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imnotperfect24
05-05-2012, 01:50 AM
Not sure if this is in the correct place. So sorry if it's not.

Ugh. So I'm on an online dating site because I have a hard time meeting people. Anyway I had thought I met the perfect guy today. Not saying perfect to get married just to talk you know.. (we JUST met today) we have a lot in common and it was going well.. UNTIL

I told him I would feel more comfortable meeting him with someone else there. Like my friend. I even suggested that we could go on a double date. (Is this so bad of me. Did I break some online dating rule that says I HAVE to meet his guy by myself) I was brought up to be cautious.. Not to go around meeting guys on the internet (YOU NEVER KNOW). He said some pretty harsh things to me and i'm feeling pretty low right now.

I've always had a hard time dating because of my weight.. This just proves to me that I'm going to be alone forever..(not really im just in a shitty mood and my period is not far off I get WAY emotional around this time.)

Sorry for the rant.. Seems like that's all I do on this forum. :(


samcakes
05-05-2012, 01:54 AM
my best friend started dating again, and she tried a few online dating sites (she met a GREAT guy, and they are doing very very well) but most guys on these sites were more interested in a piece of a** then actually dating. she had a lot of experiences like this. dont be discouraged, there are really great guys out there you just gotta keep looking.

imnotperfect24
05-05-2012, 01:58 AM
Yeah I know.. My cousin met and married her husband from an on line dating site. (I dont know them that well) but when I went to the wedding he seemed like a great guy and I'm sure she would not of married him if he wasn't..


samcakes
05-05-2012, 02:04 AM
im really glad i never actually dated. my hubby is only the 2nd guy i dated and we are very happy, but i think online dating is a really cool way to explore your options. just dont get discouraged when jerks like that get mad about stupid things like that. you just gotta remember that if they are that rude before you even met, they probably wouldnt have been a good person to date.

also, it seems like the free dating websites like plenty of fish and stuff are pretty full of jerks like that. i havent heard of any complaints from the sites you have to pay to use (it sucks to pay, but if it means the guys actually want a relationship, hey, why not)

good luck, and be patient, good guys are few and far between. you will meet the right guy in time

ElociN2392
05-05-2012, 02:45 AM
I would not be upset over this. He probably just wanted some a** like the above poster said, or even worse. You never know. When you stood your ground and said you'd only meet him with someone else there he knew he wouldn't be able to do whatever he had in his head. Be very careful and never agree to meet alone. I know it sucks and you feel awful bit remember there's many more fish in the sea. <3 hugs.

sunshauna
05-05-2012, 03:47 AM
You did the smart thing and made the right decision. A quality guy would have absolutely agreed and understood! An important thing you need to understand about online dating is that you have to sort through a LOT of losers before you meet a quality guy. Do not rush!!!! Continue to be smart and careful. And most of all, patient!

Candeka
05-05-2012, 03:55 AM
I met two out of the three serious boyfriends online... one of which become my husband. I am a huge online dating fan. However, this guy should NOT have flipped. I think it is perfectly okay to meet someone alone (in a public place like a restaurant), but he should have at least been calm and understanding. Sure its not a "real" date, but if he was a nice guy, he would have wanted to go anyways so he could get to meet you.

He's a jerk. It's a good thing you found this out early on!

bt2155
05-05-2012, 05:44 AM
I agree with what was said above! You did exactly what you felt you should and if he can't respect that, then that's his loss.

Both guy I have really ever dated was through an online dating website. The first one didn't go so well, however the second one is my current boyfriend of two+ years and I couldn't be happier.

The main thing that I always did was I spent time messaging back and forth with quite a few different people. Not only did that give me a chance to see qualities in guys that I did not enjoy, it was a major boost in confidence and a great way to get to know a lot of amazing people (all of which I would probably have never spoken with otherwise because we both were just too shy).

I'm sorry that he didn't handle the situation they way he should have. Always be smart and do what you feel is right. I know I'm lame, but I truly believe everything happens for a reason!

Here's to the next guy who will respect you and be worth your time!

Mollewogg
05-05-2012, 06:36 AM
At least he showed his true colors early on so you don't waste any more of your time on him :)

nelie
05-05-2012, 08:20 AM
Agreed. It is not a good sign that he flipped out.

LeilaJey
05-05-2012, 08:49 AM
He doesn't sound so great after all then if he said some harsh things to you! It's your right to be safe and comfortable and don't let anybody tell you any different. The thing about meeting people online is that you're typing so people have time to think a bit more before they say things and give a certain impression of who they are etc and he showed his true colours. I'm sorry that you were hurt but don't give up. There's genuine nice guys out there too.

sacha
05-05-2012, 08:56 AM
He should not have flipped.

However, I would not bring someone to a date. I honestly would not have gone on that 1st date with my husband (who I met on Lavalife many moons ago) if he brought a friend, to me that indicates a lack of confidence and not being serious. Choose a public place, don't go alone with him, but a friend.... no, I can't agree with that.

Nadya
05-05-2012, 08:58 AM
You didn't do anything wrong, if he was really interested in getting to know you rather than just getting you into bed he wouldn't have gotten that angry.

I've met a few guys from a dating site and haven't had much more luck than you. But if you are meeting in a public place you probably shouldn't need anyone else with you.

krampus
05-05-2012, 10:23 AM
He should not have flipped.

However, I would not bring someone to a date. I honestly would not have gone on that 1st date with my husband (who I met on Lavalife many moons ago) if he brought a friend, to me that indicates a lack of confidence and not being serious. Choose a public place, don't go alone with him, but a friend.... no, I can't agree with that.

I would agree to some extent with this, but better to fly your "I'm an inexperienced dater" flag than to put yourself in a situation where you are really uncomfortable.

bargoo
05-05-2012, 10:37 AM
I think you were lucky this guy didn't work out. I think he had ulterior motives as has already been pointed out.

Elliemar
05-05-2012, 10:37 AM
I'd say you did the right thing and he obviously wasn't worth dating! I always arrange to meet people in a public place so I don't have to bring anyone, but in no way should anyone think any less of you if you do want to. in fact, several guys I've met this way even asked if I'd like to bring someone along to make me feel more comfortable - to me this shows a little care and respect, unlike this guy you came across. Totally agree with Krampus above as well.

As someone else mentioned, the free sites can be a minefield with guys only after one thing. Don't let it put you off and NEVER think it's in any way a reflection on you as a person. You're not going to be alone forever, you just haven't found Mr Right yet. :hug:

chubbybunny29
05-05-2012, 12:33 PM
Please do not take this as a sign that you will be alone forever. This was a guy not passing your Douche-Bag test. Any guy who would get angry and be mean because you wanted to feel comfortable and safe isn't worth your time. You are way too good for him.

I think as women, especially if we've been heavy long term (such as me!), we think we have to make guys like us, whereas its a mutual interview, so to speak. We have just as much right/responsibility to determine if they are what WE want. This guys isn't someone worth your time. He didn't care if you were comfortable or felt safe, and he got mean as soon as you didn't do what he wanted. Those are giant red flags.

imnotperfect24
05-05-2012, 03:31 PM
He should not have flipped.

However, I would not bring someone to a date. I honestly would not have gone on that 1st date with my husband (who I met on Lavalife many moons ago) if he brought a friend, to me that indicates a lack of confidence and not being serious. Choose a public place, don't go alone with him, but a friend.... no, I can't agree with that.

I have some trust issues.. Some things happened to me with a guy I had 'JUST' met a few years ago it wasnt a guy I met online but still. Lets just say those things were not good things at all. I was suggesting that we meet out at a bar or some place with friends. I never said it would be a 'first date'. He took it that way. I like to get to know people before I even consider dating/going on a date with them.

And like I said in my original post I was just in a really awful mood when I posted that. lol (Period coming soon and all)

Thanks everyone for the kind words :)

Precious Little
05-05-2012, 09:45 PM
It's probably for the best - the whole thing with him 'flipping out' may have been a red flag - sorry to say but you never know if someone is genuine or not, and you may have inadvertently avoided a difficult/dangerous situation.

kaplods
05-05-2012, 10:46 PM
A decent guy is not only going to understand, he's going to want you to be cautious. If you're not responsible enough to take care of your own safety, that's going to be a huge red flag and turn-off to any guy who wants a serious relationship.

I met my husband on-line and he was very understanding of my caution in meeting. If I hadn't been cautious, I think he might have decided that I was a flake.

Oh, and I was also at nearly my highest weight when we met (and even though my husband is a big guy too, he's a charismatic guy and has dated women of all sizes and attractiveness levels. I've even had to "fend off" a few rivals while we were dating, and since we've been married. I find it amusing that thinner women think that they can flirt under my nose, and get a positive response from my husband. I find it amusing because he shoots them down before I have a chance to, which makes me feel incredibly sexy and beautiful.

Exhale15
05-05-2012, 11:21 PM
You did nothing wrong. Actually, you lucked out that he failed your test.

Time and time again women get into or stay in bad relationships because they don't want to be 'alone'. I've never understood that. I'd rather be alone than with someone who is disrespectful or addicted or a child. So don't let the behavior of some 'stranger' question your worth or your potential to find a good partner. Because everything will work out :)

imnotperfect24
05-15-2012, 12:09 AM
A decent guy is not only going to understand, he's going to want you to be cautious. If you're not responsible enough to take care of your own safety, that's going to be a huge red flag and turn-off to any guy who wants a serious relationship.

I met my husband on-line and he was very understanding of my caution in meeting. If I hadn't been cautious, I think he might have decided that I was a flake.

Oh, and I was also at nearly my highest weight when we met (and even though my husband is a big guy too, he's a charismatic guy and has dated women of all sizes and attractiveness levels. I've even had to "fend off" a few rivals while we were dating, and since we've been married. I find it amusing that thinner women think that they can flirt under my nose, and get a positive response from my husband. I find it amusing because he shoots them down before I have a chance to, which makes me feel incredibly sexy and beautiful.

That's good to know.. I feel like since I'm 'this' big I'm never going to meet anyone. I feel like I don't deserve to think that guy is hot or this guy. I know that's irrational it's just how I feel.

I feel that my 'time' is running out too. I'm 25 years old. I don't have a spouse or a child.. I have always said that if I don't have a child by 30 I'm not going to have one... biological anyway.

Thkdiff
05-15-2012, 12:26 AM
I know a personal trainer whom has an overweight girlfriend, and they adore each other. So, it's not always a physical attraction. For me, it's always been intelligence and class that supersedes everything else. But you never know, but one day you will. Going though a divorce after 17 years of marriage, is it tough being alone and a single mother to the best kid in the world? Yes, at times. But I also count my blessings of being alone and not controlled anymore or abused . I believe in love and marriage, but can also be happy without it.

You don't need trash in your life. It's a good thing :)

RandomPaige
05-15-2012, 04:14 AM
Time and time again women get into or stay in bad relationships because they don't want to be 'alone'. I've never understood that. I'd rather be alone than with someone who is disrespectful or addicted or a child. So don't let the behavior of some 'stranger' question your worth or your potential to find a good partner. Because everything will work out :)

This is my mantra. I have friends that say I'm picky. I don't think its picky, its selective. Not that I have a line of potential suitors, but I don't think I have to be a drive-thru either.

I've known plenty of women that can't stand to be alone, as if they don't have an identity without a man.

That being said, I joined a few dating sites last summer. Some of the higher-end expensive ones, and some of the free sites. I'm pretty sure I need to re-create my profiles or something, because I spent too much money, and didn't get many results.

They always say you run into someone when you're not looking. I understand that, but does that mean I have to go blind? hope not.

collingwood
05-15-2012, 04:52 AM
I met my wife online. We chatted online for a couple of weeks and then we spoke over the phone for about a week and then arranged to meet and haven't looked back since.

I have done some online dating before then and I understand you want to feel safe because you don't really know who your meeting, but I get turned off when the talk of double dating comes up. The reason is it turns out that your trying to impress the friend so you get approval rather than focusing on the person your dating. I don't think it works and to me it shows the person is insecure and finds it hard to trust people.

I would rather go somewhere central to both parties and sit down and have a coffee. That way your safe in public view and you can talk and get to know that person a bit more. If your first meeting goes well then the next one can be going out to a restaurant. From there next time a restaurant and then movie...etc

I can't speak for all men, but I see there are 2 types, one is looking for a serious relationship and the other is looking for a casual relationship. It's up to you to work out what type of guy your dating, either by asking directly or indirectly. Someone serious about a relationship will not push the issue.

MiZTaCCen
05-15-2012, 11:28 AM
Online dating is like Boyfriend shopping or a play toy. Majority of the men on dating sites are Dbags...There can be 100 guys you go through and only ONE is a decent guy. When I online date I make sure it's ME calling the shots. I don't like meeting people right away simply because I don't like people and I'm very anti social so I will chat with them for a while, sometimes weeks on end.

If they're constantly bugging me to meet, I write them off. If they ask for my number right away without a conversation taking place...I write them off. If they ask to come over and watch a movie or flat out ask for sex, I write them off.

If I ask for the number, or if I ask to meet that's because I found them worth talking to outside of emails but that's my call. I don't meet everyone I may talk to a dozen guys and only meet two out of them. I'm also a huge flake...if it's just coffee I'll usually cancel, if the guy makes effort and wants to take me out for dinner, I don't.

Sometimes I will chat with a guy for MONTHS before I meet them. The last guy I dated (of course didn't workout...but he's still around and he won't go away but when were good, were good.) and we finally met and the first month was great and of course after that it was whatever.

I don't agree with asking for your friend to come along on the meet up. If you're really THAT nervous or scared to meet someone IN person in a PUBLIC place then you shouldn't be doing online dating to begin with. Yes there are major creepers out there, but theres also people you talk to every day who maybe psychopaths...it happens. Now if you really want to do this have your friend show up at the same place and just keep an eye on you, act like you don't know each other etc...He doesn't need to know that your friend is there and you can feel safe. :)

Theres going to be plenty of times you meet someone and there isn't a second date even if the meet up went well and the conversation was flowy and great. Sometimes there just isn't a spark. It's happened to me and it's happen to the guys I've went out with. If I don't have that Za Za Zu on the first date there isn't going to be a second one...But that's also the problem with online dating theres so much options to choose from, so it's easy to go NEXT. I think it also becomes harder for some guys to commite to especially if they've been on a dating site for YEARS...if you meet a guy who tells you he's been on for long than a year it's a red flag...

Just go out and enjoy meeting new people don't take it so seriously. You're going to meet a lot of Dbags...maybe one nice guy and plenty of people you won't be attracted to. But remember YOU call the shots. ;)

mahtha
05-15-2012, 11:42 AM
I've even had to "fend off" a few rivals while we were dating, and since we've been married. I find it amusing that thinner women think that they can flirt under my nose, and get a positive response from my husband. I find it amusing because he shoots them down before I have a chance to, which makes me feel incredibly sexy and beautiful.

Uh oh. I think hubby is two-timing because I'm married to him too! :D

imnotperfect24, I met my husband online too. I did the ultra-cautious thing not because of the confidence factor, but because I have two daughters who I needed to keep safe no matter what. The right guy(s) will understand. I met most "dates" for coffee so we could decide if we wanted to plan a real date. Daytime meetings tend to ward off those only looking for a little action. ;)

jj0293
05-15-2012, 10:20 PM
BOO. I don't like this guy. I know it is exciting to start dating again and have someone show some interest. But if he is disrespectful about something SO LOGICAL, just imagine what kind of person he is day to day.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet, my friend. :)

Natasha22
05-16-2012, 12:32 AM
Don't be discouraged. I have no idea what the guy's problem was, I don't see anything wrong with you suggesting a double date, especially since it would have been your first date. A double date would have given you both the chance to observe how you interact with others, not just with each other, plus it could have been more fun and taken some of the pressure off.

He was just some closed minded jerk, don't even give it a second thought. There are great guys out there waiting to be found, don't lose hope!

PinkLotus
05-16-2012, 05:22 PM
I did a lot of online dating before I met my husband (met him online too!) 6 years ago.
Meeting people online is really no different than meeting people in "real life" in the sense that there will be good guys and bad ones. There are tons of great guys online, but you have to sift through the "duds" to find them. It can be very aggravating, scary, annoying, and fun. Just remember: do not let anyone push you into doing something you are not comfortable with, and watch very closely for red flags. Sometimes we get so caught up in the desire to find someone that we may forgive things or look past things we probably shouldn't. (I was definitely guilty of this, and had I seen the red flags for what they were, it would have saved me a heck of a lot of time).
I agree with the other posters, definitely be grateful that this guy showed his true colors. Sure, some people wouldn't want the first meeting to be with other people, but he could have just said so, rather than be rude to you. Don't even give him the time of day now!
If you aren't comfortable meeting someone alone, then don't do it. A good guy, one who has dating potential, will understand.
Don't get discouraged. I could write a book about the guys I met before meeting my husband. I met a lot of guys - had some good experiences, bad experiences, and weird experiences. There was one guy I met for coffee who asked me at the end of the date if I had money for him to take the bus home!
But if I'd given up, I wouldn't have met my husband who is a great guy and makes me very happy.
You will find someone who likes you just the way you are, whether it be online or not, I promise! And please don't worry about 25 being too old...I didn't meet my husband until I was 26!
Best of luck :)

imnotperfect24
05-21-2012, 08:34 PM
I know.. was just upset .. I'm over it now though.. I've moved on.. ;)

jules1216
05-22-2012, 11:19 AM
my friend went on a Christian online dating site...the two men she talked to were both scammers...she is so upset...

Quiet Ballerina
05-22-2012, 02:18 PM
He isn't worth it. But I don't think it's fair for everyone to jump on him when we're only getting one version of the story.

If you're uncomfortable meeting online (totally understandable! It's great that you're cautious) I'd do things a little differently.
-meet in a public place
-have 1 or 2 friends at that place, but not WITH you. This way they're nearby if you need them, but they aren't ON your date. What if you started talking with your friend because you were so nervous, and then you ignored your date for most of the night? That's not fun for him!
-Tell someone where you are going and when you will be back, or at least when you will check in. "If you don't get a text or call from me by x time, try to call my cell to make sure I'm okay."

i33BabyGirl33i
05-22-2012, 07:23 PM
Yeah dont get upset so many people out there dont take it personally

Exhale15
05-23-2012, 05:23 PM
...
-have 1 or 2 friends at that place, but not WITH you. This way they're nearby if you need them, but they aren't ON your date. What if you started talking with your friend because you were so nervous, and then you ignored your date for most of the night? That's not fun for him!"...

That's a great idea, could you also time-limit the meeting, say Let's meet at x'oclock; I have to do something at y o'clock' and then go meet a friend who has come to be 'nearby'. This way, the meeting has a definite time frame, and you have something fun to look forward to if the meeting doesn't work out.