As I sit here thinking to myself, it has cossed my mind do I think I could gain eveything back I lost. It's a scary thought to think. Before I was 276 pounds and losing over 100 pounds was not an easy task. I cried most nights on how hard I had to work to get to a healthier me. All the blisters on my feet, sweat I had shed, the chaffing between my legs, continuing pains from working out, how everyone I knew got to eat what they wanted and I was stuck with diet food, the tears I cried over the scales because sometimes it would not move or budge. I think back to the beginning of my journey and I am so thankful I never gave up through it all. If I would have given up there is no doubt in my mind I would be way bigger then I was when I started. I'm proud of myself everyday for accomplishing the biggest goal I have ever set in my life. I think to myself how and why in the world did I let myself get so big? My breaking point was when my mother guessed my weight right off the bat (there were other Breaking points as well), she was only 1 pound away from being correct. I did not think I looked that big. But still to this day when I look in a mirror I see the scars of what once was a very unhealthy and unhappy girl. It's hard to get around the fact that I'm not 276 pounds anymore I have a constant thought of I'm "fat". I still see that girl in the mirror. My mother told me I will always see her. Maybe that image is embedded in my head forever to keep me from turning back into the girl I dont ever want to be again.
What was your breaking point?
When you look in the mirror what do you see?
08-14-2012, 05:12 PM
I was browsing the forums the other day and spotted one of your posts for the first time. I snooped a bit, inspired by your success and read a few of your other posts/threads. You should be extremely proud of where you are, not that you aren't, but I think that once you're that big, you're always going to feel that big. I don't like to see girls with only a little bit to lose, I can't relate to them. You my dear, are a great inspiration to me, because you're closer to where I'm starting and it's proof that it is possible. I have no idea how I'll feel when I reach 168 pounds, I've never been there, not where I am remember, but my mirror lies now, so it'll probably lie then too. If you remind yourself every now and then of who you were, you'll realize that that isn't who you want to be. No one wants to feel embarrassed about how they look and be unhappy. You're beautiful, strong, and a success, that's what you have to think about.
08-14-2012, 05:39 PM
To answer your initial question, do I think I could gain all the weight back? I know the answer is yes - plus some. As 15 years ago I lost 50 pounds. I gained it all back plus 20 more in about 18 months. That's, on average, eating an extra 450 calories a day. Or, a good piece of cake extra every day - who can't eat an extra piece of cake every day? or 2-3 sugary drinks? I gained another 20 pounds after maintaining my previous high weight for only 1 year. It's actually really EASY to gain weight fast!
Twice on this weight loss journey now I've allowed myself a break. Once at Christmas and once during our vacation. That's 2 months out of 19 months. In BOTH those months I gained ten pounds - just like that. I didn't go crazy wild, IMO, but I overate (mostly on carbs). If I didn't reel it in, I would gain all the way back up. I LOVE food. I love to eat. I love sweets and sugars and fatty foods. I am not one of those people who can say they lose their taste for foods - nope. Now, I can get to the point I don't crave them, but once I have them again, I still love them - even if they make me feel icky later.
But will I let myself gain it back? No. I won't. After the month during Christmas when I took a planned break (we had 2 birthdays, 2 christmases (as my husband's family is Orthodox) and 9 parties during the holidays AND New Years in that month) I went right back to it - as I promised myself I would. I also planned to eat off plan during vacation. To me vacation is relaxing and enjoying - not worrying about a weight gain. And, as I promised myself, I started right back at it the day I got back (today is day 3). I figure the rest of my life will be like that - a little up and a little down - just never, ever letting myself be "whatever" with food. My health can't take that any more and my desires of what I want to do with my life don't allow that either. Plus, I see how much better it is has been for my relationship with my husband since I lost weight. And it's not even about how I look (though I'm sure that's part of it). I have more energy and am healthier and he's less worried about me.
When I look at older people, it's the ones that are active and fit that live good lives into their 70s. I want THAT and to get that, I have to take care of myself - now and always.
Does that mean I can't have mini breaks? No. But my way of life has to be stricter and that means not going back to the habits my body would so easily revert to - I know.
08-14-2012, 06:16 PM
First off, Successfulhannah, Congrats! 100 pounds is all kinds of super amazing! Good job! Don't downplay how awesome what you have accomplished is!
I guess mine and your stories are a bit different because I've never been "unhappy" for my weight. I am comfortable in the skin I'm in, regardless of the weight that was under it. I was a skinny little kid, hot in high school and didn't start gaining weight until I was done with beauty school. I still feel like that hot teenager inside. I'm fat and I still feel like an awesome person. Screw what the rest of the world thinks. :/
I've never felt like my weight defined me. I've been unhappy plenty of times in my life. My childhood was rough. Parts of high school were very rough. My first husband was a lying, cheating, abusive @$$-hat. I was plenty unhappy with him. But I don't really feel like I have been unhappy because of a number on a scale, it's such a small part of who I am.
The truth is, when I'm miserable, I lose weight. When I'm happy, I get fat. I don't know why that is. Right now I'm happy and trying to lose weight, for my health. When I hated my first husband, I lost weight. I'd get pregnant and gain it all back. I'm super happy when pregnant. Realize I was still unhappy and lose weight again, just to get pregnant and gain it all back.
My breaking point was my Dad dying of congestive heart failure. I love and respect that man more than anything. I'm still working through his death. I had just started to have heart problems and my cardiologist literally said "extra weight is hard on your heart" and that "losing weight is the best thing you can do". So, here I am. I have 4 kids who NEED me. My youngest is 2. I NEED to do this for them, for me. I'm the glue that holds my little part of the world together and I can't be selfish anymore.
I've lost 35 pounds in the past few months and nearly 75 pounds from my highest weight. When I look in the mirror, I still see this awesome woman who can create life, nurture it and help heal most everything I touch. I've just never hated myself. I'm kind to everyone, there is more than enough hurt in the world for me to add to it. But most of all, I'm kind to myself. I'm not perfect. I've got tons of stretch marks, I've had 4 babies, this is a working body. lol I'm never going to be a Playboy centerfold. I wouldn't want to anyway. I just want to be healthy.
Being fat is seriously jeopardizing my health so there is no other way. This MUST be done. I cannot get fat again. I WON'T. Will I battle this forever? Probably, but I will never get as out of control as I once was.