General chatter - A very ranty rant about size preferences




TheBunneh
03-12-2012, 01:01 PM
Mkay, to throw it out there again, this is a RANT. And really has no point. :dizzy:

I was speaking with an acquaintance this morning and the subject of weight came up (we're both trying to lose some). And then that line "don't lose your curves" followed. Now, I personally have no intention of 'losing my curves', but I countered with the question what if I wanted to, shouldn't my body be about what I want? And he said that guys like curves not sticks, and I'm married so I need to think about what my husband wants too. :rolleyes: (Personally I think I was more aggravated by the assumption that I haven't thought about him or that all "normal" guys want the same thing.)

Anyway, this lead into a too long rant on my part about the fact that lots of guys like lots of different types of women (I've seen many guys that like cut athletic women, personally not my taste) but it's still MY body. I think it's just as unfair to expect a woman (or anyone) to be above a certain weight as it is to say an overweight women must lose in order to be thought of as sexually appealing. Of course there is a range of what is healthy, and there is too much of a push for women to be super thin. But I'm also seeing many women berated for wanting to be slender, or muscular, or athletic, etc (and men being berated for liking those attributes). I'm sometimes surprised at how free some people feel in their comments and judgments of others choices regarding their own body.

*Siiiiigh* Okay, done with my pointless and likely incoherent super vent. Off to continue folding laundry! :p


And as a side note any time I've asked my husband what he would think if I looked like x, y, or z he's responded with "Do you want to look like that? How would you feel? Would it make you happy?" etc, then gave his feelings about the general physique. :D


astrophe
03-12-2012, 01:16 PM
And he said that guys like curves not sticks, and I'm married so I need to think about what my husband wants too.

His panties were showing. ;)

Which is what I think when the comments from the person reveal more about their OWN beliefs/preferences than anything about mine.

Your friend prefers curves
Your friend expects his spouse (present or future) to conform to HIS tastes and get his approval/buy in/permission before changing anything about herself.


That's about it. His baggage.

A.

krampus
03-12-2012, 01:21 PM
Yeah, pretty much agree with astrophe. He's not going to be in your bed any time soon, it's not your job to conform to his preferences!

I think GOOD guys like their women to be HAPPY and CONFIDENT, and that can happen at all shapes and sizes!


TheBunneh
03-12-2012, 01:24 PM
Yes, I agree completely. I shouldn't have tried so hard to explain my view but it bothered me more because I have seen it other places. I've witnessed forum topics (not here) specifically posted for those who like muscular women and find it very beautiful. Then others chime in that it's unattractive and even gross for girls to lift and get "bulky."

I don't like built guys but I'm not going to say that guys who want to look like that are gross. :rolleyes:

CherryQuinn
03-12-2012, 01:25 PM
ive had friends say the same thing to me when i started losing, saying my common law man would leave me if i wasn't the fat woman he first met. What annoys me is them presuming my man is only with me cause he has a thing for fat girls. Does that mean id be forever alone if I hadn't found a man with a fat fetish? He doesn't have a fat fetish anyways but it feels like that are basically saying that. Hes dated women or all shapes and sizes. I get a lot of the 'well ive talked to men before and they like my belly and say they wouldnt sleep with skeletons like youre becoming'. It never occurs to them that these men are trying to boost their ego to get into their pants. These are the same guys that talk to me the next time around telling me they don't like girls with beer guts and prefer 'amazonian' women like me. Guys, just like girls, like what they like. Whether they like fat, chubby, skinny, average, or atheltic type girls. For me it depends on the guy. My bf said he doesn't care if im 350 or 120 as long as im healthy and dont die on him and leave him all alone.

astrophe
03-12-2012, 01:30 PM
Eh. People are attracted to whatever it is they are attracted to.

People also have varying social skills in HOW they express their preferences. It's enough to go "Ok, but not my thing" rather than get all "Ewwwwww!" with it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Yes, there are some shallow people who'd leave a relationship just based on looks. And there are others who DON'T base the relationship just on looks.

I met my spouse when he had hot pink hair! So what? What his "look" was like at 19 isn't his "look" for pushing 40! LOL.

What bugs me more is the assumption that the husband is just "the boss" and what he says goes just because he's "the husband."

But that's a whole other topic than "beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

A.

TheBunneh
03-12-2012, 01:36 PM
What bugs me more is the assumption that the husband is just "the boss" and what he says goes just because he's "the husband."

Hah. Yes. About the fourth time he brought up marriage as a reason to look a certain way I said "I'm married. Not enslaved." :p

Though, to be fair he also said that a women has a say in what her husband looks like. I suppose I understand that to a degree, like... if I wanted to go out and tattoo my entire body or something. :dizzy:

I guess it's the narrow view of "this = pretty and this = not" that has been bugging me for a while. I dislike that a lot of people lose weight mostly because they think it's unacceptable to be otherwise (including myself) just as much I dislike women being insulted for liking the muscle definition in their abs and arms.

bargoo
03-12-2012, 01:40 PM
. My bf said he doesn't care if im 350 or 120 as long as im healthy and dont die on him and leave him all alone.

I've never met your BF but I like him a lot.

Sum38
03-12-2012, 01:43 PM
I think GOOD guys like their women to be HAPPY and CONFIDENT, and that can happen at all shapes and sizes!

-----------

^^
This!

astrophe
03-12-2012, 01:46 PM
"The Quest for Human Beauty" (http://www.amazon.com/The-Quest-Human-Beauty-Illustrated/dp/0393040046/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331574048&sr=8-1) you may enjoy then.

And there's always the health and unhealthy approach. People are people. Not all of them are going to pick healthy things to be doing. Not just in their preferences for "beauty" but in what types of relationships they want to have and pick out for themselves.

A.

MiZTaCCen
03-12-2012, 01:51 PM
I think GOOD guys like their women to be HAPPY and CONFIDENT, and that can happen at all shapes and sizes!

:hug:

TheBunneh
03-12-2012, 02:01 PM
That book looks very interesting. I'm going to look for it at my library.

pixelllate
03-12-2012, 02:02 PM
GRRRR I know what you mean. Sometimes it feels as bad as family members who call me fat! I feel like the language used makes me feel like an animal being judged at a livestock compitition, hey let me adjust my size according to what certain men want!

XLMuffnTop
03-12-2012, 02:12 PM
My husband met me when I was smaller, but still overweight. Since that time, I've gone up with weight. Heh, understatement. Regardless of weight, women and men usually have their own hang ups. When I get to goal weight, I'll still have my other insecurities to deal with if I haven't already, like the road map of stretchmarks two pregnancies has left me with. When I've voiced this concern to my husband, about my stomach, he thinks they're a sign of two major accomplishments, my son and daughter.

My husband has a tummy which bothers him but I don't dictate what he does or doesn't do about it, just aid in whatever his choice is. I know he also is naturally attracted to women with more curves but what trumps that is being able to speak well, with wit and humor and not like I just stepped out of an MTV reality show.

People can go from skinny to fat, fat to skinny and everything in between. It's hard to change your personality, especially for another person. If I'm going to spent the rest of my life with someone, I want to be able to sit in the room with them every day for the next 50?, 60? years and not want to kill them. I'm sure that's what most of our nice, non-judgmental husbands, boyfriends, partners and significant others have figured out.

Arctic Mama
03-12-2012, 02:17 PM
Well I look at that from a different angle, knowing the people in my life who say such things. It is their way of supporting me in that they are expressing that they don't want me stressing, starving, or berating myself for some standard of beauty that might be unattainable for my body. When they say they like my curves or not to lose them, they're saying that I'm lovely as I am and not to feel an unnecessary need to go way beyond that because there's nothing wrong with the way I look right nowA,

So much of what we hear is the context and subtext WE project on and read into the comments of others. I have found that by intentionally choosing an edifying, positive spin to be put on everything said to me I am happier and healthier for it. So while I could take such comments as judgmental and that person's preferences, knowing that my friends and family love me very much makes my own interpretation of their support for my figure as less-than-model-thin seem a lot more sensible and I feel much better than if I took it the other way, you know?

Also, almost all the men in my life are straightforward when they speak. They don't waste words or consider empathetic ways of phrasing things, because they don't filter like I do (lots of engineers, scientists, and tech nerds in my circle). Knowing that they're trying to be supportive, even if it sounds clumsy or harsh to my ears, is really helpful context. If it sounds critical, it probably isn't! Most of the criticism I used to think I heard in the comments of others was really my own insecurities coming through and coloring my response to what I was hearing. Divorcing myself from that negativity allowed me to see that I had a lot more support, compliments, and appreciation for my hard work on my body than I thought and anything to the contrary was either noise or an affirmation that I was already beautiful to them.



And yes, I am an obnoxiously cheerful person. It's a good fault to have ;)

TheBunneh
03-12-2012, 02:29 PM
Arctic Mama - That is definitely a good outlook on comments like that. :) And I agree that pretty much all comments from friends and family are intended to be supportive. Which is why usually I bite my tongue and smile when people tell me "oh, but don't get too thin!"

I don't know why this comment made me so prickly (especially since I'm generally a very soft cuddly person, my nickname is bunny after all! :lol:). Most likely it's just because when I countered with the fact that maybe I personally want to look a certain way, the answer was I shouldn't because guys don't like it. As if any decision a person makes for their body should be about sex appeal.


I guess a building desire to let people do what they want to do with their own appearance came out this morning. I know that people are people and my desires won't change anything though. Hence: The pointlessness of such a ranty rant.

I'm not actually offended or angry... I think I'm just a little puzzled by the whole notion and the extent to which I have witnessed similar attitudes.

EagleRiverDee
03-12-2012, 02:41 PM
What men are attracted to differs, just as what we women are attracted to differs. Your friend is putting his personal bias out there as though that's what everyone wants. I would just ignore him and move on- it sounds like your husband wants YOU to be happy, and so whatever body type you are going for will make him happy because you will be happy.

astrophe
03-12-2012, 02:43 PM
Most likely it's just because when I countered with the fact that maybe I personally want to look a certain way, the answer was I shouldn't because guys don't like it. As if any decision a person makes for their body should be about sex appeal.

Well, it's his baggage. I'm glad you see it and will do whatever to please YOU.

But yah, it prickles when you get slapped with that sort of thing and it's a bit disappointing when you find it among your friends. In strangers it is a bit easier to write off with "whatever, dude" where in your own friends it's like "REALLY? You REALLY think that?"

And it's not just that your friend personally thinks it as their own personal preference. (Whatever it is.) Because that would be fine. We all have our own opinions and preferences.

But that this is the ONLY way to think or that EVERYONE should be thinking that same thing and if you don't somehow you are broken. That's something else.

He may not have come out and said "Bunneh you are just broken!" in so many words but I get the vibe that he implied it and you picked up on this and got annoyed.

So I don't think your rant or reaction was pointless. You told your friend where you stand on that issue. There.

It's fine to agree to disagree. It's not fine to assume everyone has the same worldview friend has though. Maybe he learned something.

A.

MusicalAstronaut
03-13-2012, 10:47 AM
Since I started dating again, I've been really nervous about being judged solely on my weight. But every guy has different preferences in women. Some of them don't really care if you're a stick or not. Sure, I know I have my physical preferences in men too, but I'd never tell a guy that he needs to hit the gym if he ever wants a girl to like him!