General chatter - On the verge of being rejected?




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Nadya
05-05-2012, 11:20 AM
I messaged someone on a dating site about a week ago and got a response. We talked a little and then he gave me his number and said to text him. Since then, we've been texting pretty regularly and even spent most of two or three nights doing nothing but talking. I said good morning to him two days in a row and then the next two he said good morning to me which I thought was really sweet of him.

He opened up to me and I found myself really attracted to him. We met yesterday under not quite ideal circumstances but the impression I have of him is that he's a nice, genuine, intelligent, sweet guy. He's so soft-spoken and gentle and I love that about him. We met because I offered to give him a hand with something - he didn't ask but I wanted to so he reluctantly accepted. I let him know I was a little nervous and he insisted that he's a quiet, reserved person and he had no intention of taking off afterward so I took a chance.

We were supposed to go to a festival today but I was never able to lock in any sure plans for when we'd go, if at all. He was in a wreck recently so he has no car, he just started a new job and has work from 2:00 to 8:00, and he's in kind of a rough spot. He has anxiety so I imagine he's nervous a good portion of the time so I'm trying to be considerate since I have anxiety myself. The thing is, the last guy I tried to get involved with brushed me off a lot so now I'm afraid this guy is doing the same thing. He has said, numerous times, that he doesn't like excluding people because he knows how it feels so I keep telling myself that the two aren't the same, they're different people. But I'm still scared and upset and I feel like the problem is me at times. :(

I didn't want him to think that I'm pitching a fit over the festival so I said good morning just like any other day. I figure since he has work at 2:00, he'll be up by 12:00 or 12:30, depending on how he slept last night (he has trouble sleeping), but I'm still scared I won't hear from him again. It feels like I've been rejected so many times this past year, sometimes I feel like giving up and my anxiety just keeps flaring up over the uncertainty of it all. :(

Do you think he's just in a tough spot right now and is struggling? Or do you think he's backing off after we met? :(


inglesita64
05-05-2012, 02:09 PM
You say that you met because you wanted to, and that he was a bit reluctant. After that, he did not answer a text message, right? If he is in a new job, has been in a wreck, has anxiety issues, does not sleep well and has just seen you for the first time though maybe it was too soon for him, I would let things cool down a little. Maybe he is a bit overwhelmed by so many things happening TO him... Let him take the iniciative and give him time to relax and sort things out a little. We ladies are sometimes so eager to make things happen, that we go too quickly. Just wait, don't push, and let him know you are there for him.
I hope everything turns out well! Good luck!

Nadya
05-05-2012, 02:30 PM
He was reluctant to meet that way because I was offering to help him. He needed to be somewhere really badly but has no car because of the wreck he was in last week. We'd been talking for about a week but hadn't met yet. Even still, I felt like he was a good person and the amount of trouble he was going to be in if he didn't make his appointment was really high so I took a chance and offered to drive him. He didn't feel right asking but he was kind of stuck in a bad place and had no choice but to accept my offer or suffer. He also felt bad that it meant I would miss class so I said I'd take him earlier so I could get him there and get back to school on time. I ended up missing anyways because we got lost but I assured him that it would be okay.

I texted him about an hour and a half later asking if everything was going okay because I knew he also needed a ride to work and I was hoping his had come through for him. He said, "Yes thanks to you did you make it ok" because I was worried I'd get lost on my way back home. I told him I made it fine and he said "That's great". The rest of the day he was largely quiet because he was at work so obviously he was preoccupied. We didn't talk much that night either, he was silent most of the time. All I really got from him was that his day was "very long" and "rough".

I'm perfectly fine with relaxing and letting him breathe, I'm just afraid that he saw me and decided I was ugly or something. :(


sacha
05-05-2012, 02:47 PM
If you only met a week ago then he probably thinks you are coming off too strong. If he "reluctantly" accepted your offer to help him with something, I would take that as a sign you are moving too fast. Daily contact and you only met in person yesterday, slow down hunny :)

Let him take you out on a date. Let him court you. Right now, you are making all the plans & leading. Let him lead, if he is interested he will do so. Yes, equality and all that but it's okay to be old fashioned. He may think you are getting way too invested too soon and that might freak him out.

I would probably can the texting - you see, texting contact can give you the impression that someone is more intrested than they might be, it's bare minimum effort but can be read into too much.

And I say that as someone who met & married a guy from online dating.

Nadya
05-05-2012, 03:15 PM
Do you think I've done too much damage if I texted again on someone else's advice? :( I just sent one saying that I know he's about to go to work but he seemed tense last night and I hope he's okay but if he needs to talk I'm around. I won't text anymore after that, I probably pushed him away huh? :(

I'm gonna turn my phone off. :(


EDIT: Although, a few days ago, when I asked him, "Does anything help with your anxiety?" his first answer was counting and then he immediately said, "You". I thought I was going the right way. :(

MusicalAstronaut
05-05-2012, 04:28 PM
When you're doing online dating, you should try to not get very attached very early to the person. There are SO many people and with online dating, it's easy to meet a ton of people in a short amount of time. I'll go on a few dates with the same guy and spent a lot of time talking with him to know whether or not I really like him. Guys do it too. Sometimes if he doesn't like you he'll be upfront and honest (I try to do this), and sometimes he'll just drop off the radar. Maybe he just isn't feeling it. But the main thing to remember is that there are so many people out there to meet, and you're only hurting yourself if you get really attached after a couple of dates and he doesn't seem to be going out of his way to see you. Someone who wants to be with you will work hard to see you!

sacha
05-05-2012, 04:40 PM
Do you think I've done too much damage if I texted again on someone else's advice? :( I just sent one saying that I know he's about to go to work but he seemed tense last night and I hope he's okay but if he needs to talk I'm around. I won't text anymore after that, I probably pushed him away huh? :(

I'm gonna turn my phone off. :(


EDIT: Although, a few days ago, when I asked him, "Does anything help with your anxiety?" his first answer was counting and then he immediately said, "You". I thought I was going the right way. :(

Yes hun... put the phone down!!!

You are really overinvested here. I'm not saying it won't work (hey, people said that about the 1st guy I dated online and I married him LOL) but you could push a totally normal guy away.

Easier said than done but until you've had a few dates with the guy, I wouldn't look ahead. Let him pursue at this point (and be receptive), the ball needs to be in his court.

Exhale15
05-05-2012, 05:11 PM
Agreed. You 'love' things about him, but you do not know him. And if he's trying to push you away, GOOD. That means he is not for you. We women (and I am including myself here, with a cringe....) sometimes want things to work so badly that we create meaning and drama that makes a nothing encounter into something. The ability to text and all of this social networking only makes matters worse. We also tend to be 'upset' about brush-offs...our attitude should be 'oh well...' We give over our power....

We especially like to help people who have been quite OK taking care of themselves all their lives...

He may be a good guy, then, again, he may be pulling the wings off flies in his spare time...You really do not know. Stop contacting him; if he calls, take it from there. Clear your mind. Pursue your hobbies and interests and get back to your life. :)

konfyoozed
05-05-2012, 05:31 PM
I would say give him some breathing space and let him do some initiating contact with you, or planning events with you. If he texts you, text him back but don't read too much into it... though some guys are more comfortable with text conversation. My husband (who I met online in 2008 and married in 2011) told me "I love you" for the first time via text message. I wanted to kill him for doing it in text, and at the same time I saved it and could see it whenever I wanted to.

Just try to relax and let things happen... and if this guy does turn out to be uninterested, just remember that you survived your last relationship ending, you'll survive this one ending. Life will go on, and you'll find another frog to kiss and see if he turns into a prince. :)

MariaMaria
05-05-2012, 05:34 PM
You just met him yesterday and you're pushing for more plans today? Breathe and back off.

It's not that "a guy" would be put off by too many texts and someone someone they've just met pushing to spend two days in a row together and in the process fix or make up for what's wrong with his life, it's that most reasonable adults would be.

Nadya
05-05-2012, 05:50 PM
You just met him yesterday and you're pushing for more plans today? Breathe and back off.

It's not that "a guy" would be put off by too many texts and someone someone they've just met pushing to spend two days in a row together and in the process fix or make up for what's wrong with his life, it's that most reasonable adults would be.

We didn't "spend" the day together, I picked him up and dropped him off somewhere. We didn't even spend a full hour in each others' company, it was unplanned and an emergency. It would be no different than referring to bumping into someone on the street as spending the day with them. I woke up at 8:00, I left at 9:30, I got to his place at about 10:00, I dropped him off where he needed to be at 10:50. Less than an hour.

BTW, what I "fixed" in his life needed fixing. It wasn't something he was gonna walk away from without help and he knew it. There is nothing wrong with asking for help, I understand his reluctance to make me drive that far but we both understood that he was in trouble and he knew it. If I didn't help him, he would be in a lot worse of a place right now and I'm not going to allow you to make me feel bad for helping someone. He thanked me nearly half a dozen times, he clearly had no problem with it.

Laifierr
05-05-2012, 06:23 PM
I have done my share of online dating and have had a few years of my life ruined because of it. Be careful with who you meet. Personally, I prefer meeting the person right away instead of holding off. If they don't like you in the first few meetings, or vice versa, then end it. Think of it like interviewing a potential employee. Do they have the characteristics you want as a friend, lover, etc? What is their relationship with their family? If he likes you, even as a friend, then he'll keep talking. If not, then don't worry about. There are lots of people out there, it's just a matter of finding those that fit. :)

I first briefly met my current boyfriend in a Japanese class in college. He was getting tutored to study abroad in Japan. About a year later, I came across his profile on a dating site (for nerds haha) and I sent him a message to ask if we knew each other. We did nerdy group things together. I met his friends, which some of them were my friends from college (who knew?!) and we quickly started dating and have been together almost 3 years since then.

There are good and bad choices to online dating. I was nearly raped for one bad choice I made. I've had thousands of dollars swindled out of me for being too kindhearted because I just wanted to help people. I've had money and other things stolen from me. I was stranded for days in a strange place when I let one of my "friend's" borrow my car. I got involved in drugs and even went so far as to get these "friend's" to sell drugs for me (more money wasted). This all happened 12 years ago.

But I have also met great people online. The last being my boyfriend and love of my life.

There are all kinds of people on the internet. Be choosey. I wish I had.

Exhale15
05-05-2012, 06:26 PM
OK, so you helped him out with something. That's all it was. And he thanked you, as he should. Don't read anything more into it. It doesn't mean that he's going to get invested in a relationship with you. You did a good deed. Leave it at that.

Nadya
05-05-2012, 06:55 PM
OK, so you helped him out with something. That's all it was. And he thanked you, as he should. Don't read anything more into it. It doesn't mean that he's going to get invested in a relationship with you. You did a good deed. Leave it at that.

/sigh

When did I say I was reading into that one solitary event? Does anyone read anymore?

EDIT: I apologize for snapping at you but some of you really aren't listening. I was merely defending what another poster was attacking - I did a good thing regardless of the outcome, I don't see what the point of making me feel bad for it is. This is really coming down to anxiety and past experiences making me feel like crap. And his own words made me think he was interested, he's the one who said to text first, he's the one who said I made him feel better without any poking for such an answer whatsoever, I really thought I was on the right track and was reading him right. But whatever, phone is off, preferably for the rest of the night.


@Laifierr

Thanks for the advice, I usually am pretty choosy. I haven't met many people from that site, in the past 8 or 9 months I've met 3 and this guy has been the best of the bunch. I just find men so confusing anymore, I haven't done much dating, I met my first boyfriend and dated him for almost 4 years. So I suppose I'm learning the ropes a little later than most. =/

sacha
05-05-2012, 07:43 PM
I think what the other girls are trying to say is that you appear to be falling into a 'rescuer'/mother mentality -> if I do things for you, if I rescue you, if I help you, you will like me. You said yourself he was reluctant "but you wanted to"... this, I'm afraid, is trying to push it into something you want rather than allowing for a normal dating relationship to evolve.

Sometimes when we've had long-term relationships, it is hard to shake that perception.

Let him contact you from now on, and let him take you on a proper date (if he's broke and doesn't have a car, coffee & walk in a public park is perfectly fine), but just be wary - sometimes girls fall into a "maternal" role and that is what you are starting to do.

Laifierr
05-06-2012, 01:17 AM
Try to find sites that have your interests, they don't have to be dating. But things that you can actively participate in. "Looking for love" is more like "looking for trouble" in my books. Love will find you when it's the right time.

What are some of your interests? Can you find online groups in your area? When I lived by Portland, OR I joined a bunch of PDX groups for my age group online and then we got together and had outings. It was a great way to meet people. (I am the shyest person in the world, so doing things in a group is usually best... and bring a friend to hide behind if need be).

I have to tell you though, people who use online dating services usually have higher expectations of who the other person is and will often become -- displeased? not quite the word -- unsatisfied?... I have met people where we hit it off great online and then in person I would get completely blown off.

Here is a funny story (not so funny at the time) of one of my first gay encounters (I'm bi, so my first girl encounter). I met this girl online and I thought she was amazing! We talked online a lot for 2-3 months before we finally decided to meet in person. From personal habits, I always arrive early. We were going to meet by the Dance Dance Revolution machine in the arcade at the mall. Since I was early, I decided I'd just play a game. As I'm dancing around I see her and two of her friends come in, but they stay by the door, kind of laughing to themselves. Then the two friends come over and ask me if I am this person, and I say yes. (I'm still dancing with the game) The two girls go back to their friend and they are all smiles. When I finish my game and go to look for this girl I'm supposed to meet, she's gone...

I was a bit heartbroken. I went home and tried to talk to her but she wouldn't respond to my IMs. I emailed her and no response. She was online though... She just ignored me.

I have a low tolerance for people like this, so after a few attempts to figure out what was going on, I gave up on her and blocked her. I really hate people like that.

This is why I find it important to meet people right away so you can get to know the real person. :) It could be that this guy just didn't "dig" the real you. You may never know and you can only press the situation so much.

Btw, I lived in upstate NY for almost a year. Loved it there except for the blizzards in the mountains.

Nadya
05-06-2012, 09:24 AM
I think what the other girls are trying to say is that you appear to be falling into a 'rescuer'/mother mentality -> if I do things for you, if I rescue you, if I help you, you will like me. You said yourself he was reluctant "but you wanted to"... this, I'm afraid, is trying to push it into something you want rather than allowing for a normal dating relationship to evolve.

Not really, it's not that simple...I really hate to explain because I think I know what people will say so please trust me...this guy was stuck. Like so stuck that I don't think "stuck" is the proper word for it. And believe me, if he had any other option, I wouldn't have offered because, first of all, it was a risk, second of all, it meant possibly missing class, and third of all, it required driving into the city and I've never been in the city so the entire time I was thinking, "OMFG what if I have to parallel park?" :lol: It wasn't something trivial like oh, routine checkup at the doctor's office, he should just reschedule. It was really serious and if he missed it, it would have put him in a horribly bad situation. I just felt I couldn't sit back and watch it happen and the fact that he brought it up at all made me think he was kind of hoping I could help. But when he found out that I had class like some of his other friends, he backtracked and said he couldn't ask me to do that. He was worried about me going to school, that was his only reservation. I mean, he didn't have to bring it up at all...it's not one of those things you just tell people, he opened up to me and trusted me. We were talking about something entirely different when he broke in with this appointment of his that he had to be at. And even if I never hear from him again, I do think he's a nice guy and I'm glad I could help, even if it hurts for a little while.

Let him contact you from now on, and let him take you on a proper date (if he's broke and doesn't have a car, coffee & walk in a public park is perfectly fine), but just be wary - sometimes girls fall into a "maternal" role and that is what you are starting to do.

I'm definitely going to do this. I didn't hear from him yesterday but I'm going to try to remain relaxed. I don't think I'll never hear from him again but if I don't, I dunno, I might consider deleting my dating profile and just calling it for a while.

i33BabyGirl33i
05-06-2012, 09:39 PM
Nadya,

From what I have read I just have to say that you are way TOO MUCH emotionally attach to this guy at this point. Second, there is no such thing as rejection but only feedback. It doesn't matter if he doesn't engage with you because right around the corner there will be another guy who will find you desirable and likely.

Exhale15
05-06-2012, 10:28 PM
Nadya,

From what I have read I just have to say that you are way TOO MUCH emotionally attach to this guy at this point...

Ditto. particularly as you're not including what this emergency of his was...

Honestly, you seem to be a person with a passionate heart and good energy...is there someplace in your community where you could volunteer your time and get involved in a 'good cause'? You never know where something like that could lead, and you would be honing your talents and channeling your energies into something that will 'build you up' rather than stressing about a relationship.

guacamole
05-06-2012, 11:01 PM
I wouldn't have offered because, first of all, it was a risk, second of all, it meant possibly missing class, and third of all, it required driving into the city and I've never been in the city so the entire time I was thinking, "OMFG what if I have to parallel park?"......But when he found out that I had class like some of his other friends, he backtracked and said he couldn't ask me to do that. He was worried about me going to school, that was his only reservation.

This right here says a lot. His own friends were not willing to risk missing class or disrupting their schedules, yet you, a relative stranger, were? He was fine accepting his friends couldn't help him, yet you felt like you had to? You didn't.

Putting myself in the guy's shoes, here is a girl who went above and beyond the call of duty to help me out, when my good friends couldn't be bothered. So, what should I do to show my friendship and gratitude? Maybe send her some flowers? Maybe a thank you phone call? Heck maybe just a text or email the next day to reiterate my gratitude? Nah, I think I'll wait for her to contact me and then blow her off and not respond - or give a cursory response that basically says I am too busy to talk to her again now that my crisis is over.

Guys really do tell us by their actions who they are and how they feel about us. We just have to listen.

You are worth so much more than what he is giving you. :hug:

To me there is only one person who should be on the verge of being rejected - him.

Nadya
05-06-2012, 11:32 PM
I finally got to the bottom of things - he's in an on/off relationship with someone. He made that profile thinking he'd move on, got close by meeting me, and then backed up. He apologized, told me thank you again, and referred to himself as an ******* and a waste of time. I feel bad for him, I was in the same spot a year ago, but obviously I can't do anything, that's something he's gotta sort out on his own. Having said that, I wanted to address some of what's been said since I know more about the situation now...

Nadya,

From what I have read I just have to say that you are way TOO MUCH emotionally attach to this guy at this point. Second, there is no such thing as rejection but only feedback. It doesn't matter if he doesn't engage with you because right around the corner there will be another guy who will find you desirable and likely.

It seemed that way, I know, but now that I know what's up - I'm disappointed but I'm no longer upset. When I finally got to talk to him about things, he didn't seem to really understand why I wanted an explanation so badly. So I said, "I felt like I did something wrong" and he answered, "No you didn't this is just a complicated subject". Hearing directly from him that I did nothing wrong and it had nothing to do with me freed me up immediately. I wish I had gotten a shot at knowing him, I hope he figures out that he's worth more than he seems to think he is, but I'm not hurting anymore. So I'm glad he put the brakes on early rather than letting it get tangled. He could have let me get attached and even physical at some point before stopping - but he was a gentleman the entire time.

Ditto. particularly as you're not including what this emergency of his was...

It's personal, it feels wrong giving away that kind of information, even to strangers. I'm the same way with platonic friends, some things about them I won't discuss because it just feels wrong.

Honestly, you seem to be a person with a passionate heart and good energy...is there someplace in your community where you could volunteer your time and get involved in a 'good cause'?

Yeah, I'm a total bleeding heart. :lol: I considered volunteering at an animal shelter but then I realized I'd cry and want to adopt all the animals. =/ Lately, I've found myself wishing I'd gone into counseling for troubled youth...

This right here says a lot. His own friends were not willing to risk missing class or disrupting their schedules, yet you, a relative stranger, were? He was fine accepting his friends couldn't help him, yet you felt like you had to? You didn't.

Well, he told me days ago that he doesn't pick the best friends. His have gotten him into trouble various times and recently a friend of his actually stole $80 from him. He is so soft spoken and reserved, he just seems to take it which is probably the only thing about this situation that really kind of upsets me any - he's so kind, we'd get along so well, but he doesn't even believe he's worth it. But I know, again, that's not for me to deal with. But he got close to moving on, he gave it a shot, so it's only a matter of time. I used to hesitate and now I'm completely on my own, no more worrying about that one toxic person. He'll get there eventually. I'm not saying I'm waiting, I'm just saying it's only a matter of time before he's had enough.

Pepino
05-07-2012, 02:30 AM
I'm going to flip the script here.

If I started seeing a guy and he texted me everyday and appeared "eager" to date me I would be turned off. I know that seems weird but its true. He could be an awesome guy but I wouldn't be into him.

On the other hand, if a guy doesn't act interested it drives me crazy and makes me like him more.

The reverse is also true, at one point in my life I was really enjoying living with my single girlfriend and we would go out and party together. I had ZERO interest in having a boyfriend. But then one night I was introduced to a very handsome, tall, intelligent man and I wasn't looking for a boyfriend at all but he pursued me and I decided he was too good to let pass by so I started dating him steady even though I wanted more of the single life. That man is now my husband and father of my child.

Anyway, the whole point is that people are always more attracted to what they think they can't have. It sounds cliche but that is where the whole "Play hard to get" mantra came from. I'm not saying to do that..but I would advise to TRY and seem like "you could take it or leave it" because your own life is so interesting and you have your own stuff going on. That confidence will be magnetic.

:)

nelie
05-07-2012, 08:24 AM
I know many guys are different in that they tend to seek out relationships either prior to ending or just after needing to end another. If I were you, I'd just move on. Don't give this guy another thought.