General chatter - Husband and family help

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03-29-2012, 01:17 AM
Nothing to do with weight loss- but everyone here is so supportive and helpful- I know someone can help!

Long, long, story shorter- I come from a very religious family. My family and hubby (then fiancÚ) got along great until my parents found out (friend ratted me out) that we had been sleeping together. My parents came unhinged. called fiancÚ names, told him they didn't want him in our family... Told me that they no longer wanted a relationship with me, told me i was being easy and a slut and they were ashamed and embarrassed of me. (ps. Hes my one and only) They later apologized to me (never to him), and asked if they could be involved in planning our wedding- I was excited (I'd always been close to my family and wanted them to approve of me and have a role in my life). So we're going along, planning a wedding, my hubby and parents tolerate each other, when my dad cancelled all of my reservations, and tells me I shouldn't marry my fiancÚ. So, after telling friends and family to "save the date" and be at my location on said date-- I find it's been cancelled and is now unavailable- caterer booked by someone else, basically all of my plans gone. FiancÚ and I are furious- neither of us speak to my parents for a while, and we get married alone at the courthouse (no family)

Now- its been nearly 3 years since my husband has spoken to my family- I have seen them for big evens (Christmas and a few church gatherings) but that's it. I love my younger siblings and want to see them more often- nothing has been their fault. And I feel ready to reconcile my relationship with my parents... They are my parents and I can't avoid them forever.

My husband still Hates them. Has NO desire to fix anything and feels that by wanting a relationship with my parents I am not standing up for him. I am upset over all that's happened- but Im done holding all this anger. DH and I have been fighting over it quite a bit.. Tomorrow I'm going to breakfast with my siblings which he says he doesn't care and I should go have fun, but I can tell its gotten under his skin- even though I've tried to tell him that the only time I'll really be seeing my parents is to pick up and drop off my 2 sisters and brother. I think there is also a fear there that any time I spend with my family will be spent with them trying to turn me against him. It USED to be that way, but now I've held my ground for so long that I think my family has given up on driving us apart. (the only reason they didn't like him was the sleeping together and we don't attend church each Sunday- he's a great guy and nothing for them to be so worried over)

Am I wrong? Are we both wrong? What would you do? I feel so lost :,(

03-29-2012, 01:23 AM
Holy crap. I can completely understand why your husband would want not relationship with these people. However, on the flip side, they are your family and I can understand why you want to still be in contact with them (especially your younger siblings as it was not their fault)

You should do what you feel is best in your heart. By seeing your siblings, you are not choosing them over your husband. You already showed your family that you chose him over them by marrying him and limiting contact with them. As long as you stand up for him if your parents decide to belittle him, then it should be okay.

03-29-2012, 02:10 AM
I don't see why he should have a problem with you seeing your siblings...they had nothing to do with it.

However, you can bet your buttons that if I were him, I would expect you to end the relationship with your parents until they apologized to me and made an effort to fix things. Your husband is your family now and you ought to stand up for him and tell your parents that they need to apologize for the crap they pulled.

03-29-2012, 04:13 AM
I don't see why he should have a problem with you seeing your siblings...they had nothing to do with it.

However, you can bet your buttons that if I were him, I would expect you to end the relationship with your parents until they apologized to me and made an effort to fix things. Your husband is your family now and you ought to stand up for him and tell your parents that they need to apologize for the crap they pulled.

I think this is the perfect answer. The main thing is when you get married, you start a new family. Your husband is your family and you should be more devoted to him than anyone else. Your parents and sibilings are now your extended family. It is hard to not be in touch with your family. I haven┤t had an adult relationship with my parents in 10 years and I have missed seeing my siblings grow up (Im the oldest). It┤s hard, but you should stick to your guns and demand an apology.

03-29-2012, 07:43 AM
I can see both sides of this. You just have to promise him that you understand his feelings and won't try to pressure him to reconcile - he doesn't have to. And try to emphasize that while you love him and support him, that you miss your family - as messed up as they are about all of it. That you can't hold the anger forever and want to try to form some sort of relationship.

But I have to tell you - be careful of your heart. If they did THIS over you having sex before marriage? The trust is forever gone (or so it should be) between your parents and you. You can't hope to have a happy little family. They will get into your business about when you have kids, how you will raise your kids etc. Realize that.

But it is true that your siblings had nothing to do with this and you can try to form a relationship. Though that too will probably be strained- they've had years of listening to their parents "whatever" about you. They will be tainted too.

Good luck.

03-29-2012, 07:55 AM
Wow what an awful position to be put into. I think the posts from BananaMontana and BBB are spot on.

I have a difficult relationship with my Mum over something she did. The trust is gone forever and it took some 10 years for us to get back on speaking/friendly terms. We have a relationship but that closeness is gone forever and I'm happy to keep it that way. You need to decide exactly what you want from a relationship with them but bear in mind BBB's warning. :hug:

03-29-2012, 08:33 AM
If you keep fighting with your husband over this, your parents will get exactly what they want.

I can understand their disappointment over what happened between you and your husband before you got married, but you are both adults and you are married now. You need to stick by your husband. Keep praying about it, love your husband, and stand your ground with your parents.

Stay in contact with your siblings, but you may need to cut off your parents completely at least for the time being, otherwise they have no reason to reconsider, and forgive, and you are putting your marriage at risk.

As religious people, your parents need to forgive (if you and your husband acknowledged your parents' concerns), but it sounds like they are more interested in being angry than moving on. If they do forgive, then it will be on your husband to forgive them and be gracious.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but your parents have made a choice. Keep praying on it. Perhaps all of their hearts will soften in time. In the meantime, your husband is your family - don't jeopardize that. I agree that you should stay in touch with your siblings.

So sorry this has happened.

03-29-2012, 09:18 AM
I understand about problem in-laws. I have several that have been so terrible over the last 18+ years, that a couple of years ago I finally decided that I would have nothing to do with the family as a whole. I would get together with individuals on a one-on-one basis and I would go to once-in-a-lifetime events (weddings, funerals, etc). So I understand your husband's view. I encourage my dh to go to family events without me, but to please not be there all day as I have no family anywhere near, but it does feel like he's not taking my side every time he does. So it's a darned if you do, darned if you don't situation all the way around.

Would your husband be willing to have a relationship with your siblings? Would he be willing to go to breakfast with y'all? Perhaps if he forms some good bonds with them, it will go a long way to helping you do things with them. And because he is being included, he is less likely to feel abandoned.

I will be sending you good thoughts and prayers...

03-29-2012, 09:29 AM
The only way out of this situation that will be good for both "sides" is through forgiveness.

What's done is done. The longer both "sides" keep :frypan: :kickbutt: :frypan: each other, the longer and sadder the outcome will be.

Years of "family" have already been lost that will not come back.

"SIDES" being taken between you and your husband have taken a toll too.

If all "sides" are willing to forgive, then through communication, without :mad: anger, it is very possible.

Those "sides" that will forgive WILL benefit :) in the long run, those that don't will surely benefit less :(

One that actually forgives does not demand an apology :nono:

True forgiveness has to come from the :val1: with no strings attached.

At the same time, what will and will not be respectfully tolerated anymore, needs to be "communicated" from all "sides".

Much has been lost already :( You know the dynamics of your family....we don't....

I pray you find a way to lead your family back together...

Communicate with your husband your desire, he is the key in all of this....

I will do just about anything for my wife....

I :love: love :love: her dearly and (try to) unconditionally :hug:

but it comes with communication and forgiveness.

03-29-2012, 09:57 AM
I kinda know where you husband and I eloped......and when we told his mom.....she called me a B. This is after we had lived together for 2 years. She gloated after we divorced.....20 years later. I would make nice when we had to visit her.....but even my ex would not spend lots of time there.

It is a tough spot for both of you. But as Italiannie said......being religious should put it in your parents hearts to forgive any past transgressions. I would even mention that to them (but I AM a bit of a smartaleck).

03-29-2012, 10:44 AM
Thank you all so much for the responses- I SO appreciate the time each of you took to answer, and each of you made some great points and are right.

I do of course put my husband first, always- and we usually find a compromise, I guess the hardest part is that my siblings are all very young from 9-17, there are 4 of them- and they are obviously living with my parents- which means that yes, I'm sure they hear this- and that about my husband and I.

There is a little more to the story where my parents have apologized several times- only to turn on us a few days/weeks later- I was truly very close to all of my family before I was "stolen from them" as they would put it.

I guess it's just hard to swallow that I may never have a "normal" family relationship with them again- I hate feeling jealous of friends who go out to lunch with their moms or have their dad come help the couplr remodel... Just little things like that that I wish I could have- maybe its silly.

So I think that the relationships with my siblings can heal and grow, especially when they get older and more independent- but I fell that as far as my parents go, I'll never fully be able to trust them again.

Thanks everyone for helping me get my head on a little straighter..

03-29-2012, 10:58 AM
Is there a slightly neutral third party that can get involved? I don't think you mentioned whether you and your parents still attend the same church (likely not). Could you possibly have a sit down with maybe you, the pastor and your parents and then bring DH in if they seem willing to discuss it?

I'll admit, I'm not Christian/religious but I've been around it all my life. Basically, my family, pastor brother in law included, think to harbor such feelings of disdain and anger are akin to creating a dark place in your heart/soul for Satan to get hold. If you remove the religious speak, it's a pretty good moral for life. This is why I think it's best for all of you to meet with their pastor; I've yet to meet one that would Rah Rah! for a family to harbor such destructive feelings That are tearing a family apart.

03-29-2012, 10:59 AM
I had a situation where my hubby and my mother were not getting along, so I told hubby, since we have kids, he has to get along with their grandmother. I could not talk to my mother about it, but I wrote her a letter, that they needed to get along for the sake of the kids. They have been ok since then (a few years now).

So, maybe you can talk to your hubby about it and write your parents a letter and let them know that if they want you in their life, they're going to have to get along.

Good luck!

03-29-2012, 11:02 AM
I don't see why he should have a problem with you seeing your siblings...they had nothing to do with it.

However, you can bet your buttons that if I were him, I would expect you to end the relationship with your parents until they apologized to me and made an effort to fix things. Your husband is your family now and you ought to stand up for him and tell your parents that they need to apologize for the crap they pulled.
I agree with this as well. I understand why your husband can't forgive them and I understand why you want to let the anger go.You can forgive them but still tell them your husband needs a heartfelt apology before you allow them back into your lives.

03-29-2012, 12:08 PM
What a terrible situation to be stuck in the middle of.

You have a huge heart to be ready to reconcile things with your parents, and I wish you all the best. Your siblings are in a tough place too - I hope you can maintain good relationships with them.

03-29-2012, 03:29 PM
It sounds like you are young yet.

Been there. Done that. Totally different situation, but we learn from history so let me give you an abridged version of what I went through.

I came from a strict Catholic family. I met my (now ex) husband at age 19, married at 23 against my parents will. And I mean stomping and screaming and begging and pleading not to marry this guy.

Both parents and husband did their best to alienate me from oposing parties and I sided with my husband. In fact, I specifically chose the vows of "child separates from parents and goes to spouse" or however the Bible actually has it worded, to announce to the world that I am now with my husband and not under my parents.

Here I am at age 42, divorced. There was nothing more profound than the day I called my mom and told her, "I know there's something wrong. I know I need a divorce."

Guess what happened? My parents backed me 110%. I went through 2 years of learning and discovering that I was a victim of verbal and emotional abuse.

My parents were right afterall.

Not saying that this is your predicament AT ALL. Just stated to tell you to be absolutely sure of all angles of the true picture and mostly to know that as a daughter and as a mother, no matter WHAT, I will always have my blood family.

Take 'em or leave 'em on a daily basis, but when crisis happens, who is going to be there?

So no matter what you choose to do, and I totally agree and LOVE previous poster's advice, consider that even when you close the door on family, they and you always...ALWAYS...have a key to get back in.


03-29-2012, 06:01 PM
Talk to your DH. With a minister, or counselor or whoever to mediate if you need to. This does NOT need to cause a rift between you.

What do you expect here?
What do you hope for?
What does he expect here?
What does he hope for?

Work on the compromise for YOU guys and let the parents worry about their own personal growth. (For the record, I think they are being foolish. Nobody "stole" you. You are an adult woman!)

If you have feelings for family and they have apologized enough for you to want to mend fences, it is not reasonable for him to want you not to see them at all. You don't have to be HAPPY that they are being mean to him, but that's a separate relationship.

And it is not reasonable if he's gotten NOTHING but bad treatment from them for you to want him to come hang out at christmas and whatnot like nothing happened and nothing needs to be apologized for. Again... you don't have to be happy this is how it is... but your DH & parents? That's THEIR relationship.

There's these four relationships:

1 You and DH.
2 You and parents.
3 DH and parents.
4 You and DH and parents together.

The last is not going to be good if #3 is not solid. But #1 and #2 can be had if both you and DH are reasonable about it.

Me? I've been in similar shoes. My dad has mental illness and before the dx and meds and therapies to get him stable, he said all kinds of CRAP about all members of the family that were not true.

We all gave him the pass of "Alright, he's mentally ill." But we also gave OURSELVES the pass of "I'm not looking for extra hassle either."

My kid was clearly uncomfortable and so was my DH. So DH and I agreed that I would go see my parents and they could skip out.

And this is how it is for now. He doesn't guilt me about my visits, but I don't guilt him into coming either.

He knows I put US first, because I do that for him. I know he puts US first because he does for me.

And that's what matters most to me -- my #1 relationship.


03-29-2012, 09:11 PM
You seem to be more intelligent in your handling of this situation than your parents. And your husband is taking the right position.

And it is best not to argue with your husband about them. He has been hurt and betrayed by them on numerous occasions, just as you have.
His reaction is quite a bit different than yours because you have spent all your developing years with your parents and siblings.

Your husband is trying in the best way he knows to have a happy and secure life with you now. Your parents still see you as "their" little girl that they want to control.

Your parents are trying to bring your marraige down. They would like to destroy your marraige. That is evil.

It is a lot easier for your husband to turn his back on them. It is best to limit your contact with your parents, as they made the statement he "stole" you from them. You are not a piece of property, like a chair, that your parents own. They raised you, but never owned you.

The best thing you did was leave them and start a new and better life for yourself. You are a sweet person that deserves happiness.

You sure came out of a dysfunctional family. The life you have with your husband is much better than what you grew up with. I hope your siblings come out of this stifling situation with their sanity intact.

Best of luck to you.