Weight Loss Support - Friend thought I was pregnant - now my brain won't shut off




Desiderata
05-01-2012, 08:43 PM
Yesterday I saw a friend I hadn't seen for six months. He misheard me in a very understandable way; at one point I said, "The best thing about [my sister-in-law's name] being pregnant is..." and he heard me say, "The best thing about my, uh, being pregnant is..."

It's an understandable mix-up, even though I'd said earlier that my SIL was pregnant and I was really excited about it. So why has it thrown me for such a mental tailspin?

He quickly said something along the lines of "Wow, I didn't want to say anything, but I suspected! / That explains so much!" in response to mis-hearing me -- and that's what has burrowed deeply into my brain and already morphed into a torturous feedback loop. It's a "Why would he think that? [Attempt rationalization]" loop that won't stop. I weigh less than when he saw me last, though I wouldn't expect it to be noticeable - overall, I'm pretty close to the size he's known me as for years. I'm also pear, not apple shaped; my figure doesn't really have a suggestive 'bump' to it. Or does it? Do I look much worse than I think I do? Here I've been feeling good about my progress... -- I could write out much more here, both of the self-doubts and the rationalizations for why he 'suspected,' but you get the point.

It was just a stupid/innocent misunderstanding -- but my brain has really gone into overdrive and I'm having trouble stopping it. I don't feel grievously wounded, but obviously I'm hurt / feeling defensive, even as I know it's not that big a deal. In other words, I'm aware the problem is me (how I'm reacting), not what happened. I'm at a loss for why this is affecting me so deeply, but I want to change the thought loop and move on.

Anyone have any advice or thoughts on changing your mental map for something like this? Right now I'm just perpetuating the hurt/insecurity I feel by fixating on his comment, but I'm not having a lot of success in getting my brain to change the subject. I used to have more problems with fixating on negative events, but I've always struggled with changing my thought patterns.


Eliza31
05-01-2012, 09:04 PM
This happened to me yesterday. A lady at my gym asked me if I was pregnant. I said no. She then said "Oh, your face looks bigger but maybe it is from sweating." I'm not letting it bother me because I know that I am dedicated to losing the weight. You are too and just tell yourself the next time you see him, you will be thinner and he will make a comment about that as well as others.
Let losing weight be your main focus and forget about a comment from someone you don't see very often.

HappyHoliday
05-01-2012, 09:06 PM
I'm dying to learn what you replied to him and what happened next. I think I offended a friend once years ago I flew out to visit her when she was really pregnant, and she was all confused saying "well? Don't you notice something?" and I could not guess what she was referring to. It turns out that she had the baby early and kept this as a surprise. I totally wouldn't have guessed that.


Desiderata
05-01-2012, 09:14 PM
Eliza - you're very right, of course, and I would say the same to anyone else who wrote what I did... but I'm having such a hard time actually moving on! I recognize this is within my power to control, though, and I'm motivated to stop feeling so badly about myself.

HappyHoliday - haha, that is pretty funny! I was just so taken aback by the "I suspected" element that I had a flustered "What? No, no, my [SIL] is..." followed by a rapid subject change, later changing back to it, etc. I think he was pretty embarrassed and I tried to act nonchalant. We were wandering a shop, and my husband was within earshot - a minute later saying, "Did he really say that?" within audible range of my friend. I think my husband was more just flabbergasted than trying to call him out, but who knows. This friend used to be quite clear that he'd be romantically interested in me if I weren't spoken for, and my husband is aware. They're friendly, but who knows how that plays into things. :dizzy:

ennay
05-01-2012, 09:17 PM
"Explains so much"? How many things led him to that conclusion? Did you ask? I would have if only to teach him that you never ever assume pregnancy.

I had a cashier ask me when my baby was due once and then for the next two years continue to ask how my baby was doing because she "remembered" that i had been "pregnant" despite me saying no, not pregnant, never been pregnant each time. The last time she actually ARGUED with me. "NO! I REMEMBER you were pregnant. " No, you remember you were an idiot.

But my favorite was when I did get pregnant and went to buy some maternity clothes, my husband suggested that I should hold off until I asked a mutual friend if I could borrow hers - I got pregnant a few months after she delivered. I was about 150 lbs when I got pregnant. She was about 300. But sure, one size fits all I guess (my actual response was "exactly how much do you think I am going to gain?").

However, This is the same husband who every Xmas buys me plus size clothing because he cant remember that "Women's" means plus size and 1X is the smallest size in the womens dept. And sometimes he remembers that I never wear a small so he buys me 2X because if 1X is small then 2X must be medium. Which isnt really relevant except to say, people are just stupid sometimes and their mouths and their brains are not always connected.

bargoo
05-01-2012, 09:50 PM
I hope that guy felt like the idiot that he is. I never assume a woman is pregnant unless I see her being wheeled out of the delivery room with a baby.

gardend1va
05-01-2012, 10:28 PM
Sometimes guys mouths start moving before their brain kicks in. You said he admitted to having a bit of an attraction to you in the past, so maybe what he thought he heard you say triggered a nervous blurting out of something--anything--to fill the awkward void of silence. That statement might not have been referencing weight at all, but some other subtle mood/eating/behavior change he thought he saw, and attributed it to pregnancy.

MichelleRae
05-01-2012, 10:37 PM
I've had this happen a few times and it is hard to brush off. Don't let it have power over you because you know that you can change your weight and be healthier :) The state that many of us are in is temporary.

shadetree20
05-01-2012, 10:44 PM
I agree with gardendiva - he could have meant eating different or a "glow" or looking at children differently, or any sort of made up symptoms, especially since he's known you at that weight for years.

gardend1va
05-01-2012, 10:48 PM
I agree with gardendiva - he could have meant eating different or a "glow" or looking at children differently, or any sort of made up symptoms, especially since he's known you at that weight for years.

And then the awkwardness when he realized the way you interpreted what he said...no way to gracefully backpedal out of it.

JohnP
05-01-2012, 11:01 PM
I'd use it as motivation. Negative emotion can be very motivational!

I used negative motivation for months when I got started and still use it occasionally today.

gardend1va
05-01-2012, 11:34 PM
@John: I hope I didn't offend when I said the thing about guy's mouths moving before their brain kicked in...I should have put a disclaimer in there about present company being excluded. No offense meant against all men, I am only speaking from my own experience. ;-)

kirsteng
05-01-2012, 11:50 PM
Or maybe it was a compliment! People in their first trimester often lose weight.. so maybe that 'explained a lot' to him about why you're looking slimmer and even more ravishing! ;)

Don't let it bug you - I'm sure you look fabulous and not pregnant at all at your weight. :hug:

SunshineCA
05-02-2012, 12:01 AM
Ouch! That would've weighed heavily on my mind as well and I would've had to work real hard to kick those negative thoughts right out of my head!

Don't let this beat you up too much. Just keep on doing what you're doing and all will be well. Also surround yourself with positive people who see what you've accomplished. If all else fails, look at yourself in the mirror and ravish yourself with positive affirmations! :)

ennay
05-02-2012, 12:48 AM
@John: I hope I didn't offend when I said the thing about guy's mouths moving before their brain kicked in...I should have put a disclaimer in there about present company being excluded. No offense meant against all men, I am only speaking from my own experience. ;-)

heh...I changed mine from "men are just stupid sometimes" to "people" self censored.

Mostly because I was on an anti men kick earlier today so I realized I might not be fair - freaking THREE of my friends have caught their dh's in affairs in the last month.

chickadee32
05-02-2012, 12:57 AM
I'm with gardendiva and shadetree. My first thought when reading your post is that he was picking up on some kind of signal (healthy eating behavior, a glow, a bounce, a confidence) that to him said "something has changed". And then when I read your later post about his romantic interest in you, that explanation made even more sense. This is a guy who is attuned to you, and is likely to notice the slight changes that others wouldn't. (And actually, on someone as small as you are, a loss of 13 lbs probably qualifies as more than a slight change... especially to a male who pays close attention to your appearance.)

It's funny; until I read your post, I didn't realize that I did something much the same recently, and might have offended someone. My sister in law called a week or so ago to tell us she was pregnant, and after "congratulations!" my next response was "I thought you might be!" We had seen her just two weeks prior, and it wasn't that she looked any different... it was just a small feeling I had, and I asked my husband on the way home "do you think your sister is going to try to have another child soon?" As someone dealing with infertility I am kind of hyperaware of those things... and I just had a feeling. It had NOTHING to do with her appearance, it was just a vibe of some sort... but now I wonder if she might have thought I was referring to something I had seen rather than just felt.

ANYWAY... based on what you wrote, I'm guessing your friend's comment came not from thinking you looked pregnant, but from some other kind of signal of change, and that's all. I hope you're feeling better about it soon. :hug:

VenomousPiano
05-02-2012, 01:53 AM
You have to just let go of a simple misunderstanding.
Everyone makes diminutive mistakes every once in a while, and I'm sure that you don't look "worse than you think you do."
Somebody has thought I was pregnant from the back, but when I turned around, they realized that I'm just a chubby teenager. :)
I just let it pass and thought, "I can get through this and prove them wrong."
When I think about how sad and angry I was that day, it just fuels me to go farther in my weight loss journey.
You can push through this.
Good luck.
:)

cherrypie
05-02-2012, 03:02 AM
he could have noticed non weight things. You turning down a drink, or eating better, or drinking milk, or being moody. Could have been lots of things. Why jump to weight?

LeilaJey
05-02-2012, 05:14 AM
It could be completely non weight related! When he thought you said you were pregnant anything could have clicked in his mind thinking it was connected. Think about when you get news like that about someone. You start to connect lots of things in your head to make sense of them. It's hard to say what it was, but it wasn't a personal attack. Use it as motivation and keep going :)

missunderstood28
05-02-2012, 02:19 PM
Men dont listen....lol

Desiderata
05-02-2012, 04:03 PM
Thanks, everyone. Ennay -- your husband! :lol: Thanks for the giggle and for some perspective. Actually talking about it instead of just stewing in my head actually has helped a lot.

I know people do and say all manner of silly things, not meaning to be hurtful. I was asked if I was pregnant once before and it didn't bother me much, not like this. This friend's usually pretty aware and has had his own weight struggles, but maybe I was giving him too much 'credit' because of it -- everyone's still entitled to a stupid moment. I've also had a lot of serious health issues re-emerge the past year. I've not gone into lots of details, although it's no big secret and also nothing new in my life. With that looming about in a slightly-question-mark manner, it makes sense that some kind of non-verbal cue or behavior (from me, my husband, my BIL) put crazy thoughts in his head. :dizzy:

Thanks again. Funny how little things can really get to you, even when you know better.

berryblondeboys
05-02-2012, 05:50 PM
This thread then makes me hyper aware to NEVER ask anyone if they're pregnant and no wonder no asked me if I was pregnant until I was like nearly 8 months the last time out of fear of offending me!

I have a fitness instructor at the gym who is FIT, FIT, FIT. She teaches bodypump and bodystep. She lifts heavy and is flying over the step, but... she is a TOTAL apple shape. Skinny little legs, slumped shoulders and a belly. Any and all excess weight she has is in her gut. She can do the most tortuous crunches, but she still has a gut. She said one day while we were stepping, "Yes, someone asked me the other day when I was due...""" And I felt so bad and also made me hyper aware that we are all built so differently. She can't help that she gets a beer belly when she gains weight and it's teh ONLY place she gains weight. it's how she's built. So, I'm not going to grieve my bat wings either...

lm3898
05-02-2012, 05:59 PM
Honestly, I think he just mis-heard. Several of my friends recently asked me if I'm pregnant b/c I quit smoking and didn't drink last week with them [b/c I didn't want to have a trigger yet] - I don't even think they believe me when I said no! Nothing to do with weight! I'm sure it was more of that than anything else!

berryblondeboys
05-02-2012, 06:04 PM
Honestly, I think he just mis-heard. Several of my friends recently asked me if I'm pregnant b/c I quit smoking and didn't drink last week with them [b/c I didn't want to have a trigger yet] - I don't even think they believe me when I said no! Nothing to do with weight! I'm sure it was more of that than anything else!

I agree - I think sometimes we think the worst, "Oh, no! He thinks I look fat!" when it could have been any of the other - eating healthier, looking better, taking care of yourself, etc.

Shoot, people could think I'm pregnant for turning down wine every time we go out socially. I just don't want to waste my calories in alcohol! I would rather EAT!

greeneggsandtam
05-02-2012, 06:41 PM
I was just at a community event this past weekend and I was asked to dance (just some local guy I'd never met). He came up to me later and told me if I was pregnant that it wasn't a very good idea to drink. Lol. Really? Anyways he came over after that (bold perhaps - but not real bright) and explained that he wasn't hitting on me and that his wife was sitting at the next table. (Well thank goodness he told me, you know because I did have plans to sit on his lap and all. lol) - I'm going to hazard a guess and say this man is not very smooth. Further - he'd better hope his wife stays with him cause his social skills left much to be desired.