General chatter - Getting over anger...




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jules1216
04-28-2012, 06:09 PM
my son and his 2 children under 2 moved in with us in January, seems their mother had been emailing and texting her "first love" ex for over a year, just before Christmas she took the older of the 2 boys to see a show, we all thought it was odd since she NEVER did anything with the older boys but if she took either child it was always the younger...turns out she met the guy and spent the night with teh child while he was on leave from the Navy. Her mother died the Monday after Christmas due to alcohol and perscription drugs, we thought she was spending the next days with family, but no she was with the ex at friends house til he had to go to CA. It all came out and my son and the boys ended up with us. She bought a one way ticket to CA to be with the ex February 6..since then she has gotten married because she is preganant once again.

she contacts me from time to time, if I am nice to her, she acts like I am her best friend and tells me more information than I want to know...my son does not talk to her at all...

I cant get over my anger at her leaving the boys, if it was just my son it would be whatever hes a big boy but them, and then she acts like shes done nothing wrong...I have decided not to have anymore contact with her, part of me feels bad, but the other does not


bargoo
04-28-2012, 07:30 PM
Give those boys and your son all the love you can and provide them with a stable home. I hope your son has gotten permanent custody, if not he had better put that in motion just in case she comes back for the boys. I shudder to think what kind of upbringing she would give them.

novangel
04-28-2012, 07:41 PM
I will never understand people that leave behind kids only to have more with someone else! I second what Bargoo said, get custody so she can't come back for them. Shudder is an understatement. Ugh.


jules1216
04-28-2012, 07:46 PM
My husband and I have guardianship..they are on our insurance, she said she was taking care of medical but never did. We have her on abandonment and neglect. I worry about the baby shes carrying, but there's nothing I can do about that.

My son is going to get full permanent custody, hes working with legal aid.

I guess I should have asked, should we keep in contact with her...do we legally have too??

bargoo
04-28-2012, 08:13 PM
I don't know qbout the legality of it, but if I were you I would have no contact with her, I would not want to leave the door open so she can reclaim those children. I would be reasonably cordial if she calls but I would not initiate any calls to her.

jules1216
04-28-2012, 08:23 PM
I don't know qbout the legality of it, but if I were you I would have no contact with her, I would not want to leave the door open so she can reclaim those children. I would be reasonably cordial if she calls but I would not initiate any calls to her.

sounds like good advice...

Rainbowgirl
04-28-2012, 09:45 PM
I cannot understand the mindset of a mother who leaves her children. Maybe it was just how I was raised, but you never leave your kids, no matter what. My aunt (by marriage) decided to up and leave my uncle one day, to go "find" herself. They'd been, for all anyone could see and all he said, happily married for 15 years. They had 2 children, in their early teens. And she packed up while they were at school and while he was at work one day and just took off. I'll tell you, it forever damaged her relationship with her kids. Both are adults now (about 10 years old than me) and neither one of them really respects her.

I'd personally deal with your type of anger by distancing myself from her and not engaging her in phone calls. Make her a nonentity as far as YOU are concerned. I wouldn't poison the kids on her, though (not saying you do), and try to be nice about her if they mention her or talk to her, but I would keep my distance and pretend she didn't exist.

samcakes
04-28-2012, 10:07 PM
as far as i know you dont have to keep in touch with her until the custody agreement is official. if she wins rights you will have to keep in touch to a point, but until then she can just eff off. i have such a hard time understanding people like this. children are such a blessing and its sad when people treat them like they are anything other than a blessing

Vex
04-28-2012, 11:10 PM
I'm with the other people here that think you shouldn't be initiating contact. Personally, despite all the responsibility you have right now, it's still probably between your son and her.

I'd be there for him and your grandchildren as much as you can without getting involved in the matters between him and her. It's much easier to say than do I'm sure and just all around awful in general.

Just my opinion though.

FrouFrou
04-30-2012, 02:04 AM
Hugs

Raven132
04-30-2012, 12:19 PM
Just a thought - while you are on speaking terms you may want to get any family medical history that may be important for the kids. That way you don't have to bother trying to get ahold of her if you need it. Other than that, good riddance. Hope everything goes smoothly for the custody case.

Munchy
04-30-2012, 01:58 PM
My husband and I have guardianship..they are on our insurance, she said she was taking care of medical but never did. We have her on abandonment and neglect. I worry about the baby shes carrying, but there's nothing I can do about that.

My son is going to get full permanent custody, hes working with legal aid.

I guess I should have asked, should we keep in contact with her...do we legally have too??

If you both have legal guardianship, I'm pretty sure you don't need to stay in touch with her at all. I wouldn't be rude, but simply disengage conversations.

Is there a reason why you were awarded guardianship instead of your son just taking custody until a formal custody agreement is worked on?

When I separated from my ex-husband, my lawyer advised that I keep my child away from him while we waited for our pendente lite to be secured. His reasoning was that without any custody terms, either he or I could legally keep our child away from the other with no recourse.
I waited until we had the legal terms secured so that if I needed to, I could call the police to get my child back.

It's a scary time. :hug: Hoping for all of the best with your family.

astrophe
04-30-2012, 02:04 PM
I hope you feel better for the vent.

It sounds like you are in a tough situation here that is still kinda sorting out.

Why does she contact you? Just to update on the kids or what? I don't know your legal arrangements and I think that's best asked about with your lawyer and the custody agreements. What your legal obligations are. If there are none, just let the answering machine pick up. You don't have to respond.

But this sounds pretty fresh for everyone. If it is a question of emotions or doing the right thing from a spiritual perspective -- do you have any support in those areas? A minister? A counselor?

Hang in there.

:hug:
A.

jules1216
04-30-2012, 07:53 PM
I hope you feel better for the vent.

It sounds like you are in a tough situation here that is still kinda sorting out.

Why does she contact you? Just to update on the kids or what? I don't know your legal arrangements and I think that's best asked about with your lawyer and the custody agreements. What your legal obligations are. If there are none, just let the answering machine pick up. You don't have to respond.

But this sounds pretty fresh for everyone. If it is a question of emotions or doing the right thing from a spiritual perspective -- do you have any support in those areas? A minister? A counselor?

Hang in there.

:hug:
A.

I guess part of it is how to let go of my hatred for her and move on. She isnt contacting me anymore so that helps. I tried to keep a line of communication open. Tried to make it just questions about the boys but she wants me to be that mother figure I tried to be for her. She thought I was mad at her for what she did to my son. I told her no, he's a grownup, I was mad at the medical neglect, (no immunizations, not taking care of the pidgeon toe in that could have easily been corrected much earlier) and the fact she could just throw away the boys.

I have so much anger towards her. Its simply not healthy.

jules1216
04-30-2012, 08:00 PM
Quote:If you both have legal guardianship, I'm pretty sure you don't need to stay in touch with her at all. I wouldn't be rude, but simply disengage conversations:Quote

We filed for guardianship when their relationship was disintergrating and there were medical issues that needed attended. We told my son we were doing it and he was against it until we went to the Doctors office and got the medical records that showed she was lying to him about getting immunizations. Seems he had a soft spot and the drs wanted to put a helmet on him at 1 month, she was so vain she just simply never went back but told my son she was doing it. I was concerned about his feet, he had a pigeon toes, the feet tow in, similar to a club foot but not as serious but still need taken care of. My son wore corrective shoes and a bar for 23 hours a day for a few months to take care of it before he even crawled and continued with the shoes for over a year.

They both signed the paperwork. My son so the boys could be put on our insurance and everything medical taken care of. Her because shes terribly afraid that charges for the neglect are going to be filed against her still.

jules1216
04-30-2012, 08:02 PM
Just a thought - while you are on speaking terms you may want to get any family medical history that may be important for the kids. That way you don't have to bother trying to get ahold of her if you need it. Other than that, good riddance. Hope everything goes smoothly for the custody case.

We already had that...I have all the medical records and actual forms she filled out.

astrophe
04-30-2012, 09:38 PM
I guess part of it is how to let go of my hatred for her and move on. She isnt contacting me anymore so that helps. I tried to keep a line of communication open. Tried to make it just questions about the boys but she wants me to be that mother figure I tried to be for her. She thought I was mad at her for what she did to my son. I told her no, he's a grownup, I was mad at the medical neglect, (no immunizations, not taking care of the pidgeon toe in that could have easily been corrected much earlier) and the fact she could just throw away the boys.

I have so much anger towards her. Its simply not healthy.

Let it out somewhere. Not necessarily at her though, since you want to break contact. I don't know what she's got going on or what she's enduring that would make her choose this path like that. I shan't judge.

But she's not your responsibility. She's taking up too much brain space as it is, no need to invite her to take up more.

It's like you need to purge the anger just for YOU and your betterment and health. Not so much HER needs and her health and betterment. She can take care of that part herself.

Keep writing it out. Then burn it or bury it or whatever.

Talk to more people about it -- safe people. But pick the right people. A counselor, a trusted friend, a trusted relative, a hotline, whoever. But not anyone too close to the fire -- your son, your spouse. I know they have going through this in common with you, so you may be tempted. But unburdening to them makes THEIR load that much heavier sometimes. So I'd be cautious about it with having them be your safe person.

Or speak it to a rock and then fling that sucker as far as you can throw it into a lake, pond, ocean, river, etc.

Take time to read the serenity prayer in full. That always helps me -- there's many versions, and the first part is the most quoted but the original is here.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer

I'm not Christian, but derive a lot of comfort from that prayer.

You will get through this tough time. Hang in there. :hug:

A.

jules1216
04-30-2012, 10:29 PM
A-My Dad was in AA for over 30 years so I am very familiar with the Serenity prayer...thanks so much for you advice...she is taking to much space and its only hurting me...