I was at my parents' house yesterday with my 2 little ones, visiting. They live about 3 miles from me so I see them all the time, plus I work at the same school as my mom. Anyway, I mention to her that I'm less than a pound away from my pre-pregnancy weight (exciting, yay!). She's always supportive of whatever I do, and very encouraging. She says wow that's awesome etc. Then says something like "so you're done now right?". Now, my mom is tiny, 5'2" and maybe 120. She's seen me much smaller, so I think she must have mom goggles on or something. I told her, no, I have about 60 more pounds to lose. She literally gasps. I told her that it sounds like more than it is and that I'm still considered obese. She just keeps shaking her head and saying no way, no way, you look great, you don't need to lose anymore.
It's just weird! My sister, who lives with her, is 5'2" and MAYBE 100 pounds. My brother is 6'2" and probably around 140. 150 TOPS, plus she is small. Can she really not see that I'm still very overweight? My mom isn't the kind who would go on and on about something just to make you feel better, she's tactful, but wouldn't blow smoke, ya know? I told her that I am about 45 pounds heavier than I was when I got married, and she seemed to think I was exaggerating. I'm thinking sometimes people in your life just don't see you the way you are? It's not like I have 10 vanity lbs left, I still have a smidge over 8 pounds before I'm no longer obese according to BMI.
I've had heavier friends tell me things like that, and actually express a sort of anger in regards to me wanting to lose more. I feel that comes from a different place than the instance above.
Anyone else experience this? People honestly thinking you look perfect already, but still have a lot left to lose?
I look smaller than what I weigh, so the issue could be that! It's a compliment, of sorts, I suppose.
It can also be that if you were overweight for a long time, any significant weight loss, even if it isn't to your ideal weight range, looks like you've lost a lot -- so people may think you can't possibly lose any more if you've lost that much already.
I'm a mom... and, I have a daughter who struggles with her weight like I do... when she is successful... I try to support her as best I can... and tell her that she looks great... because... well.... she does! I guess I emphasize that point, rather than the fact that she could stand to lose more.
YES YES YES!! My mom is the same way. The last few weeks she keeps calling me skinny. LOL 5'2" and 217 pounds is about 100 pounds more than skinny. LOL
She asked how much more I was going to lose and when I told her 80 pounds I got the same gasp, jawdropping reaction and then.. 'That won't look good on you.' LOL
Now 10 years ago when I was at 196, and when I was a teenager at 150, she knew I needed to lose weight then, but now at 217 I'm 'skinny'.
I think people that are in our daily lives just get used to seeing us a certain way. So their view of normal for us is not the same as for others, if that makes any sense. I think another part of it is her trying to make me feel good, probably the same for your mom.
I was just saying on another post recently how my own weightloss is really an eye-opening experience on human behavior... and how others around us react and change as we change.
Mum goggles - that's hitting the nail on the head I think.
When I was in my late teens I went from 165lbs to 140lbs, at 5'6, and my mum was convinced I was developing anorexia. I still had a fair amount of fat on me and didn't in any way look ill.
Mums will be mums, but the one (kind of sad) piece of advice I have is to talk about it as little as possible. The less I engage with my mum about weight, the better for both of us.
The thing is that my mum - like I'm sure yours is - is very supportive and not at all a "saboteur". This just happens to be one area where I find it easier to keep her a bit in the dark.
Well done on getting so far towards your goal, and keep going to what feels right for you!
I just went through the same thing with both of my parents... I'm about 10 pounds over the highest reccomended weight for my height, but still have about 20-30 pounds to go before I'm going to be finished, because I have a really small frame. Trying to explain that to them was like talking to a wall, lol. Like you, my mom is not heavy. She's at least 3 inches taller than me and 30 pounds lighter than me, lol, but that doesn't seem to make a difference... Sometimes you just have to smile and nod...
My coworkers keep calling me "slim" and "skinny." And I still have 21 lbs to go. If I say that, then they are like "that's crazy." You're at the right weight now." But I know what I look like at 160. And once I get to 160, I will likely try to get to 150. Because I think this is my true weight, and what I feel best at, although it's been a long time since then. I agree that it seems like people get used to seeing you a certain way, and it's different for them, and so then maybe uncomfortable, since anything new is uncomfortable. I think your mom just loves you, and doesn't want you to see fault with yourself, so she feels like she's being supportive. We'll give her a pass for that!
I get this too... I got this from my Mom, In laws and sisters 20+ pounds ago. I've been maintaining for awhile and just moved my goal weight down. I haven't mentioned it to anyone because I'm tired of hearing them tell me "I should stay where I Am".
I definitely am not upset at my mom whatsoever, I know she isn't coming from anywhere but a good place with her comments. It just fascinates me that people can see you so much differently than you see yourself.
I've had several co-workers tell me I'm getting too thin, which is objectively not true. I'm still technically overweight for my height and am just starting to wear a "medium" in clothes. But, as many posters have said, they've known me for years as being heavy so their perception of me is a bit skewed. And I think that most people would be shocked to know how heavy I'd gotten and how many pounds I needed to lose.
I just tell people I want to lose a little more so I can wear a size 10. That seems to satisfy them. I know they're just being supportive. But it is weird how differently others sometimes see us.
My mom is the same way. She thinks I look great right now. When I told her how much more I needed to lose, she looked concerned. I think it is a case of not realizing what extra weight really looks like. So a couple of months ago when I said I needed to lose over 30 more pounds, she just couldn't see it. She probably pictured this stick figure walking around formerly known as her daughter. I don't worry about it. She'll get it when I get to goal. Sounds like your mom is in your corner.
My mom and friends are the same way. I've lost approximately 75-80 pounds (depending on the day...haha), but still feel like I have at least another 20 pounds to go. They are all pretty impressed with the pounds lost, but when I mention that I still have a way to go, that's when the "you're done, right?" talk comes up. But I figure, they have all known and loved me at my highest and I'm sure the difference in size is a lot more noticeable and crazy to them and can be kind of overwhelming.
I just have to keep telling myself that they only mean the best for me and that they will be cheering me on throughout the remainder of my journey no matter what.
Also remember that people have a difficult time judging weight to shape differences - what does 20 or 80 pounds LOOk like? We even have a hard time doing this with ourselves.
So they hear this big number, after already seeing how much we have changed, and can't fathom what additional changes would look like. Some of it may be them or us being used to looking a certain way, but I think a fair bit of it is the genuine difficulty in guessing how weight will come off a body and what we will look like with it gone.
I think also that they are so used to seeing us "bigger" that when we do lose some weight it's kind of bizzare to their brains and can't process us smaller just because they've had that vision of one for so long. It's like when you first see someone with a new haircut or color at first it's like "woah! That's different..." not that it's bad. Just my two cents
"You're done now, right?"
