Weight Loss Support - really need some advice




View Full Version : really need some advice


Bomi
08-20-2012, 04:44 PM
Hi. :)

After lurking for a while on this forum, I decided to make a post and tell you my story. For most of my life, considering im 19 lol, i've been overweight. I am 5'5 and weigh 10 stone, so i've lost around 3 stone in the past year which i'm proud of, however, my family members constantly call me fat and make me feel worthless, constantly self conscious and making it seem as if i'll never reach my target weight which before i go to college is 57kg, my overall goal is around 53kg. Nobody in my family is fat, and I weight more than all of them. The funny thing is that I was happier at 13 stone than I am now. I was never as obsessed then than I am now....

Being fat dictates everything. I am painfully awkward, unable to excel at public speaking (which btw i think is a result of being overweight)...i always think that losing weight will make things better which it definitely has but i just want to reach my goal and be happy. I am so paranoid aswell, when someone mentions the word 'fat' i automatically assume they're talking about me. It doesnt help that most of the fashion blogs I read tend to be around size 6. I also always assume someone will judge me harshly based on my weight rather than my personality.


I am going to embark on some sort of detox for a week and then start the healthy eating process again with exercise everyday, varying from running and swimming. I just want to become optimistic and not allow my weight dictate my life. I hate buying clothes and looking at the size and hence wallowing in self pity. Even going to the library and walking makes me so self conscious and i feel like crying. I really need some support. What would you suggest to make me gain some confidence or at least some self worth.

Thanks for reading and I shall anticipate your responses. I really needed to get that of my chest....


krampus
08-20-2012, 05:15 PM
Congrats on 3 stone lost! That's no easy feat.

You're not even overweight now, so your family can stop harassing you about your weight. Not sure what your background is or your family's history, but that doesn't sound healthy - so I hope you will find college a freeing and liberating experience.

Losing weight doesn't change who you are and all your "fat me" problems are probably just "me" problems. I nitpick myself more at 57 kg than I did at 70+ kg and it's driving people nuts.

Fashion blogs feature people who are size 6 but also like, 5'10" tall. Are you in the UK? I REALLY don't think anyone is going to judge you on your weight at 10st.

Bomi
08-20-2012, 06:38 PM
Nobody outside my family thinks my weight is a problem. I largely think its my family and my own thoughts. I've got a plan to follow and i'm really motivated. Thanks for the response ^^


unpregnantmomma2011
08-21-2012, 01:15 PM
So now I'm going to ask you...what if your family didn't make remarks. How would you feel about yourself? If your family was not in the picture would you feel good about your weight and going to buy clothes?

if you think yes, then i don't think you feel that bad about yourself. I just think your families opinions mean more then your own thoughts. Before anything can happen you'll have to find an internal happiness about your weight/looks.

for me, I was in your shoes after my daughter was born. I was 175-- my heaviest ever-- and very depressed about the weight that was left over-- 35lbs heavier after pregnancy.

BUT, now after time has gone by- almost a year-- things have gotten better and now that I feel okay about myself again (since I don't look 5 months pregnant), I am working better at wearing bigger pants and realizing it won't be like that forever.

Your weight does not define you, it drags on you. It's temporary and removable. Just stay in control and it won't take long.

Bomi
08-24-2012, 03:02 PM
So now I'm going to ask you...what if your family didn't make remarks. How would you feel about yourself? If your family was not in the picture would you feel good about your weight and going to buy clothes?

if you think yes, then i don't think you feel that bad about yourself. I just think your families opinions mean more then your own thoughts. Before anything can happen you'll have to find an internal happiness about your weight/looks.

for me, I was in your shoes after my daughter was born. I was 175-- my heaviest ever-- and very depressed about the weight that was left over-- 35lbs heavier after pregnancy.

BUT, now after time has gone by- almost a year-- things have gotten better and now that I feel okay about myself again (since I don't look 5 months pregnant), I am working better at wearing bigger pants and realizing it won't be like that forever.

Your weight does not define you, it drags on you. It's temporary and removable. Just stay in control and it won't take long.

Even without my family taunting me about my weight, I would still have a complex about it. To be honest it's mostly my own thoughts which brings out my insecurities. I am my worst critic. I am working on losing the weight and to mentally accept myself and to stop constantly criticising myself.

Thanks a lot for this reply. :D

theox
08-24-2012, 05:22 PM
Losing weight doesn't change who you are and all your "fat me" problems are probably just "me" problems.

^This. Self-confidence and a sense of self-worth don't come from being at a particular weight. I don't know what surefire ways of building them would be, but here are some ideas for the specific things you mentioned:

Awkwardness: You don't say whether you feel physically or socially awkward (or both). Either way, a good way to become more graceful is to practice the sorts of things you do awkwardly until they're not awkward for you anymore. This could be taking up a new sport (for physical awkwardness) or making a point of learning and practicing how to converse with people in whatever sorts of social situations make you feel awkward. Awkwardness would probably ensue, but it would also probably decrease over time as your skills improved. Practice makes (almost) perfect.

Public speaking: The way to become a confident public speaker is to practice public speaking. If there are classes or clubs at your college that focus on the development of public speaking skills, join them and participate. If there's a Toastmasters club in your area, you might want to check that out, too. Most people, regardless of weight, are not naturally confident public speakers. However, it's a skill that can be acquired and honed if you're willing to put the effort into learning and practicing how to do it, and if you're willing to accept criticism and advice from people who know what they're talking about. Practice makes (almost) perfect.

"Paranoia:" Two things you might do when you think people may be making disparaging comments about your weight or judging you harshly because of it:

1. Ask yourself "so what? Why does this upset me? Is this a reasonable criticism of me and something that it's worth getting upset about?" People can (and do) think and say whatever they want, no matter how ignorant or lacking in compassion they are or what ulterior motives they might have. You don't have to buy into their opinions (or even care about what they think or say) just because they think they're right (or because they want you to believe that they're right). If, upon reflection, you decide that there is something that you want to change, sit down and chart out a path for making it happen in a way that will work for you, not how know-it-all Snippy and Snarky insist you have to do it.

2. Ask people what they said or what they're thinking. That's the best way to find out what they think about you (if they're thinking about you at all; most people are pretty focused on themselves). FWIW, I've been a lot happier since I took the view that anybody who has anything intelligent and helpful to say to me (even if it's hard to hear) will say it to my face, and that any unkind and ignorant comments that might be made about me behind my back are not a reflection on me (only on others' perceptions and beliefs) or something I can influence, and are therefore not worth worrying about.

Family: Put some distance between yourself and them, if you can. It'll just give you space to grow into yourself. Even if you can't move out (yet), allow yourself to recognize when they're being unrealistic, petty, or simply unhelpful. You're an adult, and you can hold your mental ground against their negative feedback.

Fashion blogs: Yeah, fashion media can be like that. That sort of stuff can be interesting and entertaining and there's a place for it, but it is kind of "fluffy." Do you do any volunteer work or actively support any causes (political, environmental, religious, etc.)? If you don't, you might find that helping out with some cause that interests you (especially one where you could work directly with other people) can help you stay grounded and help prevent you from getting overly fixated on your clothing or weight. In my experience, volunteers come in all shapes and sizes and they don't usually get hung up on how other volunteers look. What they do care about is having interested, honest, reliable people to help them. And if you're working with a group that serves those in crisis or in extreme need, like a suicide hotline or a food bank, you'll probably find that how you look doesn't matter to the people you're serving.


And when you feel embarrassed (about your weight or anything else), just roll with it. Embarrassment is a natural and, for most people, an unavoidable emotion. Note that that's how you're feeling, then focus on whatever task is in front of you. If there's something that you could reasonably have done to avoid the embarrassment (e.g., practicing a presentation you had to deliver instead of trying to wing it), just make a note of it and try to follow through the next time. Dwelling on feeling embarrassed won't change anything, it just sucks the enjoyment out of other activities.

I think that confidence comes, at least in part, from learning how to work through problems, whether they're physical, mental, or emotional. Being able to put feelings like embarrassment into perspective may make it easier for you to pursue the activities that you're interested in and help you develop a sense of confidence in your ability to manage your emotions (instead of them controlling you) and your ability to successfully overcome obstacles between you and your goals.

Free advice, for all it's worth. :lol:

Good luck!

Bomi
09-02-2012, 04:25 PM
^This. Self-confidence and a sense of self-worth don't come from being at a particular weight. I don't know what surefire ways of building them would be, but here are some ideas for the specific things you mentioned:

Awkwardness: You don't say whether you feel physically or socially awkward (or both). Either way, a good way to become more graceful is to practice the sorts of things you do awkwardly until they're not awkward for you anymore. This could be taking up a new sport (for physical awkwardness) or making a point of learning and practicing how to converse with people in whatever sorts of social situations make you feel awkward. Awkwardness would probably ensue, but it would also probably decrease over time as your skills improved. Practice makes (almost) perfect.

Public speaking: The way to become a confident public speaker is to practice public speaking. If there are classes or clubs at your college that focus on the development of public speaking skills, join them and participate. If there's a Toastmasters club in your area, you might want to check that out, too. Most people, regardless of weight, are not naturally confident public speakers. However, it's a skill that can be acquired and honed if you're willing to put the effort into learning and practicing how to do it, and if you're willing to accept criticism and advice from people who know what they're talking about. Practice makes (almost) perfect.

"Paranoia:" Two things you might do when you think people may be making disparaging comments about your weight or judging you harshly because of it:

1. Ask yourself "so what? Why does this upset me? Is this a reasonable criticism of me and something that it's worth getting upset about?" People can (and do) think and say whatever they want, no matter how ignorant or lacking in compassion they are or what ulterior motives they might have. You don't have to buy into their opinions (or even care about what they think or say) just because they think they're right (or because they want you to believe that they're right). If, upon reflection, you decide that there is something that you want to change, sit down and chart out a path for making it happen in a way that will work for you, not how know-it-all Snippy and Snarky insist you have to do it.

2. Ask people what they said or what they're thinking. That's the best way to find out what they think about you (if they're thinking about you at all; most people are pretty focused on themselves). FWIW, I've been a lot happier since I took the view that anybody who has anything intelligent and helpful to say to me (even if it's hard to hear) will say it to my face, and that any unkind and ignorant comments that might be made about me behind my back are not a reflection on me (only on others' perceptions and beliefs) or something I can influence, and are therefore not worth worrying about.

Family: Put some distance between yourself and them, if you can. It'll just give you space to grow into yourself. Even if you can't move out (yet), allow yourself to recognize when they're being unrealistic, petty, or simply unhelpful. You're an adult, and you can hold your mental ground against their negative feedback.

Fashion blogs: Yeah, fashion media can be like that. That sort of stuff can be interesting and entertaining and there's a place for it, but it is kind of "fluffy." Do you do any volunteer work or actively support any causes (political, environmental, religious, etc.)? If you don't, you might find that helping out with some cause that interests you (especially one where you could work directly with other people) can help you stay grounded and help prevent you from getting overly fixated on your clothing or weight. In my experience, volunteers come in all shapes and sizes and they don't usually get hung up on how other volunteers look. What they do care about is having interested, honest, reliable people to help them. And if you're working with a group that serves those in crisis or in extreme need, like a suicide hotline or a food bank, you'll probably find that how you look doesn't matter to the people you're serving.


And when you feel embarrassed (about your weight or anything else), just roll with it. Embarrassment is a natural and, for most people, an unavoidable emotion. Note that that's how you're feeling, then focus on whatever task is in front of you. If there's something that you could reasonably have done to avoid the embarrassment (e.g., practicing a presentation you had to deliver instead of trying to wing it), just make a note of it and try to follow through the next time. Dwelling on feeling embarrassed won't change anything, it just sucks the enjoyment out of other activities.

I think that confidence comes, at least in part, from learning how to work through problems, whether they're physical, mental, or emotional. Being able to put feelings like embarrassment into perspective may make it easier for you to pursue the activities that you're interested in and help you develop a sense of confidence in your ability to manage your emotions (instead of them controlling you) and your ability to successfully overcome obstacles between you and your goals.

Free advice, for all it's worth. :lol:

Good luck!

Thank you so much. I'll try and take on everything you have mentioned. One step at a time ^^

kelly315
09-02-2012, 07:30 PM
I also want to join in in saying you're not overweight now! Not by social standards and not by medical (bmi) standards. I think what you need is a boost in self esteem, not a weight loss plan. I recommend listening to those people outside of your family- families can be the worst, they take out all of their bs on each other and it comes out in forms that don't even make sense. They probably don't even think you're actually overweight, but are picking on you for some other reason (stress at work, etc).

Bomi
09-03-2012, 03:28 PM
I also want to join in in saying you're not overweight now! Not by social standards and not by medical (bmi) standards. I think what you need is a boost in self esteem, not a weight loss plan. I recommend listening to those people outside of your family- families can be the worst, they take out all of their bs on each other and it comes out in forms that don't even make sense. They probably don't even think you're actually overweight, but are picking on you for some other reason (stress at work, etc).

The problem is that even though i've lost a lot of weight, I still feel fat but the funny thing is that I was much happier and so sure of myself before. Everyday I get called fat fat fat and coupled with the fact this has been going on for more than 4 years has made my self esteem incredibly low. I feel so paranoid about eating in front of them but i'm moving out for university so I shall try and improve my self esteem, which I am aware will take time. Removing myself from that environment will hopefully allow me to rediscover myself.

Thanks a lot for your reply :) I really appreciate it....