I dont know what to do about my marriage. Ive been with my DH for 3 years but only married 4 months and im ready to be done. Its not turning out the way i thought it would. I thought we would have lots of affection, romance and love in our relationship. Instead, i feel like im living with a 32 going on 80 year old who never wants to have sex anymore and barely kisses me and barely touches me. He claims that im attractive and he is sexually attracted to me and he claims he wants to have more sex in our relationship and yet he does nothing to innitiate and when i do try and make it happen, it doesnt. He rejects me or falls asleep. On top of it, he forgot are anniversary. He couldnt even bother to say "Happy anniversary" when i reminded him.
When i got married i expected i would be marrying the same guy that i dated..but instead i feel like im married to a stranger. Instead of having sex, we dont. Instead of cuddling, we dont. Instead of kissing, we dont. Instead of going on dates, we dont... Instead of having romantic evenings in together, we dont. He is nothing like the person i dated..I dont get it????
My love language is touch..I need affection..and im not just talking sex..im talking hugs, cuddles, hand holding...ect..and im not getting it ...Dont get me wrong, i love that he does stuff for me around the house and that he pays our bills and works a job and is a good father, but as a husband...as a lover...he sucks.
It makes me want to just get a divorce and start dating other people. I have sometimes thought that i just want to cheat on him and go find someone who will pay attention to me..because whats the point of being married to someone who acts like a brick wall???
If I remember correctly, you posted about sex issues before you two got married. That being said, I think you guys would benefit from couples therapy. I wish you luck, don't do anything rash.
He changed after you got married, or has this been a progressive thing? If it started 4 months ago, id say something is bothering him. Counseling, or at least talking, could help immensely. It may be physical, and he's embarrassed.
I wonder if maybe he needs to seek the help of a physician? He could have low Testosterone levels or just simply be depressed and need help. It might be medical, and if it's not, then proceed straight to therapy. Good luck.
http://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms is an interesting resource for people suffering from sexless marriages/relationships, if nothing else you would be able to vent and receive sympathy there from people who are in your shoes!
I don't think divorce or cheating is ever the first resort, more like the last...
Well, your ONLY 4 months in, and been together 3 years??? It sounds like your already fed up and wont be able to do this for the next 50 years. As sad as it is...you should probably get out as soon as you can
He changed after you got married, or has this been a progressive thing? If it started 4 months ago, id say something is bothering him. Counseling, or at least talking, could help immensely. It may be physical, and he's embarrassed.
I agree with this. If he was not like this in the past, then there is a good chance that something is bothering him. My husband suffers from depression, and before he was on medication, he would have bouts of depression where he behaved a lot like you describe your husband.
I urge you to try counseling first. Obviously it's your decision to make, and it's completely within your rights to leave him, but if you loved him enough to marry him, then I think the marriage is something that is worth at least trying to save.
If I remember correctly, you posted about sex issues before you two got married. That being said, I think you guys would benefit from couples therapy. I wish you luck, don't do anything rash.
This. And if you don't have kids don't bring any into this thinking it will bring you two closer together. Good luck.
Im coming up on my 5th year of marriage and we have had times like this. and for us, my husband was stressed, but didnt want to burden me with it. once we talked it out, things got better. the first year was hard though. we had been together for 5 yrs before we got married, but that 1st year was very difficult. i always tell him that being a wife is the hardest thing ive ever done. we make sure that we talk about everything, no matter how hard and we struggle with being as honest as possible with each other about everything. sometimes i hear things i dont want to (like how my favorite jeans are a little too snug around the midsection OUCH) but the honesty builds trust and keeps us close to one another.
i, like others, suggest counselling and have a good old fashioned heart to heart. there may be something emotional or physical that he is ashamed to talk about. good luck.
I'm going to be blunt - you sound incredibly short sighted and selfish.
Marriage is not some temporary state, it is a lifelong contract requiring sacrifice, work, and commitment when things AREN'T perfect, not jut when they're going swimmingly.
So you two are dead in the bedroom and not affectionate. How are YOU fixing that? Are you just being discontent and frigid and allowing this to persist, or are you going out of your way daily to show him your love and commitment? Have you sat down and respectfully discussed the things you are missing and his interpretation of the situation, or are you just busy harboring your ill feelings and nursing discontent?
Marriage is work. And good marriages don't just happen. They take a concerted effort of both people working to love and serve one another, every single day. It's not about your love language and what you can get out of it, and if you approach your relationship like that it WILL whither and die. As long as you are living for your own needs and desires without considering his as of the same importance as your own, you're doomed. Talking about quitting instead of buckling down and doing the hard work? Also not looking good for you.
I'm just going by the limited information in your post - but have you communicated with him clearly and outside of the bedroom about where issues are cropping up? Have you proposed solutions and asked for his take? Have you both actively committed yourselves to fulfilling each other's needs above your own? This is crucial, it isn't just lip service. Life is hard and marriages become challenging, the ONLY way to strengthen your marriage is dedicated work with your own two hands. When there is a problem, fix it. Seek a solution tirelessly until both of you are better for it.
My first year of marriage sucked, and you want to know why? I was too selfish, and was putting my own needs and thoughts above my husband. And my husband hadn't yet prioritized the fact that his hobbies and time couldn't be spent the same way when we were married with kids as when he was single. I couldn't fix my husband's issues beyond telling him what I was feeling. But my own response to him? My own ridiculous, whiny, selfish desires to get my way perfectly and above all else? You'd better believe I had to stop and do a 180 in my heart attitude and priorities for our marriage to survive. But we committed to one another for LIFE. No quitting, no backpedalling, no separation. We decided that divorce wasn't in our vocabulary and that if things sucked we had to MAKE them better.
And I can tell you we did! It worked. We still have lulls and tons of stress, some discontented feelings or distance occasionally slips in. But we better it, improve the situation immediately, and don't let it fester and rot and destroy our lives from the inside out. We talk regularly, MAKE time for touch (even when one of us doesn't feel like it), and don't let these things lay fallow and destroy us like a cancer. I ask his forgiveness when I discover I've done or said something selfish and hurtful, he does the same. We have our roles in this marriage and we work hard to fulfil them, so both of us know the other is working their hardest. My husband's love and dedication makes ME want to do better and love more. And it is the same for him.
This isn't coincidence, it isn't that we've never struggled. If we were less stubbornly dedicated to never, ever splitting we'd have done it years ago. But we decided our marriage was worth the work to change the worst parts of ourselves and be better. We chose to say no to our selfishness and live with the consideration of another at the forefront of our minds. We decided that life was better together than apart, and that the only thing in the way of a beautiful, satisfying union was our own problems and pride. So we fixed it.
You can too, it's not magic. I am not a great wife, my husband isn't the perfect spouse. But with communication, love, and dedication to see it through until death, you can do SO much to better your marriage. But if you give up, then it is surely lost.
And do forgive me if this sounds harsh, it is intended to be honest but not hurtful.
Last edited by Arctic Mama; 07-22-2012 at 08:00 PM.
I've been married 9 years. Has it always been rosepetals and unicorns pooping rainbows? NO! I'll be honest and tell you there have been a couple times when I nearly walked away. But, I had an epiphany. The problems with my marriage were not all him. I was making myself angry and miserable trying to find all the fault in him. I expected him to somehow make my life wonderful, to fix me. End of the day, that's not his job; It's MINE!
I have been married for 20 years. Has it been easy? Yes at times and No at times. Marriage takes a lot of work and compromise. See what YOU can do to make things better, and talk what HE can do to make things better.
After 2 kids, life is not all about dinners out, gazing into each other's eyes and holding hands. AND YES at times sex life is not all fireworks. It is a partnership, it is a friendship.
You made this huge commitment, you owe it to yourself to see if it can work out. You can only change yourself, you can not change him.
At my wits end with my marriage..
