General chatter - Getting intimate (TMI)




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yhahmd
03-20-2012, 03:24 PM
So, I made a post a while ago about a guy I'm friends with. We aren't seeing each other, but the idea of FWB has been thrown around once or twice. This is extremely embarrassing and maybe not even the kind of post that's welcome on this forum, but I really had no one else to ask.

He's asked numerous times to...ahem...finger me, for lack of better explanation. I'm not 100% on board with it just yet, but it's a possibility. My fear is, how the **** are we going to pull that off without me looking like a giant white whale? Are there any good positions anyone can reccommend for the bigger girls? Ideally, I'd like to be wearing a skirt and not have to take too much off, but I don't know if that's like...proper sexiquite? lmao.

I ask because the first time we talked about it we were sitting on the couch, and that doesn't really leave much room to do anything, and getting in the bed seems to awkward at this point in the friendship. I'm nervous that if we're sitting, he'll reach down there and feel my STOMACH first (you know, that lovely, hangy bit of stomach right above the mons pubis?), and I'll be totally mortified. And if I'm laying, what if my thighs are too thick? Will it be awkward if I have to open my legs?

I cannot believe I just posted this, but I'm actually kind of excited about this because I've never done any of it before. I don't think I'll want to have SEX for a while, but this I'm more open to.

:o


4myloves
03-20-2012, 03:30 PM
If you're nervous, try it w/o the lights & with a couple of candles burning. The "romantic glow" hids numerous flaws.

Also--he probably won't care :)

Of course, if you're not comfortable for other reasons, then I say LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!! Don't have sex with ANYONE you're not ready to have sex with....for any reason!

Sinoia
03-20-2012, 03:31 PM
This is kind of cute.

Lying down really has to be best, simply because it allows you to enjoy the experience more.

I would say try not to worry about your thighs, relax them, try to share the pleasure without feeling stressed.

If you are ready to share this with him you will set aside your qualms and immerse yourself in the moment.


yhahmd
03-20-2012, 03:32 PM
I know he probably won't care, but the thing is I'm 22, I want some sort of experience. I don't really want to have sex right now, but I really do want to do SOME kind of exploring. And he's a really nice guy and I know he'd take it slow and stop if I said to.

Plus he's skinny as a freaking rail LOL so that's probably another reason I'm a little more nervous. I'm getting a little more confident as time goes on though, my stomach is definitely flattening out which is nice.

mammasita
03-20-2012, 03:33 PM
This might not be what you want to hear and this is purely my opinion, but coming from an old(er) lady who's been there done that, that sounds degrading. I know it sounds exciting for you right now, and I'm no prude by any stretch of the imagination lol, but getting "fingered" isn't the most intimate sexual act out there.

If it were me and thats all that happened, and I'm not even referring to actual intercourse (i.e. no kissing, no making out etc). I would feel dirty afterwards.

Again, just my personal thoughts. Just make sure you think through whatever you decide.

Good luck.

krampus
03-20-2012, 03:39 PM
Fingering isn't that great for a lot of women. Make sure he doesn't start off with too many fingers - you're small so one will probably be more than enough. A lot of dudes watch porn and think it's totally OK to jam two or three in there from the get-go.

He knows what you look like clothed so I'm sure he's imagined and somewhat accurately visualized you naked. Don't be self conscious about it and just have fun - but be prepared for him to want something in return. Are you ready for all this?

Sis
03-20-2012, 04:01 PM
I know your not going "that far" yet, but just remember something I told my daughter. Think A LOT before you decide. Its a gift that you can't get back, ever, once it's given. And it truely is a gift, when you have that special person to give it to. I know it probably sounds corny and old fashioned but your first time really is a once in a lifetime thing. Take care.

nelie
03-20-2012, 04:15 PM
Have you done self exploration? I think that would be your first step. Obviously people feel differently about casual encounters. Some are fine with it. Others are not. I think it can bring a strong emotional attachment though or at least that is my experience. I had a good friend in college who wanted to be friends with benefits. In the end, I decided against it. We had a great time together and quasi dated for over a year. Nothing sexual happened between us and it didn't need to.

I also had my first sexual experience when I weighed 350 lbs. if a guy cares about you, then your weight really doesn't matter.

kateleestar
03-20-2012, 04:16 PM
This reminds me of this:

Reverend Boteright: You know, Rory, being a young lady comes with many gifts. Your virtue, for example, is a gift, a precious gift, possibly the most precious gift you possess.
Rory: Uh huh...
Reverend Boteright: You want to give this gift very carefully. It is a gift you can only give to one man. Once you give it, it's gone, you cant re-gift it. If you give it away too soon, to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you have no gift to give... you'll have to buy him a sweater. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Rory: No.
Reverend Boteright: Think long and hard about when and to whom you want to give the ultimate gift you have to give away.
Rory: Oh.
Reverend Boteright: Yes.
Rory: Oh dear...
Reverend Boteright: Oh dear indeed.
Rory: Um, well, listen, reverend, I really appreciate you taking the time out of what I assume is a busy day to come here and talk to me about... all of this, but I'm afraid the ultimate gift ship has sailed.
Reverend Boteright: What?
Rory: A while ago... it's probably in Fiji by now.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0588226/

-----------------------

I know its from gilmore girls, lol, but its true. Once you go down that path, once you "give that gift", there is never any going back. EVER. Make sure you are ready to go. And that you're "all packed up" if you know what I mean. A lot of times one thing, ie: fingering, leads to another... I'd want you to be prepared for.. another.

Good luck. :)

WebWoman
03-20-2012, 04:17 PM
Be aware that something as "small" as that often leads to full blown sox. Once you're in that vulnerable position, the neck kissing begins, it goes lower, and you're there before you know it.

Also, as Krampus said, he will expect something in return and we all know what that something is... do you want to do that just with a "friend"?

XLMuffnTop
03-20-2012, 04:18 PM
I'm 28 and definitely not "old" :D but I'm with Mammasita on this. Really think it through. I understand you want to start experiencing things but it should be with someone you really care for and really cares for you. If you think back on your first time or even first experiences, don't regret them!

Honestly, I've never been a "friends with benefits" person. I can't enjoy any experience with them unless there are really deep down emotions tied to it. I cannot separate sex and emotion.

Are you not open to a relationship with him or is he not interested in dating you? If it's the latter, my question would be why is he OK with sex but not a relationship? This may not be the case but it's something you should know the answer to and be comfortable with.

TurboMammoth
03-20-2012, 04:25 PM
I agree with pretty much everything krampus said.

And honestly, guys always seem to think they're awesome at this kind of stuff.. However, most of the times, they just really suck LOL Try to not build too much expectations about the first encounter.

yhahmd
03-20-2012, 04:33 PM
I'm kind of torn, because If I get into a serious relationship, be it with him or someone completely different, I don't want to know absolutely nothing. And I mean NOTHING. I thought it wouldn't be such a bad idea to try things out with a guy I feel safe around, and that if I just didn't have sex (and trust me, I won't if I don't want to, and I don't want to right now), it wouldn't be that big a deal. And honestly, I guess the reason I'm okay with it is because I literally get no pleasure out of penetration of any kind, so it doesn't seem like something so special. I would probably be okay learning to give a blowjob too, because I have no freaking clue how to go about that, even after watching tons of porn.

As for what you asked, MuffnTop, I'm not sure. I'm not really looking for a relationship right now, and as far as I know, he isn't either. We're just friends, and our friends have been trying to set us up. But now I'm wondering, why sex and not a relationship? Maybe because I've said I'm not looking for one?

astrophe
03-20-2012, 04:34 PM
You seem to be asking several things there.

1) FWB -- if you are sure this is the type relationship you want with this person, that's up to you. But don't go there if you really aren't sure just because HE wants to. Some people can separate sex from emotional bonding, but some cannot. Talk about what that MEANS to each of you. Because what one person calls FWB may not the same definition as a another.

I had a FWB and we had the agreement of safe sex always and though we were not exclusive, I did expect to be told of any OTHER FWB or lovers in the picture so I could make fully informed decisions.

2) Wear whatever for clothes. That can be lifted up or come off or whatever. That's minor.

I'd be more concerned about health hygiene. Digital sex still requires hygiene -- so make sure fingernails are trimmed and filed, and gloves handy.

Even if this "only" digital sex or only a ONE TIME thing -- do the sex talk. How many partners before you? Any concurrent FWBs/lovers floating around? Health history? STDs? Attitudes about birth control? Accidental pregnancy? Who pays for what? When was your last screen and can I see a copy? Everything like that.

Because if digital sex should lead to other things in heat of the moment even if you don't think it will or even later down the road it leads to a longer thing than one time... I think it's better to know where we stand on things NOW than end up in a bind later because we didn't stop to have the talk!

When I was single I also had a small secret savings acct to pay for EVERYTHING myself. I expected to split the costs halfsies for whatever was needed but I wasn't about to be left in a bind just because HE was broke and couldn't buy condoms or something!

I'd suggest self exploration too. That IS sexual experience. A lot of what we teach our lovers comes from knowing what we do/do not like! Your partner will tell you what works or doesn't for them. Just ask.

This digital sex request at this stage of the relationship when you are only friends and you haven't even had a real date seems premature to me, if not bordering on fresh. Does he ask all his women friends this? Just like that? "Hey can I finger you?" Jeez. Some friend!

Why the digital sex? Why not a date? Just kissing and hugging? Have the sex hygiene talk and perhaps kissing and over the clothes petting stuff. Not jump into digital sex too fast. Because honestly? Having the sex talk alone is sometimes enough litmus test to see how respectful/honest/clean this person is.

I'm not knocking FWB -- I just find it weird to want to START there, and start with digital sex. It's like he's asking that because he knows you'd turn down full sex? Wassup with that? Sheesh.

In my experience, we were friends. Then some dates. Then the talk, and we were lovers. It was FWB because I didn't want to stop dating others and be exclusive. I wanted an open relationship at the time. He was ok with that.

I enjoyed his company, but I still wanted to look around. He was free to date also, but the agreement was safe sex, and I don't need to know who else you are dating unless it's looking like moving to lover level too. Then just tell me so I can make a choice if I'm still in or not. That was fair enough for both of us.

But the point is... we DID talk it out and figure out where we stood relationship wise, health wise, etc.

As for what you asked, MuffnTop, I'm not sure. I'm not really looking for a relationship right now, and as far as I know, he isn't either. We're just friends, and our friends have been trying to set us up. But now I'm wondering, why sex and not a relationship? Maybe because I've said I'm not looking for one?

So? You don't want an "exclusive, closed relationship" right now.

That doesn't mean an "open relationship" format doesn't need to be discussed, negotiated, agreed to first before jumping into bed for digital sex!

Even a "one time thing" requires some discussion and negotiation so it is respectful, safe and pleasant for all.

Like I said... there's being respectful about it (whatever type IT is) and then getting kinda fresh.

A.

MiZTaCCen
03-20-2012, 04:41 PM
This is a matter of my opinion because I am experienced with this...

From the sounds of it you're not comfortable enough with yourself and to be honest in order to have FWB you need to be pretty sure with yourself in order for it to work because if you're not it becomes too messy and complicated. The point of FWB is not having feelings or thoughts towards the other person or them having feelings towards you. It's just sex. If you can't make it just sex, than I don't suggest doing it. But one way to work towards that is one Liquor always helps if your really sure this is something you want to do. Also wear a skirt or wear a baggy shirt so your not completely naked. Lights out completely is always good to. Do it in the bed, do it everywhere. It only becomes awkward when you develop feelings and ruin the whole FWB thing.

I once had a deal with a guy who was my friend to be FWB it was great, we set out rules for it...another thing you need rules. Everything needs rules. so talk to him about it. Don't just ASSUME you both are on the same page with everything because you probably aren't.

1) don't get attached
2) don't tell me about your other relationships
3) DON'T GET ATTACHED! Feelings are a NO NO!

Well he broke the rule and got attached in the end he got hurt. The second feelings start coming involded and only ONE of you has them. It has to stop. because trust me if you start to develop feelings and he doesn't feel the same for you...in the end it's your self esteem that may get ruined because after ever encounter you have with a guy who you feel for and who feels nothing for you, make you feel like ****. Not him.

I don't know I think you really need the mentality it for it, because it can be a real eye opener if you're not prepared. They say sex can be pretty vulverable and put you in a vulverable place. You need think whether it's really the best thing for you "experienced, or not".

Good luck, always do whats best for YOU in the end. If one minute you decided with him you wanted to do it, and the next don't. Then don't. If he gets mad well so what, he's just a guy and theres plenty more out there!

:hug:

Kriket84
03-20-2012, 04:53 PM
You got some great advice. I am 27, and have been maried 5 years, my advice:

FWB is fake. You *WILL* be emotionally involved with anyone you share "benefits"

Fingering is sex. You wont get pregnant, but its sex. It doesnt matter what someone puts in your yoni, it forges the same bond.

If you want to be in a relationship go for it! But dont lie to yourself about it not being sex, or FWB. Go big or go home ;)

berryblondeboys
03-20-2012, 05:26 PM
Every girl at 22 thinks they are the last virgin on the planet - it isn't true and WHEN you meet the guy you want to 'go all the way with' he won't care if you're inexperienced or not. He'll be into you and care about you and want your first experience to be a positive one - that's the benefit of doing things (anything) with someone who really cares about you - more than just sex.

Second, if you know nothing, then learn, but learn it by yourself first. Honestly, every single teen girl should be taught that masturbating is their best gift to themselves and someday to their future lover. You say penetration does nothing for you - have you tried it? Have you tried other forms of stimulation? If not, get a book or find something online and learn how. That why WHEN you have a lover, you can show or tell him what you like. Teaching him to touch you there or here or not too hard or harder. Every woman is different so no guy is going to know what works for you. Plus, why have a guy teach you what you like? Teach him!

sontaikle
03-20-2012, 05:35 PM
Don't do anything unless you're on board 100% You will regret it otherwise. Trust me. I made that mistake and I STILL regret it. It wasn't all the way, thank god, but I still regret it.

Don't worry about being a virgin at 22 and please don't let that influence your decision. I'm almost 24 and still haven't done the deed, and I've got friends around my age who haven't as well ;)

MariaMaria
03-20-2012, 07:27 PM
So you're not really interested in him and you're not feeling good about yourself in relation to him, but you're thinking about fooling around with him as practice for the next guy? Why does this even possibly sound like a good idea?

(And FWIW I started a lot younger than you are now. I'm not judging.)

berryblondeboys
03-20-2012, 07:35 PM
Don't do anything unless you're on board 100% You will regret it otherwise. Trust me. I made that mistake and I STILL regret it. It wasn't all the way, thank god, but I still regret it.

Don't worry about being a virgin at 22 and please don't let that influence your decision. I'm almost 24 and still haven't done the deed, and I've got friends around my age who haven't as well ;)

Just piggy backing on this. I was 22 the first time I had sex and it ended up being the man I married - though we didn't wait until we were married. It just happened that the right guy didn't come along until that time.

I was soooooooo sure that a guy would be turned off by it or would think I was a prude because of it. No - not at all. Now, I don't view virginity as a 'gift' as it's just a state of being. And my husband to be didn't view it as a gift either, but it was just a nonissue. So, I had things to learn - most of it comes naturally - you touch, you get touched - you do what feels good.

My best friend was a virgin until she was almost 30. My siblings were all in their 20s too - 22-25 for the first time (of us 4). And LOTS of my friends were still virgins - male and female. And guess what... we're all in our 40s now - married, had kids, etc and it was a non-issue for ALL of us. It happens when it happens. Getting experience isn't worth a heck of a lot.

Now, if you are just curious and want to experiment - fine - just be careful.

sacha
03-20-2012, 07:56 PM
How would you feel knowing he's doing that to other girls around the same time/

Honestly/

Because a man who treats you like a "FWB" and asks such a thing before he's ever asked you on a date, is likely doing that with more than one.

If that's what you want then by all means you are an adult woman. However, in hindsight looking back to my early 20's as well, I was a piece of meat to be used. Not great.

The reason you probably don't enjoy penetration that much is because like many women, you need to feel love/romance in order to enjoy the experience. I don't mind porn at all but one has to wonder where people get the idea that women in general like being poked and prodded like play doh from random objects (there are always exceptions, of course)

EZMONEY
03-20-2012, 08:24 PM
From my experience as a male...

"I just want to touch yours"

is as big a lie as....

"I don't touch mine"

Be careful....

not too many people in life walk around saying...

"I waited too long"

sacha
03-20-2012, 08:31 PM
I know he probably won't care, but the thing is I'm 22, I want some sort of experience. I don't really want to have sex right now, but I really do want to do SOME kind of exploring. And he's a really nice guy and I know he'd take it slow and stop if I said to.

Plus he's skinny as a freaking rail LOL so that's probably another reason I'm a little more nervous. I'm getting a little more confident as time goes on though, my stomach is definitely flattening out which is nice.

Honestly yhahmd, a "nice guy" will kiss you after a date. A guy who brings up that he wants to "finger" you is not. Since you are inexperienced, like most inexperienced girls, you can't clearly see the wolf in sheep's clothing. He will try to push you to do much more than that, and don't fool yourself otherwise because a man does not start off asking to 'finger' a girl he is not dating and then walk away from the situation.

Like I said, if that is what you are interested in, then you are an adult and free to make choices! But do not convince yourself this is simply an innocent exploration with a nice boy who will respect you and your boundaries. No, those men ask you to coffee.

Glory87
03-20-2012, 08:57 PM
It just seems to me that relationships should be more...organic. You start with a kiss, not a clinical discussion of a single sex act. I'm pretty old fashioned, though :)

Definitely not judging, if you want to experiment, you should. I would hope you would feel a powerful attraction/like for the person, so it will be special for you and not just a thing you do just to do it. In my opinion, you kiss him first. If there is chemistry and desire, you won't be as concerned with what you're wearing or where you're sitting.

MiZTaCCen
03-20-2012, 10:28 PM
Here's another thing boys will be boys, you can be experienced all you want doesn't mean they'll like you more or respect you more. Do this for you not because he's a horn dog and wants to get laid. Guys will always look for an easy target (not saying you're one just saying in general) and just because your "friend" right now is a "nice" guy doesn't mean he'll always be a nice guy. Beware sometimes people treat you one way and then once you give it up to them they see you differently and may treat you differently. DO this when YOU'RE READY and you really want to. and if this is your first time, don't give it up to some D-bag just because he's "nice" give it to some who respects you and generally cares for you.

Elladorine
03-20-2012, 11:04 PM
And honestly, I guess the reason I'm okay with it is because I literally get no pleasure out of penetration of any kind, so it doesn't seem like something so special.
I felt the exact same way while I was still a virgin, and I was a virgin until I was 25; let's just say I experimented whenever my hormones got crazy and penetration seemed mechanical and unfeeling no matter what. But all that changed when I actually started having sex. It did turn into something special, for lack of a better term. I had the discussion with a friend years later, a lesbian that has no interest in men, and she suggested that maybe the difference for me was that a penis is actually alive, part of another living being, and that your emotional feelings for that human being affect the feelings of your physical intimacy.

Personally, I couldn't handle being a friend with benefits. It's called "intimacy" for a reason, and once you get physical it's likely that other feelings will form and end up hurting you, even if you restrain from going all the way. I'm not a prude by any means and I'm all for consensual sex between two adults, but you're the only person that can figure out if you can emotionally handle what you're thinking about getting yourself into.

Good luck to you.

MusicalAstronaut
03-20-2012, 11:50 PM
From someone who's been there....even if you think you'll say stop, you might not. The first time my ex and I had sex, I was not planning on it happening. Not sure about him, but I wasn't. And to be honest, being fingered isn't that great. :/ It's just....weird, and I never got much of anything out it, and my ex and I were together almost 2 years. There's the whole hygiene thing to think about too if you do end up doing it - make sure his hands/nails are clean and his nails are short & filed.

I know you want to experience this, but I swear, it means so much more if it's with someone you love. You'll never regret waiting. If you want to know what it's like, I also suggest self experimentation. No one knows your body better than you do.

MusicalAstronaut
03-21-2012, 12:27 AM
Oh, also, don't worry about being inexperienced if you end up in a relationship with a guy. Would you really want to be with someone who's like "You're a virgin? Oh man, this just isn't going to work". If you want to do this, do it, but really make sure you think about your reasons behind it and make sure you really trust this guy. Getting hurt sucks.

wtfudge
03-21-2012, 12:45 AM
The truth is, none of us know for sure lol... possibly not even you. =/ You know? Like: Whether or not FWB will work out without harboring any feelings whatsoever, whether or not it'll work AND you'll fall in love, whether or not the guy just wants something in return and that's why he's pressing on, whether or not you're ready, whether or not you should wait.

I think my official 2 cents is: don't force yourself. As in, you can plan to explore each other's bodies, but if you guys start to do something you're not comfortable with, just say it and stop the action. It's not completely bizarro to postpone sexual activity. And if you're really friends, and he's really a good guy, I'm sure you'll be able to say "I'm not ready yet" or "I actually think I want this to be with someone I love, not with just a FWB" and he'd be understanding.

Btw, I'm 20 and lost my virginity ~2 years ago, and I postponed for maybe a month :P We tried about twice a week haha. Because it hurt and I felt super awkward/uncomfortable about the entire deal.

In the end... in my individual case, it worked out and we fell madly in love. I wasn't in love at the time though, I think. But on the flip side, what I felt towards my current BF was unlike something I've ever felt before, so I went with the flow. That's juuuust me though, and your life may be quite different.

Good luck with whatever you do!!! :)

JudgeDread
03-21-2012, 01:01 AM
And I mean NOTHING. I thought it wouldn't be such a bad idea to try things out with a guy I feel safe around, and that if I just didn't have sex (and trust me, I won't if I don't want to, and I don't want to right now), it wouldn't be that big a deal. And honestly, I guess the reason I'm okay with it is because I literally get no pleasure out of penetration of any kind, so it doesn't seem like something so special. I would probably be okay learning to give a blowjob too, because I have no freaking clue how to go about that, even after watching tons of porn.


You are a grown woman and can do what you believe is right for you. That being said, you should NEVER worry about being inexperienced. If you get into a relationship and you REALLY like each other..and he understands your inexperienced..he won't care. You will learn and grow together. There's nothing to be ashamed of..in fact you can take some pride in not giving in to peer pressure.....

Understandably we all get horny at times and really get curious...but I agree with the above said..get to know what YOU like...some solo time with new toys. You may want to try more clit vibrators if penetration doesn't do much for you.

Just remember you can get STD's from BJs too...so know who you are getting involved with and what he really wants out of it. Ultimately it is up to you, but again there is NO shame in being inexperienced. Your future husband may really respect you more for it.

Arctic Mama
03-21-2012, 06:25 AM
I'm kind of torn, because If I get into a serious relationship, be it with him or someone completely different, I don't want to know absolutely nothing. And I mean NOTHING. I thought it wouldn't be such a bad idea to try things out with a guy I feel safe around, and that if I just didn't have sex (and trust me, I won't if I don't want to, and I don't want to right now), it wouldn't be that big a deal. And honestly, I guess the reason I'm okay with it is because I literally get no pleasure out of penetration of any kind, so it doesn't seem like something so special. I would probably be okay learning to give a blowjob too, because I have no freaking clue how to go about that, even after watching tons of porn.

As for what you asked, MuffnTop, I'm not sure. I'm not really looking for a relationship right now, and as far as I know, he isn't either. We're just friends, and our friends have been trying to set us up. But now I'm wondering, why sex and not a relationship? Maybe because I've said I'm not looking for one?

Knowing absolutely nothing is awesome. Seriously. My husband knew absolutely nothing (the guy didn't even kiss me until he'd asked my father's permission to marry me and then proposed) and it was the greatest gift I have ever been given by anyone in my life, including the birth and raising of my children. His intentional preserving of himself for me, with no standard of comparison, no strings, and no baggage? I felt like the most special girl on earth that such a brilliant, handsome, accomplished man thought I was worth waiting his entire life to enjoy (he was 28 when we married, so that was a lot of years of temptation through college, work, etc).

Me, on the other hand, had sex and sexual encounters, most of them frivolous, friends-with-benefits and no attachment kind. Not only was it emotionally unhealthy (most women aren't designed, biologically and emotionally, for no-strings sex, as we bear the responsibility of giving birth and raising children, it behooves us from a developmental standpoint to seek permanent, steady attachment before we give away so much physical and mental energy, so to speak), but you'd better believe my years of 'experience' did so much more damage to my marriage than it helped. It is one of those massive life regrets, one of the few, I've had. And quite frankly it feels like crap to have someone who thought you were special enough to wait for - and to give used, damaged goods in return (which, given the toll those encounters had wrought on my heart, self esteem, and understanding of what a healthy relationship entailed, I don't believe calling myself damaged is too strong. It may be an understatement).

That casual sex and intimacy did damage to my heart and was pollution, pure and plain, to my marriage. It took a lot of time and forgiveness, growth of all kinds, to move past the habits, expectations, and issues I'd developed from using sex casually and without regard for the value of heart and virtue.

Now I am not saying you feel the same way me or my husband do, or hold our values. But as a woman who used to believe in such things as fun, exploratory sex and friends with benefits who now is married (younger than I pictured I would be when I was growing up, that's for sure!) and knows her younger self to be ignorant, deceived, and far too concerned with what a guy thinks and far less concerned about the true value of chastity? I can only recommend against your situation in the strongest and most loving terms. Where you are now, with your virtue and inexperience, is a beautiful gift. Bestow it on the right person, for the right reason, with love and commitment. Casual, fun sex is not casual for most hearts, and it isn't as fun as society or even our deceitful brains try to convince us it is. It's something so incredibly personal and transformative and far too precious to give away to a guy who sees a body, or an insecure, easy girl, rather than a woman to cherish and demonstrate the breadth of his love in the most permanent physical way he can.


If it sounds like I'm pleading I am - whether you believe in saving yourself for marriage or not, don't go into sex for anything less than what you deserve - pure intentions, abiding love, and commitment for the long haul.


And that's my peace, take care of yourself, sweetie!

BananaMontana
03-21-2012, 07:06 AM
If you're just doing this as a way to learn, I would say start with taking care of business yourself. Learn your body so you know what you like. If you want to learn how to give head or something like that....you can just ask the guy you're with what he likes. They are generally more than happy to tell you and help you along, so there's no need to rush into it with some random dude just for learning.

Now, if you are wanting to do this just because you want to and because you want some sexy times, that's cool too. Just go slow and don't do more than you're comfortable with. If he's seen you dressed, he probably has an idea what you'll look like naked so it's not like he will be shocked. He's clearly already attracted to you! Before you go into a FWB situation, be 1000% sure that's all you will want. Those types of relationships get sticky fast. They're a pain in the butt!

Don't feel like there needs to be an emotional attachment if you don't want one though, and don't feel like you have to save yourself for anybody either. You do what you are comfortable with, whether you don't go past kissing or you have casual sex. There's nothing wrong with having some fun if you want to as long as you're safe.

I don't know exactly what to tell you here or what your situation is, but feel free to PM me if you have questions and don't want to be judged. I'm pretty open minded.

nelie
03-21-2012, 09:29 AM
I do think some others bring up a good point. Herpes can be transmitted by fingers or by mouth/genitals as well.

I don't think a woman with many sexual partners is damaged goods but some people have sexual relations for the wrong reasons. I would definitely say don't worry about being inexperienced. I probably had sex later than most but it was because I wanted commitment. It is definitely fun to explore with someone you love and care about. I've had 2 partners total (my husband and a previous long term boyfriend). I'd be totally ok if I had only one and didn't feel like I was missing out. I also would be ok if I had more, as long as it was on my own terms.

yhahmd
03-21-2012, 02:35 PM
Well, this puts a whole new spin on things, and now I'm second guessing the entire situation. I'm just going to postpone things, I guess, even though now I feel like a *****/tease.

But you all talk about saving it for someone you care for--what if I end up developing feelings for him? What if he ends up developing feelings for me? I'm not going to wait until I'm married to have sex, I know that much, but how does that work exactly then? We could still break up. There's no guarentee, even if I do wait until I'm married, that we wont' break up.

I don't know, now I'm a little confused. It didn't seem like a big deal to begin with but now I'm not so sure. It's so hard to form my own opinions about things. :/

sacha
03-21-2012, 02:40 PM
Well, you'll get a lot of different opinions on that one. Some say you should be in love, others say married, some say just someone you 'care for'.

For me, it was my high school crush (I was 20, so it had been a few years crush). One night stand. Not a date. No regrets though? It didn't feel forced, more natural.

So, I'm a believer that one doesn't need to be in love (and I wasn't in love with any of them, except my husband years later). But, you will probably feel crappy after if it's not someone you at least care for. That's probably female biology because most men don't feel the same.

nelie
03-21-2012, 02:40 PM
Well you don't have to be married to love and care for someone. I never thought that I'd want to get married but committed, loving, monogamous relationships were important to me and a requirement for any sexual activity.

MiZTaCCen
03-21-2012, 03:00 PM
I don't know, now I'm a little confused. It didn't seem like a big deal to begin with but now I'm not so sure. It's so hard to form my own opinions about things. :/

So why don't you back off from the situation and figure things our for yourself. If YOU feel this is the right choice for you than by all means do it. If you can't be bothered to date people and see whats out there and lose it to someone who actually means something to you. Than do it.

You don't have to be married to have sex, don't have to be in love, you don't have to care for them or even like them to do it. You can just do it. But I wouldn't do something if you can't even have a strong stand point on it.

When I want something I'm head strong about it, I'll ask opinions but in the end it doesn't matter the opinions on what others have said because I still think my decision was right, because it's the right choice for me.

If you are second guessing your decision or your thought process on the whole situation, than it wasn't your choice to begin with. If this is something YOU really really want and YOU won't get up regretting it then do it. Everyone has their own beliefs in things, including you.

So if you feel its best to lose it to some dude (I'm not going on what ifs and what may happen in the future, I'm going on RIGHT NOW.) instead of being in a relationship with a guy you care about (again don't care about the what if you develop feelings blah blah blah)...than do it. but make sure it was your idea, make sure you are doing the right thing for YOU.

It doesn't matter what I have to say, it doesn't matter what anyone else says all that matters is it's right for you, and what you want. You'll figure it out.

BananaMontana
03-21-2012, 03:22 PM
You don't have to love, like, or even care about someone to have sex IMO. It can be a purely physical thing and thats fine. Ony you can really decide what you're comfortable with, if it not something that's a big deal for you, don't let others guilt trip you into feeling like you shouldn't do it.

If you aren't sure how you feel,though, then it is probably best to wait.

sontaikle
03-21-2012, 03:52 PM
Well, this puts a whole new spin on things, and now I'm second guessing the entire situation. I'm just going to postpone things, I guess, even though now I feel like a *****/tease.

But you all talk about saving it for someone you care for--what if I end up developing feelings for him? What if he ends up developing feelings for me? I'm not going to wait until I'm married to have sex, I know that much, but how does that work exactly then? We could still break up. There's no guarentee, even if I do wait until I'm married, that we wont' break up.

I don't know, now I'm a little confused. It didn't seem like a big deal to begin with but now I'm not so sure. It's so hard to form my own opinions about things. :/

You don't need to necessarily "save" yourself for someone; it depends on what YOU believe. I don't believe in waiting until marriage or until one is in a committed relationship, but others' believe differently and that's ok.

If you're not on board 100% just don't. It doesn't matter if you want a FWB situation or if you're waiting until you've gone out for a certain amount of time. Just make sure you're ready. Just don't use "I'm 22" as your primary reason.

I remember thinking "OMG I'm 18, I should just do this!" and while it wasn't sex, I regret it. I wasn't 100% sure and I still went ahead with it and wound up getting dumped because I refused to go the whole way.

It hurt, but I learned a valuable lesson that it doesn't matter how old I am, I will not do anything sexual until I'm 100% sure. Yes, that means I'm nearly 24 and still a virgin (although I'll be honest, it's more for lack of opportunity than readiness, I'm engaged after all), but I don't really care. I'm not lacking in any area of my life other than my finances because of the crappy economy :lol:

abbysue715
03-21-2012, 03:54 PM
I didn't wait until I was married and most of my encounters were fwb situations. What i can say is having sex with someone who you have real feelings for and you know that person has real feelings for you was the best sex I have had. I'm only 22 so I'm by no means old but I do wish that I wouldn't have had any of my fwb encounters. Once you have sex or just mess around with someone where the feelings are real and mutual it really is worth waiting for.

astrophe
03-21-2012, 04:09 PM
Well, this puts a whole new spin on things, and now I'm second guessing the entire situation. I'm just going to postpone things, I guess, even though now I feel like a *****/tease.

You aren't a tease for flirting, and stopping to THINK about your sex health and well being. Every adult should think!

If HE is saying that you are a tease just for being adult about it -- well, that tell you all you need to know about him, huh? Phooey to him!

But you all talk about saving it for someone you care for--what if I end up developing feelings for him? What if he ends up developing feelings for me? I'm not going to wait until I'm married to have sex, I know that much, but how does that work exactly then? We could still break up. There's no guarentee, even if I do wait until I'm married, that we wont' break up.

I didn't wait til marriage. All my sexual contacts were positive, fun, safe. And I'm married now and doing fine and don't regret a thing.

But all my partners stemmed from a place of respect. I didn't have to BE IN DEEP LOVE them. But I did have to be able to trust, and like them at least, and have talked to them and established boundaries and expectations we both agreed to.

I was not interested in stranger sex or irresponsible sex!

What bothered me in your original post is that you were worrying about your CLOTHES rather than worrying about your sex hygiene and the truth-i-ness of this guy. You didn't sound like you thought it all the way across.

What you wear isn't going to hurt you any -- dress, jeans, whatever. Being vulnerable to someone might.

If FWB is what you want, by all means. Had it myself and I'm not judging if you do or do not. That's your business.

But even in a FWB arrangement, you still have to proceed like an adult and have the sex talk, negotiate the boundaries. Before you take your brain off the hook and enjoy the body sensations -- take care of all your business.

You don't just go in BLIND. That is all.

I don't know, now I'm a little confused. It didn't seem like a big deal to begin with but now I'm not so sure. It's so hard to form my own opinions about things. :/

Confused about what? If you want a FWB arrangement, sit down and talk it out then. Approach it logically.

Swap the sex history -- partners, illnesses, date of last tests, etc.

Negotiate the terms. Is this a one time thing? Or a longer term FWB thing? When do you break up? When one of you finds another partner? Are you wired for Poly? What's the situation here? What emotions come into play? Will you have another talk to sort it out? Are you private about this FWB arrangement or public with it? Is he trustworthy with your body and well-being? He's not a nutjob who'd leave you for dead?

Decide the ALL BC. Because don't kid yourself. You might go in thinking it is fingering and just having gloves is fine, but if in the heat of the moment? Then what? Best to have condoms/BCP/whatever ELSE you decided you may need in place if other activities come on board. Don't expect HIM to take care of it all. Take care of your own business.

Better to have and not need than to need and be tempted to skip it and then end up in a bind. If this becomes a longer term thing you can negotiate who pays for what then. Each should pay half. Isn't that a fair expectation?

Where is this going to happen? And who are you going to tell? I used to leave that info on my fridge and with a friend as a single woman on my own. Because I want people to know where I went and who I was with if there's trouble. That's the reality of dating life today.

And that's the reason, even with a "less serious FWB relationship" to STILL be careful and have the talk and establish SOME kind of trust.

If you talk it out and come to agreement, and risks are low -- great, go ahead. If not and there's deal breakers or high risks -- don't go ahead. Plain and simple.

If the guy can't hack something so simple and responsible -- having the sex talk -- that tells you all you need to know. This person is NOT a good candidate for FWB type lover, serious BF type lover, husband type lover, nothing. He doesn't take his OWN sex health seriously, why would he care about YOURS?

I'd also wonder what kind of "friend" this is too. Sheesh.

FWB doesn't have to be a big deal, but that doesn't mean you don't take care of your business!

If the confusion is that YOU don't know what you are looking for yet or what kind of relationships that might cover on your dating card -- that's another thing. And you should take a time out to sort it since only you can answer that. What ARE you looking for right now? What are you comfortable with? What are you dealbreakers?


Only friendship?
Friendship with romantic possibilities?
Short term casual (few weeks/months?)
Long term serious (few years? Maybe marriage?)
Local only? Open to long distance relationship?
Open relationship? Closed relationship? Something else?


Spend some time with yourself sorting that out first. Then you will have better success in finding what it is you want right now. People aren't mind readers. If even YOU don't know what you want, how can they know? And if you don't even know what you are looking for, how can you find it?

If what you want is a FWB arrangement that is fine. Have a decent, responsible one with some thinking behind it then. If you want something else -- that's fine too.

But the bottom line is still the same. There is NOTHING new under the sun when it comes to humankind having sex.

But how YOU want to be having it is up to YOU, and you ought to give it some intentional thought. Don't just wing it. This is your health and well-being here.

HTH!
A.

MariaMaria
03-21-2012, 04:59 PM
if he's calling you a tease, he's manipulating you. You do not have any responsibility to be intimate with anyone, let alone with someone you don't much like.

Step back and make decisions based on what YOU want, not what he wants. He's thinking about his own self-interest, not yours. You need to do the same.

Kriket84
03-21-2012, 07:47 PM
If he ever calls you a tease run for the hills. That shows no respect. Its one thing for you to think it about yourself while you are trying to figure everything out. But its never ever ok for anyone, husband or FWB to pressure into sex. Ever.

mimsyborogoves
03-21-2012, 09:54 PM
I'm still involved with a FWB that I honestly need to get rid of because I know I'm attached and that's why I stick to him. He's a comfort zone, a security blanket, and an honest-to-God player. He never pressured me into having sex or anything; we just kind of started doing it. However, hindsight 20/20, I honestly wish I'd never even met him.

If you think you can handle being in a FWB relationship, then by all means, go for it, but honestly, I'd be very, very careful. One day you'll be having casual sex and then another day in the future you won't be able to get him to stop calling you for another rendezvous. Be careful, that's all I have to say.

yhahmd
03-21-2012, 09:57 PM
Don't have time to reply in full right now but just want to point out--I NEVER said he called me a ***** or a tease.

Porthardygurl
03-22-2012, 07:44 PM
Im reading this and thinking back to my own experiences of being fwb...and this is what i have learned:

1)Emotional attatchment for a women is inevidable, especially if its a friend you have been good friends with and like a lot

2)FWB means he can play with you..but it means he can play with lots of others..i kind of wonder if he hasnt already..is he..clean?

3) Do you really want to screw up a good friendship? Cause regardless of what people say..it will make it ackward and your never gonna forget it.

Just a few thoughts.

sheramama
03-23-2012, 12:11 AM
Do what you feel is right and go with the flow. Don't worry about how your thighs look, he won't care. I'm sure you look great.

There is nothing wrong with groping, kissing, fingering, etc. If you are attracted to him and know that this won't ruin the friendship by going farther, then do it. But, if you held onto your virginity for this long ,just give it a thought before you give it away. I agree with everyone and make sure he's tested. That is so important.

Just go out and have fun. You're young. Enjoy it :)

Skittlez
03-23-2012, 01:38 PM
No decent guy will ever think you not having experience is a bad thing. I personally waited because I couldn't see myself doing anything without an emotional attachment. My husband was my first and only, same for him. If you can have sex just to have sex and enjoy it, and he's clean, go for it. But make sure it's what YOU want to do. It's your life, and only you can decide what's right for you.

mascara blue
03-24-2012, 12:44 PM
This reminds me of this:

Reverend Boteright: You know, Rory, being a young lady comes with many gifts. Your virtue, for example, is a gift, a precious gift, possibly the most precious gift you possess.
Rory: Uh huh...
Reverend Boteright: You want to give this gift very carefully. It is a gift you can only give to one man. Once you give it, it's gone, you cant re-gift it. If you give it away too soon, to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you have no gift to give... you'll have to buy him a sweater. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Rory: No.
Reverend Boteright: Think long and hard about when and to whom you want to give the ultimate gift you have to give away.
Rory: Oh.
Reverend Boteright: Yes.
Rory: Oh dear...
Reverend Boteright: Oh dear indeed.
Rory: Um, well, listen, reverend, I really appreciate you taking the time out of what I assume is a busy day to come here and talk to me about... all of this, but I'm afraid the ultimate gift ship has sailed.
Reverend Boteright: What?
Rory: A while ago... it's probably in Fiji by now.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0588226/

-----------------------

I know its from gilmore girls, lol, but its true. Once you go down that path, once you "give that gift", there is never any going back. EVER. Make sure you are ready to go. And that you're "all packed up" if you know what I mean. A lot of times one thing, ie: fingering, leads to another... I'd want you to be prepared for.. another.

Good luck. :)

Haha good one!! I was thinking of exactly the same GG scene when i read her post on giving a "gift".

to the original poster - look he can tell what you look like with clothes on and he obviously finds you attractive. So find yourself attractive and relax and go as far as you are comfortable. Good luck!!

Earth Goddess
03-25-2012, 11:50 PM
I felt the same way when I first started doing the naughty. And 10 years later I am still a little uncomfortable with my body, but it gets better. And if a man is with you it means he doesnt care about a little chub lol. I would lay down rather than sit down, and I would first start with some teasing and forplay to get yourself loosened up and feelen good about yourself. Go on girl get you some. :carrot:

Trazey34
03-26-2012, 04:28 PM
I'm so curious to find out how this all played out! I'm so nosy!!! My opinion, for what it's worth, is to forget about it. The FWB thing never works out the way you think it will ( I have no experience with this personally, just have comforted a LOT of girlfriends who've been heartbroken). Besides, why waste messing around with someone you're not totally bonkers and hot for?? seems kinda boring without the crazy passion!

I'm one of those crazy late bloomers myself! I had zero experience when I met my hubby, but I was insane for him (still am!!) so the fireworks were amazing! I say wait til the right one, it'll be worth it!

Munchy
03-26-2012, 05:12 PM
I'm so curious to find out how this all played out! I'm so nosy!!!

Ha, I'm curious too! I didn't comment earlier, but I'm one of those women who does like the FWB situation because I don't like being in a relationship, but I still have a sexual appetite.
I find that many of my friends are absolutely not the same way. They do want a relationship and therefore get their feelings hurt when they ignore the "friends" part and think that the "benefits" make a relationship.

Until you know how you feel toward sex and dating, this is a situation you may want to avoid.

kirsteng
03-27-2012, 10:49 AM
Yup, I have to agree with many of the others.

*You're insecure about your body with this person. If you had stronger feelings for him, and him for you, you probably wouldn't. You'd know that the size of your thighs wouldn't make a lick of difference to him.

* You're worried that he'll perceive you as a tease now. People can change their minds, even at the very last minute, so certainly it's okay at this point. If there was mutual respect in this friendship, you wouldn't give it a thought.

* You're a virgin. You have probably had other opportunities to engage in this type of casual encounter in the past 5 years, and you haven't. Probably because that little voice inside you has been whispering that you want it to be special the first time. That probably hasn't changed.

Just my thoughts... my last bit of advice is to listen carefully to your own inner voice and you won't go wrong. You already know what you want to do. :hug:

krampus
03-27-2012, 01:56 PM
Ha, I'm curious too! I didn't comment earlier, but I'm one of those women who does like the FWB situation because I don't like being in a relationship, but I still have a sexual appetite.
I find that many of my friends are absolutely not the same way. They do want a relationship and therefore get their feelings hurt when they ignore the "friends" part and think that the "benefits" make a relationship.

Until you know how you feel toward sex and dating, this is a situation you may want to avoid.

This is very good advice. No point getting your feelings hurt and possibly besmirching your entire outlook on sex from a bad or anticlimactic experience.