Depression and Weight Issues Have you been diagnosed with depression, are possibly on depression medication, and find it affects your weight loss efforts? Post here for support!

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Old 03-09-2012, 07:53 PM   #1  
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Default Living Nightmare

Why am I unable to focus? My inability to be alone has been a constant source of pain for over half a year now. I made another thread about it (http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/depr...ly-lonely.html) and even though I had resolved to straighten up, I've failed.

I've sort of been on something of a crash course since my ex cheated on me in June and we broke up. My "wild period" has been fairly tame compared to that of other people's but it's left me wondering who I am.

I just found out that one of the two guys who I am interested in apparently has a girlfriend. He didn't have one Valentine's Day, there's no mention of his relationship status on Facebook, no pictures of her, nothing. I only just heard of her today at the last moment as he was logging offline to supposedly go pick her up from work. I've been wondering if there was a miscommunication somewhere but I can't figure it out. I'm wondering if something I said gave him the wrong impression but how could I ever know?

The other guy who I have been taken with for months was just dumped by his girlfriend.* You'd think this would make me happy as I sort of, in a way, have an opening. But I'm not. He's decently nice I suppose but it finally struck me last night - he doesn't give a damn about me. Here I am chasing him, constantly available for him, even trying to cheer him up after his breakup but I could die tomorrow and he wouldn't notice. The last thing I said to him was "you make me do all the work ". He asked what I meant but I didn't bother answering. Months from now, he won't even check in to see if I'm still alive.

Before, Depression took the form of seclusion. I had literally no friends offline. I didn't go anywhere for months at a time unless forced. But now the pain of being alone permeates everything. I'm about to graduate, my GPA is a 3.5, I just finished another good quarter of classes with two A's and two B's...but all I can think of is graduating and then going to work and coming home to an entirely empty house. Before, that was my dream, I wanted to be alone. Now it's my nightmare.

I don't tell my family I feel this way. They don't know what I'm feeling. None of my friends know. I keep it to myself until I burst and let off steam in a blog or an internet post. It's amazing to think that my parents are in the living room right now laughing and I'm sitting in my room crying. They have no clue and even if they did, they wouldn't know how to help.

What do I do? How do I fill this hole? How can I focus on myself? Fill my time better? Stop moping?


*Added for clarification: When we met he was single. He got back together with his girlfriend after that and then she dumped him again. This has happened a number of times. Counting the split before we met, she's dumped him at least 4 times now. I've just kinda been hanging around in the background stupidly hoping I'll get a chance one day. But last night I guess I cracked and decided it wasn't worth it anymore.

Last edited by Nadya; 03-10-2012 at 02:28 AM.
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Old 03-09-2012, 07:58 PM   #2  
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that is definitely stress.

i'm totally not a shrink but having been the route, sounds to me like you're looking for someone to validate your existence - to meaning to your existence.

that's a serious problem.

the other thing it could be is that you are depressed for clinical reasons (such as a serotonin imbalance) and it is manifesting in searches for love in all the wrong places.

you, my friend, need to see a counsellor and quickly.

stop worrying about finding a mate for now - look at it this way: if YOU aren't happy living with you, why would anybody else be? you don't need to fill the hole - you need to fix it and for that, your best bet is a professionally trained guide.
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Old 03-09-2012, 08:03 PM   #3  
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I have access to counseling on campus but I graduate in May. Would it be worth it to see someone a few times before then? And then hopefully transfer to someone else if I can afford it?
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Old 03-09-2012, 08:12 PM   #4  
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definitely.

it might not even be "depression", per se; the depression could be the result of something else. for example, my bff suffered anxiety while driving for the past few years. it was so bad she would have to pull off to the side of the road and get out of the car until the dizziness and chest flutters went away. she just recently discovered that she needs glasses - not only that, but she needed progressive bifocals. she got her glasses and she has absolutely no problem driving now.

a professional will be able to give you an assessment and rule out any biological causes and then determine the best course of treatment. (do NOT stick with someone who's whipping out a prescription pad from the get-go!)

ps: i really like your ticker.

Last edited by threenorns; 03-09-2012 at 08:15 PM.
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Old 03-09-2012, 08:33 PM   #5  
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Mkay, I'll schedule something when I return to school for sure.

And thanks.
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Old 03-10-2012, 12:21 AM   #6  
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Darling, don't let the men in your life determine how important/beautiful you are. And being single for a while is good! You won't have a whiny mama's boy holding you down
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Old 03-10-2012, 01:21 AM   #7  
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It sounds like maybe you got friend-zoned? First thing I noticed is that you were "talking" to a guy who was already in a relationship-very bad sign... they are usually snakes. As for the one who acquired a girlfriend somewhat secretly, it sounds like he was playing the field and made his decision. Trust me, I was you once. I know that horrible gut wrenching feeling of longing for companionship and I can tell you that is it because you are missing something within yourself, trying to fill a void the shape of a circle with something the shape of a square. You have time on your hands, use it wisely and seek some therapy. I know all too well what filling voids like that end up... I got myself into some horrible relationships because I lowered my standards only because I wanted someone so badly and I CLUNG to them no matter how awful they turned out to be. I think therapy will help your self esteem and comfort level with being alone. You will not be alone forever just because you are alone now, you may end up with someone awesome if you take the time to realize what is going on with YOU. Figure YOURSELF out. It will be ok, *hugs*
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Old 03-10-2012, 02:00 AM   #8  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TiffNeedsChange View Post
First thing I noticed is that you were "talking" to a guy who was already in a relationship-very bad sign... they are usually snakes.
Well, in all fairness he was single when we met. Then he wasn't. Then he was. He's been dumped about 3 or 4 times since we met. It sounds like his girlfriend/ex/whatever has a guy on the side and he just keeps taking it. Meanwhile, I'm being the reliable idiot in the background quietly saying to herself, "I'd never do that to you..." I cut that off though, like I said, I haven't said anything to him since last night and I didn't even feel tempted to message him today.

Thank you for the rest of your advice, you're right, I've been going it alone long enough, I need some counseling to figure this out before I get into trouble. =/
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Old 03-10-2012, 03:06 AM   #9  
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Guys like that really yank my chain.. you're a smart girl -good move!! I wish you the best
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Old 03-10-2012, 11:18 AM   #10  
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it's small consolation, but the more intelligent you are, the more likely you are to get sucked in by emotional vampires and other abusive types.

women who have an average IQ at best are more likely to say "pfft - wutEV" and move on. women with a higher IQ are more likely to figure every problem has a solution, they just haven't found it yet and keep hammering away fixing loose planks long after they should've burned the barn down.
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Old 03-11-2012, 09:15 PM   #11  
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Definitely take advantage of the student clinic for the next few months. Depending on how it works at your school, you may be able to see someone weekly -- that would be 10+ appointments, enough for a great start.

((Hugs))
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:14 PM   #12  
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Oh boy... I agree with TiffNeedsChange--do NOT waste your time on a guy who spends a lot of time chatting up girls online while being mysteriously close-mouthed about his current girlfriend. I made the mistake of falling in love with a guy like that in college. He went through girlfriend after girlfriend, but still kept talking to me online. I don't mean a standard 10-min chat. I mean hours and hours, every night. And I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one, either. It should have been a warning sign to me, but I was stupid and let myself fall anyway. Well, we dated briefly, then he left the state for a job offer. I stupidly thought I could keep IM-ing him, as friends-only, since I had a boyfriend and he vaguely mentioned that he'd gotten a girlfriend after he moved. The weird thing was, he wouldn't even mention her name until like 5 months into dating her, even though I talked about my boyfriend freely. I'm pretty sure he was still talking to other girls while he was dating her for a long, long time. It probably didn't stop after I cut contact with him. (He started saying mean things about my upcoming marriage to said boyfriend, which was very hurtful coming from someone I thought was at least my friend.)

The point, Nadya, is, that if all he wants to do is talk to you online, not hang out, not go on dates--he is not interested in you. He's using you for no-strings-attached companionship, which is fine in most cases but not when you're interested in more. You are probably not the only girl he is talking to, either. Guys like him are insecure, and want to keep you in their pocket in case they need a rebound. Remember, if a guy is willing to cheat--even just emotionally--on his current girlfriend, he is probably going to cheat on you if you ever get together. I'm not trying to say your feelings aren't real--I understand that, believe me, and know how painful it is. But wasting your feelings on a guy like this is just that--a waste. You deserve better. It doesn't matter if you're fat, thin, a ferret, whatever--you are a woman with a lot of love to give and you deserve to be loved.

Also, while it is true you should not jump into a relationship while you've got severe questions about yourself and who you are, your being in love with the wrong guy does not mean you're trying to fill a hole in your self-esteem. Some people are just more pair-bonding-oriented than others, in much the same way some women have a stronger yearning to become mothers than others. You want a loving, lasting relationship. Who doesn't? There's nothing wrong with that, or with you. See a counselor to tackle the feelings of despair, but don't kick yourself for wanting a good guy and going for the wrong guy because right now there aren't any good guys available in your social circle. We all do this at some point, unless we're lucky enough to marry our first love.
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Old 03-12-2012, 02:37 PM   #13  
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You seem very focused on wanting the security/companionship of a guy, and to me that's concerning. To be truly happy, people need first to learn how to be happy and have a fulfilling life as a single person. When you're happy and secure, you're more likely to draw another happy and secure person to you and less likely to be dependent on the other person for your happiness. Maybe try focusing more on yourself and developing hobbies and interests that keep you busy and fulfilled.

As to the guy who is single/not single/single again...I think if he were truly interested in you he'd be with you. Don't be his fallback girl. Wait for a guy who makes you his ONLY girl. You deserve no less.
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Old 03-12-2012, 10:24 PM   #14  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by threenorns View Post
women with a higher IQ are more likely to figure every problem has a solution, they just haven't found it yet and keep hammering away fixing loose planks long after they should've burned the barn down.
That's me, I'm the "let's fix this" type. =/

Quote:
Originally Posted by NyxWriter View Post
Also, while it is true you should not jump into a relationship while you've got severe questions about yourself and who you are, your being in love with the wrong guy does not mean you're trying to fill a hole in your self-esteem. Some people are just more pair-bonding-oriented than others, in much the same way some women have a stronger yearning to become mothers than others. You want a loving, lasting relationship. Who doesn't? There's nothing wrong with that, or with you. See a counselor to tackle the feelings of despair, but don't kick yourself for wanting a good guy and going for the wrong guy because right now there aren't any good guys available in your social circle. We all do this at some point, unless we're lucky enough to marry our first love.
Thanks for this, really. I've been told that it's an issue with my self-esteem but I don't actually rush into relationships. I've had other options but this guy just sparked something in me that hasn't been snuffed out yet half a year later. I feel so much affection towards him that it's hard to not want to hug him and hold him. It just kills me when he's nearby, trying to hold myself back. It's almost painful at times, like I'm going to burst.

I don't think he's using me, he's not a malicious person. I have a number of thoughts about him, his motives, and his situation but I'll spare you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EagleRiverDee View Post
You seem very focused on wanting the security/companionship of a guy, and to me that's concerning. To be truly happy, people need first to learn how to be happy and have a fulfilling life as a single person. When you're happy and secure, you're more likely to draw another happy and secure person to you and less likely to be dependent on the other person for your happiness. Maybe try focusing more on yourself and developing hobbies and interests that keep you busy and fulfilled.
I'm not sure I agree. I'm not sure I disagree, either. =/ I don't feel like I need security, I just have this overwhelming desire for contact with another person. I want to be close, to hug, to hold, to kiss, everything. I try to focus on other things and I can until things slow down and then I'm like well now it would be nice to have someone to cuddle… *sad face* I don't understand that drive in me though.

Quote:
As to the guy who is single/not single/single again...I think if he were truly interested in you he'd be with you. Don't be his fallback girl. Wait for a guy who makes you his ONLY girl. You deserve no less.
Thanks, you're right. I don't think he realizes I'm his fallback, I don't think he realizes a number of things, but it's only enough that I get it.
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Old 03-13-2012, 02:52 PM   #15  
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So your life sounds A LOT like mine. A LOT. I constantly end up in the friend zone. My guy friends always tell me that "I'm such a great girl"...but they are never interested in me.

So what I do - I overanalyze my whole situation and try to figure out why these guys never like me. I talk the topic to death, and I think its at a level now where its driving people away from me, because they feel that I've exhausted the topic of "why grneyedmustang can't find a man" to DEATH.

Well, I have been taught all of my life that if there is a problem that you can fix -- you analyze it - and fix it!

Well I'm reading this book, and it's definitely giving me a lot of insight into my behaviors...

http://www.amazon.com/Eating-Drinkin...1664579&sr=8-1

Not saying it's the end all be all and that it's going to fix the issues instantly, but it may help.

Just know that you're not alone, here's a . And if you ever need an understanding shoulder, PM me sometime!

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