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ADL
04-05-2012, 03:49 AM
Hey guys. So I am only 23 but have been married for a little over 2 years. The job market has been tough so my husband and I are being completely supported by my family. While my parents aren't complaining I do feel very guilty for not being able to find any job that pays more than a waitress (I have a History BA). My question is, am I the only married person who at this age is completely dependent on their relatives? I'm asking because I am being incredably hard on myself for not being able to find a job and feeling incredably guilty for accepting their hard earned money. It's not like I am going nowhere though I just got into a very good graduate school. But in my frame of mind what should be a happy occation (getting into grad school) seems like just another giant bill. Help! What I really need is some perspective on my situation.


BerkshireGrl
04-05-2012, 08:59 AM
As your signature says, "Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still - Chinese Proverb" :) Times are tough, but it sounds like you are making moves to get yourselves up and out. What are you going to grad school for and where? Are you moving out to do so? What does your husband do and what are his plans? The "giant bill" of grad school will hopefully help you better your economics... Did you get any aid? Could you later on in your program?

You're not alone though. I was not married but I moved back in with my parents for 2 years when I was 28 and had just moved back to my home state. I got a job that was low paying ($9/hour) but gradually increased over the years to a decent salary ($16/hour). Without my parents' help, living on $9/hour would have been very tough where I live... so sometimes we depend on the generosity of our folks ;)

GOOD LUCK! :)

Rainbowgirl
04-05-2012, 09:50 AM
I'm not married, but I definitely feel your pain at the moment. I quit my job in February to move home (we were getting outsourced eventually anyway) and to go back to school. My plans were to work for the outsourcing company that I had worked for before - but it's been a month now and I'm still not working. They've installed everything, but it's getting the training session that seems to be the hard part. No one will respond to my e-mails or my voice messages and I'm just about out of all the money I received when I quit my job.

The thought of having to get my 60-year-old father, who already works more than he should, to pay for my bills this month eats me up. It's for that reason I'm scouring for any job I'm qualified for (which is, unfortunately, a very limited pool) in hopes of getting SOMETHING to tide me over until the idiots at this company decide to grace me with a job. I also found out that they stuck me on the wrong hospital account, so it'll likely be another month before they transfer me to the right one (the one I requested; the one I worked at for 6 years).

My advice to you: Parents are supposed to be there for their kids, no matter what. So long as you're not knowingly and purposely taking advantage of the situation, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. You are trying to get your life in a forward motion; you aren't sitting at home refusing to find work or refusing to advance anywhere but from the couch to the fridge. I'm sure your parents realize this and I'm sure they are supportive (obviously, as you're there!).

I know it's hard not to feel like you're taking advantage or you're being a burden, but have faith that you are heading in the right direction and your parents are there to help you on that journey.


Moonsai
04-05-2012, 09:54 AM
The important thing is that you're trying to move foward and progress. You're doing this by going to grad school. Parents are there to help you when you need it because they care.

One university instructor likes to repeat this:" You may think you raise kids until ages 18 or 21 and then they are financially independent, but you're really going to be taking care of them until they're 40 or 50."

In other words, you're not the only one who is going to need a bit of help from family from time to time. Don't worry too much about it - focus that energy on networking so that you can get a nice job when you graduate.

astrophe
04-05-2012, 10:01 AM
I do not know.

My parents paid my college tuition and all my bills when I first went to college at 18. For me it was like a slow tapering off as I assumed more of my own bills one at a time. Mom would ask me what she was sending me a check for this time and I'd tell her what I'd cover.

I'm 36 now so I don't remember what order it all went in. But I'm sure college tuition was last to go because it was the most expensive. Things like my groceries and rent and clothes went first because those were easier. I remember when I told her not to bother with a check and just focus on my younger sister and she asked if I was sure and I said yes, thanks.

I know that was a while ago and economy today is that much harder -- but why ask strangers? Talk to your DH and your parents about all this, expectations, paying back, etc.

It's not great shame to get help at times.

A.

4star
04-05-2012, 10:17 AM
Well my question is are you currently working? There's nothing wrong with waiting tables for a while to bring in some money, even if it's not a hefty salary, so long as you are putting money into keeping up your life. People naturally earn less while in school unless they already have a decent paying full-time job. Some people still work their pre-grad jobs in tandem with their post-grad careers to get those college bills paid off. Just asking b/c you said you feel bad but you didn't say what job or if you were working to scrape by. If you don't have any job, get something, even a coffee house gig. If you have a job and are just making it, your parents likely understand and don't begrudge you help. Just never take their help for granted or treat them like they owe it to you. Things turn around if you keep at it, sometimes you just have growing pains.

nelie
04-05-2012, 10:26 AM
My advice is try to find a workable plan to become independent. I agree with no shame in waiting tables. My mom worked 2 jobs for many years, one of them was waiting tables.

When I went to college, I became independent, which was rough because I had to budget my expenses, figure out my financial aid, etc. At the age of 23, I graduated college and moved out on my own. The area I worked at was very expensive and I found myself going into debt so I moved in with my parents and commuted 2 hours/day. I paid them a couple hundred dollars month and bought groceries. I did that for 2 years while I worked a plan to move out on my own to a less expensive area.

joyc21
04-05-2012, 10:57 AM
When you say you are being "completely supported" by your family it sounds to me as if you and your husband are not bringing anything to the table at all. If that is indeed the case, then you should feel guilty. There's nothing wrong with needing help sometimes and that's what parents are for. However, I believe that adults should put forth a maximum amount of effort to help themselves as well. For the time being that may mean waiting tables, cutting grass, getting a paper route, whatever. You may not bring home enough to make ends meet but it will at least show that you are trying and you won't have to depend totally on someone else.

ddc
04-05-2012, 11:30 AM
Do your parents have the money to give to you or are they taking out loans?

Too many people these days are getting out of college with huge student loan debt for jobs that don't make much money or that there's not much job market for.

98DaysOfSummer
04-05-2012, 11:50 AM
If your parents are ok with it, then who am I to disagree? Perhaps the two of you being in their home isn't costing them much extra or maybe they just like having you there. I have to wonder what it costs your relationship. How does your husband feel about living with your family? Does he work?

For me, that would not have been ok. I think if you're old enough to get married, you are old enough to support yourself. I worked retail right out of college because I had bills to pay. My husband and I lived in a studio. We didn't even have a tv. That was ok. I didn't expect to have my parent's lifestyle that they had spent years building, I was only in my early 20s. You're not supposed to start out with everything.

I would only have gone to graduate school on my own loans, I do not think parents are responsible for education past an undergrad degree. Even then, if it comes down to their own retirement or paying for a kid's college, I think the kid should take the hit and get loans. Parents are running out of time at that age to prepare for retirement, the kid has a lot more time to pay off the loans.

I especially would not put myself in more debt for graduate school if I wasn't VASTLY improving my job potential. There's this belief that all education is worthy but all education is EXPENSIVE. It might seem like a good idea now, but a fluff degree that won't improve your job potential won't seem like such a good idea when you're still paying off the loans in 15 years.

Not trying to be critical of your choices or make you feel bad, but I say all this as someone looking back. I could not have lived with my husband AND my family. Being married, to me, was about us starting our OWN family (the two of us) unit. Also, I know so so many people my age (nearly 40) who are still living close to the bone because when they couldn't get their dream job and refused to work retail, they just kept getting more education. Now they're teachers or working in retail anyway and they are smothering under the weight of all those student loans. You really have to think long term - is this a stepping stone to a job or career or is this more education that won't lead to anything? A few years from now, you want to have better prospects for being in your own place. You don't want to finish up and realize you're still going to be waiting tables or working retail, only now with more education (and possibly loans).

Moonsai
04-05-2012, 11:52 AM
Too many people these days are getting out of college with huge student loan debt for jobs that don't make much money or that there's not much job market for.

This is why I went into science. I knew if I didn't get into medical school, I could go to one of the two biologically-related graduate schools and get a PhD. (With one, I would get paid for my work. But with 23 seats open, its hard to get in.)

And I could still get a job with a BS, if I was willing to go with lower pay. (Bachelor's in science.)

98DaysOfSummer
04-05-2012, 11:52 AM
I just wanted to add that I feel very strong about this. There are so many things I would do differently if only I had known then, you know? It's a shame that we have to make so many big life decisions that can REALLY impact our quality of life for years down the line - without the benefit of experience or foresight.

Unless you are unusually driven, it is so easy to drift through your early 20s just doing what works or what you want to do right now and not looking ahead. Your 30s are coming faster than you think.

Vex
04-05-2012, 03:22 PM
What major in grad school? If it's history just like your undergrad you're going to be in a similar position when you're done, except with more debt. I'm not saying don't do it, just be aware of the potential for more hardship when that's over.

There are jobs out there for a MA in History, such as community college teaching, but they are few and far between.

I've read so many stories in the news about people just like you. So many recent graduates can't find any jobs so they're all going to grad school.

sontaikle
04-05-2012, 03:42 PM
What major in grad school? If it's history just like your undergrad you're going to be in a similar position when you're done, except with more debt. I'm not saying don't do it, just be aware of the potential for more hardship when that's over.

There are jobs out there for a MA in History, such as community college teaching, but they are few and far between.

I've read so many stories in the news about people just like you. So many recent graduates can't find any jobs so they're all going to grad school.

Oh yes it's very dependent on what MA you're going for. I have a BA in History, but my MA is in Childhood Education and Special Education. I have a job. It's not the best or the highest paying, but I do have a job in my field.

I felt like I was just getting a giant pile of debt when I was going through grad school last year, but I'm glad I did it. I'm in the field I'm supposed to be in and I'm doing what I love :)

Also I didn't really have all that much debt since I didn't have any undergrad loans and I was only in grad school for a year. My parents were and still are awesome enough to let me stay here until I get enough money to move out and live comfortably. Although, they would much rather prefer I stay here until I got married, LOL.

Trazey34
04-05-2012, 03:44 PM
As long as you ARE working, waitressing or washing dishes doesn't matter, money is money. There's no way I could take money from my parents if I wasn't trying 100% to bring cash in, diggin a ditch if I had to. I went to University full time, worked at a retirement home in the morning and again at night!

krampus
04-05-2012, 04:17 PM
I know the city is way more expensive than upstate, but I've been able to support myself fully making $12 an hour for only ~30 hours a week - I have to live with a roommate which is less than ideal, but living is cheap and I only do/buy what I can afford. Granted, I did have to move back home for a while to save up for the security deposit and first rent payment at my current place, but that was a temporary setup.

The job market stinks but I think it always has for the majority of folks - few people get dream jobs right off the bat. It's not uncommon to work 2 jobs to make ends meet. I'm not sure what "completely supported" by your parents means, but if you haven't taken the even-crappy jobs you've been able to find, you could be doing more to be independent.

Also, and too late, if you can't even support yourself on your current money, why are you going further into debt with grad school?

tessendicott
04-05-2012, 05:31 PM
I'm not married, but my boyfriend and I do live together. He works full time, while I've only been able to work part-time because I can't find full-time work (I have a B.F.A in Photography). I know I have the support of my parents, but we would rather go without than have to ask our parents for anything. I wish I could ask for help sometimes, but I, like you said, feel so incredibly guilty about asking for anything that we just do without. I can't wait to be able to find a full-time job again.

Beach Patrol
04-06-2012, 01:39 PM
As long as you ARE working, waitressing or washing dishes doesn't matter, money is money. There's no way I could take money from my parents if I wasn't trying 100% to bring cash in, diggin a ditch if I had to. I went to University full time, worked at a retirement home in the morning and again at night!

^^THIS!!^^

That said, I also know what it means to not be able to find a job, even a crappy one like waitressing at a greasy spoon dive of a place, or even, yes, digging ditches.

I don't know anyone who hasn't had to have a little help from mom/dad somewhere along the way. I was in college in the early 80's. I got married in 87 and divorced in 89, and had my own place for awhile, until I lost my job. I was working temp jobs for years, and at one time I held THREE DIFFERENT jobs, just trying to make ends meet. I was tired, completely worn out, & STILL struggling! At one point, I had no choice but to move back in w/my mom. I was working a part-time job waitressing and after living w/mom for a couple months, I got a full-time job in my field. But I kept my waitressing gig. I offered to pay my mom rent for living there, until I could get back on my feet & afford my own place again. She just said "No, honey. Just save as much as you can & get the h*** out as soon as possible" LOL! - by that time, we were both two very different adult women & we just didn't "mesh" as roomies!

So that's what I did. I used my waitress money to live with (car payment & insurance, & I did pay water & cable bill at my mom's, plus my share of groceries), and I saved every dime from my full-time job until I had enough to get my own apt again.

I understand your guilt for "living off mommy & daddy". It's that guilt that tells me you are a fine, upstanding citizen who is willing to take responsibility for yourself & your own life. Not a "sponger" who expects mommy & daddy to take care of you while you carefree-flip-off & do whatever/whenever. Perhaps you'd feel better if you make a plan to pay them back or do something special for them later on. You don't even have to discuss it with them, just you know - do it.

For instance, in 2008 my husband lost his well-paying job. We had to let his truck go, and we borrowed my dad's 2nd-hand car for him to drive. At least hubby had something to get back/forth to interviews! - because I had to have my car to go to work & so forth, so we needed the extra vehicle. Anyway, we couldn't really afford to do much, but once he started working again & we got all caught up, we had my dad's car painted - nothing fancy, just a regular paint job - to say "THANK YOU" for helping us when we needed it. :^: So maybe planning something like that will help you let go of some of your guilt. :hug:

drake3272004
04-07-2012, 10:52 AM
From someone who never could rely on parents for anything, my advice is make sure you are contributing in some way. Not just monetary, but do that little extra cleaning around the house.
And make sure you express to your parents how grateful and appreciative you are! It's the little things that matter.

jules1216
04-09-2012, 08:13 PM
From someone who never could rely on parents for anything, my advice is make sure you are contributing in some way. Not just monetary, but do that little extra cleaning around the house.
And make sure you express to your parents how grateful and appreciative you are! It's the little things that matter.


As the parent of a 27 year old son who moved back in with 2 kids under 2...We parents are grateful for the little things you do so we dont have too, just remember we need some quiet time to ourselves too...

MARLA26
04-09-2012, 09:09 PM
Keep a tally of what you owe them, and then pay them off when you both get jobs.
Rent, utilities, food, toiletries, gas, cable, etc.

You can both do ALL the chores around the house for them while staying there. Here's your opportunity to wash all the walls, windows, cut the lawn, care for the flower beds, and repaint the whole place. This is a great chance to show your appreciation for all the help they are giving the both of you.

Can his parents contribute some money to the both of you as well?

Since your parents are inconvenienced and are contributing money, the two of you can easily contribute the elbow grease.

Your parents will be happy with your contributions, and the both of you will alleviate some of your guilt feelings over the situation.

Candeka
04-09-2012, 09:21 PM
I am 22 and also married. My husband and I also live with my parents (we rent the basement suite). We are both currently in University. However, we pay ALL of our bills (including having to take out student loans). He works a dirty warehousing job where as I work security, babysitting and administration. We are super busy trying to balance both school an work, but it is what has to be done. I couldn't imagine my parents paying anything. We also pay for our own food and we pay rent (however rent here costs us about $100 less than it would to live on our own).

As long as your husband is working and you are working, I don't see why you would need much help from your parents. You should be able to manage your bills (maybe a discount on rent or something) if you are both putting full efforts into it. Even working at McDonalds can usually cover the basics such as food, rent and minor bills like cellphones.

MusicalAstronaut
04-10-2012, 01:10 AM
I'm not married, but I'm almost completely dependent on my parents after graduating from college in December. I'm spending the majority of my time looking for a job in my field (biology) or working at one of my 2 part time jobs (I make almost nothing from them somehow), but if you asked my mom she'd say I do nothing all day long. Um, hello, what does she think I'm doing on my computer? That's how you apply for jobs. Yes, networking is better, but "looking for a job is a full time job" and nowadays, you do that online. I understand how frustrating it is to be living at home. I feel guilty that I do. How do your parents feel about it? I ask because every day my mom makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap, and about once a week my parents team up and scream at me. It's starting to affect my 12 year old brother - he confided in my dad that he's worried he won't get a job. And he's TWELVE.

Anyway, my point is, how do your parents and husband feel about the situation? And you might have to start looking for a job you don't want, sadly. That's the point I'm at right now. First I looked only at jobs I really wanted or that were in the area I want to live, but now I'm at the "I'll take anything" point.

drake3272004
04-10-2012, 10:55 AM
Job market is tough. You will not find your dream job right away, sometimes not ever. You make do with what you can. That's life.

krampus
04-10-2012, 12:02 PM
Job market is crap, but there are jobs - I've run into people who feel they're too good for mediocre or less-than-ideal jobs, but that's a selfish and unrealistic attitude for spoiled brats! Your loss if you sit around with no money..........

MiZTaCCen
04-10-2012, 12:58 PM
Job market is crap, but there are jobs - I've run into people who feel they're too good for mediocre or less-than-ideal jobs, but that's a selfish and unrealistic attitude for spoiled brats! Your loss if you sit around with no money..........

I agree, theres two types of people in this world. The GO-Getter's and the lazy asses who expect the world to be handed to them. Usually it's the go-getters that make it in life...the other ones unless mommy and daddy are rich are screwed.