Weight Loss Support - Husband not being supportive




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redvelouria
05-08-2012, 02:53 AM
I'm having problems with my man. I decided that I need to cut down on meat/dairy and focus on eating more fruits, veggies and other healthier carbs/fats. I came to this decision when I looked at my BMI and found that I was getting closer and closer to obese. On my current diet, I was eating lots of unhealthy fats, meats, sugar and baked goods, but working out a lot too and still slowly gaining weight. My intention, which he is well aware of, is to start cutting down on meat and dairy to 4 meals per week and eventually just have them on special occasions, as in once a month or less.

Unfortunately, he's having a freakout and does not want me to become a vegetarian or vegan. In the past, I said I'd never stop eating meat or butter or chocolate. I've learned from the mistake of saying "never" because now I don't eat any of those things on a daily basis like I used to. I can't in good conscience say that I'll never become a veggie or vegan. Which is exactly what is causing him to freak.

I feel he's being unsupportive of my decision to eat healthier and redefine what makes a good meal. He was a vegetarian once and feels he has the right to say that vegetarianism is BS.

I'm not fishing for any support on my side of the argument, I'm just hoping for support that I'm doing the correct and healthy thing for myself. Basically the support that my man should be giving, but isn't for some F-ed up reason. Relationships are hard!!! :mad:


ValRock
05-08-2012, 02:56 AM
Why do your eating habits effect him? I guess it's hard to say what his reaction is about without knowing what's making him feel so strongly about it.

Candeka
05-08-2012, 02:57 AM
As long as he is still allowed to eat those things whenever he wants (aka eating them in front of you on days you arn't eating those things)... then he should just be quiet and let you do your own thing. If he doesn't support you, that's fine as its very hard to verbally support someone when they are doing something you completely disagree with. But he should at least just keep his mouth shut and tell you "whatever floats your boat!"


redvelouria
05-08-2012, 03:15 AM
Why do your eating habits effect him? I guess it's hard to say what his reaction is about without knowing what's making him feel so strongly about it.

He likes cooking meals for the two of us. He's frustrated that he'll be doing his cooking solo sometimes. A man with an ego about his cooking is sometimes not a fun thing.

redvelouria
05-08-2012, 03:17 AM
As long as he is still allowed to eat those things whenever he wants (aka eating them in front of you on days you arn't eating those things)... then he should just be quiet and let you do your own thing.

Totally not opposed to him eating meat or whatever. We just went grocery shopping and he got all the stuff he wanted.

ValRock
05-08-2012, 03:40 AM
He likes cooking meals for the two of us. He's frustrated that he'll be doing his cooking solo sometimes. A man with an ego about his cooking is sometimes not a fun thing.

If that's the case, I totally understand where he's coming from. In his eyes, you're taking away something he enjoys doing for you. Men are touchy creatures, at times. He probably feels hurt and rejected.

I hope you two are able to work it out.

nelie
05-08-2012, 06:49 AM
I lost my taste for meat 5 or 6 years ago. It didn't start as a conscious decision but when I focused a lot on veggies,it seemed to happen. My husband was supportive but also concerned so I had to show him that I could be healthy and not eat meat. Yours is a little different because your husband was vegetarian.

TexaninItaly
05-08-2012, 06:59 AM
I hope things are better between you two now. My husband tries to eat healthy, but he has no problem eating something yummy in front of me when I can't have it. :(

Lunula
05-08-2012, 08:54 AM
You know, he may also be freaked out because he is worried about what it says about him, not you. Does he need to lose some weight, too? Perhaps it's just a knee-jerk reaction of not wanting to face that about himself right now, or he's worried that you view him as needing to lose weight, too. When my DH decided to get healthy - he started running and eating much better; it was difficult at times not to take it personally, as his habits were radically different in a very short amount of time.

I needed to lose a lot more than him, so hearing him say, "I really need to stop eating pizza and cut down my portion sizes by 10! No more eating out!" - I felt like he was saying, "Oh my GOD you're so fat! Stop eating so much pizza! Stop eating such huge portions and don't YOU eat out every meal!" True, that may have been a component of his arguments, but it really was more about him and not me - but when you're married, living together, eating together and following the same habits, when the other person wants to radically change all that, well, it affects the other spouse, too.

So is he hearing you say, "YOU are fat. YOU need to stop eating so much meat! You need to eat less dairy. You need to eat more fruit and veggies and YOU need to start exercising!"? He may be scared you're trying to change him, telling him he's unattractive, that you are trying to better yourself so you can find someone new, etc.

Honestly, I was very very sensitive about my weight, so any comment he made about himself I took personally. It wasn't that I was trying to be unsupportive, I just felt hurt because I felt it was being directed at me, and I was scared because I wasn't ready to make those changes yet and I was insecure, so I immediately assumed the worst (i.e., he is going to leave me); even after 15 years of marriage!

Once he just started living the way he wanted to live and stopped talking about it all the time, things got easier for me and actually inspired me to take action of my own. Now, we live much much more harmoniously and have very similar eating/exercise habits!

JossFit
05-08-2012, 09:09 AM
Have you sat down with him and had an honest open discussion about the situation? Is he aware of the reasons that you want to make these changes? If you're unhappy, he should be supportive of you trying to take healthy measures to get happy again.

Perhaps you can compromise on the dinner issue... does it matter what he cooks? Surely one meatless meal per day wouldn't hurt him, and it would actually probably bring you closer for you to see him demonstrate his support in that way. (And we all know a happy wife generally makes for a happier husband! ;))

pointspluspioneer
05-08-2012, 10:09 AM
My bf isn't the most supportive, he likes to have a good time and ALWAYS eats what he wants. He doesn't push foods on me but has no problems eating them in front of me. I had to ask him to not buy candy and leave around the house (i'm on ww) as it's too hard with it around not to eat it. He has weight to lose and claims he's starting this week with me but overally i understand what you're going through. It's tough, i always feel alone when it comes to eating meals!

But i want to be alot thinner and healthier so i removed myself from his bad habits ;)

astrophe
05-08-2012, 10:20 AM
He likes cooking meals for the two of us. He's frustrated that he'll be doing his cooking solo sometimes. A man with an ego about his cooking is sometimes not a fun thing.


This is silly. He is choosing his own misery and taking it out on you.

He could be all "Man! She doesn't love my Specialty Cow Beast any more, waaaaah!"

or could choose to be

"Alright. I'm still making Cow Beast. But she's needing X too. Here's Chef Man's chance to shine at creating the new masterpiece -- Cow Beast Pal Veggie casserole! (But without the cow beast in it). Heh heh. I am STILL the rockin' Kitchen Commander! No challenge can defeat me. Muahahaha!"

You are doing a diet change thing to improve your BMI. But what if your diet had to change for diabetes, or cancer or heart condition or.... would he be acting all like this?

A.

redvelouria
05-08-2012, 11:09 AM
You know, he may also be freaked out because he is worried about what it says about him, not you. Does he need to lose some weight, too? Perhaps it's just a knee-jerk reaction of not wanting to face that about himself right now, or he's worried that you view him as needing to lose weight, too.

That's exactly what I thought too - he does need to lose weight. He knows he needs to lose weight and quit smoking (high blood pressure and heart attacks are common in his family). I think he doesn't want to be left behind!

Once he just started living the way he wanted to live and stopped talking about it all the time, things got easier for me and actually inspired me to take action of my own. Now, we live much much more harmoniously and have very similar eating/exercise habits!

I hope he can come to this conclusion too - I'd like him to be at peace with his choice to be healthier.

redvelouria
05-08-2012, 11:16 AM
Have you sat down with him and had an honest open discussion about the situation? Is he aware of the reasons that you want to make these changes? If you're unhappy, he should be supportive of you trying to take healthy measures to get happy again.

Perhaps you can compromise on the dinner issue... does it matter what he cooks? Surely one meatless meal per day wouldn't hurt him, and it would actually probably bring you closer for you to see him demonstrate his support in that way. (And we all know a happy wife generally makes for a happier husband! ;))

When I kept asking him what's wrong, he finally said that he wanted a compromise. We're still working out the details, but you were close to the mark Joss! Also, I couldn't agree more - a happy wife = a happy husband :)

This is silly. He is choosing his own misery and taking it out on you.

He could be all "Man! She doesn't love my Specialty Cow Beast any more, waaaaah!"

or could choose to be

"Alright. I'm still making Cow Beast. But she's needing X too. Here's Chef Man's chance to shine at creating the new masterpiece -- Cow Beast Pal Veggie casserole! (But without the cow beast in it). Heh heh. I am STILL the rockin' Kitchen Commander! No challenge can defeat me. Muahahaha!"

You are doing a diet change thing to improve your BMI. But what if your diet had to change for diabetes, or cancer or heart condition or.... would he be acting all like this?

A.

Actually, he's pre-diabetic too. Basically, I'm very worried about him and that's causing me to take serious action. He is a huge procrastinator with very low willpower (this is how he describes himself too, so I'm really not picking on him!) I really hope he can choose to start creating veggie meals that stroke his ego too...and he is being a sensitive silly man right now. I'll try to encourage him in that direction, thanks Astrophe!

beachlover86
05-08-2012, 01:23 PM
Just my advice coming from a vegetarian with a meat eating boyfriend who likes to cook. Often he'll make the main part with out meat, and then cook his meat separate and I cook my veggie protein or he does and then we each add together. Like pasta you can make the sauce and add meat to his after. I hope that makes sense.

Also... He seems to love the challenge of taking his favorite meat meal and trying to replicate it for me. We've actually made some awesome veggie substitute dishes that he ends up eating cause not much difference.

Good luck and hope y'all come up with a solution!

krampus
05-08-2012, 01:36 PM
It's stupid (but happens all the time!) that something as seemingly simple as eating food can cause stress in relationships and friendships! I think Lunula hit it on the head - he may feel you're leaving him behind in your quest for better health. A lot of people have to struggle and fight with their egos when it comes to nutrition and things like that. Heck I remember getting REALLY ANNOYED when people touted the importance of eating more protein and lifting weights, as if it was some passive aggressive criticism of what I was doing (not eating much protein and lifting nothing heavier than a full fork).

It's not you, it's him. I hope you can keep communication open and free and come to a peace treaty of sorts. He may need reassurance that you're not rejecting him, you're rejecting meat.

lin43
05-08-2012, 05:25 PM
He likes cooking meals for the two of us. He's frustrated that he'll be doing his cooking solo sometimes. A man with an ego about his cooking is sometimes not a fun thing.

My husband likes cooking as well. However, that is one of the sacrifices I realized that I would have to make in order to make this a lifestyle change. I occassionally still eat his cooking, but he fries things and makes cream sauces, so if I ate that regularly, I would not be able to keep my weight down for long. Besides, frankly, I would rather have a lighter dinner with some chocolate afterwards than a fattening dinner without any dessert (he's the opposite). It is an adjustment, but I've been firm with him about it. I use the analogy of a restaurant: Just the other day when he griped about us "never eating the same meals anymore," I said, "Just think: It's just as if we were in a restaurant ordering our own dishes. It doesn't bother you then, so it shouldn't bother you now." Oh, yeah, I added this: "But of course, you're welcome to have what I'm having."

I'll admit that I am the compromise queen, but this time around, I refuse to give in.

luckystreak
05-08-2012, 07:11 PM
I dont think this is about the vegetables.. I think he just feels threatened of the huge change in your life. Men like stability, and maybe he just doesn't want to feel like he doesn't know you anymore. I find this so common with men and their dieting wives.

Murrishmo
05-08-2012, 07:20 PM
Well why can't he just get a smaller portion of meat, and you can do a meat free alternative? I used to work in health food stores and pretty much anything you can think of doing with meat there is a meat-free alternative product. If those don't fit your diet, you can treat vegetables in the same way as meat often. He should be supporting you. Maybe his unsupportive behavior (which judging by this post, I don't know both sides of course) is related to some other insecurity he has. Maybe he's worried or jealous if you lose weight you will leave him for another man? Maybe he likes bigger women? Maybe he feels like he needs to eat better and your eating healthy reminds him of his flaws? It just sounds like a deeper issue to me, maybe you could gently try to coax it out of him?