General chatter - Bridesmaids dilemna




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Goody3shoes
04-16-2012, 08:25 AM
So I'm getting married next september and I had my wedding party all set. My best friend as man of honor, my other best friend as maid of honor and another friend as Matron of honor. Well first my maid of honor is kinda psycho and my fiance has been telling me for months she's not a very nice person, but I didn't listen.First she decided that she would not come to my wedding if I invited one of my other bridesmaids because they had a falling out, which really I don't think is fair, a best friend would not refuse to go to your wedding because she doesn't like one other person. RIght? A few weeks ago my man of honor confronted her and she ended up deleting me on facebook which means we're no longer friends. So one bridesmaid down. Then my matron of honor started talking the maid of honor and eventually I got some very mean texts about what a horrible person I am and though we made up I don't really want her to be my matron of honor anymore. So now i'm down to 2 (possibly 3, but i'm not sure about the third because she is in the army stationed in another state). My fiance has 6 groomsmen and I want to have the same number of bridesmaids for symmetry. It really hurts how my two closest friends were so awful. le sigh. :(


bargoo
04-16-2012, 08:34 AM
Do you have sisters or cousins who could take their place ? I ,frankly, think that with friends like this, you don't need enemies.

SugarRomeoTango4852
04-16-2012, 08:51 AM
I am a little sad. I may not know you at all but if I was in Southern Cali, I woudl come be a bridesmaid for you. It is your day and it isn't fair that your friends are stomping on it for you.

I am sure you have tried this but I would be neglectful if I didnt' suggest it. Have you sat down with both of them and explain how they are making you feel? If they really are your besties, they will understand and respect it. If they don't, they can still be your besties, but gently tell them that you don't need their added stress on what is suposed to be on thee of the best days of your life and you would appreciate their support, but understand if they cannot give it.

I agree with Bargoo, if you have sister's or cousin's (that you are even a tiny bit!) close to you should talk to them if it does not work out with the others.

Let us know how it goes!


Goody3shoes
04-16-2012, 08:56 AM
I don't have sisters and I'm not really close to my cousins. I've been thinking of asking my fiances sisters, but I'm not super close to them, but closer than to my cousins.
Yeah, everyone says that about my friends. I can never keep a grudge so people tend to be mean since they know they can without repercussions. Plus they tend to take advantage of me, monetarily and emotionally, because I'm too nice and take care of my friends. My fiance's friend asked me tonight how I can have such a kind heart to deal with and help out all of my little wounded bird people. My maid of honor will not talk to me at all and I've made up with the other one, but not enough that I want her in my wedding photos.

threenorns
04-16-2012, 08:56 AM
rule number one (that brides never seem to follow):

IT'S YOUR FREAKING WEDDING!!!!

YOU'RE THE BOSS!!!!

IT'S THE ONE TIME IN YOUR LIFE WHEN IF YOU WANT THE ENTIRE WEDDING PARTY TO WEAR BLACK CREPE WITH TIN FOIL HATS AND DO THE MACARENA DOWN THE AISLE, THEY HAVE TO DO IT!

that means nobody has a say in who you pick and if someone has an issue with another of the guests, they suck it up and be polite out of respect for you.

if they can't do that, feel free to uninvite them and i would seriously SERIOUSLY reconsider having them as friends. sometimes wounded birds don't need help - they need to be put down out of mercy.

you have two bridesmaids left: promote one of them to maid/matron of honour. corral relatives to fill in the line. if not relatives, then at least ppl you know whom you can be reasonably confident aren't going to act like tools.

remember: drama is the BRIDE'S prerogative - nobody else has any right to indulge. they can wait for their own bloody wedding.

*fuming*

Goody3shoes
04-16-2012, 09:06 AM
Threenorms- I love that about wounded birds need to be shot and put out of their misery. Awesome! My best guy friend is going to be my man of honor so that's ok, but I'm not even sure if any of my family or my fiances would want to be my bridesmaid. Maybe I can make new friends in the next 16 months. lol
I might use the black crepe and tin foil hats thing.

threenorns
04-16-2012, 09:11 AM
er... you don't ask: you inform.

it's kinda like jury duty - unless you're going to be out of the country, you HAVE to do it.

i had to be a bridesmaid even though it involved wearing fuschia brocade in a size that made me look like i was wearing curtains seized from an illegal bordello. i refuse to be the only one to have to suffer so.

Goody3shoes
04-16-2012, 09:16 AM
You're description of a bridesmaid dress was hilarious! I am one of the most non-confrontational people in the world so it's hard for me to assert myself even though it's my wedding. I'm the opposite of a bridezilla, I think too much about everyone that isn't me.

ButterCup85
04-16-2012, 09:21 AM
You've gotten some really great advice already. But, I would like to reiterate it's your wedding day. You'll remember it forever. My friends and ex mother inlaw made my wedding day horrid and all the years I was married and the ones I've been divorced I think back to it and am completely disgusted.

It was my day, and my husbands day at the time. No one has any right to make it their day. And, as far as I'm concerned who needs even numbers? Be unconventional, do whatever the H E double hockey sticks you want to do! I am thankful I get a second chance, cause it will be much different and I wont be having bridesmaids or bestmen. It's our day and we will be the only ones standing up there and avoiding any drama or stress in that department.

You don't need to stress, nor do you need to let anyone else stress you. You may be a bit of a push over like you say. But, this day will remain forever, and you have every right to make it as amazing as possible. If you center it around people that have no respect for you or your feelings, or people you hardly know and don't feel comfy then that is your thing. Nothing wrong with it.

But, just be happy with whatever choice you make. You deserve it. And, anyone who doesn't smile and say yes I'll do that, it's your day. I'd consider not keeping them around period, and definitely not keeping them around or part of one of the most precious days you will have in your whole life.

You need to get angry, girl! Get angry and stand up for yourself, and make your day amazing. It seems your feelings have been hurt enough, go get happy and disregard anyone's thoughts who aren't respectful to you and your one day you ask for.

Sorry if it sounds harsh, you deserve a great day. They can't care for you on normal days, don't expect them to make n important day any better.

And really, as far as I'm concerned wedding days, the attention should pretty much just be focused on the woman and our feelings. And then the other little bit on the groom lol. Ugh, I wish I could taljk to your friends! Good luck and please don't do something you aren't happy with. You'll regret it and you'll regret it forever- at least I did!

MiZTaCCen
04-16-2012, 09:35 AM
Wow, one I'd cut that chick completely out of my wedding and not even invite her as a guest for her disguting behaviour.

Two: sign up to meetup.com and meet some new people through there maybe you can find someone who can be a true friend and replace that sad excuse of a friend completely. lol

Three I agree completely with what Threenorms had to say. lol

and four...good luck! If I ever get married one day I'm eloping forget all this crap. haha

Goody3shoes
04-16-2012, 09:42 AM
Yikes! Buttercup! I'm sorry about your wedding! Yay for second chances though.
My gbf(gay best friend-my man of honor) always does the defending for me because anger is not my strong point. Plus, like you guys, reiterates that it's my day and that the girls are just being awful people so they don't deserve to be my friends.
Mother-in-laws are scary. My fiance and his best friends all think my future mother in awesome and really cool, but I get bad vibes from her, like she doesn't like me. When we got engaged she wasn't very pleased. She's always cordial, but it's that kind of nice that doesn't really ring true. :hug:

astrophe
04-16-2012, 09:45 AM
So just be uneven.

There. Prob solved, less stress.

It's not like there HAS to be evenness. There rarely is, and rather than put in some lukewarm placeholder people, just have the people you really enjoy and like to share in your honors.

A.

Goody3shoes
04-16-2012, 09:49 AM
MiZTaCCen: I would elope, but my family would freak and so would my fiances if they didn't get to be there. I'm hoping that my "friend" moves away before I finalize the list so I don't have to tell her she can't be in my wedding, which will be awkward since we've been planning since we were 16.
Meetup sound good, thanks for the advice!

cherrypie
04-16-2012, 10:11 AM
go with your fiances sisters. It will help with your mother in law as well. And just lose the other friends. Who needs drama like that?

Goody3shoes
04-16-2012, 10:25 AM
Thanks Cherrypie. That seems to be the consensus for ditching my crazy friends.
I hadn't though about how his sisters will improve relations with his mother! Thanks!

XLMuffnTop
04-16-2012, 10:38 AM
I would ditch your crazy friends as well.

If you're worried about symmetry for pictures, why not have some of your husband's entourage stand on your side? You're already (I'm assuming) having a guy in a tux on your side with your male friend. It doesn't matter the male's sexual orientation to cross over to the "bride's side". I knew lots of women that were more comfortable with male friends and had a "man of honor" instead of the traditional maid of honor. This way you don't feel pressured into having people you aren't comfortable with in your wedding but avoid lopsided pictures.

I hope you find something you're happy with so you can look back on the pictures of the event fondly for years.

Goody3shoes
04-16-2012, 10:41 AM
Thanks XL, good advice!

ade903
04-16-2012, 12:00 PM
rule number one (that brides never seem to follow):

IT'S YOUR FREAKING WEDDING!!!!

YOU'RE THE BOSS!!!!

IT'S THE ONE TIME IN YOUR LIFE WHEN IF YOU WANT THE ENTIRE WEDDING PARTY TO WEAR BLACK CREPE WITH TIN FOIL HATS AND DO THE MACARENA DOWN THE AISLE, THEY HAVE TO DO IT!

Prime reason why I HATE weddings.

Thistleberry
04-16-2012, 12:47 PM
I think asking the groom's sisters is a lovely idea. I've had three brothers get married and not once was I asked to be in the wedding party. I'd have loved to be included.

As for this YOUR DAY stuff... it's true. It is your day. But I disagree that brides never seem to follow that "number one rule" threenorns mentioned. There is no reason to turn into bridezilla. Making your bridal party miserable is not going to result in a good time. If you ask them to do truly bizarre things remember that they do no have to do them and can instead opt out entirely. You do get to pick out what they wear and how they look but doing so to humiliate them is just mean-spirited. (Note: Not that I honestly think you're considering black crepe, tin foil hats, and the macerena. You seem far too sweet for that. I'm just throwing it out there.)

ade903
04-16-2012, 02:48 PM
As for this YOUR DAY stuff... it's true.

Then the bride and groom should cover the whole cost of everything. Bachelorette party, bridal gowns, travel arrangements, etc. I think people have blown up what weddings are for. Really, is it necessary to blow $10,000+ on them? Plus all of the money your loved ones waste on it? I'm in a second wedding this year, having already blown $1000 on the first. I can gaurantee that besides my sister, I will never be in another wedding. And then there is the year or two before the wedding where it is all anyone can talk about. One more discussion on invitation text, direction wording, center pieces, etc, and I might just lose it.

Candeka
04-16-2012, 04:19 PM
You have 16 months. I am sure you'll meet atleast one or two women in that time period that you could ask to be your bridesmaids. If not, I would either ask the sisters-in-law or have some of the groomsmen on your side as previously mentioned.

As for the issue of bridezilla and if brides should pay for everything, it really depends on how crazy expensive the bridesmaid dresses are and if they can be worn again. I had to pay $250 for my bridesmaid dress at my friends wedding. At first I was pissed at the cost since you can get nice dresses for $50 dollars, but I can wear the dress again to other weddings or super dressy events so its not like I spent that much money for a one time thing. Plus, I liked the dress. Brides can't force people to wear AND pay for something they hate. If they get to have an opinion on the dress than they can pay (unless the bride wants something thats $400!)... but if you are choosing the dress and they have no say whatsoever, than the bride should totally cover the cost.

Natasha22
04-16-2012, 04:51 PM
It's your special day and if your friends can't understand that, than they weren't truly your friends to begin with, so you haven't lost anything. I agree with asking your future husband's sisters, it's a lovely idea and I'm sure they'll appreciate it.

konfyoozed
04-16-2012, 06:08 PM
i agree with the advice to ask members of your fiance's family to stand in, if you really want equal numbers, and don't have anyone you want to ask in your family or circle of friends. my wedding party was small. i had a maid of honor and 2 brides maids, my husband had a best man and two groomsmen one of whom was my brother (because his other brother couldn't make it).

it's your day, try not to stress it too much. my mantra that got me through it all was "my wedding will be perfect even if everything goes wrong, as long as it's legal at the end of the day" :)

SensualSiren
04-16-2012, 06:19 PM
I also had bridesmaids issues at my wedding. By the time we got to the day, the final lineup included a coworker as my maid of honor, my best friend from highschool, the daughter of my husband's mom's best friend, and my younger cousin (who was 10 at the time) as bridesmaids, and my littlest female cousin (at the time) as a flower girl. To be honest, I haven't seen my maid of honor or the daughter of my husband's mom's best friend in years, but they worked out so well for my wedding, and I do not regret choosing them. My maid of honor was great because she is very personable and had been the maid of honor before for her closer friends. I'm a bit socially awkward whereas she is a social butterfly. She is the kind of "popular girl" who wants to help everyone feel their best, so she was happy to pick out lipstick and stuff with me.

On a cost note, when I got married I tried to pick the least expensive bridesmaids dress that I could find. We actually picked one out in the store and then found it cheaper online. My parents covered the cost of some of the dresses even after that.

When you ask people to be in your wedding they will most likely say yes because it is socially acceptable to say yes. If I were you, I'd look for someone who has done it before and liked it.

With regard to your fiance's sisters, I think it could be great to ask them as long as you get along with them. It could be a great chance for you guys to hang out and get to know each other better. If they like you, then they will talk you up to his mom. Also, it will be convenient for you all to be close when/if you begin having children. A bonus for asking his sisters is that if you are too nervous, then he can ask for you.

I hope you have an amazing wedding!

patchworkpenguin
04-16-2012, 08:18 PM
Talk about lopsided pictures. I had a matron of honor and a flowergirl while Hubby had 5-6 groomsmen {his friends + 1 brother}. I wasn't really upset at the time, but 15 years later its kinda funny!

Thistleberry
04-16-2012, 11:23 PM
Then the bride and groom should cover the whole cost of everything. Bachelorette party, bridal gowns, travel arrangements, etc. I think people have blown up what weddings are for. Really, is it necessary to blow $10,000+ on them? Plus all of the money your loved ones waste on it? I'm in a second wedding this year, having already blown $1000 on the first. I can gaurantee that besides my sister, I will never be in another wedding. And then there is the year or two before the wedding where it is all anyone can talk about. One more discussion on invitation text, direction wording, center pieces, etc, and I might just lose it.


I didn't mean that it's the bride's (and groom's!) day to the exclusion of all else. In fact, that was my point. One should always be mindful of how they treat their loved ones.

And I'm right there with you on the cost. I'd rather put ten grand toward a house.

chickadee32
04-16-2012, 11:41 PM
Just a though on the number of people in the wedding party: mine was quite uneven (I had 8 bridesmaids and my husband had 4 groomsmen), and we just had each groomsman walk down the aisle with two bridesmaids, one on each side of him. It was really cute actually, and I think it would be equally cute if each of your bridesmaids were walking with a groomsman on each arm. :)

Anssett
04-17-2012, 12:37 AM
Pick people you want in your wedding party and don't pick people you don't. Don't stress about symmetry with the groomsmen. What matters is that you include people you love. The rest is drama.

Goody3shoes
04-17-2012, 12:39 AM
Thanks everyone! I'm not planning on making my bridesmaids do anything special really. I would like them to match and look presentable, but other than that, nothing too crazy. We're all poor college students so I wouldn't ever make them get something expensive. I've been toying with just choosing a color and just letting them choose what they're going to wear. We're not going to have a giant expensive wedding because well, we're going to have just graduated from college and won't have the money. As it is we have maybe 100 dollars saved for it. Luckily my friends, the ones I have left anyway, and his friends are helping with everything. One is a dj so he'll do the music, I'm making the cake myself and my man of honor and I are doing the food ourselves.

chickadee32
04-17-2012, 12:59 AM
I've been toying with just choosing a color and just letting them choose what they're going to wear.

That's what we did. We were having a Saturday evening wedding in November, and I specified a black dress, ankle or floor length, with straps (no sleeves and not strapless). We ended up with one bridesmaid in a calf-length dress, two bridesmaids in strapless dresses, and one bridesmaid in a one-shoulder dress - and everyone looked spectacular. Everyone spent what they wanted and found something they liked and would wear again. One of my friends just mentioned a few months ago that she wore her dress yet again to another event - more than 8 years after the wedding. Definitely a good way to go I think.

cherrypie
04-17-2012, 01:28 AM
we got married on easter weekend and I had bridesmaid all over the continent. A couple were 6 feet tall and willowy, one was 5 feet tall and all boob. The spring before there were lots of suits out in pastels that all had short sleeves and skirts. They all wore different colours and had a jacket that flattered them. They carried white bouquets and I had all of their colours in my flowers. Looked great

threenorns
04-17-2012, 02:16 AM
definitely beats wearing The Happy Hooker's afghan.

that's me on the left - oh crikey, i forgot about the hat.... *shudder*

http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/183779_10150108045502105_584947104_6683510_7583693 _n.jpg

sontaikle
04-17-2012, 06:44 AM
That's what we did. We were having a Saturday evening wedding in November, and I specified a black dress, ankle or floor length, with straps (no sleeves and not strapless). We ended up with one bridesmaid in a calf-length dress, two bridesmaids in strapless dresses, and one bridesmaid in a one-shoulder dress - and everyone looked spectacular. Everyone spent what they wanted and found something they liked and would wear again. One of my friends just mentioned a few months ago that she wore her dress yet again to another event - more than 8 years after the wedding. Definitely a good way to go I think.

Did everyone look great together? I'm planning on just picking a color and having everyone get their own dress too, simply because all of my bridesmaids are all over the place in terms of height and size.

Goody3shoes
04-17-2012, 10:12 AM
My only issue with letting them pick their own dresses is that my friends don't have the greatest fashion sense. I think I'm going to let them pick their dresses, but I'll have veto rights if their choices are hideous.

konfyoozed
04-17-2012, 11:56 AM
the only advice i have to offer is if you want them to look the same color in the pictures, make sure every one picks the same type of material. shiny materials like satin photo differently than material like chiffon. i told my bridesmaids that the rule was "chiffon in this color" and they all ended up liking the dress that i wanted, so my bridesmaids all ended up in the same dress even though i told them they could pick something else if they hated it. and since the dresses were about $100 and could be worn for other dressy events later down the road, they were not upset about the expense.