100 lb. Club - What's Your Payoff for Being Overweight?




SmallSteps
03-06-2012, 11:09 PM
I have been overweight most of my adult life. I have been using my weight as a suit of armor to protect myself. I have suffered through every form of abuse possible in my life and my weight was a way of protection. I have been "living better" for the past year and have lost 45 pounds to date. Some days are still a struggle but I am learning there are other ways to protect yourself and also learning with the help of my DH that not all relationships are violent ones.


kmac1196
03-07-2012, 06:27 AM
Hmmm....good question. I'm not sure if knowing the answer or not having a payoff is better. After mulling it over a bit, maybe, it's safe for me. I've always been a serious person (was a serious kid). Now I was never overweight until adult (although as a teen I felt it ...don't we all). For example...at dances I would stay in the corner and say, I don't dance (slow dance I did). And I would see otheres having fun and wonder why I coulnd't put aside my insecurities (I'd look stupid dancing) and just have fun. I started to come out of myself in my early 20's but then kids and I'm serious because I'm the mom. And my husband is the fun one! LOL My family just went skiing. I didn't. Part of me said I was saving money just being there for support (that's not the reason). Part of me said I was afraid I was going to break something and I have to work (I'm a housecleaner with my own business)...but I don't think that's it either...I iceskate damn fine and I think I would be super on skiis. Part of me said I was helping everyone else with mittens, gloves, bathroom, etc...but most of me said.....everyone would say, who is that fat person on skiis...she doesn't belong here. And then If I was thin...I would think they were looking at me saying...who does she think she is?? LOL!!!! Lots of stuff to muck through today...thanks for bringing it up...I think!

carter
03-07-2012, 07:14 AM
Mine was that I got to eat mindlessly, whatever sounded good at any particular time, without having to think or plan or discipline or forego anything. I also invested very little time in meal planning or preparation (except as occasional recreational cooking), nor in exercise, and that gave me a lot more time to spend on other leisure activities than I have now.

I didn't use my fat as armor or get any psychological benefits from it that I am aware of. But I did get to enjoy a level of unrestrained hedonism that is now off-limits to me as I am constantly mindful and disciplined about my food choices, and have had to cut way back on some of my hobbies in order to make time to cook and exercise.

It's been difficult to shift my life and priorities that way - it's taken two and a half years and I am still a work in progress. But, it's been worth it, too.


rachaelm
03-07-2012, 08:50 AM
Mine was that I got to eat mindlessly, whatever sounded good at any particular time, without having to think or plan or discipline or forego anything. I also invested very little time in meal planning or preparation (except as occasional recreational cooking), nor in exercise, and that gave me a lot more time to spend on other leisure activities than I have now.

I didn't use my fat as armor or get any psychological benefits from it that I am aware of. But I did get to enjoy a level of unrestrained hedonism that is now off-limits to me as I am constantly mindful and disciplined about my food choices, and have had to cut way back on some of my hobbies in order to make time to cook and exercise.

It's been difficult to shift my life and priorities that way - it's taken two and a half years and I am still a work in progress. But, it's been worth it, too.

Wow, this is almost exactly what I was going to post on this thread. I love good food. I denied myself nothing. And it showed. Now, don't get me wrong, I calorie count precisely so I can choose to eat anything I want, but hey, a single serving size of something yummy is just as enjoyable as two heaping helpings. ;)

PrettyMom09
03-07-2012, 10:32 AM
Carter and Rachelm - I did the exact thing you guys did. I let myself eat and do everything else I wanted to do except exercise. I'm not really sure why I did it. I keep trying to come up with reasons for it, but I don't think I have any good reasons other than just refusing to be disciplined.

astrophe
03-07-2012, 11:15 AM
Um... I like living in my head more? Neglecting body gave me time for that?

I do ok in keeping up with mental health and emotional health across my life. I've enjoyed my time as a student and enjoy mental challenges now that I'm not in academics. I've had good friends, family, and romantic relationships so my emotion end of things is fine. I can handle conflict, express my feelings, etc.

But I was floundering a bit on spiritual health in my teens/20's.

And I neglected body health because I'm not a keen sportswoman or anything... I didn't have the natural talent there that would lead me to enjoy it and didn't esp develop the skills to offset lack of natural talent. I have no especial kinesthetic intelligence.

In my late 20's I decided I better start looking at me as a WHOLE well balanced person and how to best achieve it. That meant giving up some mental stimulus to spend more time pumping up spirit and body buckets.

Kinda like... ok braniac... Books and papers are fun to read, but lay off some there on the mental bucket so you can ALSO do other things for you in your other areas going lacking! Your brain and heart are strong but your soul and body are wimpy! You are lopsided!

A.

Elladorine
03-07-2012, 12:46 PM
Being invisible. Not attracting men (that was so scary when I was younger, as I was abused when I was a child). Getting to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Hey, who wants to take a midnight run to Taco Bell? :dizzy:

Several years back I found a plan I could stick with and started exercising, and lost weight like crazy. But then the guys started to notice me. I couldn't handle the attention at my lowest adult weight and went right back to eating my emotions.

Things are different now. Happily married and out of a previously abusive relationship, but currently dealing with a different set of anxieties. I have to plow through the mental block of getting below 250 pounds. Doing my best to eat better so I can feel better, and not to rely on junk food to satisfy my emotions.

I think I may be able to handle being visible for the first time in my life. We'll see what happens in the coming months. :D

Trazey34
03-07-2012, 01:10 PM
I grew up a bit spoiled and indulged, and that carried into my adult life. I was never abused or had anything bad happen to me, ever. I didn't use fat as an insulator (ha) or a guard, I was fully IN and OF the world, never hid from it or people. I was happy, loud, silly, gregarious and confident (and not the sad fat-girl fake confident). I had (and still do!!) a man that was crazy about me, no matter what size. I slowly realized the spoiled brat 5 year old in me who wanted cake NOW and had it was ruling me. I spanked her a$$ into submission and took control.

I felt I'd been blessed in this life, with far more than I deserve, so it was time to live up to it all and give my husband someone who would be around to grow old with him and not die or become a burden to him.

Life's still the same, I'm still happy and very very silly, I can just move a lot faster now :D

sevencallmemom
03-07-2012, 05:21 PM
I was just coming here to post about realizing the reason behind a 2 day full on binge this week (Monday and Tuesday) was about a creepy man looking me up and down on Sunday. I didn't even realize why I had done it till I finally remembered to tell my DH about the creeper late last night and then it just HIT me...I'd been stuffing my face to protect myself from his look just like I had been doing since I was first abused as a child.

Nibbles
03-07-2012, 06:33 PM
Kind of like carter and rachaelm.

I love food. I love to cook. I love to eat. I feel like a lot of people have this mental image of others getting fat by mindlessly scarfing down McDonald's cheeseburgers or eating boxes of Chips-Ahoy. No thank you. I turned myself into a butterball with gourmet pasta dishes and Southern home cooking and exotic ice cream flavors. My payoff for being overweight was not having to worry about whether the fresh fettuccine alfredo I was making myself for lunch had 200 calories or 2,000.

Now that I'm serious about dieting, I've had to really change the way I relate to food.

MrsTee
03-09-2012, 01:53 AM
I Love to cook and eat too, and I put great store in being a well read and clever person, but mostly I think as a fat person, I don't have to compete in the woman world. Don't have a good hair cut, wear makeup, or be fashionable, or hey not even well dressed, as everyone knows fat people are lazy.......( in other words no expectations on me, no chance of failing to meet them)

I've been comfortable in my own world rather outside that other world??? But no any more!!! I'm buying shoes and clothes, looking at myself in the mirror more, and far more importantly standing up for myself more. Being counted in other words! Not being afraid to confront people - as now I am not so scared or getting you are a useless fat person what would you know looks and sniggers.....
You know I think fat is the minority it is still politically correct to make public mockery of?

threenorns
03-09-2012, 07:19 AM
my payoff is the same: protection.

when i'm big:

men know my eyes are always changing colour (they're grey but they never look the same colour and often each side is a different colour) and not a B cup.

if i say "no!", i have the heft to back it up.

i don't get date-raped or roofie'd - that sort of thing only happens when i'm slim (which is how i ended up gaining back the 100lbs twice before).

ppl i thought were my friends don't accuse me of trying to steal their husbands.

boyfriends don't accuse me of hitting on their teenaged sons.

nobody minds much if i look a little wierd (ie, walking the dog in my pajamas) because big ppl are allowed their little eccentricities.

nobody comments if i say i don't socialize - which i don't, having asperger's syndrome.

and i don't have to go into what asperger's syndrome is and then listen to the inevitable "helpful" lecture on how i can be perfectly normal if i do "this", "that", or sign up for "the other" course available through some religious institute or other.

i like being big.

i don't like being small.

but i also don't want to be the grey-haired frump sitting in the scooter and covered in cat hair that my 5yr old daughter has to introduce around her high school as her mother, not her grandmother, and i REALLY don't want an artificial hip or a coffin which is what's going to happen if i don't shed the weight.

InsideMe
03-09-2012, 09:41 AM
That was my reason too hun. My fat was my suit of armour and from my fear of men. I experienced childhood trauma and it's effected every aspect of my life, but I have come to a place that I won't let it control me anymore :) I didn't feel good enough about myself to even care to try....but through counselling, medication and constantly working on me I realized that I do want better in every way possible, including a healthy lifestyle :) :hug:

susiemartin
03-10-2012, 11:44 AM
Mine was that I got to eat mindlessly, whatever sounded good at any particular time, without having to think or plan or discipline or forego anything. I also invested very little time in meal planning or preparation (except as occasional recreational cooking), nor in exercise, and that gave me a lot more time to spend on other leisure activities than I have now.

I didn't use my fat as armor or get any psychological benefits from it that I am aware of. But I did get to enjoy a level of unrestrained hedonism that is now off-limits to me as I am constantly mindful and disciplined about my food choices, and have had to cut way back on some of my hobbies in order to make time to cook and exercise.

It's been difficult to shift my life and priorities that way - it's taken two and a half years and I am still a work in progress. But, it's been worth it, too.
Yep. Couldn't have said it better ;)

threenorns
03-10-2012, 11:57 AM
re your sig and lifting weight

i LOOOOOVE lifting weights - esp powerlifting.

talk about an ego kick when i'm at the gym casually benching 100lbs for a warmup then moving on to my first working set of 135, lol. it makes the men around me work a little harder, that's for sure.

Huzzahforska
03-11-2012, 04:06 PM
invisibility was my pay off. I was thin when I was younger and I was social and gregarious and excitable and I was really involved in the local music scene.. but then a few things happened in my life that made me want to sink into the background. A lot of my friends got married and moved away or left for school or jobs. I realized that being a social butterfly was exhausting and I started gaining weight and liked that people stopped bothering me and expecting me to be the center of attention. I was, kind of, afraid to make new friends and meet new people.. and once I started gaining weight I was told "You're not very pretty, but it's okay- punks are supposed to be ugly" and I guess I didn't realize how much that got to me until recently.

Having just moved to a new state with my fiance I've been really itching for new friends so we can have people to hang out with and go out sometimes... and I sorta miss being social now. Hopefully with the confidence I've been gaining because of the weight I've been losing I'll be able to make some new friends, and maybe get involved in the music scene down here.

Laura78
03-11-2012, 04:43 PM
I've often thought about this and I don't know the answer for sure.

What I find funny is that I am such an organized Type A personality. I planned my life exactly as I had wanted it and so far it is going exactly to plan. Married to a great guy (check), gave birth to a girl and a boy (check), great job (check), great church/spiritual life (check), dream house (check)......so I just could never figure out what kept me from losing this weight!

Sometimes I wonder if deep down I feel guilty about having so many blessings and so I "punish" myself by eating.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I have all of the above PLUS a fit body. It is more blessing than one person can handle I think!

threenorns
03-11-2012, 05:07 PM
"You're not very pretty, but it's okay- punks are supposed to be ugly"

well, THAT is news to me!

punks are not supposed to be "ugly" - extreme, yes, that's what punk is all about, but not "ugly". unless, of course, they ARE ugly in which case they are to celebrate it, not try to be something they're not.

i was a punk of the Old Skool variety - mosh pits, way-back-combed hair, shredded tights, black harley tees with the sleeves cut off and the armholes down to the waist, ammo belt, chains, blue and black makeup (eyeshadow, blush, AND lipstick), genuine doc martens (the fakes got their feet stepped on - the ones we wore were steel-toed, lol) etc. we always looked good - just different - and being big or small wasn't a factor except the big gals could carry a whole lot more hardware than i could.

Huzzahforska
03-11-2012, 08:16 PM
well, THAT is news to me!

punks are not supposed to be "ugly" - extreme, yes, that's what punk is all about, but not "ugly". unless, of course, they ARE ugly in which case they are to celebrate it, not try to be something they're not.

i was a punk of the Old Skool variety - mosh pits, way-back-combed hair, shredded tights, black harley tees with the sleeves cut off and the armholes down to the waist, ammo belt, chains, blue and black makeup (eyeshadow, blush, AND lipstick), genuine doc martens (the fakes got their feet stepped on - the ones we wore were steel-toed, lol) etc. we always looked good - just different - and being big or small wasn't a factor except the big gals could carry a whole lot more hardware than i could.

It was news to me, too! I never thought of myself as ugly before then (I remember that this particular comment came my way soon after the "bros" and frat boys decided punk rock was a good excuse to get into a pit just to beat people up- shortly before the integrity of a good punk show was nothing more than a memory).. admittedly I was extreme but I always felt, like you said, I looked good, even if it was different.. mosh pits, dark make up, torn up clothes, mohawk, piercings (I still have my septum ring, it's my favorite of all the piercings I had and I don't want to get rid of it just yet), tattoos, steel toed boots, brass knuckles.. crude humor.. yep. I mean, I still have my days when I it all comes back but I've mellowed out a lot. I'm not any different as a person, I just don't look it much anymore. Ever since I was a little kid I thought punk rock girls were super pretty.

theox
03-11-2012, 08:57 PM
I don't think I got or stayed fat for a "payoff". My parents just did a lousy job of making sure I stayed at a healthy weight when I was too young to take responsibility for that myself, they failed to serve meals that were as healthy or balanced as they could have been, and they failed to teach me sound nutritional knowledge and healthy eating habits.

When I grew up and my weight suddenly became my responsibility and a big problem for them :rolleyes:, my attempts to put the nutritional knowledge I gained as an adult into practice to lose weight and keep it off were impeded by the fact that I had undiagnosed ADHD and by that point was so screwed up and burned out that I could barely function at all, much less lose weight on top of working and/or going to school.

Diagnosis and treatment have allowed me to become much more functional generally, and my ability to stick to a fairly non-restrictive "plan" without becoming overwhelmed or forgetting about it completely when other parts of life demanded any attention at all is simply part of that.

Muggles
03-11-2012, 09:34 PM
My weight is my way of punishing my body for betraying me (infertility when all I ever wanted in life was to have a baby, hysterectomy to save my life so it will never happen). Comfort eating through some traumatic events in my family and fear of trying to lose weight and failing.

gonnabfitmom
03-11-2012, 11:59 PM
The only payoff is getting to indulge in any of my cravings at any moment without limit or boundary. I get excited when I think ahead to eating something really good. I get to celebrate every occasion with food, and drown my sorrows in it.

*sigh* The payoff just isn't good enough now. I'd rather be thin, have confidence, feel beautiful, wear what I want, be healthy than continue to eat what I want. It's a small price to pay.

forgottenqueen
03-29-2012, 12:34 AM
I dont know 100% why I choose to be fat, but all I know is I like to snack on chips. I think something happened to me when I was a child, but I cant recall what exactly, but I can tell that something or someone traumatized me. Its the way I see people. Being fat makes me not have to show how socially awkward I am, and how Im such a nerd. Also, men ignore me, so I never have to worry about them rejecting me because I know that they already are not interested. I guess I have a lot of emotional baggage.

But I do know that if I were skinny, I would see things differently.

Amy23
03-29-2012, 07:32 AM
Like a lot of you, my payoff for being big is being invisible to most men. I've never liked attention and I have a serious fear/distrust of men.

If I'm big:

~ Men don't notice me.

~ I'm not afraid to walk my dog after dark.

~ I don't have to stand there awkwardly and try to think of something to say if a guy is hitting on me, even subtly.

~ I don't have to feel that horrible anxiety you get when a man is leering at you and you know they want something you can't give.

Of course, another payoff for being fat is the ability to eat anything and everything you want. I don't think any of us can lie and say that's not enjoyable, because of course it is. Food is great and having to restrict it isn't all that fun. But I'm doing this now not to look good (tbh I'll probably walk around in hoodies and jeans when I'm thin; I definitely don't want to attract attention) but to feel healthier and freer. At the moment I really do feel trapped by my body and it's slowly eroding the aspects of my life I do enjoy. I just want to be a normal person and blend into the crowd. Often my weight is what defines me and I hate that.

texscrapper
03-29-2012, 07:44 AM
Hi ladies! I'm new to this forum, but wanted to chime in....

My payoff is that I didn't have to care. I am also a type A personality. I run, amnage, and control everything else in my life - husband, children,job, volunteer work .... it was nice not to have to worry about somethiung. I would just pop whatever I found into my mouth, ran through a drive through, or atenothing all day until I ate plate after plate at dinner.

I lost 60 pounds three year ago and gained it all back. What I have realized since then is that I must take care of me and put myself first. I don't always think I deserve that, but I have to make ME a priority too.

ObviouslyIncognito
03-29-2012, 11:55 AM
This is an interesting question, and I have recently tried to figure that out. I have been overweight my entire life, and really started packing on the pounds as an early teen. I know that my weight spiraled out of control once I became a target for bullying. Staying in the house became my safety net and combined with a lot of emotional eating, it's not surprising I gained a substantial amount of additional weight in a short amount of time.

But, as an adult, I have questioned what might be the new reason. As a person who has never had genuine friends or romances, I can't help but wonder if my weight is helping me from finding out something even more hurtful. I have always wanted to find that special guy and have great friends. I have yet to find either, and specifically in the romance department, I can argue that I run across a lot of superficial men that are focused on my exterior. I feel like meeting someone at this point would be more genuine. If I lost weight and people treated me different, I may have no way of knowing if it's genuine (unless it's someone that didn't want to be bothered with me at first). Then again, if nothing changed and I lost weight, I might have to accept that there's something inherent about me that seems to repel people.

I might sound overly skeptical, but I feel like if I lost weight, I might just give up on trying find those things in life. Hopefully, that makes sense...

konfyoozed
03-29-2012, 12:57 PM
my pay off is the amusement i get when i see people's reactions to things i eat, or physical activities i can do. probably not really what you meant, but it's about the only thing i get from being fat.

my husband has told me "if slim and fit were a mindset you'd be there" and after a year and making it a habit to eat right and exercise, i'm inclined to believe him. :)

silentarctic
03-29-2012, 01:33 PM
I think the payoff was/is being able to eat whatever I want. when I'm trying to lose weight or maintain I can't do that. (That's also the cause if I had my eating under control I never would have gotten to this weight, I don't think I'd be skinny but I'd be around the 200lb range instead of the 300 range if I didn't consistently overindulge.).

Basically I get to be lazy.

Sad but true!

BrittyK
03-29-2012, 01:49 PM
My 'payoff', I guess, would be that the people I considered my friends really got to know me and loved me because I was me, not for any shallow reasons. I never had a lot of friends but the ones I did have were very close and very reliable. I was never the fat friend, or looked down on in any way.

In the same way, all of the relationships I had as a teenager were all very meaningful. I started dating when I was 13, which sounds young but I've always been more grown up and kind of an 'old soul'.. And my first relationship lasted over a year, which is a long time all things considered. I dated 2 other guys, each lasting over a year til I met my now husband at 16. But each guy saw beyond my weight, even though they thought I was pretty (I was around 220-250 then) and really liked ME. Even after we broke up, I'm still very good friends with every single one of them to this day, and I believe it's because we were always great friends.

I was never able to eat what I wanted or use it as a shield. I never had any problems with people due to my weight, no one was ever cruel to me or mean. So my weight just made -me- feel like a failure, like the last piece that was keeping me from being 'perfect'. So, I was hard on my self. I couldn't do anything to escape it, if that makes any sense. I couldn't eat to make myself feel better because I scrutinized everything that went in my mouth and when I did binge it was more to punish myself instead of doing it for any kind of gratification.

Chain
03-29-2012, 02:58 PM
Well when I was a kid, my mom and dad fed me what they ate - which was mostly fast food or things cooked in fat or layered with sugar. Even after I figured out how bad my eating was, it took me a few years to try to change it.

But I am not a kid anymore, and now I am feeding me!

The reason it took so long to change was an overwhelming fear of failure. I'd always been told I was so smart, so pretty, surely going to be a lawyer or a doctor some day, and while I realize it's far from the worst thing in the world to have parents and grandparents who are overly proud of you, it made me think strictly in terms of failure and success. What I'm doing now - trying new things with my diet, waiting for myself to slip in some way and then correcting it once I'd slipped - would have horrified me from even two years ago. But I grew up (which is the prerogative of every 20-something-year-old) and changed my mind (which is the prerogative of every women anywhere) about what failure really was, and I decided that not even trying to make myself better fit pretty neatly into my new definition of "failure."