General chatter - I'm kinda sad and don't know who to talk to.




mimsyborogoves
04-07-2012, 10:56 PM
So I'm coming here because I figure, since y'all aren't involved in my personal life, y'all are the best people to talk to! And I'm really just expressing some feelings here.

I found out today that my aunt is leaving my uncle -- which isn't surprising; they've been having problems for a while; my uncle suspected and has confirmed that she's been having an affair. However, what makes me upset is she's just walking out on her two kids (my little cousins who I really, really care about). I worry about the effect it's going to have on them; I know at least the older one has already been affected by her might as well be non-existent mother. And I just feel really, really bad for them. Kids need their mom and I don't even know what I would do if my mom left; she's my best friend. I've lost a lot of respect for my aunt and I'm really just very, very disappointed and upset about the way that turned out. I want to cry for my cousins because I know they deserve way better. They're really great kids and I can't stand the thought of knowing they're about to be crushed. I really kind of wish my parents hadn't told me this cause now I know I'm gonna be sad every time I see them -- they don't know yet, so it's not like I can comfort them about it cause they don't know. I really just don't know how to handle this.


chickadee32
04-07-2012, 11:06 PM
:hug: I'm sorry that's happening. :( It's very touching though to see how much you care about your cousins and their well-being, and that tells me that YOU are going to be someone who will be there for them when they need comfort and support. I know it's not a substitute for having their mother there, but when they look back many years from now they will remember the love and support you gave them, and will be grateful you were there for them. They are very lucky to have you.

Arctic Mama
04-07-2012, 11:40 PM
It's okay to feel sad and disappointed over such an action, let yourself feel it and get it out because internalizing it would be a lot worse :hug:

The best thing you can do is be there for your cousins, let them know you love them and are available to talk to if they need it. Maybe even semi-adopt them, making a point to spend extra time doing fun stuff with them or making new memories. It won't replace their mom, but it might make things a little easier for them to handle if they see how much they are loved and cared for by their family.

I'm sorry this is happening to your family :(


threenorns
04-07-2012, 11:42 PM
i'm sorry they couldn't get it together - but don't be mistaken: kids need a happy mom even if she's not living with them. a mother who's with them against her will and resents their presence is definitely not going to be healthy for their development.

i'm the product of a broken home - you have no idea how many years i used to wish devoutly that my parents would just shut up and get a divorce.

there is nothing for you to handle - this is betw your aunt and uncle. i know it's hard but what's important is what's best for the kids. if this results in a more stable, amicable relationship betw their parents, then divorce is a good thing.

i understand that you've lost respect for your aunt but don't forget that there's always two sides to every story. best to keep a neutral stance when it comes to these situations.

mimsyborogoves
04-07-2012, 11:55 PM
I guess I know there's two sides, but the way my dad put it she basically told my uncle "he could have the kids", which says to me that she doesn't want them. Maybe I'm biased, but I just don't know how someone can do that to their kids. I understand getting a divorce, but even if you're not there with your kids 24/7, you should still be there for them.

threenorns
04-08-2012, 12:04 AM
thing is, that's what your uncle told your dad she said - and i doubt those were the exact words, more probably his interpretation of what he figured she really meant.

it's not necessarily that she doesn't want them - at one point, i told my youngest daughter's father that he would have to take her. it wasn't that i didn't want her, it was that he had a job and a stable lifestyle which, in that particular instance, meant he had running water and a toilet that flushed in the winter.

when you want what's best for your kids, sometimes that means facing up to the fact that you're not the best parent to care for them.

philana
04-08-2012, 02:43 AM
Must be hard to deal with, watching your cousins go through that. It's good they have some one that cares so much.

As for the aunt, I have to agree with threenorns. Though I know nothing of the situation, I am a born optimist. People never do mean stuff because they are actually mean people. She might have her reasons to leave the kids with the dad. Could be she feels guilty over the affair and let's the dad keep the house and everything, so she first has to settle her own life. Could be a million reasons. Could even be that she does not want the kids left with the dad completely but offered an arrangement that the dad did not want. Or did not explain properly to your dad.

So much gets broken with faulty communication and anger/resentment. I always try to look on the bright side and on what else people might have meant. It keeps you more open to people. Who knows what role you can play in this if your aunt feels like you are not judging her while the rest of the family might? Could be that you can be the person that helps her figure out how to deal with the kids!

Amy23
04-08-2012, 03:13 AM
I second Arctic Mama. The best thing you can do for those kids is to be there for them unconditionally. You sound like an empathetic and loving person; that's what they need right now. I don't know anything other than what you've written but it sounds like your aunt is being a little self-centered right now. I can't imagine what the kids are going through but I know that what they need is to have someone who's on their side: someone who listens and cares. Spend as much time with the kids as you can and let them know you'll always be there for them.

mimsyborogoves
04-08-2012, 08:59 AM
I really would like to give my aunt the benefit of the doubt, but the thing about it is she's kind of notorious for doing this with a lot of things-- when she gets tired of something or things don't go her way, she wants out. I know she's been spending days on end out of town (they live right behind us, so it's kind of hard for us to NOT know what goes on with them, to an extent), and it's not for any kind of business or anything because she doesn't work.

About a month or two ago, she got in a fight with my grandparents and after that it was just like she disappeared. We have dinner with them every Sunday, and she just doesn't show. It's like she's separating herself from the entire family, and she's always said, and I quote, "I'm gonna do what I wanna do and if you don't like it F*** you!" I just never thought she'd apply that to her own family. I don't really think she doesn't love her kids, but I don't think they're a top priority on her list. I don't want to judge her, but I really just think she's being very selfish about the whole situation.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice though! You all are really great. :hug:

threenorns
04-08-2012, 09:16 AM
that doesn't sound selfish - that sounds pathological.

if that is, indeed, how she behaves, then she's not normal - something is wrong, clinically speaking. she could be bipolar or, worst case, actually sociopathic where she thinks her needs and wants are paramount above everything else and everybody else in the world is a "lesser being". such ppl do not follow rules and laws bec they truly believe such rules are for everybody else. they are "special" or "privileged". they have no empathy and no compassion not because they are self-centred but for the same reason a one-legged man can't win a butt-kicking contest: she's missing critical parts of her psyche. examples of sociopaths can be found all up and down the scale with paul bernardo at one end and mother theresa at the other.

it's be like blaming the wind for blowing - she is what she is and not all the regrets and recriminations and finger-wagging in the world can change her so it's wasted effort.

best to let her go her way and leave the kids with the family who appreciates them and can raise them with a healthy self-confidence and an acceptance of who their mother is, rather than regrets and anger because she's not somebody else.

Arctic Mama
04-08-2012, 12:15 PM
Eh, I think we're too quick to excuse poor behavior as a medical condition, in this society. I hear selfish and immature, not imbalanced, phychotic, or depressive when I am listening to Mimsy's descriptions. And regardless, that doesn't really change how her family has to cope with the wreckage her aunt has left behind, whether it is her fault through choice or circumstance.

But my sympathy for grown adults bailing on responsibility (and far too many do it) is perilously low, I admit. I have no tolerance for it, given the real and long reaching implications of unstable situations with parents and spouses. As a child of divorce and a married woman, my perspective is colored by my experience as everyone else's is, too. (As a caveat, I suppose)

threenorns
04-08-2012, 12:20 PM
see, that's the thing - it's difficult to determine from the outside if they're bailing on responsibility or if they really are doing what's best for the child.

we all know ppl who really REALLY shouldn't have had kids.

Arctic Mama
04-08-2012, 12:41 PM
That's true, absolutely. It is very hard to see from the outside. But do a third or half of marriages really have no other option than dividing the union? Color me skeptical ;)

That said, we all have our biases, and that colors our advice. Hopefully Mimsy can just glean what is helpful and tune out the noise :)

threenorns
04-08-2012, 12:46 PM
i am of the firm conviction that ANY two ppl can have a successful marriage IF they put the work into it.

unfortunately, our society regards having to work for anything as an evil to be avoided.

marriage should be "their eyes met across a crowded room... they got engaged.... they got married... they had kids... and lived happily ever after".

weight loss should be "no need to exercise - take this miracle cure and lose 900lbs in six weeks!"

money should be a matter of popping out to the money tree in the back yard or suing somebody.

i honestly think mother theresa and hitler could've made a match of it if they'd put the effort into it.

but if someone doesn't want to, then there's no point drowning the horse trying to make it drink, eh?

Arctic Mama
04-08-2012, 01:02 PM
I don't disagree with you, except that I hold the individuals a bit more accountable for doing the work on themselves to improve the situation and stick with it. My moral convictions on the issue aside, I agree with you 100%.

Rant ahoy! It always bugs me when my friends and family look at my marriage and just assume we're perfect for one another and never have conflict or struggles, as though a healthy, loving, strong marriage just 'happens' and you don't have to work for it. Every day, in a million little ways, my husband and I are seeking to show one another love and keep our union strong and pure. Conflicts we've had in past years would have caused divorce in other couples. It isn't magic, luck, or a spouse that is somehow better than everyone else's that makes a marriage work, and I have to be gentle in correcting those who assume it is.

So much more of our contentedness and joy is under our control in a union than is commonly believed. If I could do one thing for my loved ones, it would be to disabuse them of the notion that they don't have active control over the atmosphere of their homes and relationships, and can't do their very best regardless of the behavior of their spouses. I can't control my husband or his choices, but my response to them is 100% mine and I'm accountable for it! There is so much hope in knowing what responsibility is mine and what I am not answerable to, and I wish there was a better way to convey that to the couples around me who are hurting. Sadly, one or both usually has their mind made up by the time we hear of it and don't believe they can change or improve their marriage. And when that hope is gone, whether it is salvageable or not becomes moot if they don't believe it to be so.


/end impassioned marriage rant ;)

threenorns
04-08-2012, 01:03 PM
what she said.

jules1216
04-09-2012, 07:35 PM
I really would like to give my aunt the benefit of the doubt, but the thing about it is she's kind of notorious for doing this with a lot of things-- when she gets tired of something or things don't go her way, she wants out. I know she's been spending days on end out of town (they live right behind us, so it's kind of hard for us to NOT know what goes on with them, to an extent), and it's not for any kind of business or anything because she doesn't work.

About a month or two ago, she got in a fight with my grandparents and after that it was just like she disappeared. We have dinner with them every Sunday, and she just doesn't show. It's like she's separating herself from the entire family, and she's always said, and I quote, "I'm gonna do what I wanna do and if you don't like it F*** you!" I just never thought she'd apply that to her own family. I don't really think she doesn't love her kids, but I don't think they're a top priority on her list. I don't want to judge her, but I really just think she's being very selfish about the whole situation.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice though! You all are really great. :hug:

is her name Tonya...my son and grandsons moved in with us...his ex had been talking to her ex half of their relationship...she left and is now pregnant again and married...and living in CA and the boys are on the east coast..and oh year she got marrried on her sons 1st birthday and sent no gifts to him...

XLMuffnTop
04-09-2012, 10:32 PM
My DH's ex wife left him and their 2 1/2 year old son. He's now 12 and I know it's hard and makes him sad sometimes but he has so much family surrounding him he's turning out fantastic.

Keep the kids busy, especially with outdoor activities and if they feel like talking, listen, don't talk at them. When they've said everything they need to say, respond and let them know it's not their fault and they're still normal (wonderful) people.

Good luck to you and your family.

jules1216
04-15-2012, 03:40 PM
Its really sad all the stories I am hearing about Mothers leaving their children for other men and then starting other families...

MARLA26
04-15-2012, 05:28 PM
I've known a few mothers that left their kids. It always has a negative affect on the little ones.
But maybe your uncle can now find someone that will care for the little ones more than their biological mother can. Marraige and child rearing is probably not for her.

It's best to never say negative things about the mother to the kids.
The mother will probably play some role in their lives in the future, and might even come back home eventually.

Always be gracious and kind to the mother. She will get enough negative feedback from others. Try to keep in touch with her, and encourage her to see the kids on a regular basis if she should leave.

I praise this site for giving us an outlet where we can track this year's journey, get to know beautiful and wonderful people, be upbeat, and rant when we need to. To all I say: God bless you!

fitness4life
04-16-2012, 09:12 AM
Kids are surprisingly resiliant.

When I left my abusive husband, I was shocked at how the kids, although crushed, were able to take things in stride. They saw things they shouldn't have had to see and they all understand why I had to leave. It was to prevent the children from being exposed to the abuse.

They get sad. They open up. They understand. And I understand the gut wrenching feeling divorce produces. But some how, we all survive.

With loving relatives as compassionate as you, they will gain connections in your new role as mentor that they may never had the potential to make.

Keep close in their lives. You can be a surrogate female role model.

Thighs Be Gone
04-16-2012, 09:23 AM
Arctic Mama, I agree with so much of what you said. Sadly, I have seen so many unions and families split when they didn't have to. I have also seen several couples leave their partners for another only to end up in the VERY same boat again a couple of years down the line. Meanwhile, they have damaged not only their own lives but all of those around them.

OP, do as much as you can for the kids. While you may not be able to control her actions, you can decide to be a strong figure in the lives of those kids and give them a layer of love coming from another direction.

Thighs Be Gone
04-16-2012, 09:26 AM
Oh, yes and I agree it seems there are more moms leaving now than ever. It used to be you only heard about dads doing that. A lady I knew was the president of moms club, homeschooled, and did all sorts of things "super mom" like. Last summer she called to tell me she had left not only her husband but kids too and was dating a 23-yr-old. She wanted to know if me and hubby wanted to go on vacation with them. NOT!!!!