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Volschika007
04-15-2012, 05:12 PM
So I live with my boyfriend in a place my parents own. They're supporting me through college. My parents bought us a new oven that's really nice. Our old one wasn't very efficient and they found a really good deal.

Apparently the stop top of this one is "induction." I had no clue what that was. Its apparently more efficient, but the drawback is that it requires pots and pans that a magnet can stick to. This is how the stove top heats things up.

Well my boyfriends pots aren't magnetic. And he's basically mad that they got us a new oven that "doesn't work." It makes me really upset because I want him to just be grateful that my parents spent the money to get us a new oven. I found a thing called an "interface disk" that will allow his old pots to be used, but its going to be about a week before we can get one. So until then he's mad. My dad could tell he was mad which of course just makes him look ungrateful, too. I also think it was disrespectful to act that way.

I just ended someplace to vent. Sigh.


bargoo
04-15-2012, 05:40 PM
I have had an induction oven and didn't need anything special in the way of pots and pans. Is this something new ?
If I am reading this correcty , your parents own this house, they can put anything into it that they choose to.
Correction : I had a convection oven, didn't need anything special. I guess induction ovens are different.

summerlove
04-15-2012, 05:40 PM
:hug: Sounds like your boyfriend is a bit of a controlling type (everything has to go "his" way, and if something doesn't work he gets mad). That totally sucks and I know the feeling of being caught between family and your significant other, it isn't fun :(

Please dont tell me he gets to live there rent-free..


Volschika007
04-15-2012, 05:47 PM
bargoo - ya we tried regular pans and it wouldn't work. we found in the manual that the pans have to be able to carry a magnetic current...so i tested a pot that a magnet would stick to and it worked. and they do own the place and that's what I tried to explain to him

summerlove - it really does. and this just seems like the last straw for my parents. i just don't want to be in the middle because it seems like no matter what i do someone will be mad at me

MariaMaria
04-15-2012, 06:19 PM
If he's your boyfriend, how about he uses your pots?

The landlord can obviously do what s/he wants with teh property, but personally I'd be kind of annoyed if my landlord "fixed" my kitchen so that I could no longer cook dinner. I mean, who _does_ that? And who rents out a house/apartment with a kitchen that needs special pots and pans?

summerlove
04-15-2012, 06:34 PM
If he's your boyfriend, how about he uses your pots?

The landlord can obviously do what s/he wants with teh property, but personally I'd be kind of annoyed if my landlord "fixed" my kitchen so that I could no longer cook dinner. I mean, who _does_ that? And who rents out a house/apartment with a kitchen that needs special pots and pans?

It's her parents property, and their previous oven wasn't working properly.

threenorns
04-15-2012, 06:42 PM
OMFG - they bought you an ****Induction***** stove!?????

can they adopt me, please!!!!!!?

holy crap - your bf's *really* gonna need a tampon once you get the pots working bec i guarantee he's gonna burn the living **** outta stuff until he gets used to it!

takes about 2 minutes (literally!) to boil a litre (quart) of water!

that being said, what about picking up some cast iron to do for the time being? the pots only have to be magnetic, not fancy-dancy special.



on a side note, about your bf? toss that one back - he's too small.

Rainbowgirl
04-15-2012, 06:44 PM
I second the tampon suggestion. Or maybe suggest he take a time out in the naughty corner with a juice box. He's acting like a child and should be THANKFUL that your parents sprung for a better oven rather than just a cheap replacement of the one you had. My god, I lived in a 300 sq ft basement suite for 4 years with a fridge whose freezer wouldn't keep things frozen because the landlord above me decided it was too expensive to fix. And when the toilet overflowed while *I* was at work (my toilet) I was somehow blamed for it. The next suite I lived in, in the same house, had HILLS!!! in the counters (legitimate hills!) and walls that didn't reach the floor.

He should be very thankful for what you guys have and were upgraded to.

berryblondeboys
04-15-2012, 07:18 PM
So, your parents bought a high quality stove with an induction cooktop and your boyfriends cheap pots don't work. Time to invest in some new pots, if you ask me.

Maybe show him why it's better and it is by far better than a standard electric stove.

and if we had the money, I would have gotten a 36" induction cooktop and spent the money on new pots if needed than go with the 36" gas cooktop we got instead.

He's being a dick.

Volschika007
04-15-2012, 07:47 PM
he really is being ridiculous. i found a thing called an interface disk that will allow ALL pots to be used. so he's whining about not being able to use them until it ships in a few days. until then we do have some pots that will work, they just aren't his favorites. (boo hoo.)

i understand being irritated that he can't use his pans for a little bit, but he really just came across rude to my dad. who btw bought the oven, loaded it onto a cart to get into my place, and installed it and then also hauled off the old oven. he had to help him physically lift the thing some, but for the most part my dad did everything for us. i was just so embarrassed and mad at the way he acted. he's agreed to apologize to my dad, but it sorta feels like the damage has been done. no matter what he says now my parents will never believe he's actually thankful for what they did.

I for one am super excited about the stove. I hated having to wait about 30 minutes just to boil water to cook something. This thing is awesome. My parents got the thing at about 75% at a going out of business sale. I feel extremely lucky to be getting such a nice stove/oven. I just wish he'd feel and see things my way.

kaplods
04-15-2012, 08:45 PM
Is your boyfriend by any chace a professional (or passionate amateur) chef/cook?

I would guess, yes - because I know my hubby would have a very difficult time concealing his displeasure if we found ourselves in this situation. If our landlord replaced our cook top with an induction cook top, we'd probably have to move (in his ideal kitchen we would have a gas oven/stove top and an electric oven/stovetop - "because different foods cook best using the different properties of electric and gas."

We were once looking at new stoves (when we were considering buying a home) and I asked the salesperson about the induction cook tops (just out of curiosity) and before the salesperson could get in more than a few words, my husband went on a 20 minute disgusted tirade about the superiority of both gas and electric over induction. He also teased that of course I would like it, because I cooked everything on high heat (which is true, I'm a very impatient cook).

He likewise is very opinionated on the topic of cookware and knives (he actually has a set that I'm not allowed to use because I don't use them properly and he's afraid the knives or I will be hurt - and sometimes I think he's more concerned about the knives).

He absolutely HATES the non-stick cookware my sister gave us for our wedding (luckily the set came with some nice copper bottom stainless that he was happy with, so he could truthfully compliment those when my sister asked).

I'm not saying it makes your boyfriend's behavior ok, but if he's only rude/arrogant/opinionated on a very small number of topics, I don't think this is an insurmountable problem. If this is a relatively isolated incident your boyfriend and parents will get over it. If it's chronic behavior, you will have to decide whether it's something you're willing to live with.

Volschika007
04-15-2012, 10:09 PM
If it's chronic behavior, you will have to decide whether it's something you're willing to live with.

He's not a chef in any sense of the word. His diet consists of grilled cheese, frozen pizzas, and frozen chicken with frozen fries. lol. he has very little variety in his diet mostly because he's very picky. I think he's just OCD about some things or something. I think eliminating 1 of his few foods (grilled cheese) for a bit upset him, but I don't know. It's not like he makes them THAT often.

It really is sorta "chronic behavior." And its mostly isolated with my parents. He's fine when its just me and him but I find myself embarrassed or upset with his behavior around other people. My parents in particular because I expect him to respect them. I think he does respect them to a degree, but clearly not as much as he should or he would have never been so rude to my dad. He says it was just displaced anger at the stove top not working with his pans, but no matter what caused it..its not acceptable behavior. And only worsens the issues between him and my parents. They already feel like he doesn't want them around and hates doing anything with them.

The stove top issue is just one part of a big ugly puzzle. One that has to be solved because I can't spend the rest of my life playing peacekeeper. And I won't.

bargoo
04-15-2012, 10:25 PM
This boy has a lot to learn. When you rent you find out your couch is too big, or you can't fit your king size bed in the bedroom, there are not enough kitchen cupboards or clothes closets , the neighbor plays loud music all night at least one of these thnigs is bound to apply. You learn to live with it.

Volschika007
04-15-2012, 10:35 PM
This boy has a lot to learn. When you rent you find out your couch is too big, or you can't fit your king size bed in the bedroom, there are not enough kitchen cupboards or clothes closets , the neighbor plays loud music all night at least one of these thnigs is bound to apply. You learn to live with it.

I think he does feel like he should have more say in the place. Partly because my parents own it and he feels like I have a say in it. A lot of the things my parents do, I don't have a say in either. But Im not sure I would tell them not to do anything that they have - I see them all as improvements. And I understand their point of view that the more improvements they make the more money they can sell it for one day. He says he feels like the more they do for us the more he "owes" them. That's not why they do things for us though, they do it because they love both of us and want us to have the best and be comfortable while focusing on school. I really appreciate everything they do. It just comes across as though he doesn't and that's what really bothers me.

Exhale15
04-15-2012, 10:39 PM
Sounds like your boyfriend doesn't respect your parents - there's no 'to a point' I would guess that you're getting a good deal on your living arrangements. And it is their property. Few things are worse than a SO who embarrases you. And dislikes your family. And if the issue is that he feels the more your parents do for you the more he owes them, well, maybe he does owe them & if he doesn't like that he can always take his stuff & live elsewhere.

Volschika007
04-15-2012, 10:42 PM
Sounds like your boyfriend doesn't respect your parents - there's no 'to a point' I would guess that you're getting a good deal on your living arrangements. And it is their property. Few things are worse than a SO who embarrases you. And dislikes your family.

ya that's true. we've been together 4 years, though. it doesn't seem like the respect issue and embarrasment was that big of an issue until maybe the past year. im not sure what changed. I do think he's battling depression and keeps saying he'll get help. He's supposed to in the next month. I guess I'm hanging in there hoping that if he does get help, things will go back to how they were a year ago. its sorta my last hope.

Exhale15
04-15-2012, 10:49 PM
Well, good luck with it. Sometimes people just really drag out getting help for their issues - watch out that you don't get all dragged around by all this ...

astrophe
04-16-2012, 01:38 AM
If he is depressed -- get health care, pronto.

Ever heard the expression "too much mother in that marriage?" Maybe this is that. Only it's parents and not just mother and you guys aren't married at this point. Like a "cut the apron stings" problem.

His rude behaviour is rude... but if he's feeling like you aren't seen as an adult couple by your parents the oven upset/pan upset may just be how this is coming out right now. If this is about feeling weird being obligated to your parents because you live in a house they own, and they buy lavish things for you guys like an induction stove -- I could see that. BTDT.

If it is clear they are helping you guys til grad, and then you are on your own, that's one thing. There's been a clear expectation/limit set and even he could appreciate the leg up then. But if this is "her parents always butting into our lives with no end in sight" -- that doesn't bode well for the rship.

Is it kinda like "Will we EVER be seen as an adult couple on our own? Or always Mom & Dad's 'kids' and always being beholden? And if there's relationship trouble, she's always the daughter. Am I gonna get kicked out of my home? I'm "only" the BF -- not even a husband."

Maybe he's feeling like a kept pet or something rather than a full person with a voice?

Then with you not wanting to get involved because "someone will get mad" -- for him it may feel like not even the GF wants to talk about the weird power dynamic here where he's like an island alone.

That doesn't sound good for your relationship if he can't talk to you about how he feels about the parents because you put them first. Maybe he wonders if that's how it will always be?

Talk to him. Because it doesn't sound like this is about stupid pots. In a week that prob is solved when you adapter thing comes in.

If he's trying to cut you off from your family because he's abusive and operate better than way -- that's another thing entirely. Only you are there and know for sure what's going on here.

But it isn't really about pots!

A

chickadee32
04-16-2012, 02:26 AM
Your parents are being VERY generous, IMO. But - maybe your boyfriend just feels like things aren't truly "his" in any way because you're living together in a place owned and kept up by your parents. The home is theirs, and yours in part, but much less his - he's just a guest. The set-up is very unequal in that sense, and he may feel like he doesn't have much of a say in that (quite large) aspect of your lives.

My in-laws live nearby, and when my husband and I were first living together and then married my mother in law used to come over to my house during the day while we were at work, let herself in, and clean. Or do laundry. Or leave food. Or let our cats out in the backyard (our cats are strictly indoor cats). She was being "generous" and doing things for us that she felt were loving, but it drove me up the wall. I don't want ANYONE coming into my house randomly and uninvited, whether they're there to do something nice or not. What if I'd left a dirty pair of underwear in the bathroom that morning? Or left my vibrator sitting out? Or just didn't have the energy to do the dinner dishes the night before? I hated feeling like my space wasn't really my own, and that I had to be careful how I left my home in case she came over unexpectedly. My husband didn't understand at first, because, well, he was used to his mother seeing HIS messes, and so it wasn't a big deal to him. His mom was just trying to help us, in his eyes. We argued over it numerous times before I reached my breaking point and finally told my husband it HAD to stop, and asked him tell his mother (which he did). It was such a huge relief for me when she stopped coming over like that and started calling instead to ask if we needed help with anything.

We had kind of a similar situation a few years later when my husband reached HIS breaking point, and told me that we had to start staying at a hotel when we went to visit my parents rather than staying at their house. My mother coming into our bedroom at 7am to get something out of the guest room closet and seeing my husband snoring in his underwear felt like a small intrusion to me, but it was certainly a bigger deal to him! Or her constantly asking us what was wrong when we closed the door for a few minutes to speak privately, or pushing leftovers on him day and night... etc. It was hard for me to tell my parents that we weren't going to stay with them anymore when we came into town, and I know it hurt my mother's feelings at the time... but it was the right decision. My husband and I used to fight A LOT on those trips, and he dreaded visiting my parents because of all the stress it caused. Now we don't fight when we go up there, and he's a much happier son-in-law when he sees them.

Anyway - I imagine that it would be hard to consider given that it would add to your monthly bills, but perhaps the two of you should talk about renting or buying a place of your own. One that is yours equally, and where you make decisions together regarding what's done with it, when things need replacing, etc. A place where your boyfriend can feel like something other than a guest, and doesn't feel like he has to be "grateful" all the time. I can see how it might reduce the tension between your boyfriend and your parents - which seems to really be impacting your relationship with each other - and get you out of the peacemaker role.

Just a thought.

threenorns
04-16-2012, 07:02 AM
chickadee: i'm sorry, but, help me on this one, did your husband not know your family before you got married? you got married and then sprung this whole european family on him out of the blue or something?

you should NEVER have to play peacemaker if it's your boyfriend (not even a husband, i should point out) or your husband against your parents.

me, i have the opposite problem: my bf is 100% respectful to my parents. he's hindu, so not being polite and respectful to my mother simply is not thinkable. it's THEM i've had to verbally slap down so many times! yes, i'm fully aware that he's a jerkwad but he's never that way in their presence so it means i can't even whine and vent to them because they make it a federal issue. i keep telling them "i just want to whine! all right!? leave it!" but no, they want to call him or write him on facebook or whatever. unfortunately, i can't get rid of my family although i can reduce contact to a bare minimum, which i've done.

chickadee32
04-16-2012, 10:52 AM
chickadee: i'm sorry, but, help me on this one, did your husband not know your family before you got married? you got married and then sprung this whole european family on him out of the blue or something?

LOL! My mother is kind of the opposite of the European mindset - I recall very, very clearly the phone call from my father in which he told me that it was making my mother uncomfortable when my husband (at the time, my fiance) would touch me (as in, rub my back or hug me) in front of them.

We only stayed with my parents a few times before we married, and we weren't ever allowed to stay in the same room at their house (despite the fact that we were living together) so things were somewhat different. Some of the privacy/personal space/personal time issues were definitely there then, but I think both my husband and I chalked those up to the fact that we were unmarried and thought things would calm down a bit after the wedding. They didn't.

My mother is overwhelming in general, and for an introvert like my husband it's exhausting. When we stayed with them she was always "on" - alert and tuned into to where we were, what we were doing, whether everyone was happy and ok, whether we needed anything, etc. - and when he'd start to shut down with the constant bombardment, that would push her into overdrive. Add the privacy/personal space issues on top of feeling like he was being watched like a hawk, and he was feeling a LOT of tension and stress when we'd visit them.

I doubt it's much different than how lots of other couples feel when staying with each others' families. But for us staying at a hotel was a far better solution than my husband never visiting my parents with me, which is where we would have ended up eventually.

Interestingly, we have ZERO problems when my parents come and stay at our house. My husband has his personal space that my mother would never think to intrude upon, and she's not the host and so seems far less concerned with his mood at any given second. He's relaxed and she's relaxed, and that means I can relax. It's a totally different experience.

Edit: Btw, my husband and I are both 33, soon to be 34, and have been married now for eight and a half years. It's not like we're super young and having these issues!

Volschika007
04-16-2012, 12:12 PM
There is an end in sight to my parents helping us so much. I graduate in December and have full intentions of getting a full time job and paying rent. I currently do not pay rent...which is why its not an option to live anywhere else. My parents actually bought this place just for me to live in while I go to college and intend to sell it when I move out in a year or so. The monthly payment is actually lower buying it than it would be renting anything nearby..and even though its still pretty small its a lot bigger than many of the other options in the same price range. I think we would have droven each other crazy had we been stuck in something even smaller.

I do get that he probably feels like this place isn't his, but there's not much either of us can do about it right now. At least not until I graduate.

I do feel like its as much his fault as my parents. Everything thats happening. My parents say he makes them feel like they aren't welcome in our place. And my dad coming to install the stove was the first time they've been in here in about 3 months. My parents NEVER come in uninvited. I wouldn't even allow that. They always call first. They do have a key but they never use it unless they have permission too (if neither of us are home but they need in for some reason.)

He's actually going to his doc for a check up today and will be asking for a referral to see someone about his depression. I know it won't fix everything, but I honestly feel like a lot of our issues boil down to that. Just like how he never wants to go out and do anything. Its not like I like to get out that often but I also can't take staying inside for weeks at a time. Its just not healthy.

I really want this to work but it just feels like as soon as one issue is fixed here comes another one. Is that how all relationships are? Or are we maybe just not meant to be together...?

astrophe
04-16-2012, 12:20 PM
I really want this to work but it just feels like as soon as one issue is fixed here comes another one. Is that how all relationships are? Or are we maybe just not meant to be together...?

That depends.

There's always something going on that Life flings your way. I've been with DH for 18 years... most of them married. But we function as a team and deal with the things that come along. So in that sense - YES. There is always SOMETHING going on. But we're happy with each other and the relationship.

I'm a chronic patient -- but it is not depression. It is PCOS/IR. So in the sense of the relationship having that on the table -- similar to you also. It's just me who is the patient person rather than him. In your situation it is him.

Anyway... Life things happen. But that's not the issue at hand.

If you think the main prob is his depression and you are willing to stick with him while he seeks treatment that's fine. However you have to think about where YOU draw the line. It isn't your fault he is ill and it isn't his fault. But how he handles it matters to the health of the relationship.

If he ignores his health issues, that's no good.

If he uses as excuse -- that's no good either.

If he's dragging you down and there really ISN'T much relating any more... then you are calling it a relationship but there isn't one there. That's no good.


Only you can answer that though.

A.

Volschika007
04-16-2012, 12:26 PM
Thanks Astrophe. I have a lot of thinking to do. I feel like I've been trying to make up my mind on whether I should stay or go for a long time. It never fails that he'll pull out of the depression long enough for me to be really really happy and want to stay. Sorta makes me think it might be something more like bi-polar. He just better follow through on getting help this time because I can't keep going through this. I feel like im on the rollercoaster with him. If he's depressed, it makes me upset and when he's really happy we're running around here tickling each other having the best time. I just know I can't keep living for the "good times" for the rest of my life. He's gotta figure something out.

JohnP
04-16-2012, 12:28 PM
Recognizing you just came here to vent I would suggest you dump your boyfriend.

Unless you're exagerating his behavior I see no reason to keep him around. Sounds like a major loser to me.

Maybe deep down he is a great person and if that is the case dumping him is the best thing you can do for him.

Volschika007
04-16-2012, 12:36 PM
Recognizing you just came here to vent I would suggest you dump your boyfriend.

Unless you're exagerating his behavior I see no reason to keep him around. Sounds like a major loser to me.

Maybe deep down he is a great person and if that is the case dumping him is the best thing you can do for him.

I mean obviously I've only been saying the bad things about him. He has his good moments, too. I tried dumping him last year to kick him in the butt and make him get into gear and it worked for a while but now its just back to how it was. He's been saying he'll get help for a year now, so he better mean it this time. I won't let him not get help. It's that or he's out of here. I can wait around while he gets help but I refuse to suffer through this because he won't go see a doc.

Exhale15
04-16-2012, 12:36 PM
There is an end in sight to my parents helping us so much. I graduate in December and have full intentions of getting a full time job and paying rent. I currently do not pay rent...which is why its not an option to live anywhere else. My parents actually bought this place just for me to live in while I go to college and intend to sell it when I move out in a year or so. The monthly payment is actually lower buying it than it would be renting anything nearby..and even though its still pretty small its a lot bigger than many of the other options in the same price range. I think we would have droven each other crazy had we been stuck in something even smaller.

I do get that he probably feels like this place isn't his, but there's not much either of us can do about it right now. At least not until I graduate.

I do feel like its as much his fault as my parents....


Ummm, you're living rent free in a place your parents own. How in the world could any of this be 'their fault'....your boyfriend, I would assume isn't paying rent, either. While you have a relationship w/your parents, he is for all intents and purposes, a stranger living rent free in their home (or an extension of their home). And when you do graduate and move out, will you be footing the entire bill for your new home? ...... And why exactly do you want this to work out ???

Volschika007
04-16-2012, 12:46 PM
Ummm, you're living rent free in a place your parents own. How in the world could any of this be 'their fault'....your boyfriend, I would assume isn't paying rent, either. While you have a relationship w/your parents, he is for all intents and purposes, a stranger living rent free in their home (or an extension of their home). And when you do graduate and move out, will you be footing the entire bill for your new home? ...... And why exactly do you want this to work out ???

He actually is paying rent. He pays half and my parents cover my half. So i'll be paying my half when I get a job. As far as my parents fault goes...my boyfriend feels like they judge everything he does and says he feels like he can't be himself around them. And I can see that, too. My mom doesn't want me to end up with a "dead beat." lol And I don't mean him not liking the stove is their fault..I just mean the strained relationship is on both of them

sontaikle
04-16-2012, 12:46 PM
I mean obviously I've only been saying the bad things about him. He has his good moments, too. I tried dumping him last year to kick him in the butt and make him get into gear and it worked for a while but now its just back to how it was. He's been saying he'll get help for a year now, so he better mean it this time. I won't let him not get help. It's that or he's out of here. I can wait around while he gets help but I refuse to suffer through this because he won't go see a doc.

Remember, he's your boyfriend. Not your husband. You don't have an obligation to him if you don't want to.

Volschika007
04-16-2012, 12:50 PM
Sontaikle - I know. I'd say a lot of people would have just walked away by now. Spending 4 years with the same person just makes them feel like a part of you and I don't want to lose him if I don't have to. So I'm giving him this one last chance get to everything worked out. All I'm asking is for him to try.

Exhale15
04-16-2012, 12:54 PM
Oh...so he's paying his share...that's puts him in a different light....Good Luck :)

Volschika007
04-16-2012, 01:01 PM
Oh...so he's paying his share...that's puts him in a different light....Good Luck :)

Ya he is :) I feel like my parents and my BF both have their reasons for not liking the other. It just makes it harder to figure out what I can do to work things out between them so we can feel more like a family. I mean if he were making more money we'd probably already be engaged.

He's supposed to go talk to them in the next week or so. To apologize to my dad and to hopefully open up to them to try and work things out. I love my parents and him too much to never be with both of them at the same time.

MariaMaria
04-16-2012, 01:04 PM
So he's paying rent, and can't feed himself in the home he's paying rent for because his landlords decided to upgrade the kitchen (during his tenure) to some non-standard cooking-heat source.

And you're okay with that, because you see that your parents' market value for a rental property is more important than your boyfriend's feelings about the home he rents.

I think there's a problem here bigger than needing to replace cookware.

(Also, when I was in school I couldn't have afforded to replace my Ikea/supermarket cookware with Calphalon or All-Clad, but that's just me.)

Volschika007
04-16-2012, 01:11 PM
So he's paying rent, and can't feed himself in the home he's paying rent for because his landlords decided to upgrade the kitchen (during his tenure) to some non-standard cooking-heat source.

And you're okay with that, because you see that your parents' market value for a rental property is more important than your boyfriend's feelings about the home he rents.

I think there's a problem here bigger than needing to replace cookware.

(Also, when I was in school I couldn't have afforded to replace my Ikea/supermarket cookware with Calphalon or All-Clad, but that's just me.)

My dad bought the stove at 75% off. He had no clue that the stove top was induction and had no clue that the pots wouldn't work. He didnt' do it on purpose. Had he known he probably would have gotten us new pots to go with it or not have purchased it at all. That's why I'm taking up for my dad - he was just trying to get us something nice and do us a favor and had no clue the pots wouldn't work. The adaptor plate is in the mail and will be here Wed. or Thurs. and my BF uses the stove maybe 3 times a week? I think he'll survive until then lol.

One more thing...when we move to a new place we can take the stove with us. its ours to keep. it may not neccessarily increase property value because if those stove is nicer than the place we move to we get to bring it with us.

DezziePS
04-16-2012, 01:16 PM
I think you need to be real with yourself about what's going on here. If your parents think he's a deadbeat, he probably is. This has taken me forever to admit to myself, but it is really true. Unless they're the kind of folks who wouldn't think anyone is good enough for their kid, they're probably right. They have absolutely no incentive to ruin a perfectly good relationship for you. That's not to say that even a great guy might have some run-ins with your folks, but this sounds like more than that.

You're young, your smart, you're building a life for yourself. Now is the time to be selective. It sounds like you're saying that you've already spent 4 years with him and you don't want to waste that time. The only thing worse than being with the wrong guy for four years is being with him four years and a day.

I think people change a LOT in their early to mid-20's, I know I did. If this guy has been telling you he's going to get help for a year and hasn't done it yet, he's not going to. Also, how long are you willing to stick around and wait for an improvement? I think a lot of times we want to say that people have diseases like depression and bipolar disorder and OCD, when really they're just entitled babies who have bad personalities. That kind of takes away from the people who actually do have those diseases. Maybe he really does have an emotional disorder or something, but we all have to deal with minor annoyances due to appliances and living situations from time to time. And his respect for you and desire to make you feel comfortable and have your parents like him should outweigh his need to act like a child when they come over.

I side with everyone else who says ditch him before it's too late.

threenorns
04-16-2012, 01:21 PM
what dezzie said - in short, sometimes an arsehole is just an arsehole; there's no actual reason for it.

Volschika007
04-16-2012, 01:26 PM
He does have a family history of emotional disorders. So I think he really does have something wrong. but there's really no excuse for him not getting help yet.

astrophe
04-16-2012, 02:01 PM
I mean obviously I've only been saying the bad things about him. He has his good moments, too. I tried dumping him last year to kick him in the butt and make him get into gear and it worked for a while but now its just back to how it was. He's been saying he'll get help for a year now, so he better mean it this time. I won't let him not get help. It's that or he's out of here. I can wait around while he gets help but I refuse to suffer through this because he won't go see a doc.

Well, you pretty much have decided he's on his last chance here.

But YOU have to follow through with that. If he shirks on the depression/bipolar/whatever it is/mental health track, and seeking help, you say you are done.

The only thing left is to really BE done.

It's not reasonable to expect him to be CURED by Dec grad. Esp since some conditions do not have cure. They can only be managed.

But I think it is totally reasonable to have been to a doc appt and start trying out the prescribed treatment -- be it meds or talk therapy or whatever it is -- by summer, no?

Because he's already been procrastinating on making appt this long -- I don't see why giving him a longer deadline to procrastinate more does.

It's spring term. Get an appt set by summer term, dude. You got til June. Go!

A.

puneri
04-16-2012, 02:09 PM
I am married for 35 years and can tell you one thing, bf or husband are not made to order. both of you and your parents have to learn to adjust with each other. When you say he is "my bf", you have to accept him with his flaws, same is true for him.
The person is not a toy, if you do not like it throw it. In USA people do not understand it and have very little patience, hence the divorce rate is high.
If you really love him, then be ready to sacrifice for him. Men take longer time to mature, and when they mature they respect you for your sacrifices.
this is my experience. My husband initially used to get angry with or without any reason. Now, at 64 he is the most accomodating and happy person and takes care of me like nobody has done before.
I am sure, my husband would have behaved exact similar way, when he was young. In fact, he has done more serious things.
I would say, little undrstanding and helping from your side be more useful.
If you leave him and find other one, the other guy will have other problems. Nobody is perfect.
Read Men are from marse and women from venus.

Exhale15
04-16-2012, 02:17 PM
Four years does seem like a long time to be with someone, and it is....but look at 4 years versus your entire life with someone who has some significant issues that impact upon your life.

MiZTaCCen
04-16-2012, 02:50 PM
I think they should create chances cards for people because we give out way too many, wasting too much of our valueable time waiting for people who will never change to change. Creating excuses instead of just dealing with it head on.

4 years is a long time, but I really would have rather wasted these 4 years instead of another 4 years with someone I know is completely wrong for me. I'm sure the guy is a nice guy and has great qualities...(We all do.) but really comes down to if you've been thinking on and off with leaving...you may have already have the answer you just need to courage to do it.

Good luck!

Natasha22
04-16-2012, 04:19 PM
Well, you're the only one who knows exactly how strong your relationship is. 4 years is a pretty long time and if you've lasted this long you obviously have deep feelings for one another.

In my opinion he's just feeling frustrated because you parents still have to help you and he can't be "the man of the house". I'm sure he would like to be the one helping you through college instead of your parents. He does not care about the pots, or the stove, I'm sure deep down he appreciates it, but probably just feels ashamed that your parents had to buy you one and he couldn't get one himself. This needs to be handled with delicacy, but you seem to have the diplomacy required to resolve this issue.

It's nobody's fault, but it's too bad you're in the middle of this.

bargoo
04-16-2012, 04:23 PM
One thing he hasn't figured out yet, it isn't your stove it is their stove.

Volschika007
04-16-2012, 05:19 PM
Thanks for all the advice guys. It really helps me think about all sides of the situation. His doc suggested trying counseling first and even reccommended the place here on campus - which is free. so its just a matter of if he'll go or not. I really do love him but I start to lose those feelings when there's so many issues. He's never been very romantic back to me. We "cuddle" but its always me cuddling him and he mostly just lays there. I know some ppl are just like that and its something I've accepted but it just makes things even harder to deal with when I feel like he's not even being very affectionate on top of everything, but I do think he's a lot more affectionate when he's happy so we'll just have to see what happens with counseling. All i really want is to see some improvement and some effort on his part to start getting better. I know it could take a long time to really get better or find a way to manage it, but I'm only willing to be patient with him if he is trying to figure it out.

JohnP
04-16-2012, 06:53 PM
Men take longer time to mature, and when they mature they respect you for your sacrifices.
this is my experience. My husband initially used to get angry with or without any reason. Now, at 64 he is the most accomodating and happy person and takes care of me like nobody has done before.
I am sure, my husband would have behaved exact similar way, when he was young. In fact, he has done more serious things.
I would say, little undrstanding and helping from your side be more useful.
If you leave him and find other one, the other guy will have other problems. Nobody is perfect.

I'd say you married a great guy who saw the error of his ways and changed.

Most people don't change and those who do generally had a catalyst to effect it.

Most people don't respect the sacrifices of others.

I agree no one is perfect but I think you're a bit naive when it comes to the population of men in general.

Munchy
04-17-2012, 10:20 AM
I'd say you married a great guy who saw the error of his ways and changed.

Most people don't change and those who do generally had a catalyst to effect it.

Most people don't respect the sacrifices of others.

I agree no one is perfect but I think you're a bit naive when it comes to the population of men in general.

Yep. You couldn't have paid me to stay married to my ex-husband. :)

He's still living the same semi-employed, lazy, wasteful way and I'm where I wanted to be all along. Sometimes I think people are too willing to give up their own happiness, hopes, and dreams just for someone else. Love is not a good enough reason to me.

Volschika007
04-17-2012, 10:27 AM
It's just weird. I don't really feel like I'm trying to change him b/c i just want him to treat me the same he did the first year or so we were together. he's obviously capable of it.

threenorns
04-17-2012, 10:38 AM
same thing here!

whatever-he-is-today (i'm leaning toward hubbie - 2 days in a row! he's doing well!) was sooooooooooooooooooooo wonderful when we first met. kind, compassionate, charming - he made me feel like a million dollars.

then i got pregnant and here comes Mr Hyde. i left three times before the baby was born - all three times he would call me sobbing his eyes out, "don't take my child from me, i can't lose another one" (his ex - who really is a psycho-b from h - he's got tape recordings, including one where she tells him he's not the father of their son AND THE 11YR OLD BOY WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE LISTENING TO HER!), and so i'd go back and things'd be wonderful again for a couple weeks and then here we go again.

i was supposed to be on absolute bed rest and keeping myself calm and quiet because of toxemia and multiple near-miscarriages yet he would get me so upset my blood pressure would shoot up to critically dangerous levels (we're talking over 200/150). i even asked him one day if he was actively trying to kill me or the baby.

anyway, i did leave him after the straw that broke the camel's back. i moved 2-1/2hrs away (for normal ppl - takes him 4hrs bec he doesn't go over 80 even on the 400). i never blocked access to our daughter, i gave him a key to the house - come up any time you want to see her, just call to make sure i know to stay home and not go into town. he called every morning to say good morning to her, called every evening to say good night.

and in a year and a half, visited her 3 times.

the third time, she was afraid of him and didn't want to go near him. it took her over an hour to warm up to him. it broke his heart.

after that, he visited more often - once a month.

but even that wasn't enough - it's not when they're so little.

finally, last march, he announced he was giving up his job and his business in Toronto and moving to minden, could i find him a place to stay.

which i did.

and as soon as the landlord saw him, they changed their minds (bec, you know, "ganesh" is just such an alarmingly normal all-canadian name, eh?) so now he had nowhere to go.

we parked all his stuff in mom's basement and made arrangements that he coudl stay at my apartment until mom's basement was properly finished for him - i liked that idea: he'd be close but not too close, and i wasn't happy about my elderly mother living in the middle of the bush where the nearest emergency station is 20 minutes away IF they're already up and ready to go.

naturally, her house burned down so i was stuck with him. he started again a few times but i put the metaphorical boots to him - "this is MY home and you will not disrespect me in MY home and NEVER AGAIN in front of our daughter!"

he's no prince charming - not by a long chalk - but we muddle along well together: where he's weak, i'm strong and where i'm weak, he's got it covered.

the most important thing is that our daughter is a million times better - she's graduated all but one of her therapies and only has one developmental specialist (we have to wait until she progresses in school before we can figure out what her particular learning disorder is going to be - we know it's there, just not what it is).

Beach Patrol
04-17-2012, 11:17 AM
I think you should give him one of your tampons or pads and tell him to put it on since it's that time of month for him.

Sorry, but he is acting like a little brat.


Bwaaahahahahahahaha!!!! :rofl:

I don't even know what an "induction" stove is... ( :?: ) but hey, boyfriend sounds like he needs to learn to STFU or go out & spend his own money for a new stove.

Volschika007
04-17-2012, 11:30 AM
Threenorns - wow talk about standing by your man. i don't think me and my bf would make it through something like that. im lucky enough that we hardly ever argue, though. it actually might be healthy if we argued more because sometimes issues build up too much before we finally say something to each other.

Beach Patrol - that's my thoughts on it too lol. he said part of what upset him more was that my dad hauled off the old stove before we knew how the new stove top worked..but we live in a 700 sq ft condo and we don't have room to just have a spare stove sitting around our kitchen! lol

bargoo
04-17-2012, 12:00 PM
It really doesn't matter what he thinks. It is not his house. Now if he went to the owner and said we need a new stove and I will pick it out and pay for it. That would be different. It doesn't matter that the landlored is your Dad, any landlord has the right, and obligation to provide a stove, of his choosing.

Volschika007
04-17-2012, 12:03 PM
It really doesn't matter what he thinks. It is not his house. Now if he went to the owner and said we need a new stove and I will pick it out and pay for it. That would be different. It doesn't matter that the landlored is your Dad, any landlord has the right, and obligation to provide a stove, of his choosing.

exactly. luckily my bf seems over it (especially since the adaptor thing is supposed to be here today.) i guess maybe his initial reaction he just couldn't control or something. its one thing to be irritated at the stove, but a whole other thing to take it out on my dad which is what i felt he did. not ok. but he's agreed to apologize for being rude to him.

EZMONEY
04-17-2012, 07:29 PM
Your parents have the right to put anything they want in their house as owners...

your bf has every right to be displeased as a renter...

options....

suck it up and live with it....

***** forever about it...

move out....

not rocket science....

Now then..will a man or a child show up?

PinkLotus
04-18-2012, 04:44 PM
So he's paying rent, and can't feed himself in the home he's paying rent for because his landlords decided to upgrade the kitchen (during his tenure) to some non-standard cooking-heat source.

And you're okay with that, because you see that your parents' market value for a rental property is more important than your boyfriend's feelings about the home he rents.

I think there's a problem here bigger than needing to replace cookware.

(Also, when I was in school I couldn't have afforded to replace my Ikea/supermarket cookware with Calphalon or All-Clad, but that's just me.)

He has to wait one week for the part that will make his pots usable, I don't think that's a huge deal. I get that he might feel like it's a big inconvenience, or like his feelings weren't taken into consideration, but really, I think he's overreacting.
OP - big hugs.

Volschika007
04-18-2012, 06:03 PM
He has to wait one week for the part that will make his pots usable, I don't think that's a huge deal. I get that he might feel like it's a big inconvenience, or like his feelings weren't taken into consideration, but really, I think he's overreacting.
OP - big hugs.

thanks :) i think its pretty much blown over now. just gotta figure out how to keep stuff like this from happening in the future. it strains my relationship with him and my parents.

threenorns
04-18-2012, 06:25 PM
Threenorns - wow talk about standing by your man. i don't think me and my bf would make it through something like that. im lucky enough that we hardly ever argue, though. it actually might be healthy if we argued more because sometimes issues build up too much before we finally say something to each other.


it wasn't a question of standing by him - it's a very wierd thing but even when we weren't together, it felt like we were. when he came up to visit and would drive me into town to get the shopping done and the garbage to the dump, ppl just assumed we were together even though they'd never seen him before.

we went to get saari a lifejacket - it had to be custom-fit because she was 3yrs old but weighed 54lbs - and at the shop, the guy said "ooooh, you two are together!" (we'd been browsing separately while waiting for him to finish with the other customers)

i said "**** no!" at exactly the same time ganesh said "oh, yeah..."

crickets....

"well.... this is awkward," said the salesguy.

oooo-wee, didn't that set the cat among the pigeons all the way home, LOL.

theox
04-18-2012, 08:08 PM
thanks :) i think its pretty much blown over now. just gotta figure out how to keep stuff like this from happening in the future. it strains my relationship with him and my parents.

Er, sorry, I think your boyfriend's the one who needs to figure out how to handle a relatively minor inconvenience in a way that doesn't strain the relationships between himself, his girlfriend, and her parents. He's the only one who can be responsible for that. All you can do is work on responding to him in a healthy way and keeping your relationship with your parents good regardless of your boyfriend's behavior.

Volschika007
04-19-2012, 01:09 AM
Er, sorry, I think your boyfriend's the one who needs to figure out how to handle a relatively minor inconvenience in a way that doesn't strain the relationships between himself, his girlfriend, and her parents. He's the only one who can be responsible for that. All you can do is work on responding to him in a healthy way and keeping your relationship with your parents good regardless of your boyfriend's behavior.

ya that's sorta what i mean. gotta figure out how to handle him and how to address him to make him understand that he can't get like that around my parents. control his anger sorta. he doesnt have much of a temper but when he does get upset he can be a real b****. when i talked to him about it later he started mentioning depression which sorta irritated me cuz im just not convinced that being depressed would be related to what happened. either way hopefully he learned his lesson and will be more careful to be respectful if a situation like this arises again in the future.

indiblue
04-19-2012, 02:15 AM
I think you should give him one of your tampons or pads and tell him to put it on since it's that time of month for him.


Let's be careful about perpetuating stereotypes that women go into selfish, whiny, irrational b**ch-mode during their periods?

Sorry, this rubbed me the wrong way.

sunshauna
04-19-2012, 03:04 AM
Personally, if a guy is disrespecting my parents, not making me happy for most of the last 3 years, and making false promises for a full year that he'd get help but didn't, I would have kicked him to the curb a long time ago. But none of us here really know if his good outweighs the bad. One thing I learned is that my friends and family always saw my SO much more clearly than I did, (love is blind) so I made a committment that when I was serious with someone, that I would listen to friends/families opinions and truly hear what they said. What do your friends and family think of him? Are they right or wrong? Just saying that your parents probably see your bf more clearly than you do. They are wiser and more experienced than you, and most important, they want the best for you. Ask them their opinion. Then carefully consider and weigh their thoughts. Don't stay with him just because breakups are hard. Living in misery, divorce and splitting custody is harder. And remember, whatever problems you have now will be AMPLIFIED after you get married.

Beach Patrol
04-19-2012, 11:21 AM
Originally Posted by MrEvilAK View Post
I think you should give him one of your tampons or pads and tell him to put it on since it's that time of month for him.

Let's be careful about perpetuating stereotypes that women go into selfish, whiny, irrational b**ch-mode during their periods?

Sorry, this rubbed me the wrong way.

Heh. I am a woman, and I DO GO INTO selfish, whiny, irrational b****-mode during my period. Sometimes even when I'm NOT on my period. Heck, I'm in menopause now, and I STILL get that "mode" on the occasional "whenever". :dizzy: :lol: :rofl: