than no partner in your mind?

Ending a long relationship, especially when the other person loves you very much and hasn't done anything explicitly WRONG, is so difficult. The guilt of ending things keeps you there longer than you might want.

Think of it this way though - if you were with someone and he wanted to leave but felt bad about doing so and stayed and was therefore not really happy in the relationship, wouldn't you rather he left?

[ADL]

I don't want to encourage you to do something without knowing more about your situation but I will say that most of the conflict in my marriage arises because my husband and I have learned how to give love and receive love in different ways which has lead to a lot of serious fights that were based on nothing more than a misunderstanding.

All I'm saying is that you should both make sure you are zeroing in on the real crux of the issue before you decide to split. Maybe you thought you were being clear about your issues but you failed to explain it in a way that he understood? Maybe he is showing you love in his own way, it's just that you want to be shown love in a different way and as a result you feel neglected.

If you do decide that he is not good for you, it is a toxic relationship and you should leave. This might sound selfish but it's the truth...a relationship is only good as long as you both are growing from it. I'm not saying you should duck out when times are bad but if this relationship consistently over an extended period does not facilitate your personal growth and makes you unhappy then I say get out.

Again I am not saying anything one way or another, I don't know enough about your situation. Just something to think about.

[IAmTheGlue]

I have two main thoughts on this.

One is that sometimes leaving is the kindest thing you can do. I think we all deserve to be loved fully and deeply, appreciated for who we are deep inside. Sometimes it is kinder and more fair to the other person to walk away so *both* of you can find a real love. If you can't love them like that, I would let them go.

I was married young the first time. I loved him BUT we were too young & when we turned 25 he drastically changed and became far more controlling and possessive. We had three kids, a house and cars and all appeared fine & dandy on the outside. Inside, I was dying. I wasn't happy... I was so alone in my marriage...I had never worked & stayed home with the kids. Leaving was super scary.

The very best thing that could have come out of our marriage did. We have 3 beautiful children and partners we love, who didn't end up being each other.

My second husband is my soul mate. He really touches me in a way that no one else ever has. I thought I loved my first husband, we were married for nearly 8 years. No, I had no clue what real love even felt like. I spent two years single. I had a friend give me the best advice of my life. He told me he thought that I had always been somebody's daughter, somebody's mother, somebody's wife but never just somebody. He said to take some time and get to know that somebody before looking for love. He was so right and I didn't go looking for love, it came looking for me.

If tomorrow my husband came home and started beating me, making meth, going on a drunken rampage and destroying our house, I would pick again. As much as I LOVE this man, I have standards and I would absolutely 100% walk away if I needed to.

My second thought is this... This is your REAL life. This is the only chance you will ever have to be happy. Ever. This is it. Do what you need to do. Be true to yourself

My parents were married 41 years before my father died. He loved her. She always had one foot out the door. She never loved him like he loved her. She never trusted him. She loved to stir up drama. They were never *REALLY* happy, and I think it was a waste of life.

For me, divorce was the very best answer. It was the best thing I ever did. It was scary. It was terrifying. I wasn't looking for love when I met my new husband. I can take care of myself and my children. I didn't "need" him. That is one of the things my husband said most attracted him to me. I could take care of myself.

I'm not saying "leave", I'm saying for me, leaving was right. I guarantee there will be other partners. I wouldn't worry about being alone forever. I would worry about staying in a relationship that isn't being what you need of it.

[stepharoo]

Thank you all so very much, I really appreciate you taking the time to put together such meaningful responses. I do have a lot to think about and decisions to make, with your words only helping me move in the right direction.

@beach patrol - I read through the whole thing (as you requested) and I cried... it was my first real 'moment'. So for that, I thank you.

[Beach Patrol]

Originally Posted by stepharoo

Thank you all so very much, I really appreciate you taking the time to put together such meaningful responses. I do have a lot to think about and decisions to make, with your words only helping me move in the right direction.

@beach patrol - I read through the whole thing (as you requested) and I cried... it was my first real 'moment'. So for that, I thank you.

You're welcome!

It was quite an eye-opener for me as well. I discovered her column last November & have been a fan ever since. Her golden rule is "TRUST YOURSELF". She always seems to have stellar advice. Her column has been kinda "on hold" since she's been touring the country promoting her new book "Wild". She also has another book out "Tiny Beautiful Things" which is a collection of some of her best letters and advice.