Weight Loss Support - Comments from skinny friend well meant, but hurtful.




TiffNeedsChange
04-22-2012, 03:19 PM
So last night my friend had her 30th birthday party at a club and reserved a VIP section. She was concerned that I wouldn't be able to go because I am dealing with foot issues (supposed to be wearing 2 walking boots but waiting for a new one to come in). So I wore my braces and tennis shoes with a really cute shirt and some dark jeans. Well, she and all of her closer friends were wearing mini skirts, high heels, and dresses (they are all normal weight/skinny). :o

I had a great time, had a few drinks, and even danced for a couple of hours (wasn't feeling any pain lol). I really enjoyed myself, then about 20 minutes before I left I was kissing my boyfriend and my friend pinched my butt playing around. So I started talking to her and she out of the blue said "I think you're really cute! I know you want to lose weight but I think you're really cute, and it is all here she made a hand gesture*to face* and your personality." :?: Which I know she meant well but after that I was so self conscious and it really hurt my feelings. It made me think -So my body can't be cute just because I am bigger? I mean I know I am not perfect but I didn't think that I looked bad or not cute-including my body. Or maybe not just cute, but beautiful or sexy!

*Sigh* those types of comments really make me feel like I am different from "everyone" else (i.e. people smaller than me). I know she was drunk and didn't mean to hurt my feelings but she did. I guess for someone who has NEVER been fat much less have much fat on their body they just don't get how that kind of comment can be perceived. I just want to feel normal, like I fit in regardless :( It was pretty embarrassing , too.


Demosthenes
04-22-2012, 03:21 PM
It sounds like she was trying to be nice. It also sounds like she had been drinking. I wouldn't worry about it.

TiffNeedsChange
04-22-2012, 03:28 PM
You're right! It was just hard to hear since I already felt out of place ya know? I'm dealing with it, I think I need to work on my self esteem/confidence so that comments like that don't bother me.
By the way, is that your kitty in your Avatar? Every time I see that picture I want to pick it up and cuddle it (I am a major cat lover)


Momto2cs
04-22-2012, 03:40 PM
People say stupid things. I am sure she didn't expect to hurt your feelings. Try to forget about it and focus on your plans!

Demosthenes
04-22-2012, 04:18 PM
You're right! It was just hard to hear since I already felt out of place ya know? I'm dealing with it, I think I need to work on my self esteem/confidence so that comments like that don't bother me.
By the way, is that your kitty in your Avatar? Every time I see that picture I want to pick it up and cuddle it (I am a major cat lover)

Haha, no it's not my cat. I just googled "obese cat" and that one came up. :D

Arctic Mama
04-22-2012, 07:23 PM
You're choosing to be offended and hurt, plain and simple. And there is no need to. She is a friend, who was drunk, who felt the need to spontaneously encourage you.

Why look at it as anything other than sweetness when you *know* she didn't mean anything by it? Does that make you feel better? Does it reflect well on her? What do you gain out of choosing to hear anything but a nice, tipsy compliment from someone who clearly loves you just the way you are?


These are the questions I would be asking myself, in your shoes. Life is so much more joyful when we take every comment at face value and apply the very best intentions to the one saying it. Why choose negativity or put a slant on it when it isn't absolutely explicit in the words or tone of the person? Why take that heaviness on yourself, when you could instead just choose to feel good about the fact that you're cute and lovable as is, and the best parts about you (and ANYONE) have nothing to do with looks?

It might be time to do some soul searching as to why you're letting yourself be hurt when none need be felt. So much of our work on self confidence and weight issues is mental, accepting compliments gracefully is included in that and I know it was something I struggled with for years. Just think about it, okay?

:hug:

linJber
04-22-2012, 08:18 PM
Well - here's a positive thing you can take from this: She thinks you're pretty and have a nice personality. Those things are more permanent than your weight. you know you'll be healthier and also look better when you lose weight. It's obvious you'll be close to perfect! Pretty face, nice personality, great figure! Look on the bright side. I have to assume you will be totally irresistible in a few more pounds.

Lin

astrophe
04-22-2012, 08:44 PM
So you friend tried to pay you a compliment. Why not take it as a compliment? And continue the feel good? You had a nice time out, had a good time with BF, and your pal thinks you are pretty and have a great personality?

So you have a body project on the side -- so what? You can't do that AND still be pretty and have a great personality?

I think it is great that you are trying to work on learning to accept compliments at face value. Just smile and go "Thanks!" and then don't overthink it, the motivation of the person giving it, etc. Take the feel good and well... feel good! :)

A.

Volschika007
04-22-2012, 09:23 PM
I agree with everyone else that it was a compliment and you should take it as one, but I also know where you're coming from. I've had the same sort of comments before and they make me feel the same way. And just like you I get tired of being called cute! It seems like the only person who calls me beautiful is my mom and no one calls me sexy. (except my friend with a fat fetish...and that just makes me feel even worse :/ ) but your friend was drunk and it probably never even crossed her mind that it could be taken as a negative comment about your body. she meant well :)

Beach Patrol
04-23-2012, 02:25 PM
I know how you feel; sometimes those we love say things that hurts our feelings... they don't MEAN TO, but yet... that's how we "take it."

I agree with others - don't go down that road! - she was COMPLIMENTING YOU, so take the compliment for what it's worth (a friend who LOVES you!!!) and ignore the cruel & petty inner voice that is somehow chastising you by using your friend's well intentions. :hug:

TiffNeedsChange
04-23-2012, 06:30 PM
Thanks y'all! I definitely need to work on focusing on the positives in more than one facet of life. I struggle with accepting my new identity as a overweight person because so long I allowed myself to ignore that my obesity existed. I am grateful to have so many people in my life that accept me regardless... I just need to learn how to accept myself. She was definitely paying me a compliment and now that it was a few days ago the hurt is gone and I can see the mind twist I did by focusing on the negative. This journey has been bringing me many uncomfortable realizations that I am learning to come to terms with. To be honest that night was the first night that I have felt that alive in years. It reminded me that there is more to life that what is inside these 4 walls and food. Have y'all ever had to drag yourself out and end up having fun? It seems I have to do that everytime I leave the house, but more nights like that and I just might start feeling better
and less like an old lady at 28. Eh, I'm rambling. Thanks for bringing me back to reality and sharing your stories :)
@Volschika-i have known a fat fetish person and it is white the strange experience!
@beachpatrol-you are 100% about the mean inner voice, it is like I subconsciously carry on where my dad left off in talking down to myself! Gotta get rid of that evil booger