Support Groups - How to deal with insensitivities?

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06-24-2012, 10:28 PM
Hi everyone I am back again, as well as getting back on the horse yet again, this time for good. I have been a member for 7 years but just recently revisited this site.
Anyway, I am just wondering if anyone else has dealt with people around them being obliviously insensitive. I am not talking about that completely stranger yelling "hey fat girl" at you just for having the nerve to be out in public (true story), I am refering to people making comments that may not be purposefully mean, but they are indeed very insensitive.
My roomate is a male and he is pretty slender and can eat whatever he wants, as he works a job that is very physically demanding and last night he decided to go on one of my walks with me just for something to do. As we walked he kept getting ahead of me and I asked him to slow down and his response was "i'm sorry, I am not used to walking this slow". I know he did not mean it to sound insulting but it hurt my feelings to think that I thought I WAS walking fast only to find out that I am not. As well as the fact that I am trying to diet and he is constantly bringing cake and snacks into the kitchen and leaving them out, even though I have asked him if he would just have the decency to put them into the cabinet where I dont have to see them. It has made it a challange to say the least.
It isnt just one person that is being insensitive though, I mean I have heard comments from people after I have told them I have lost 10 lbs that are along the lines "thats good, how much more to go"? Or "Its great that you are finally doing something about your weight". It is starting to appear that manners and consideration have gone out the window. I am just worried that I will work so hard just to get to the point where I feel a little more confident in myself someone will say something awful and I will not be able to look the other way at which point I will just say "why even try" and give up.
Has anyone else dealt with this?

06-24-2012, 10:48 PM
I am sorry you are going through this. I think most of us who have been overweight have heard some insensitive remarks. I have been having a tough week, going off plan many days. I went to the movies with my family and my husband bought a large popcorn for me, which I mindlessly munched. I felt bad afterward, needless to say. The next day, I was dressed up to go to an event, and my husband expressed surprise that I hadn't gained weight due to the popcorn. Of course, I am sure I have gained weight, but at least it doesn't show yet. My point being, did he deliberately try to sabotage my diet by buying me the popcorn? Was he trying to make me gain weight?

At your stage, I would not make any large pronouncements about trying to lose weight, etc. You just open yourself up for hurtful comments, saboteurs, and the food police. After a time, when your weight loss becomes more obvious, you will have to deal with peoples remarks and reactions, like it or not. Try to stay under their radar as long as possible. I know that for me, it was much easier to stick to my plan before everyone knew what I was up to.

Whatever you do, don't give up!

Good luck.

06-24-2012, 10:48 PM
I deal with it by not discussing my weight or diet. It seems that as soon as you announce you are on a diet people think they have the right to make comments,good or bad, usually bad. If they don't know that you are dieting they can't make those rude comments. There are still some who think they must let us overweight people know that we are overweight by calling us fat. Do they think we don't know that ?

06-24-2012, 11:47 PM
I am training myself to not react, even inwardly, to minor insensitive comments that are not really meant to be rude or unkind.

People do this all the time, not only in the area of weight and fitness. They do it in all areas of life.

Lol, I was running with a more fit friend last month and she was walking and I do run slowly and I said something about being done running and she said, "I was still waiting for the running to start."

That really bugged me until I realized it was sort of a compliment that she felt comfortable enough with me to joke around, even though it is something that hurt my feelings (briefly).

I used to be extremely over sensitive, not meaning that you are, but at my advanced age I've finally realized that I can't stop people from saying whatever the heck they want to say and usually they don't mean any harm. I just ignore them and smile like the Mona Lisa, 'cause I know who I am and I know my own worth.

That is just me.

Sorry you are going through these feelings, but people aren't going to change. Don't give it house room in the brain. It doesn't matter.

Hugs, you are doing great. Congrats on the weight loss! Woot!

06-25-2012, 12:35 AM
Venusenvy, I too have been very sensitive to things people say and am sometimes astonished at their "nerve". Over the years, I have learned to stand outside of myself and just notice - what makes me feel uncomfortable, what am I feeling, is it intended to be directly hurtful or just an unintentionally hurtful comment, is there a way I can view it as misguided but not unkind? I have chosen to see people as basically kind but sometimes not fully aware.
I am confident enough now (and way old enough) that I almost enjoy awkward moments. When I hear something that has the potential to hurt my feelings, I might even say "Hmmm... Awkward, huh?" with a smile so they know the comment was a zinger but I am not taking it on.
You are so very beautiful that people may not view you on the same plane as those who are only human : )
Don't let anyone stop you from being as capable and beautiful and healthy as you can be!

06-25-2012, 08:12 PM
Thank you everyone for responding, I feel a little better knowing that I am not imagining these things. I guess it comes down to me not being so sensitive to my surroundings lol which has always been a struggle for me. Outside influences have always weighed heavily on my feelings and emotions (no pun intended). I thank you greatly for your kind words. :D

06-25-2012, 11:06 PM
Thank you everyone for responding, I feel a little better knowing that I am not imagining these things. I guess it comes down to me not being so sensitive to my surroundings lol which has always been a struggle for me. Outside influences have always weighed heavily on my feelings and emotions (no pun intended). I thank you greatly for your kind words. :D

First off, I am glad that you already received so many supportive replies! The people on here are so wonderful! Despite that it still amazes me what people will do or say to each other. I have always been waaaaaay to sensitive and got my feelings hurt all the time. I still do sometimes...but one thing that I really learned and took to heart is that what they say is THEIR deal NOT a reflection of have this amazing choice, you can choose not to take it personally. Like I said before, it is tough and I still struggle with it at times but slowly this has helped me overcome so many things. People can and will say whatever they want, but just because they say it doesn't make it true. What matters most is how you feel about yourself and you can choose to be positive and loving to yourself at all times. :) Remember that you are awesome and can be in complete control of your emotions and thoughts. So next time someone says something that stings, take a breath and remember how awesome you are, how much you love yourself and how much you are going to accomplish.

06-25-2012, 11:36 PM
Look, there's nothing mean there. I agree with this:

I have chosen to see people as basically kind but sometimes not fully aware.

It may not be what you want to hear best hear in the moment. But I'm also not reading you TEACHING people how to treat you. I am hearing you taking it on board just like it's your baggage to hold no matter what.

Pick and choose your baggage and when you feel like holding it.

Learn QTIP -- (Q)uit (T)aking (I)t (P)ersonally.

For example...

his response was "i'm sorry, I am not used to walking this slow".

How is this mean? He's not used to it. That's all. Don't read more into that. He came for a walk -- his ACTIONS are supportive. His words did not sound mean on purpose.

So is it him being out ta get ya or you taking baggage on board just because? And not bothering to check the name tag first to see if that one is really YOURS? Maybe you have a full plate on baggage and don't feel like adding more. So don't!

But if how he said it bugs ya respond in the moment with humor.

"Yah, you can be my next goal then. But for now, slower, dude! And next time just stop at "Sorry" cuz I THOUGHT I was going faster than before so don't rain on my parade, Mr Speedy. Haha. Just wait... I'll catch you!"

No mean back at him, just a gentle "reset" or "food for thought" and everyone taking it in stride with good humor roomies are pals banter.

Ditto your other stuff. QTIP, check name tag on perceived baggage, don't just carry everything automatically. Shoot, even if it HAS your name tag you can choose to abandon and let go because you are too full!

YOU pick the baggage you want to hold when. :D


06-28-2012, 05:03 PM
I know I am a very slow walker, I can tell when walking with other people my own age and it always makes me self-conscious. Luckily I'm also somewhat shorter than many people that I walk with and so if I need to slow down I just say "sorry, I have short legs". Maybe they know the real reason, or maybe they don't, but since my height is definitely something that's not my fault I feel okay bringing it up.

Regarding insensitive comments, I've experienced so many. Just the other day I was hanging out with a friend I hadn't seen for a while and she was saying that someone she knew was losing weight after his divorce. She then said that maybe if he had tried losing weight before the divorce, he wouldn't have gotten divorced. For a second I thought, does she think my happily married husband should divorce me because I've gained weight? But I had so much other evidence that she didn't think that, that I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and just forget about it.

I think it is easy when one is nervous or insecure not to give the other person the benefit of the doubt that they didn't mean anything unkind. Human interactions are complicated and very often messages are received that were not intended to be sent. The most fair thing to do, I think, is to see each comment in the context of the bigger picture of your interactions with this person; the fact that you noticed and were surprised by this particular comment of your friend suggests that you largely believe him to be a good friend. I would stick with that feeling, because it's based on a lot more interactions than just one comment.