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MusicalAstronaut
03-11-2012, 10:49 PM
Hey Ladies (and any guys who happen to think this is an interesting topic)!

As some of you may know from the 20-somethings forum, I got broken up with about 2 1/2 months ago, by my bf of almost 2 years. After a few weeks of being very confused and upset, we talked for a week or two. I got the closure I needed and I feel ready to move on. However, I'm not the kind of person who hangs out in bars alone and I've been pretty unsuccessful with meeting people in that kind of situation, so I signed up for OkCupid to give online dating a shot. I've been on there for a week and been on a couple of dates already. I just would like some input from those of you who have tried online dating or are still using it. So!

-Did you like online dating? Did you meet your significant other that way?
-Is it okay to see multiple people at once? Maybe that's a dumb question but I feel strange going on a date with a guy on Thursday and then out with a different guy Friday. One guy already seems to like me a LOT, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I like him but we've only gone out twice. I need more time to know if I want to commit, but I don't want to lead him on or hurt him. Which leads to...
-How long did it take you to realize that you found someone you wanted to commit to?
-How did you dress for second/third/fourth dates? First date I did kind of casual, jeans and a nice top. Should I go fancier for the next date if we're going out to dinner, or should I do about the same?
-This is for the guys if one should stumble into this thread: How did you like girls dressing for dates? What's too casual/too dressed up?

These might all be dumb questions, but I wasn't a big dater before my ex, and then I spent 2 years with him. I don't really know how to do this! :dizzy: Any general advice would be much appreciated too!

Also, since I've gotten this from a couple of friends - I'm not trying to rush headlong back into a serious relationship to replace the one I lost. I do think that I will be most completely over him once I get a crush on someone else, and I would be happy if that led to something more. I realized that in the last few months of our relationship I wasn't happy, and it showed me what I really want in a partner.

So! That's the end of this really long post. If you made it this far, you deserve a cookie! :hug:


mollymeow
03-11-2012, 10:57 PM
Online dating can be awesome - I met my DH that way. :love:

-Did you like online dating? Did you meet your significant other that way? Yep!
-Is it okay to see multiple people at once?
Not a dumb question. I think this will depend on the vibe that you are getting. Commit when you're ready to. You don't necessarily need to tell everyone you're seeing more than one person - you'll be able to tell if it's time to have that conversation.
-How long did it take you to realize that you found someone you wanted to commit to?
After one date. Let me qualify that with the fact that out of all of the matches I had on eharmony, there was only one that I could even read the whole profile of without gagging. He was the one!
-How did you dress for second/third/fourth dates? First date I did kind of casual, jeans and a nice top. Should I go fancier for the next date if we're going out to dinner, or should I do about the same?
Just dress how you are comfortable, how you like to dress. Jeans and a top sound great! I'm sure if it's somewhere fancy, he'll let you know.
-This is for the guys if one should stumble into this thread: How did you like girls dressing for dates? What's too casual/too dressed up?
Not a guy, but my DH always says that men find women most attractive when it's obvious they are comfortable, regardless of what they are wearing.

Here's my general tips: Watch how he treats the waitress. That's how he'll treat you once he's comfortable with you. Also, try to drive him somewhere and you'll really see what his patience level is. Also, don't forget that men need specific instructions. They don't know that you hate action movies unless you tell them - don't count on them to pick that kind of stuff up.

Good luck on your dating endeavors! I'm sure the perfect match is out there for you. It's not too soon to see who's out there!

peachypeg
03-11-2012, 11:32 PM
-Did you like online dating? Did you meet your significant other that way? To be honest I did not like online dating but I did meet Mr. Right online. I live in a rural area and the guys around here are not.....ummmm.....advanced in mind, intelligence, or substance. -Is it okay to see multiple people at once? It is ok. Because they are doing it too. When you join any dating service, the point is to date not become exclusive with one person. However, I didn't go out several times a week, usually just on Friday or Saturday nights.
-How long did it take you to realize that you found someone you wanted to commit to? Nearly 9 months......BUT....I had started talking to him when I started going out. I just didn't think he was interested. He said he wanted me to learn who I was after a 20 year marriage had ended. Basically, he didn't want to be rebound guy. So we talked for 9 months before we ever met. (He lives in New Jersey and I live in Georgia) I am now planning on moving up there in just a few months.
-How did you dress for second/third/fourth dates? First date I did kind of casual, jeans and a nice top. Should I go fancier for the next date if we're going out to dinner, or should I do about the same? I think this will depend on where you go. First date may be to a fancy place and you want to dress nice. Second date may be a picnic so jeans would be better. Just let the situation dictate your attire.
-This is for the guys if one should stumble into this thread: How did you like girls dressing for dates? What's too casual/too dressed up? I think guys like nice.....and sexy LOL


My biggest problem with meeting men my age is that they too were married and only wanted to talk about how bad their ex's are/were. I got bored with that FAST. Not to mention they were out for one thing and one thing only. They really didn't want a companion just a "blank-buddy." One guy was a widower and kept comparing me to his late wife. I mean really??? Through all this.....my guy was right there, giving me support to learn that I can be independent and make a life for me and the two teens I had at home. I am not saying it can't be done.....it can.....it does.....but there are lots to weed through to get to a keeper.


erinrenae80
03-11-2012, 11:40 PM
I don't know any background about you like were you single before you starting dating your ex so I'm just kind of generalizing.

The best advice I give anyone (and I give all of my friends this advice) is if you haven't spent much time single, take some time for that. It is the best thing you can do for yourself. I didn't do that until I was 28 and holy moly I wish I had done it sooner. You've only been broken up 2 1/2 months. I know it may feel like you are ready to move on but you probably aren't. If you want to casually date just to meet new people, go for it. It is not the greatest idea to get into a serious relationship though. It took about 3 to 4 months for me to settle into being single. At that point it became so refreshing to not have to worry about anyone but myself (and my kids.) I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, with whoever I wanted. It was a great opportunity to take some time to take a good look at my life and decide what I wanted. I was able to figure out what I would put up with and what my deal breakers were. I honestly was happy for the first time. Now I know when I find the right person, I will be ready to let them be a part of my life. Not the other way around.

Did you like online dating? Did you meet your significant other that way?

I met an ex through online dating. Umm...all I can say is that I needed to beef up my screening process.

Is it okay to see multiple people at once?
At this point, go out with who you want. Until you have the committment talk with someone, each of you can see who you want.

How long did it take you to realize that you found someone you wanted to commit to?
There isn't a magical formula for this. You'll know when you know but don't rush into anything. There's something to be said for taking it slow.

How did you dress for second/third/fourth dates?
Wear what you are comfortable in. Don't try to hard. If a guy doesn't like how you dress when you are wearing what you like, you two probably aren't meant to be.

Huzzahforska
03-11-2012, 11:49 PM
-Did you like online dating? Did you meet your significant other that way? I did! I did some online dating for a while before I met him, though. I had actually just about given up on online dating when I met my, now, fiance on OKCupid.
-Is it okay to see multiple people at once? It is definitely okay. You shouldn't tell them about each other (unless they ask, there's no reason to lie) because sometimes that can make them feel like you're a player. Until you're ready to spend your time with just one guy, though, there's no reason to not see more than one person.
-How long did it take you to realize that you found someone you wanted to commit to? To be honest, I knew by the end of our first date. We had our second date the day after our first one and we've spent almost every day we've known each other together.
-How did you dress for second/third/fourth dates? You should wear whatever you're comfortable in. If you have something cute and comfortable then wear it.. I think I saw in the other thread that you were going to a sports bar, but might skip out early? Maybe a pair of jeans and a cute top with a cardigan and some cute shoes? Whatever you feel makes you feel the best is what you should wear!
-This is for the guys if one should stumble into this thread: How did you like girls dressing for dates? What's too casual/too dressed up? I have a LOT of guy friends and the general consensus is that they find you the most attractive when you FEEL comfortable and attractive.

Confidence is sexy, no matter what you're wearing!!

MusicalAstronaut
03-12-2012, 12:13 AM
erinrenae80, to answer your question, I was pretty much single my whole life before my ex, and I was happy that way. :) He was the opposite though, which I think contributed to our eventual break up. He was miserable being single, and he basically said when he broke up with me that now he's happy with who he is thanks to me, and he wants to be single. Gee, thanks. But yeah, I dated a tiny bit (never more than a month) because I never found a guy who I liked enough to keep dating until I met my ex. I believed in the "You need to love yourself to be loved" idea as well as "When you least expect it you'll meet the guy for you". It's weird, being single now, because I used to do everything alone and be happy that way, and now I've had to rediscover that part of myself again. I'm glad to know that it's still there!

Thanks for all of the answers ladies! It's definitely much appreciated. Huzzahforska, you're right about the sports bar & possibly skipping out early - that's Wednesday. I asked him out for that one instead of him asking me, but he did say yes...so hopefully he isn't just being polite, but is actually somewhat interested?

konfyoozed
03-12-2012, 01:21 AM
-Did you like online dating? Did you meet your significant other that way?

I met my significant other online, on OkCupid actually :) he's in that pretty lil picture there on the left! We've been together a total of 3 years now, we got married in May of 2011.

-Is it okay to see multiple people at once?

That is entirely up to you. I preferred the "one at a time" method, so did the guy that I ended up marrying. We started talking and he said something about possibly meeting, but didn't want to make any plans because he already had a date planned with someone else he'd been talking to. Totally raised my respect level for him - because he was honest about what he was doing. Luckily for me, they didn't work out.

-How long did it take you to realize that you found someone you wanted to commit to?

I realized within a few messages back and forth that I wanted to get to know him better, so we started talking via instant messenger, and it took about 4 weeks for us to meet in person. After that, it took about 3-4 dates to decide we wanted to make a go of it. I told my mom 3 months after we started dating that I was going to marry him, he just didn't know it yet.

-How did you dress for second/third/fourth dates? First date I did kind of casual, jeans and a nice top. Should I go fancier for the next date if we're going out to dinner, or should I do about the same?

I would say this really depends on where you are going. I tended to dress more casual because we went to sports bars (football season you know), or to a movie, or just for a drive. If dressing a little nicer than the situation might warrant (but not overboard like a prom dress to the movie theater :P) helps you feel more confident, definitely do it.

-This is for the guys if one should stumble into this thread: How did you like girls dressing for dates? What's too casual/too dressed up?

(For this I turned and asked my husband) He said "maybe go a step above the old jeans and tee shirt you would wear around the house. but don't dress too far above the occasion." - Yeah, he's got a way with words, but I also think he's trying not to offend me while I'm sitting here in sweat shorts ;)


I think my husband and I had it easy. We got along well, and conversation flowed naturally when we first started talking online, and it didn't take long for that to happen face to face. We've gone from seeing each other once a week, to him being 2 states away for school and only seeing each other for a few days every six weeks, to living together without much of a hitch in between.

Good luck to you! :)

peachypeg
03-12-2012, 08:59 AM
I am honestly thinking that online dating is the way most people meet now a days. Everyone I talk to will say they met online in some way. (Unless they have been together for 20 years or so)

fitness4life
03-12-2012, 09:36 AM
I like the advice of taking time to be single. It's important to get a guage on who you really are and the best way to do that is to spend a lot of time alone.

That doesn't mean you have to always be alone. When I got divorced, I spent the first two years going out with men, occassionally, telling them I'm not interested in a relationship, just a male friend to go to a movie, have a dinner, ride a bike, etc.

Turns out, that takes a heck of a lot of pressure off both parties and you both can relax and have more fun instead of strategizing every move.

I did meet some one special on line once. After a year, it was obvious that he was behaving in ways he calulated would be pleasing to me based on my profile. He was not himself. He couldn't cover 100% of the time and when I finally figured out who he really was, I totally could have kept going with him, but I felt deceived and never really got over that so I ended it with him.

The man I'm with I was friends with for about 18 months before we became a couple.

Getting to know him before entertaining a romance was the best. For us, anyway.

krampus
03-12-2012, 11:56 AM
-Did you like online dating? Did you meet your significant other that way?
I like the experience, but I didn't meet my dude that way. We met by chance at a bar and ended up hanging out and liking each other.
-Is it okay to see multiple people at once?
As long as he doesn't think he's the only guy in your life and you're upfront about it, sure! It's up to you though, if it feels weird there's no reason to push yourself to go out with multiple guys.
-How long did it take you to realize that you found someone you wanted to commit to?
For me it's been a gradual process every time, but I could usually tell by the fourth or fifth time we hung out.
-How did you dress for second/third/fourth dates? First date I did kind of casual, jeans and a nice top. Should I go fancier for the next date if we're going out to dinner, or should I do about the same?
It depends on what you do. I think it's a good idea to go on a REALLY CASUAL date with someone you're testing out, like hiking or burgers, just to make sure you like them and not just the activity you're doing together.

Anssett
03-12-2012, 12:01 PM
I don't know you and can't speak to whether you should be dating or should be single. I will, however, give my 2 cents about your questions. They're good questions, BTW. Thoughtful.

First, some general online dating advice. The more honest you can be about who you REALLY ARE as a person in your profile the better quality matches you'll get. If he has to be into NASCAR or go to a certain type of church or love Spanish poetry you need to say that. Everyone wants to be cute and adorable in their profiles but then everyone reads as cute and adorable with no good filtering available. To attract the guys who will actually like you, present you.

-Did you like online dating? Did you meet your significant other that way?

I met my ex-husband this way! We met on Craigslist (5-6 years ago when it was much less sketchy). He is a fantastic man and still my best friend but after a year of being married I realized he could never be the life partner I needed. Not Craigslist's fault.

-Is it okay to see multiple people at once?

Depends on your preferences and how serious you're getting with anyone. I went on LOTS of first dates but few second dates. Then it didn't matter so much to me.

-How long did it take you to realize that you found someone you wanted to commit to?

:-) Not long. A couple dates and I could see it coming.

-How did you dress for second/third/fourth dates? First date I did kind of casual, jeans and a nice top. Should I go fancier for the next date if we're going out to dinner, or should I do about the same?

Dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable. That could be smokin' hot or safe/casual. It's about how you feel.

Good luck. :-) Keep us posted.

MiZTaCCen
03-12-2012, 12:14 PM
Did you like online dating? Did you meet your significant other that way?
Personally I think dating websites are a joke, and I only go on them when I'm bored and feel like mingling. I don't ever think I'd find a Grade A guy off of a dating website because their mostly D-bags anyways.

-Is it okay to see multiple people at once? Maybe that's a dumb question but I feel strange going on a date with a guy on Thursday and then out with a different guy Friday.
I once had three dates in one day, of course it's okay to go on multiple dates. Sometimes the guys like me, sometimes I give them a second date depends on how bored I am. I don't go on how much a guy likes me though, I got on how much I connected with him and how much of a potiental if any I see in him.

-How long did it take you to realize that you found someone you wanted to commit to?The last D-Bag I dated off a dating website, we actually texted three months before even meeting. When we met things for the first month were great and I knew I wanted him...but given the fact I now just called him a D-bag clearly isn't the one for me.

How did you dress for second/third/fourth dates? Couldn't tell you they don't last long after a second date. LOL

PinkLotus
03-12-2012, 03:56 PM
-Did you like online dating? Did you meet your significant other that way? Yes, I met my husband online. We've been together 6 years, married for 2.5. I also met my ex before him online, we were together for a year. I wouldn't say I liked online dating, but it's a really good way to meet people. Just make sure you always meet in public places.

-Is it okay to see multiple people at once? Yes! As long as you haven't said you're "exclusive" or whatever with any of them, there's nothing wrong with it.

-How long did it take you to realize that you found someone you wanted to commit to? I wasn't very attracted to my husband at first, but I liked his personality so I kept seeing him. It wasn't until our 5th date that my feelings changed.

-How did you dress for second/third/fourth dates? Depends on what you are doing on the date. If you don't know beforehand where you're going, then do kind of a dressy casual, if that makes sense. Otherwise, just dress according to the plans. If you're going bowling, dress casually. If you're going to a fancy restaurant, then dress up.

Online dating is a great way to meet people. Just remember that there are a lot of weirdos out there, and a lot of people who misrepresent themselves. Just have an open mind!

lovemydoggiesx2
03-12-2012, 04:07 PM
I met my DH on Meetic. I think its way easier these days to meet someone online than in person!

Be comfortable, be yourself and have a great time!

astrophe
03-12-2012, 04:30 PM
-Did you like online dating? Did you meet your significant other that way?

One of mine, yes. But the one I married, no. Online dating can help you MEET people faster but it's a toss up after that and you actually are dating them and getting to know them if they're gonna be a runner or not.

-Is it okay to see multiple people at once?

Yes. This is DATING -- going out with many people to get to know them. Isn't that the point? :D

Nobody's talking about being "exclusive" or "going steady" or getting married here.

How long did it take you to realize that you found someone you wanted to commit to?

You put cart before horse. The main question is knowing when YOU are ready to be exclusive/committed. Sometimes when you date you just want to date. You do NOT want to settle down.

You want to spend time with different types of people, enjoy their company, work on your social skills, communication skills, conflict resolution skills, etc.

And since you broke up 2 mos ago, I wouldn't be in any real hurry for commitment. Just enjoy taking in the scene and dating many types of people and be single and have fun while you sharpen your relationship skills and good manners.

When I was dating one of my early questions was "So what are you looking for?" to make sure both me and dating partner were on the same page.

When I was just dating, I didn't want to be with anyone looking for marriage. Because I wasn't looking for that. One guy was looking for a wife, and I knew I wasn't ready to be a wife in general and I didn't want to be HIS wife then. So better for him to keep dating and look elsewhere and better for me to keep dating and look elsewhere too. No hard feelings, but we weren't on the same page.

And when I was looking to settle down, I didn't want to be with anyone not seeking that down the road. It was fine not to want it this MINUTE... but I wanted to know I wasn't wasting time here either if it was not ever on the table at all. YKWIM?

Just spend time talking and get to know your dates.

And the one I married? I dated him for a year. We went "exclusive" after that. I moved in with him after another year. We announced our engagement 2 yrs after that. We got married 2 years after THAT. We had our kid 6 years after THAT.

Everyone's time table is different. We were happy to take it slow and easy not just for ourselves, but because this way the families had pleeeeenty of time to get to know our intended, and we had time to finish school, get jobs, save money, etc.

-How did you dress for second/third/fourth dates?

I've been married a long time, hon. I have no idea, and I don't remember. I'm pretty sure it was activity appropriate -- casual for the movies. Active-wear for hiking or bowling or mini golf or whatever...

So that ought to tell you that it really isn't going to matter at ALL what you wore on dates later down the road! Just dress appropriate for the activity. :)

-This is for the guys if one should stumble into this thread: How did you like girls dressing for dates? What's too casual/too dressed up?

Every person is different and that is still NOT asking the one you want to know the opinion of! So just ask the guy you are dating direct. Hey! What do YOU find interesting? Not that you will do it just because he says so. Just to know for fun.

In hindsight? Most of the men I dated didn't care. I do remember one because he made me laugh. "I don't care. Wear whatever makes you happy. The only thing I don't like about some women is too much lipstick because that just tastes too weird when I kiss them! If they want to wear lipstick that's totally up to them too. I'm not saying they can't. But *I* don't have to like how it tastes. It tastes weird to me. Ever eaten some? It's waxy and very strange."

Relax and just take it one thing at a time. Keep your sense of humor.

A.

MedChick87
03-13-2012, 12:34 PM
All good questions! I've done online dating many times in the last 5 years or so and each time yielded different results. To answer your questions:

-Did you like online dating? Did you meet your significant other that way?

I think there are pros and cons to online dating. I found it was a great way to get introduced to a lot of people that you wouldn't have normally met. It's nice to have a lot of different guys that you can kind of pick and choose the ones that you think will match your values and interests. On the other hand, there's always the risk that they aren't being upfront and honest about themselves...but then it's always a possibility to come across that in "everyday life" so to speak. As for the second question, I met my current bf of 5 months on plentyoffish. I met the last guy I dated on the same site. You're going to find awesome guys and some crazy ones as well...but that's going to be the situation no matter where you meet someone.

-Is it okay to see multiple people at once?

I definitely think so, to a point obviously. Different people will feel comfortable with different things, but for me, I kept my options open until I was sure I wanted to pursue one particular guy. I think, if you're just casually dating, there's no reason not to hang out with other guys. No need to jump into anything. Just make sure you're honest about what's going on and that you and each guy you date are on the same page about the seriousness of things.

-How long did it take you to realize that you found someone you wanted to commit to?

It took me a couple of weeks to realize that my bf was the guy I wanted to be with. We took things slow, dated other people, and were really casual the first few weeks of dating. You will know if any one particular person is the right one to pursue, but I would suggest taking things as slow as possible. Especially having just left a long-term relationship. It was about a month into dating that my bf and I became "official".

-How did you dress for second/third/fourth dates? First date I did kind of casual, jeans and a nice top. Should I go fancier for the next date if we're going out to dinner, or should I do about the same?

Personally, I would just dress for the occasion. I don't think there's an increasing/decreasing level of dressiness or cuteness that goes with each date. If you're going to a fancier restaurant, maybe dress up a bit more. Our first date was at Starbucks, so obviously I went pretty casual. The next date was at a nicer restaurant, but I still just wore jeans and a cute top. Wear whatever makes you feel confident and is appropriate for the date.

Good luck with everything!

tessendicott
03-13-2012, 01:31 PM
Did you like online dating?
Yes and no. I had one horrible relationship come out of online dating. He was VERY abusive and it lasted a year and three months because I was young and naive. This last time though, I was very picky about who I talked to though.

Did you meet your significant other that way?
Yes, what's so funny is that he messaged me and I ignored him for a week, then he was persistent and messaged me again, so I responded and we ended up talking for hours every night for about a month. My plan was to only go on one date with him, but I went out with Mack and we've been together since. (A year and a half now) :D

-Is it okay to see multiple people at once?
That seems to be a personal preference. I wouldn't, but I know plenty of other people who would, just to see who they liked.


-How long did it take you to realize that you found someone you wanted to commit to?
Like I said, I only wanted to go on one date. Mack and I went to see Inception and then stayed in the parking lot talking until 3am.

djs06
03-13-2012, 01:47 PM
-Did you like online dating? Did you meet your significant other that way?

I think for the most part, online dating is great. I met my gf online four years ago (although I didn't set out to meet anyone, really, it was through a blog site). We were friends for a year and have been together for 3. When I was single I went on a few dates from dating sites (okcupid was one of them, and I thought that was probably the best one).


-Is it okay to see multiple people at once? Maybe that's a dumb question but I feel strange going on a date with a guy on Thursday and then out with a different guy Friday. One guy already seems to like me a LOT, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I like him but we've only gone out twice. I need more time to know if I want to commit, but I don't want to lead him on or hurt him. Which leads to...

It's absolutely okay to see multiple people at once. It's a date, not a marriage commitment. Until you both have a discussion about being exclusive and your relationship expectations, you are free to see whoever you want. That doesn't mean you have to go on a date at every possible free evening if that's not what you want. It's all up to you. (as an aside, it doesn't sound like you're into this guy. Go with your gut.)

-How long did it take you to realize that you found someone you wanted to commit to?

I'm not really sure what you mean by this question. Are you talking about while actively online dating? I guess my experiences with online dating have been rather limited and I didn't go on many dates. So my answer doesn't really apply- my gf and I committed after our first visit (she lived far away at the time).

-How did you dress for second/third/fourth dates? First date I did kind of casual, jeans and a nice top. Should I go fancier for the next date if we're going out to dinner, or should I do about the same?

Depends where you're going. I think the rule of thumb is to wear whatever you feel good in. I don't remember adjusting my wardrobe according to which date it was.

-This is for the guys if one should stumble into this thread: How did you like girls dressing for dates? What's too casual/too dressed up?

I'm not a guy, but since I date girls I can try to answer this anyway :). I think it really depends on what you're doing. Too casual would definitely be sweats etc. Too dressed up would be something you would wear to a wedding (unless you're going somewhere that would require you to dress up, of course... and I probably wouldn't think much of someone overdressing, actually). It doesn't matter much to me what my date wears as long as she doesn't look like she rolled out of bed or was trying to pick up someone at the club (I think some guys might go for the latter, though, lol)