General chatter - Relationship/Sex advice...help a sistah out?
02-28-2012, 12:05 AM
Okay, so I'm in a fairly new relationship; my boyfriend and I will have been together for 2 months as of this Friday. I'm having issues with him in the bedroom area. He wants to wait to have sex, and I don't. (And when I say "wait", I don't mean waiting for marriage, he's just not ready to have sex with me yet. And no, he's not a virgin.) We talked about it and made a compromise and he told me we could do whatever we wanted sexually, just as long as intercourse does not happen.
So, since I got that green light, I gave him a blowjob on Valentine's Day. He said he enjoyed it and even made the comment that it was the best he ever had, but the thing about it is that I had to make the move in order for us to get to that point. In fact, it seems like anytime I want the make-out session to go below the neck, I have to initiate it. If I try to be sexy in front of him or make sexual comments, he just laughs it off and it really turns out to be kind of awkward because I failed at what I was trying to accomplish. He really just doesn't seem to be comfortable with me sexually. I know it's probably just because we're in a fresh relationship and he doesn't want to mess it up, but it makes me feel like he's indirectly rejecting me.
I really don't know what to do about this because any more I don't even want to bring up sex because I feel like I'm pressuring him. How can I bring this up to him without making it seem like I'm pressuring him into doing something he isn't ready to do?
(PS: Sorry for the long post, I just really didn't know where else to go with this. )
02-28-2012, 12:14 AM
Last year, I was in your boyfriend shoes. My boyfriend was the one who was very sexual, while I wasn't comfortable to actually do anything sexual with him yet. He would frequently get frustrated that that he had to initiate anything and it took awhile for us to move to that next step(broke up a few weeks later but thats a whole other story)
Anyways...don't pressure him and let things flow naturally...wait until hes ready to take the relationship to that level. Some people just have a hard time getting there. Little comments and flirtatious remarks and hints are prob the best way to go now...don't think that he's rejecting you....hes just trying to feel everything out...
I wish more guys were like that xDDD...Good luck and hopefully things work out for you soon :)
02-28-2012, 12:16 AM
Well, what are his reasons for wanting to wait?
Reality is, you both have to want it and pressuring him is not fair to him and it can lead to more problems in the relationship if you are pushing him when he has said he wants to wait. Also, when he does have sex, he and you want it to be because he was ready for it, not that he caved and now resents you and is mad at himself. It could turn out to be a one time thing and then take even longer to get it to be a part of your relationship, or destroy your relationship.
If you can't wait, then get outnof the relationship. If you don't want that, then start talking about your feelings and find out about his. Speculating and pressure are just no good.
02-28-2012, 12:33 AM
He's really just trying to do the right thing and be a good guy; he says that if we have sex now it'd be more about satisfying needs than how we actually feel about each other. This is totally sweet and I get it -- I really do. And I honestly am not trying to pressure him; I really just don't know how to be in this kind of situation because I've never had to worry about it. Guys have never had issues with this with me before.
I really don't want to break up with him; he's the best guy I've ever had. But I do have a lot of sexual energy and I'm a very sexual person and it bothers me when he won't even let his hands wander when we make out. I want it to happen naturally; I definitely don't want it to be forced, but at the same time I don't know where to put the sexual energy I have. I guess I need to make sure I'm not making him uncomfortable... I don't know. Blargh!
02-28-2012, 12:40 AM
If you have sexual energy and need a sexual release, get a toy and please yourself. There is nothing shameful or bad about that. It's completely normal. Guys do it all the time! Girls can and should too! Plus it helps you to know what you like and don't like and that can enhance your eventual sex life with your boyfriend.
And btw, I am a sex ed. teacher (not in schools, but Sunday schools - Our Whole Lives curriculum).
02-28-2012, 12:54 AM
That's another thing -- I actually do masturbate but sometimes it just isn't enough. I feel like a bad person sometimes; not because of that, but just because I've never really thought of having sex as being a big deal. It seems like a lot of people do think it's a big deal, and I feel like the odd one out, especially being a woman. Like my personal opinion is that if two people (whether they're dating each other or are 2 single individuals) are close enough and are attracted to each other, as long as they're responsible about it, I don't see why they shouldn't have sex.
And a sex ed teacher in a Sunday School? That's different! Not trying to sound offensive or anything, I'm honestly curious; I just didn't think they'd have a program within churches for sex, especially if it's between non-married couples. Doesn't Christianity frown upon that?
02-28-2012, 01:03 AM
Fly solo while waiting? 2 mos is not a big time. I can see holding out a bit more.
Not that you are trying to pressure him into sex. But can he clarify how he DOES feel about you then? What is easier for him? Emotional intimacy? Mental intimacy? Body intimacy? Even if you have agreed to wait for it to happen naturally, you can still talk about sex, love, intimacy and all that.
Take the quiz on 5 love languages. Just for kicks. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/
You are not weird. I feel that way too. I remember with DH, we were both ready for sex 3 mos in. I basically said "Wanna?" and he said "Sure!" We liked each other a whole lot and spent a lot of time together.
I can't remember when he said he loved me, but he was ready to say it lots sooner than me. The first time I told him thanks. That I liked him a whole lot and I could see falling in love in with him easily. But that I just take a lot longer on the emotional intimacy part and my previous relationship left me a bit leery on opening up too soon. I was a lot more guarded. And body intimacy and mental intimacy is easier /faster opening up for me anyway. He said he was fine with it. So then he'd just tell me "I love you" and I'd smile and go "I know." It was a year in before I was ready to say it back.
I think everyone's pace is different on things.
But you also have the right to decide how long you are willing to wait for it to "just happen naturally." A year? 5 years? Just decide to yourself and keep it to yourself so he isn't pressure with some deadline. But it's ok to make up YOUR own mind inside your own head. You prolly don't want to wait 20 years right?
@berryblondeboys -- UU? I've done OWL too. :)
Our Whole Lives is age appropriate sex ed from grade K on up to adult.
You could think of it like "layers" that build up.
Like my daughter as a got the bits about different kinds of families -- bio, adopted, same sex parents, etc. The bit how babies are made and where they come from. What "bad touch" is and what to do if it happens.
Then more stuff comes along as the child ages on up -- puberty changes, peer pressure, dating, birth control methods, etc.
02-28-2012, 01:24 AM
i had to wait two and a half *years*.... yeah, years. i didn't want to wait. like you, i tend to be a sexual person. however, this guy i was dating... he had religious reasons for waiting and it was after the wedding or never. i had never been with anyone who treated me so wonderfully before. so we went as far as he said was okay (the rule was his pants had to stay on), and we made it work. i blamed him for the local adult novelty shop getting half my pay check! it was even worse when we did 10 months long distance... but now we're married and i'm glad we waited because i knew pushing him would make him resent me.
the wait turned out to be good for us, because we had to get creative and it helped him to open up a bit. you both know when it's right, and it'll happen when it happens. once you go there, you can't undo it. so make sure it's the right time for both of you.
good luck :)