Pregnant - Nursing - Down Syndrome. What would you do?




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lovemydoggiesx2
05-09-2012, 08:29 AM
I am infertile, have PCOS, have done every treatment in the book to have a child and it hasnīt work. My husband and I are desperate, but because of our situation (army) we are currently not in the position for a typical adoption.

My SIL (Husbands brother and wife) are expecting their second baby. She is 41 years old and 4 months along with a boy. They did an amnio and found that the baby has down syndrome. They are doing one more test and then aborting the pregnancy as 90% of people with Downīs babies do. I have a mentally ******ed sister and am VERY against aborting a baby because it is not perfect.

I sent my brother in law a very nice e-mail with my sympathy and hoping the test was wrong and so on, advising how rewarding a persons with disibilities life can still be, and that if they felt they were unable to take on the respincibility of a special needs child that his brother and I would like to adopt the baby.

I canīt stop thinking about this! I have been crying and it is effecting me so much, that they want to just throw him away because heīs not perfect. I also, understand it is a huge life-long deal and not all people can cope with that commitment. But, My hubby and I can.

Was it wrong to e-mail asking for them to consider letting us have the baby and not to terminate? Should I stay out of it, or push further? I would love to have him.

What would you do?


seagirl
05-09-2012, 08:41 AM
Stay out of it. They are going through a gut-wrenching time. You have made your offer and now all you can do it pray/meditate and offer love without judgment, advice or pressure.

It's ok to be sad, mad, frustrated, angry etc. about this. But that doesn't mean you need to make them aware of what you are feeling. You can feel these things without needing to act on them.

Sakai
05-09-2012, 08:48 AM
Personally I don't think it was wrong for you to e-mail them.
Like you said, it's a life-long thing to care for a special needs child and not everyone could do it. I know I couldn't.
At least you gave them an option other than abortion. So they know there is something else out there. I wouldn't want my child, special needs or not to be sitting around, growing up in a childrens home until adopted.
The only reason I'm able to give up my little girl is because she is going to family. Family I trust and love who I know will give her the life I cannot. Adoption, like abortion, is a very personal choice. Either way they go, the road will be emotionally painful, and just respect whatever choice they make and support them.
Hopefully your Brother-in-law will contact you back with something of an answer sooner rather than later so you don't have to sit around wondering what they are going to do and that could cause you to push for an answer.

hopefully the test is wrong. I know my DF's little brother tested positive for all those Down syndrom tests and he was born 100% normal...if a bit hyper.


sacha
05-09-2012, 08:57 AM
I can't imagine how hard that must be for you to read. Likewise, it is truly a horrific decision for them to make, much moreso than one can imagine.

This was a beautiful blog I read once upon a time, perhaps you could share it. Dr. Sears also has a child with down syndrome and has excellent material about what life is like with their wonderful boy.

http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html

blueice10
05-09-2012, 09:11 AM
I say if they have not contacted you in a couple of days contact them again. We are talking about a human life here. How anyone could kill their own child is beyond me! The little boy of theirs has a right to live as much as you or I.
I know a lot of people think it is okay to abort a baby, I am NOT one of those people. Fight for him!

irishcanary
05-09-2012, 09:18 AM
I think you are right. They don't want the child, you want a child and could provide loving care for it, then i think its okay for you to approach them.

4star
05-09-2012, 09:19 AM
Well, I have never been in that situation so I can't say for sure but it must be so hard. It was incredibly kind and considerate for you to offer and I hope that adoption will be the option they choose for all of you. These tests aren't always correct and almost everyone knows someone who was told their child would be terribly disabled to find they had an average person without Downs.

If the child is born and they change their minds and decide to raise it instead of adopting him out to you, what will that do to your family relationships?

I think you have to try to separate the 2 issues in your mind. You want any child you can hold and love, she can't handle having a special needs child. It seems like the perfect solution but this must be so devastatingly hard for her to consider any of that, what seems like a perfect solution might not appear so to her. Either way, she mourns what might have been. Adoption is wonderful and I hope it works out that way but please consider, no matter what, she's on the losing end and please afford her the compassion a woman would need at this time. I know she's your sister and we tend to be harder on our own family, but this is the precise time that she will need your understanding.

Best of luck to you all! Maybe this will all have a happy ending. :hug:

sacha
05-09-2012, 09:27 AM
One thing to keep in mind though is that having a child with down's does not necessarily equate to a healthy but different child. Congenital heart defects are around 50%, and while the vast majority of down's pregnancies are terminated, it isn't necessarily because they don't want a disabled child but wish to do what they feel is ethical to the fetus, with a severe genetic anomaly.

As I said, I would not do it myself I don't think (who can say if they have not been in that position?) but I think people who choose to do so, do have a very valid reason for their choice.

LeilaJey
05-09-2012, 10:15 AM
I can understand completely where you are coming from, it is difficult to think of a termination because the baby isn't perfect but the health issues could go deeper than that. I also think that it's amazing and very admirable for you to make the offer in the first place and really want to adopt somebody elses baby under the circumstances. My main concern would be long term, what about their guilt over initially wanting to terminate the pregnancy and then watching the child grow up? What if they regret letting you adopt and want him back? Also when she gives birth she might change her mind last minute and decide she wants to keep him. Lots of hormones. It's a difficult situation for sure and I'm sorry you've been having trouble having a baby. I hope you can work something out.

4star
05-09-2012, 10:18 AM
One thing to keep in mind though is that having a child with down's does not necessarily equate to a healthy but different child. Congenital heart defects are around 50%, and while the vast majority of down's pregnancies are terminated, it isn't necessarily because they don't want a disabled child but wish to do what they feel is ethical to the fetus, with a severe genetic anomaly.

As I said, I would not do it myself I don't think (who can say if they have not been in that position?) but I think people who choose to do so, do have a very valid reason for their choice.

I agree. My heart goes out to those women/couples. Life can be so very hard. :(

Gale02
05-09-2012, 04:50 PM
Personally, I am always 100% against abortion in any scenario. I think you've done the right thing, and if pushing or offending saves a human life then it's all worth it.

electrongirl
05-09-2012, 05:02 PM
I am not going to get into a discussion about abortion as people have VERY different opinions about it. But I will say it's their choice and I think you need to respect their choice.

I carry a genetic mutation called Fragile X Syndrome which when passed on it can cause Mental ******ation. My son has it. I had him when I was 18 and I had no idea we carried it in our family. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 2.

I have chosen not to have another child because the chance of me having another Fragile X child is 50%, either as a carrier or having the disorder. I could not do it.

I think you should support them, whatever their decision. I am betting they are going though **** right now and need support, not judgement.

lovemydoggiesx2
05-09-2012, 05:18 PM
I am trying hard not to judge them, not matter the outcome. They and I have VERY differing opinions on abortion. Itīs always been and will continue to be a hot topic. I personally am pro-choice. Abortion for me is wrong in every way, but I feel I could never make the choice for another woman. But, this is my family and I feel like he canīt just be discarded because he is not perfect. He is a life, and in my opinion every life has the right to enrichment. I could love him, and provide him with the life he deserves no matter the severity of the condition.

I also have thought about the impact on the family. What if she changes her mind? How will she deal with watching him grow up, and seeing him at family functions? Will she want him back? Honestly, I feel like if his life can be saved all of these questions are worth the risk, and it is one my husband and I would be willing to take.

From the bottom of my heart, I can say I feel my BIL, and SIL, would and will not continue the pregnancy and turn him over to us. It breaks my heart and I feel like it just wonīt happen. But, regardless of some of the advise you have given I am going to continue to push, and have my hubby and husbands parents talk to their son. I feel like I am the one person advocating for this little guys life, and I will do so until the end. He is my nephew and I love him even if he isnt born yet.

By the way- My husband said I should have waited to contact them until the next test results came back, but I think it is a good idea beforehand so they at least know another option is available. Iīll keep yīall posted, and thanks for the great feedback!

ValRock
05-09-2012, 05:19 PM
I am not going to get into a discussion about abortion as people have VERY different opinions about it. But I will say it's their choice and I think you need to respect their choice.

I carry a genetic mutation called Fragile X Syndrome which when passed on it can cause Mental ******ation. My son has it. I had him when I was 18 and I had no idea we carried it in our family. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 2.

I have chosen not to have another child because the chance of me having another Fragile X child is 50%, either as a carrier or having the disorder. I could not do it.

I think you should support them, whatever their decision. I am betting they are going though **** right now and need support, not judgement.

I agree. Step back and let them handle this in whatever way they feel will help them heal. There is a very large chance, that even if they don't abort, the pregnancy will end itself. The miscarriage and stillbirth rates for Trisomy 21 are very high.

My heart goes out to her. What a difficult thing to have to go through :(.

krampus
05-09-2012, 05:23 PM
It never hurts to ask, but ultimately it is still your SIL's decision and I urge you not to get your hopes up or be too disappointed by whatever choice she makes. She is in a tough place and I hope she realizes that you are, too, and will consider not giving up on her fetus.

berryblondeboys
05-09-2012, 05:24 PM
This is where it is tough... If I were them, I wouldn't have told ANYONE that they were having to face such a decision. It's a very private decision and with you emailing, it makes them feel even more "heart tugged".

It's not that they don't want him. If they didn't want him, they would have terminated long ago. Carrying for a disabled child is LIFE LONG. And you don't know what you are facing. Giving up a baby is not for everyone. They would see him. They would know they gave him away to family and it would be a constant reminder of "was this the right decision". And honestly, how would this play out in the family with dynamics.

But... they already shared. You already shared - damage is already done. if they terminate, you will have hard feelings. If they let you adopt, that could lead to you feeling resentful. Them feeling left out or resentful.

it's just WAY complicated.

This isn't the time or place to be discussing abortion - I am just thankful that it still is a woman's decision. NO ONE knows what it's like to make such a decision until that situation presents itself and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

And if you want a baby - then adopt. I'm sure there are special needs babies who need a home.

seagirl
05-09-2012, 05:28 PM
My guess is that the more you pressure them and try to get other people to pressure them to do what you want them to do with their life/family/body/baby the more you guarantee that you will be cut out of their life no matter what happens.

Your husband chose to be in the Army, which puts him at a disadvantage for adopting. Why not push him to change his life so that you can adopt through other channels?

Justwant2Bhealthy
05-09-2012, 05:53 PM
I don't think there was any harm in asking ~ many adoptions come out of situations just like this. While none of us can assume what they think or feel either way, they may be touched that you cared that much. You've made them aware your wishes, so I would just wait for their decision.

As for the adoption issue ~ have you considered private adoption? Is that out for you becuz your husband is in the army? I know people who didn't qualify via public adoption, who adopted children through private arrangements. :hug:

ValRock
05-09-2012, 06:08 PM
My husband is in the Navy, we know many military couples who have adopted.

theox
05-09-2012, 10:07 PM
You already put your offer out there. What is "pushing" likely to accomplish other than making their situation more difficult than it is - especially if they end up deciding to abort the fetus anyway?

lovemydoggiesx2
05-10-2012, 05:14 AM
We would like to adopt, but right now it is out. We have 1 more year in Spain, and we are pretty sure we are getting transfered to Turkey next summer, and it is just not enought time. One person suggested my husband quit his job, so we could stay put and adopt, but then how would we pay for a 20k adoption??

Once we we be more settled we would like a adopt an older group of siblings, but for now we are still trying on our own through IVF, as it is most plausable.

I feel like they should have kept this private if they didnīt want the ones they told to become involved. I am not going to push them directly, just make it know as well to my parents in law that another option is being presented. We will see how it plays out. The last thing I want to do it strain relationships. I understand that they are devistated and our mourning for the baby that could have been. But, I also understand that my SIL understood the risk of pregnancy at her age, and went forward with it.

Thanks for the comments, but please no rudeness.

4star
05-10-2012, 08:13 AM
I don't blame you for wanting to adopt the baby. I am very pro-choice for others but very pro-life for me. It's hard to not have a strong reaction when people you love are involved and you want to do something to help. I think it's incredible that you'd open your hearts and home. You guys are obviously very loving and generous.

I really hope things work out well for everyone.

mrslynah
05-10-2012, 12:50 PM
My second child is 6 months old. My first is 8. It's a long story, but, when my first was very young, I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis. I went through several surgeries and was told that my fertility was at risk and that I needed a hysterectomy soon. The physical pain alone is debilitating, never mind the emotional turmoil. My partner at the time did not want another child, and after several years of being engaged, also decided that he did not believe in marriage. After several years, I left.

For the next several years, my condition was getting worse and the surgeries more numerous, leaving scar tissue to further threaten future pregnancies. I was at a cross roads, because I wanted another child more than ANYthing, but I was not in a relationship, and the clock was ticking loudly, though I was only in my mid twenties. I decided to use a sperm donor for artificial insemination. I was beginning the discussion with my doctor when I met my husband.

His ex-wife had left him after being unfaithful. Prior to her unfaithfulness, they had tried to conceive for years. She suffered an ectopic pregnancy and was told that her chances of conceiving were very small. She literally lost it, began a relationship with her female hairdresser, and left her husband. That is what infertility can do.

So, it's all very ironic- what we both went through before finding one another, and how badly we both longed for a baby. My dr started tracking me immediately after our wedding, and she warned me that it could take a long time. One day a couple of months after our wedding, I had an appt and she and I were discussing the fertility medications she would give me at the next appointment. Turns out, I had conceived that very week, and was already pregnant.

When I was 25 weeks pregnant with Charlotte, I went into preterm labor. I dilated to 2-3 cm and was rushed in an ambulance to Sacred Heart Hosptial in another city. They prepared me to have my baby. The neonatologist came in and tried to prepare my husband and I for the condition our less than 2 lb baby would be in. The bones of her ribcage may collapse on her lungs, because they are so weak. At best case scenario, she will live but be severely disabled. Mental ******ation is very likely. Gruesome details. Frightening details.
Miraculously, my cervix CLOSED COMPLETELY. This is unnatural and unexpected. Dr's were in disbelief. I was put on bedrest.
While we were in the hospital, specialists had seen abnormalities on the ultrasounds. New abrnomalities were found just weeks later. It was a roller coaster. One day, baby was perfect, the next, she was potentially disabled.
At 39 weeks 5 days, we delivered a perfect in every way, miracle we had longed for baby girl, Charlotte Bryn.

I didn't mean to go on like this, but I wanted to say that there is no way anyone can understand, unless they have experienced it, what it feels like to sit with a neonatologist and hear the afflictions your baby will have. If I had gone on to have her, we would have had to make a choice, to keep her on machines or to let her go. it would have been play by play, touch and go. But we had to sit there and think about what we would do if we KNEW for a fact that she was mentally and physically disabled. It was NOT about OUR comfort or the ease of raising her. For us, it was about HER SUFFERING. My God, what would you do to save your children from suffering. That is what we had to think about. It is soul-crushing. I do not know what decison we would have made, because we were spared. But I feel very strongly that anyone in this situation must be respected for the cross they bear and for the pain of the decision. Abortion is a harsh word for letting a child go when you know that they will only suffer.

I wish the best for you as well as your family.

sacha
05-10-2012, 01:00 PM
Agreed, it is "ethical termination/loss", I believe.

I have had a "spontaneous abortion" (baby died after having a healthy heartbeat for 3 months) but it was not really abortion. Abortion is a technical term but I don't feel the termination of a disabled fetus can be equated with an unwanted pregnancy.

samcakes
05-10-2012, 02:00 PM
i have worked with mentally handicapped people my whole life, and i have a very hard time accepting what people say when they claim that these kids have a high quality of life. after the parents of these children died, or were unable to care for them anymore they get sent away to live in group homes for the rest of their lives. after the primary caregiver is gone (mom or dad) no one else steps up to the plate.

if this woman is in her 40's, i do think it is a reasonable decision she is making. she will be gone before that child, and the baby will need care for its entire life, i have seen this too many times to count, and i would do the same thing if i was put in her position. even with a supportive family, like i am sure you have, people seldom jump in to be caregiver after the parents are gone.

i dont think it was inappropriate of you to ask about adoption, but i suggest you dont push them to make the decision, i think it will put a lot of strain on your relationship any way it goes. if you adopt the baby, they may resent you for having the strenght to raise their child when they couldnt, and if they abort, you will resent them for taking away an innocent life, when you were willing to adopt.

i hope i am making sense, i do feel very strongly on the matter though, although i know many handicapped people with good lives, i also know many many more that will never have any sort of a life at all. if there was the risk of my child being one of the second group, im sorry, but i wouldnt wish that life on my worst enemy, so i certainly wouldnt put my child through it

Desiderata
05-10-2012, 03:03 PM
I feel like they should have kept this private if they didnīt want the ones they told to become involved.

I understand you have the very best intentions, but consider the possibility that in their devastation, they are simply looking for support/comfort from family.

SensualSiren
05-10-2012, 03:29 PM
If you get other family members on "your side" in this issue, the family will most definitely suffer. I mean, whatever the turnout, this whole family will be demolished. I think it's okay for you to offer to adopt the baby, but you should not push. This is why people lie and say they had a miscarriage when they really had an abortion for a medical reason. It is easy for us to judge from the outside, but the truth is that no one knows what they would do under the circumstances.

Also, not all people who are born with Down's have the same outcome, and this is likely weighing on their minds. I know that most of us have heard parents of children who have some sort of syndrome or "disorder" who worry about what will happen to their children when they die or if something happens to them. I think that we all need to realize that we as a society are too individualistic to provide the optimal life for these individuals. Try imagining this child in a nursing home with underpaid attendants providing him poor care when he reaches middle age. It happens. A lot. Do you think that your SIL could stand that thought? No one knows what the future holds for them, and this is a very real possibility. Unless you have the extensive funds to set up an account for his behalf that would pay for the very best full time care, it is likely that this situation will at some time occur.

You also need to remember that these parents love that baby, and whatever they decide, they will mourn this child like no one who has lost a child can understand. This is a time that they need the love and support of their family, not judgement, especially from everyone at the same time.

Arctic Mama
05-21-2012, 10:27 PM
I think you did a very loving thing, and gave the family an option they may not have considered. I wish you and them the very best, and hopefully this can proceed without an innocent baby losing its' life.

meltaway
05-21-2012, 11:48 PM
I also agree that the label abortion doesn’t really apply here, and I think it’ll be insensitive to the parents to continue using that term, so I won’t in my contribution here. This is such a sensitive topic, so I’m going to try to be as considerate as possible, but I’m going to be quite honest as well, so if anything I say offends you I sincerely apologise.

To be completely honest with you, unlike most of these lovely ladies here I do think it was out of line for you to contact them, especially with information on how rewarding a person’s with disabilities’ life can be. I don’t think they want to ‘throw him away because he’s not perfect.’ I think he’s their child and they love him and they’re in the process of making a very difficult decision and they probably have enough guilt/pain over their heads without and email about how fulfilling a differently abled person’s life can be.

But you’ve already sent the email, (and quite frankly, I think, intruded on their space/time to grieve) so all you can do now is stay completely out of it. I wouldn’t send any more emails or push, or even make comments about how you feel because this situation isn’t about how you feel at all. It’s about how they feel. If they’re trying at age 40, it must mean they really want another child, and I can't possibly imagine the pain they’re going through right now.

I’m terribly sorry for your personal situation and I hope that something works out for you and your family. You’re in my prayers.

Violet73
05-22-2012, 12:31 AM
That's horrible and makes me terribly sad. A friend of mine has a son with Down's syndrome and he is a ray of sunshine! It's a shame so many people abort babies cause they aren't perfect. Thank goodness our parents didn't abort us as nobody is perfect...

I disagree with others about not voicing your opinion and just providing support. This world has gone to **** in a hand basket because of views like this. what a shame... Just because something is legal doesn't make it right. Because someone may have a hard road ahead of them doesn't mean they should terminate a living human being. They might be surprised that the road wasn't bad at all and that they were rewarded with a wonderful soul in their lives.

People aren't disposable. That's all I'm going to say about that as I don't want to argue and NOBODY will change my mind on this issue.

BTW, you are a sweet, loving person wanting to adopt this precious child. I really hope they consider it.

Bridget Jones
05-22-2012, 12:57 AM
I understand you have the very best intentions, but consider the possibility that in their devastation, they are simply looking for support/comfort from family.

To be completely honest with you, unlike most of these lovely ladies here I do think it was out of line for you to contact them, especially with information on how rewarding a person’s with disabilities’ life can be. I don’t think they want to ‘throw him away because he’s not perfect.’ I think he’s their child and they love him and they’re in the process of making a very difficult decision and they probably have enough guilt/pain over their heads without and email about how fulfilling a differently abled person’s life can be.

But you’ve already sent the email, (and quite frankly, I think, intruded on their space/time to grieve) so all you can do now is stay completely out of it. I wouldn’t send any more emails or push, or even make comments about how you feel because this situation isn’t about how you feel at all. It’s about how they feel. If they’re trying at age 40, it must mean they really want another child, and I can't possibly imagine the pain they’re going through right now.

I’m terribly sorry for your personal situation and I hope that something works out for you and your family. You’re in my prayers.

I agree with the above poster, I have to say as kindly as I can, that I think it was a bit selfish for you to email them and basically ask to have their baby when they're in the middle of the most difficult decision of their lives. The best thing would have been to just offer your support and love (which is probably what they were hoping for when they disclosed the issue) without the extra burden attached.

I know this seems like an opportunity for you to solve your own child needs, but really, it's about them and their decision and respecting that. It's not about you.

I also don't see any feasible way where your plan works out, sorry. There are lots of kids who need good homes, seek out adoption when you and your husband have settled and are ready for it. Traveling around with a baby with down's doesn't sound any more reasonable than adoption does.

Pepino
05-22-2012, 01:05 AM
There have been some great posts on both sides of this issue. I have learned a lot. Truly there is no winning scenario.

I'm sorry that I have nothing helpful to give. I was moved by all the posts and this thread made me cry. Such difficult decisions in life...

I think the only thing that I hope we could all agree on, is that it never hurts to increase our capacity for empathy.

lovemydoggiesx2
05-22-2012, 05:52 AM
I thank everyone for their views and posts and since there has been a lot of activity today I thought I would give you an update.

At this time my SIL in still pregnant. She wonīt be given the final results until the end of next week, making her 5 months along with this little boy.

Last week my Hubby (whos in afganistan) me (in Spain) them (in another country) had a skype chat and spoke about all the options together. They advised us that of course they are still uncertain of what they want to do. They are still thinking ĻterminationĻis the best option of them, she also said maybe they will decide to keep him. But, they said letting us adopt him, is being seriously considered in the mix.

I sincerly hope they keep their baby. I know they already love him and are devistated by this. But, I am happy to know if taking on this disabled child is too much for them, that they are considering letting us raise him. She said the hardest part would be to carry the pregnancy to the end and hand him over, that it would be easier to terminate. I understand her feeling this, but I also think mothers are the more selfless people on the planet and do anything they can to do the right things for their children. I hope my SIL does the right thing by this boy.

JoseLo
05-22-2012, 06:19 AM
I would keep it, if I was in that situation. I know that is easy to say when I am not but I think I would. I am considering adoption one day and I would in no way rule out a disabled child.

I think this is because my best friend and flatmate has a brother who has learning disabilities (not DS, other kind). But he is my friend too now, he is just really really cool. And the thing is, he has a part time job, that he was able to get, with the right support. he lives in his own place, with 2 others, supported by a staff team. He has learned to use buses by himself. He often comes out for nights out with me and his sister. He has such a great life, and has acheived so much. I think sometimes people do not want a disabled child because they think that child will have an awful life and never do anything, but in this day and age that is not the case.

While it cannot be denied that parenting a disabled child has even more challenges than usual, it is not without many many rewards; having a child who you love so much, and seeing them happy and successful.

I would suggest get in touch with local organisations and parents, so they can understand more about the realities of life for people with DS, and that it is not all tragic.

The good thing is, if they have a child, you as the grandmother will be SO supportive to them, and love the child so much. This is very clear xxxxxx

Violet73
05-22-2012, 07:29 AM
I thank everyone for their views and posts and since there has been a lot of activity today I thought I would give you an update.

At this time my SIL in still pregnant. She wonīt be given the final results until the end of next week, making her 5 months along with this little boy.

Last week my Hubby (whos in afganistan) me (in Spain) them (in another country) had a skype chat and spoke about all the options together. They advised us that of course they are still uncertain of what they want to do. They are still thinking ĻterminationĻis the best option of them, she also said maybe they will decide to keep him. But, they said letting us adopt him, is being seriously considered in the mix.

I sincerly hope they keep their baby. I know they already love him and are devistated by this. But, I am happy to know if taking on this disabled child is too much for them, that they are considering letting us raise him. She said the hardest part would be to carry the pregnancy to the end and hand him over, that it would be easier to terminate. I understand her feeling this, but I also think mothers are the more selfless people on the planet and do anything they can to do the right things for their children. I hope my SIL does the right thing by this boy.

That's great news!

Years ago, I knew this woman who was told her baby had Down's syndrome when she was pregnant with him. When the baby was born, the baby did not have Down's syndrome or any other problem. She also had an amnio. My sister went through something similar when blood work showed her baby had Edward's syndrome and would die not long after birth. Further tests were inconclusive, but when she delivered him, he was perfect and is now a healthy 12 year old.

Still, with that being said, most results are accurate. I hope your SIL does the right thing also and will give the baby a chance for life.


BTW, can you even terminate a pregnancy this far along? 5 months?

EatMoreCelery
05-22-2012, 08:34 AM
lovemydoggiesx2,

I feel for you but you really need to research what it means to raise a child with Down's Syndrome. It can be all-consuming, very expensive, and a huge strain on a marriage. I know you really would love to have a baby, but perhaps this isn't the best way to start. For sure, adopting a child with Down's is a life changing thing and it will have an impact on you, your marriage, your family, and your future children.

Also, as you say, you and your husband are not yet settled. How then will you provide proper medical care for a baby who will likely need frequent medical attention? As you may know, Down's Syndrome is often accompanied by other serious medical conditions and a greater incidence of infections and illnesses. In addition this child may suffer, which is also something to think about.

I feel for you, but I feel feel for your SIL even more. You've expressed your feelings and made your offer but now it's time to be supportive, no matter what decision is made.

one suggestion~
If at all possible, communicate with family by phone or in person, not by email. With email there is too much chance for misunderstanding and miscommunication.

I typed this before I saw your update but I will keep my reply as it is.

Violet73
05-22-2012, 10:00 AM
lovemydoggiesx2,

I feel for you but you really need to research what it means to raise a child with Down's Syndrome. It can be all-consuming, very expensive, and a huge strain on a marriage. I know you really would love to have a baby, but perhaps this isn't the best way to start. For sure, adopting a child with Down's is a life changing thing and it will have an impact on you, your marriage, your family, and your future children.

Also, as you say, you and your husband are not yet settled. How then will you provide proper medical care for a baby who will likely need frequent medical attention? As you may know, Down's Syndrome is often accompanied by other serious medical conditions and a greater incidence of infections and illnesses. In addition this child may suffer, which is also something to think about.

I feel for you, but I feel feel for your SIL even more. You've expressed your feelings and made your offer but now it's time to be supportive, no matter what decision is made.

one suggestion~
If at all possible, communicate with family by phone or in person, not by email. With email there is too much chance for misunderstanding and miscommunication.

I typed this before I saw your update but I will keep my reply as it is.

I'm not the OP, but I wanted to point out some things she has said. She has a mentally disabled sister so she knows what she is getting into.

Also, they are communicating by Skype. You may not know what that is, but it's face-to-face communication through the computer where they actually see each other as they are talking to each other.

nelie
05-22-2012, 10:24 AM
I'm not the OP, but I wanted to point out some things she has said. She has a mentally disabled sister so she knows what she is getting into.


A mentally disabled sister is not the same as a child that will possibly need multiple surgeries throughout their life. The child may also not survive the first year. I know a 6 year old Down Syndrome child and yes his parents love him but they have also almost lost him multiple times and he has had many surgeries. Luckily, they have good health insurance as well as good family support (2 full time caretakers for the child, mother and grandmother) but it is heart wrenching for them.

I also have a friend who has a younger Down Syndrome child and similar difficulties but it also put a great strain on her marriage and her husband and her recently split. It isn't the child's fault and who knows if they would've split otherwise but it happened. Luckily, she was able to move in with her parents as well and they are helping take care of her child along with her.

It is just good to be prepared if you don't happen to be aware of a specific condition and think it may just be a disability when it is a serious medical condition caused by a chromosomal defect. Most fetuses don't survive with chromosomal defects, Down Syndrome is one of the rare cases where you see survival after childbirth.

Violet73
05-22-2012, 11:03 AM
A mentally disabled sister is not the same as a child that will possibly need multiple surgeries throughout their life. The child may also not survive the first year. I know a 6 year old Down Syndrome child and yes his parents love him but they have also almost lost him multiple times and he has had many surgeries. Luckily, they have good health insurance as well as good family support (2 full time caretakers for the child, mother and grandmother) but it is heart wrenching for them.

I also have a friend who has a younger Down Syndrome child and similar difficulties but it also put a great strain on her marriage and her husband and her recently split. It isn't the child's fault and who knows if they would've split otherwise but it happened. Luckily, she was able to move in with her parents as well and they are helping take care of her child along with her.

It is just good to be prepared if you don't happen to be aware of a specific condition and think it may just be a disability when it is a serious medical condition caused by a chromosomal defect. Most fetuses don't survive with chromosomal defects, Down Syndrome is one of the rare cases where you see survival after childbirth.

I understand what all is involved and I'm sure the OP does too. Also, she is wanting to save a LIFE!!!! That is extremely important. You can't live your life on "what ifs". You do need to research everything in advance. However, when it comes to saving a life, I wouldn't hesitate. I would always choose the rough road over termination. Actually, the road may not be rough. They are very loving kids with bright smiles and will actually make YOU a better person. I would never look at that child as a burden.

My friend's son has Down's syndrome and they get assistance from the government along with having their own medical insurance and that helps them out. Even kids with learning disabilities can qualify for assistance.

Also, you can have a "normal" child that will later have medical issues that you weren't prepared for. That is life and life is about taking care of each other, especially the innocent children...

EatMoreCelery
05-22-2012, 11:17 AM
I'm not the OP, but I wanted to point out some things she has said. She has a mentally disabled sister so she knows what she is getting into.

Also, they are communicating by Skype. You may not know what that is, but it's face-to-face communication through the computer where they actually see each other as they are talking to each other.

I am aware that she has a mentally disabled sister. Not comparable.
I am also aware of what Skype is. As my post read, I replied before her update.

I feel for everyone involved. There is no easy answer here.

nelie
05-22-2012, 11:17 AM
I would always choose the rough road over termination.

I'd just say it isn't your choice (or the OPs choice) on what a mother chooses. I just think someone should be prepared to know what they are facing, whether it is someone adopting or finds out they are pregnant with a Down syndrome child. I think a little compassion goes a long way because it is a tough decision to make for a pregnant mother.

krampus
05-22-2012, 11:42 AM
Most people with Down syndrome die of heart complications before age 50. It's a lifetime of uphill health struggles and it is very possible parents will outlive their child. That's hard, too.

Violet73
05-22-2012, 11:44 AM
I'm not sure what happened with my last post, but I'm signing out of this thread. I will always be Pro-Life, no matter what. I will never play God and decide who should and shouldn't live.

I wish the OP good luck and will pray for her and her family.