100 lb. Club - Depressed
I was feeling really good today and then I came across something that my husband has been hiding from me. I know we have talked before about men downloading certain pictures off the internet...well I know my husband does that and he knows that I don't like it. As long as I don't know about it, it doesn't bother me too much. He has also in the past bought magazines, videos etc, again as long as I am ignorant I'm okay. I don't pretend to believe that I can change him, all I have asked is that he keeps it away from me and away from anywhere the baby might someday stumble across it. Anyway I was looking for a blank disc and there was a certain kind of toy in one of his dressers that he uses to store his discs. I certainly wasn't snooping around looking for something like that, I pretty much know where he keeps all his stuff, magazines etc, but I was unaware he was buying stuff like this. I don't want to go into a lot of graphic detail about what it was, initially I was going to call him at work and freak out but I've calmed down a bit. Am I being too complacent about all of this? All this time I've preferred to just be ignorant and pretend it wasn't there because I think that making a big deal out of it and making him get rid of everything is probably not the best way to go. It will just make him more defensive and want the stuff. I've been hoping that he'll grow out of this kind of behaviour but it appears that it hasn't happened yet if it ever will. I can't say how long this has been there, it could have been there for awhile I can't think of the last time I looked in this drawer for anything. Still it bugs me that he has this kind of stuff.
what should I do about this? Should I just pretend I didn't see it and get over it or should I say something about it? We talked a long time ago before the baby was born and I told him I wanted him to get rid of his magazines and he hasn't yet. I don't think the baby is going to come across any of this stuff any time soon but I don't want to wait until he does at some time in the future. I feel just sick about all of this. It has completely ruined my day.
03-11-2003, 12:01 PM
This is my personal 2 cents :) .. for what it's worth.
If it really bothers you .. you have to talk to him about it. BUT -don't judge him about it. Ask why.. that you want to understand him more about him. Has he always been into this? or just recently? Are you happy in that area of your life. I know that a few years after I had Sara I had a hard time switching hats (ie. mommy during the date and the wild sex crazed woman my dh was looking for at night)
Personally - it wouldn't bother me at all. Sex if fun! - go crazy :) - but that's just me.
I know this doesn't help.. but communication is very important. You can't pretend it isn't happening.
03-11-2003, 12:24 PM
Have you ever thought to ask to be included? Find out what makes him tick and drives him wild?
Your acceptance may just make it less attractive to indulge in. It also will allow you to have more control of where stuff goes since right now he needs to hide it from you and the baby. If you know about it and become at least more comfortable with it, he only needs to hide it from the baby (which would be a heck of a lot easier). If you don't think you can do that, consider buying a lockable filing cabinet. That way neither you or the baby will cross into his private space.
I'm a HUGE sexual deviant but I understand your feelings of being hurt. My ex had a thing for Asian Women that made me so crazy (says the tall, white girl). It's hard to understand!
However, remember that you asked to be excluded. Your husband was not hiding anything that you did not ask him to hide from you. Don't judge him and don't dwell on it! The worst thing you can do is constantly dwell on it. Air it out, make any decisions that you are going to make, and leave it at that. If it goes farther than that, you risk destroying your relationship.
03-11-2003, 04:00 PM
1st - you MUST talk to him about it. I think you did the best thing that you could do by calming yourself down before you approached him about it. He needs to know how you feel. But TRY and do it in a non-confronting manner.
2nd - Is there any way that he can sort of involve you in his interests. If you are totally offended than I agree with Jessicca about a locked cabinet so you won't "stuble across" any more stuff. But If you can find a way to become involved some how, it'll make for a stronger realtionship. I too am a wild child! Maybe not as much as hubby would like, but it works!!
03-11-2003, 04:27 PM
We are never as wild as our husbands want!
But I don't think they want us to be either :)
03-11-2003, 05:47 PM
i'm the more wild one with us, heh. david's shy.
i have to say, jen, that you did a good thing is not telling him what he can or can't have, but you have a right to let him know if things bother you. it's not going to be a fun talk, but it's something you need to do.
03-11-2003, 06:24 PM
Everyone needs a video/filing cabinet that locks. Did we learn nothing from Pam & Tommy?
I can't speak for the majority AT ALL; my grandfather has a basement full of porn--it looks like a video store down there.
I do know one thing, though. When it comes to sex, one person's idea of "Oooh, kinky" is definitely someone else's idea of "*yawn* What else ya got?". There's no accounting for it, everyone is different. And that's not a bad thing, unless he's forcing you to enjoy it w/him, which he's not.
But it still bothers you, so say something. No one can speak up for you except you. We all have our limits & if not having to see it is your one request, then he should respect that & find a suitable filing cabinet (w/a lock) to put his "treasures" in.
03-11-2003, 06:45 PM
Well not long after my baby was born I got up one morning and caught my hubbie in the act as it were with a magazine. I was horrified and depressed for ages afterwards I felt betrayed as I had just had his baby and he went behind my back sneaking porn into the house. It was him not comunicating with me that hurt the most as I felt we had a really close relationship. To cut the story short after a lot of drama I eventually felt if you can't beat them join them. I started intruduce the mag into our sex lives and as first he was really shy about it but once he opened up to the idea it really worked out great. Now when he's in the mood we go surfing on the net together and have even brought some more mags! At least this way he's not going behind my back or hiding stuff and hey it's actually fun!
I think babies change sex lives but it doesn't have to change how close you are to each other or how you open up to each other.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, it is a shock at first but in the long run you'll probably end up laughing about the whole thing.
03-12-2003, 11:00 AM
I agree that you need to talk to him. My dh and I were at one time in a similar situation where I kept stumbling across things, but we talked, and as our relationship changed and the kids started to get a little older, I learned that sex is fun! I've enjoyed being able to share in his interests (even if they don't always interest me) and he is now more able to fulfill my needs (not necessarily sexual, but mental, and even just more likely to help out with the kids and house).
I hope that you are able to resolve these issues. I know that it is hard to switch from the mommy mode to the wife mode, but it is definately worth giving a try!
I suppose I am a bit of a prude when it comes to sex. I don't find images of a naked man or woman to be a turn on. I suppose the problem is that I have too vivid of an imagination so I often think that a lot of these women are doing this under the influence of drugs or have been cocerced into it. I know that this isn't true, I suppose I am trying to find an excuse why any one would degrade themselves in this manner. Again I'll admit that I am a prude, this is my own opinion. I don't think my husband is perverted or sick, I just can't see why there is always the need for more. How many magazines, internet images, videos etc do you need? Also I can't understand, and this is probably the biggest reason I"m upset, why he would choose all of this over me? He has opportunities galore to be with me, there are plenty of times when the baby is sleeping or at daycare for the two of us. Yet most of the time he is out of the house, spending time with his best friend Ed or coaching hockey or working on his race car. Then I get sh*t later because we aren't having sex. Well if he were home when I am home we wouldn't have this problem. 99.9% of the time if I am not at work I am home. I do my errands usually when he is at work. so the times we could have sex he is more interested in doing things outside of the house without me yet he still complains. I suppose that is what really bugs me, I still get blamed for our lack of a sex life no matter what and he then turns to other things to satisfy himself when I'm at work.
I think I sound like I am rambling. I'm not as wild as some of you other ladies sound but I do enjoy sex and do try to spice things up within reason. The thing is that I"m the only one putting in any effort. My dh seems to think I am the one who has to initiate sex and he gets mad when I don't. Also he doesn't try to do anything new, he knows that I'm not into some of the things that he is but hey a little foreplay would be nice, cripes even a massage would be nice or him coming on to me. I feel like its a one way street and I truly believe I am doing my best but not getting any recognition and also the whole thing is so lame that he has to turn to these other things.
I did mention that I had seen this toy but didn't make a big deal out of it, he just kind of shrugged it off and didn't say anything. I'm not really mad about it but just feel like I am spinning my wheels in sand.
03-12-2003, 11:06 PM
I agree with you Jen. I won't tolerate that sh*t in my house and I told my husband so. I'm way more into sex than my husband so I don't even think I'm a prude but to me it's disrespectful. He married me and I don't want him looking at other women in that manner. I might be fat but I have all the right bits. They should be enough for him. If he doesn't want me and would prefer some woman in a magazine or video then let him go find her because I'm worth more than that.
03-13-2003, 12:13 AM
jen... you've raised a lot of relationship stuff above and beyond the porn and sex. i second [third, fourth] the comments the other ladies made about talking with him. there are several topics that probably need some airing.
03-13-2003, 09:05 PM
Australian Kate....you ROCK!!!!! I wanted to say the very same thing, but was too much of a chicken. Thanks for saying it for me! :D
03-14-2003, 12:10 AM
I just say what I think. I mean alot of people are really permissive when it comes to things like that but I honestly just feel it's disrespectful. Sometimes the worst things men get away with are the things we let them get away with :)
03-14-2003, 12:03 PM
However much I disagree with Kate's perspective, I think the best thing Kate did is made it clear to her husband what she was not comfortable with and she obviously has no problems communicating that. ;) That's all this boils down to - communication.
03-14-2003, 06:22 PM
I'm never afraid to let my husband know exactly how I feel, although I'm sure it works so well the other way round :P
03-18-2003, 10:37 AM
Jen, I'm dying to know what you decided to do. Could you update us on what happened?
Kate, I love your tell it how it is attitude! I don't really agree with you, but you did let him know how you feel. Good for you!