Weight Loss Support - sabotager, do you have one?




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BusyB
04-28-2012, 10:47 AM
I think my boss is trying to sabotage my weight loss. She knows I'm eating right and has acknowledged that I'm losing weight, but she regularly tries to talk me into going out for lunch and frequently brings things in which are just for me (cake, Brownies, cookies etc).

Last year, she tried to lose weight, and she did lose 17 lbs over 3-4 months but she was in a horrible mood and miserable to work with. She quickly quit her diet and has since gained more than she lost.

It may be subconcious, she may not intentionally be trying to do it, but I feel like she wants me to fail.

I know I can't be the only one in this situation, so, please share your stories!


freelancemomma
04-28-2012, 10:55 AM
My sister-in-law is a saboteur. She always gives me huge slices of cake, even when I ask for a small slice, and recently called me anorexic. (Um, no, I eat about 2,000 calories per day.)

People who try to sabotage us are jealous or resentful of what we're accomplishing. The less thought we give them, the better.

F.

Sally Pineapple
04-28-2012, 11:00 AM
You are not alone!
My ex-husband (it was a friendly divorce) always brings food into my house and it is the fattening stuff. Bagfuls from the day old bakery, orders 3 pizzas instead of 1, etc.
My boyfriend understands my diet, but when he sees me in the evenings he wants me to eat a regular dinner with him which includes beer or wine with the meal.
At work I am lucky since the goodies are brought into the departments office and I stay out of there and spend my break time in the employee dining room.


toastedsmoke
04-28-2012, 11:10 AM
I'm my own biggest saboteur because even though where I live I'm always being offered tasty snacks and delicious late night guilty pleasure, ultimately no one has ever force fed me anything. I know when I'm gifted my favorite chocolate of all time, I shouldn't be a piglet and munch it down myself, I should take it out in public, have a little piece and share the rest around, but I don't always do this. A lot of people see food as a reward as in "oh you're doing so well on your diet, you should be able to treat yourself and 'eat normal things' on occasion." It's ultimately up to me to decide what is and isn't acceptable to put in my mouth. It's tough but doesn't depend on anyone but me.

Serenity100
04-28-2012, 11:43 AM
I agree with Toasted. I too, am my own saboteur. I got fat because I ate too much and exercised too little. Nobody's fault but my own. I am working hard to change that. I go out to lunch with my coworkers, but I always make sure to order something that is on my plan. If, I couldn't, I would simply say, thanks, but no thanks.

gonnadoitthistime
04-28-2012, 11:49 AM
I dated a man two years ago that would fill up my freezer with fudge, buy huge amounts of chocolate, even more after I begged him not to because it was like an alcoholic and booze. Knew a man several years back that was always wanting to feed me, telling me there was no way I was big (we were friends, then dated a few weeks). He then started dating a woman who seemed to gain at least 50 pounds within a few months, and this was a guy who loved to carry on about the, well I won't say the horrid term he used for his ex wife.
People don't like the shift in power, or the chance of someone leaving I think, but to me it's very disrespectful. My ex husband was abusive about many things, including my weight before and after giving birth, but as soon as I started to lose, he insisted on going out to eat all the time, but he is a sick person anyway:)

COchick
04-28-2012, 11:52 AM
At first, my husband played that role. At first, he would bring home ice cream and candy bars, and would try to push them on me. Once we had a VERY serious talk about it, he is much better. Thankfully. :)

Brandis
04-28-2012, 03:17 PM
One of my coworkers is the worst. She is a person who has been thin all of her life, and she doesn't understand. I don't know if it's intentional, as I think she just likes to cook and mother people. She comes to work with whatever amount of baked goods or main dish it is, and no matter how hard I try to explain, she just doesn't get it. "But the cupcakes are angel food, and the frosting is sugar-free whipped cream, and it has fresh fruit!" As if adding fruit to junk automatically negates it. She doesn't get that if I eat one of those, I will just want another one, and another,etc. And then I will feel guilty and not be able to eat something I might have really wanted, just to appease her sense of mothering. And worst of all, I will have to try to figure out how many calories are in said object, and log it, and see the indiscretion permanently on my record. Easier just to stay away. So yesterday as the container was thrust in my face, I took one, put it in a bowl, and said "Thanks, I'll eat it in a bit." Then I gave it away after she left. Ha ha saboteur. I win.

sontaikle
04-28-2012, 04:07 PM
I don't understand how this is sabotage. You are responsible for what goes into your body and you have to realize that the world isn't going to be sensitive to your dietary needs. You might be able to control what's in your home, but you can't control what other people do and say. What you can do is learn to resist temptation because it will ALWAYS be there.

I understand it's annoying to constantly have to turn down offers, but if you keep at it then your boss may eventually get the message. You can also accept the treats and throw them away when your boss isn't looking if you don't want to hurt her feelings.

kaplods
04-28-2012, 05:23 PM
I think true sabotage - folks deliberately trying to undermine our success - is actually quite rare. And I think using a word like sabotage gives what it really is (temptation) too much power.

When I used the word sabotage and thought of various people as saboteurs, I gave the people and situations too much power, too much credit.

When I just assume people's intententions and choices are their own business, and none of my concern, I keep all the power. When I see someone's actions as intentional (or even subconscious) efforts to undermine my success, I'm the only one who loses - because the anger, resentment, and annoyance it triggers is what undermines my success - not the instance of so-called sabotage (which is really just temptation that I choose to yeild to or resist).

When I assume people's motives have nothing to do with me, I see the temptation more neurtrally. The person has no power over me. The situation has no power over me. My choices are my own.

Food issues are very complicated. Many people don't know how to socialize or celebrate without food. They can't seperate food from the social interaction, so without food they don't know how to express love, affection, respect, sympathy......

Understanding that makes sabotage disappear. It's not sabotage, it's just temptation - and not even a particularly strong temptation unless I choose it to be. The only person who can sabotage me is myself unless there's someone in my life sneaking into my fridge and injecting sugar and fat into my food without my knowledge (now that's sabotage), and even then I think I'd notice sooner or later that my food didn't taste the way I expect it to - or that I wasn't losing the weight I should be, so I'd make more adjustments.

We give power away and call it sabotage, because then it's not our fault if we yeild to temptation. "They made me do it, I couldn't say no..."

Even the negative emotions themselves cause damage. If someone behaves in a way that I find tempting, and I see it as sabotage, there's a good chance that I'm going to feel anger, annoyance, frustration, longing, regret, resentment that I can't join in the fun... and THAT'S what ends up sabotaging my diet. Not anyone but me. I'm the only person who can undermine my success.

But the way I know work at weight loss, I don't ever see sabotage - even if it's intentional I don't notice, because I try not to think about other people's motivations at all. This may sound selfish, but weight loss often is about selfishness, putting one's self first instead of fufilling everyone else's needs before our own. But by choosing not to care about other people's motives, I don't ever feel sabotaged. If they ask me to do something I don't want to do (whether it's join them for lunch or go sky diving) I don't have to care why they asked, I just get to put my wants and needs before theirs and say, "no thank you." Or I can choose to go to lunch with them and order something I can fit into my plan, even if it's unusual (ordering just a bowl of soup, or an appetizer or side dish, or a regular entree and only eating 1/4 of it...)

I think another reason I don't see sabotage everywhere, is because I'm not trying to "punish myself thin." I don't feel I'm sacrificing, so when someone tries to tempt me (for whatever reason) it's easy to say no thank you, because I'm not depriving myself. I've decided to "pamper myself thin."

In the past, when I was working, I would bring my lunch from home and it was such a poor excuse for a lunch that I jumped at the chance to eat out with friends. I'd make boring, punishing, "diet food." Who wouldn't want to go out to a restaurant over eating a dry salad with an equally dry chicken breast.

I've learned to create for myself the weight loss "spa atmosphere," so that it takes some pretty impressive temptation to tempt me away from my own choices. Fast food? Blech. Not when I can have a lovely, interesting low-calorie gourmet treat I made for myself....

Sure some things still are tempting, but that says more about me than it does the tempter.

ennay
04-28-2012, 05:36 PM
Sabotage is my vegetarian friend's MIL who snuck beef broth into chocolate cake to force her to eat meat products

Tempters are dealing with their own issues and you have to come up with a plan to handle them and what that plan is depends on your relationship and how important it is to you to keep them in your lives.

People who like to bake and bring baked goods to work are not saboteurs any more than the grocery store is for filling the donut case every morning. It's just what they do and it isnt aimed at you personally.

S.O.'s are often closer to attempted saboteurs but again, it is up to you to handle it.

LockItUp
04-28-2012, 06:44 PM
Sabotage is my vegetarian friend's MIL who snuck beef broth into chocolate cake to force her to eat meat products


:fr: That's horrible!!!

pixelllate
04-28-2012, 10:49 PM
Yes. Definitely did not help when I was regaining all that weight (altho the saboteur was thrilled). So now that I know the pain of the first massive regain (and the other several small regains afterwards) even if I feel hurt, I am not going to let it cause me to hurt my body again.

twinieten
04-29-2012, 12:57 AM
Besides me?

I really have no one who intentionally or subconsciously tries to throw me off track. When I first announced my diet, my husband was the worst. Maybe because he's lived through my diets before. I don't really know why, but he started shopping a lot more. He'd make multiple trips to the store and bring home all kinds of great junk!

Finally I pointed out to him that he was doing this, and asked him to follow some basic rules: 1) Try not to bring home my favorites. 2) Keep them up high or down low, not eye level. 3) Don't leave anything out or lying around and 4) Make fewer trips. I also tossed in the ultimatum to him and my kids, that if it's important, it will be eaten or put away. If it's left out, it will go in the trash, no warning, no apologies. I followed through a couple of times. He and my kids were pretty good about the snacks after that, and continue to be to this day.

Sometimes I wish I had a saboteur (outside of my family) because sometimes strengthens my resolve. It's weird when someone becomes critical of what I do or my approach, and it makes me work even harder to stick with it. Not necessarily to prove them wrong, but to just be that stubborn little girl with an attitude problem. :D

Misa66
04-29-2012, 08:05 AM
Hm true true saboteurs, I have no one who really does push things on me but almost everyone in my life doesn't understand that I'm actually on a "diet"

My mom-she offers me goodies or if she goes get pizza or fast food for my sister offers if she could get me anything but usually I decline. Sometimes she doesn't bring me some sort of dessert when she goes out to eat with my uncles but 4 out of 5 times I never eat it.

My Boyfriend-he of all people knows how much I want to lose weight, he himself is trying to get back into a good physical shape too. he's not fat whatsoever but he's the first one to say let's go get pizza! I used to bring up getting fast food way more than he did but now I refrain from it and if we do I opt out for a salad or stop myself at 2 slices of pizza. he is an EXTREMELY picky eater so I put up with this cause he would rather starve than eat food he hates that is around the house.

But my worst "saboteurs" are for sure my Co-Workers
They offer me food left and right and the closest ones know I'm on a diet but they still do it! Ugh I can't stand it! I'm getting better and declining politely but there's still the days I give in and eat that macaroni and cheese bake :/ one of them always says "don't cheat yourself, treat yourself!" I'm sorry, I'd rather treat myself with a smaller sized jeans than a second donut :/

threenorns
04-29-2012, 10:10 AM
i have more than one to deal with - and yes, it's sabotage if refusing the offering is going to cause an unholy ruckus or days/weeks of simmering resentment.

it's fine to tempt - but if the temptation is refused, go your way! why is it such a big deal?

a saboteur makes refusing the offering more detrimental than just taking it to shut them up (i've done the surreptitious binning thing more than once, too).

what i really hate is the flip-flop: my mother is obsessed with weight to the point that if i've not seen her in six months, it's the first thing she says - "oh, no, you've gained weight again" or "oh, you've lost weight!" (often followed by "how long is it going to last this time?") - even before "hi! it's good to see you!". and yet, if i try to maintain a diet in her presence, it's like something short-circuits and she is constantly asking me to get her an ice cream or did we want to go to dairy queen and so on.

AlmostMe
04-29-2012, 11:23 AM
I don't have anyone who's trying to sabotage me on my weight. But my mother truly likes me to be fat. She was fatter than me for a long, long time and she hated it. Now I'm fatter than her and she lords it over me. She looooves it. If I lived anywhere near her (she lives in the US, I live in England) she'd sabotage me for sure. When she's around she sabotages me on smoking, leaves my favourite brand of cigarettes lying about where I could easily just take one and she knows it.

Fortunately for me the approach I've taken for weight loss has no forbidden foods so brownies, etc. aren't a problem. If I'm hungry and that's what I want to eat, I can have it. But if I listen to my body, it's almost never hungry for brownies. My head is sometimes hungry for brownies and for sure my wounded soul gets hungry for brownies, but my body doesn't want brownies.

BusyB
04-29-2012, 11:29 AM
I truly didn't realize how strongly people felt about that question.

I'd like to clarify something, I know its up to me to make good choices, but I would appreciate if my boss would be supportive rather than tempting. I've gone as far as to tell her that, even tell her "don't bring the left over cake to me, I don't want it " then the next morning she brings as much as she can carry and hands it to me saying "I brought this just for you". It isn't that she puts it in a common area for everyone to enjoy, its specifically for the only person trying toose weight. Annoying.

Anyway, I'm glad everyone shared their experience, some of which were just down right shocking! What kind of people force animal products on vegan? Who points out weight fluctuations before saying hello? Just horrible.

No matter what you want to call them, I'm sticking to my plan and living a healthy lifestyle whether people that surround me are supportive or not.

TiffNeedsChange
04-29-2012, 11:40 AM
I am my own biggest saboteur too. Though my mom is my second biggest one. I have recently discovered that she was leaving outin certain ingredients of meal or skewing her calorie count that she made for the family including me. For example she said that she didn't add any fat to the gravy, except she did. I have learned to strictly eat what I make for myself or only very small portions of what she makes for me. I am not sure that she does this on purpose, it is almost like she doesn't realize how much fat the juice from a baked chicken has in it-so I am trying to explain/teach her things. She and my brother have gotten better about putting their junk food in the cabinets so that I don't have to stare it down everytime I get a glass of water :)

sontaikle
04-29-2012, 11:54 AM
I truly didn't realize how strongly people felt about that question.

I'd like to clarify something, I know its up to me to make good choices, but I would appreciate if my boss would be supportive rather than tempting. I've gone as far as to tell her that, even tell her "don't bring the left over cake to me, I don't want it " then the next morning she brings as much as she can carry and hands it to me saying "I brought this just for you". It isn't that she puts it in a common area for everyone to enjoy, its specifically for the only person trying toose weight. Annoying.

Anyway, I'm glad everyone shared their experience, some of which were just down right shocking! What kind of people force animal products on vegan? Who points out weight fluctuations before saying hello? Just horrible.

No matter what you want to call them, I'm sticking to my plan and living a healthy lifestyle whether people that surround me are supportive or not.

You can ask until you're blue in the face, but you can't force others to be supportive of your efforts. It sucks, but that's the way it is.

My mother is the same way sometimes. She'll say "but I bought this for you" and while I used to feel guilty and eat things, now I just ignore them. It's taken some time (It was almost a year ago that I started to lose the majority of my weight) but now she doesn't do this anymore.

Just keep at it and remain strong. People will learn. Thinking of it as sabotage gives others power over you. Just remember ennay's example and be glad no one is truly sabotaging you!!


I don't know if you want to do this, but others have suggested taking the items and throwing them away in front of the offending party and stressing that you asked they never be given to you. I did this once recently when I friend would just NOT SHUT UP about me taking a piece of dessert. I truly didn't want it (I was never a big sweets person to begin with) and finally I took it and threw it away. She looked at me in horror and I said "maybe now you get that I didn't want it?"

I think she's still mad at me, but quite frankly I just don't care anymore. I'm not letting others have power over my food choices.

ElociN2392
04-29-2012, 12:23 PM
I read this post a couple of days ago and for some reason was just thinking about it when I had a shower, lol.
I came up with a wonderful explanation - she's taking you out so that she can see what you will order for yourself, and how much you eat, because she want's to know what you are doing different that she did since you are losing the weight and she didn't.
But then I re read the whole thing about her purposely bringing you fattening foods, that's awful and clearly states that she is obviously very jealous of you.
You should be flattered, really, don't let her crack you. Next time I would actually do what the others are saying, and throw it out in front of her.
If it gets bad enough that she finds an excuse to 'fire' you, just go to the labor board.
:)