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Old 02-20-2012, 09:36 PM   #1  
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Default My fat, my husband, and my low self-confidence=marital problems

Okay, so am I crazy but does being overweight make you angry and bitter? My husband (married 11/11/11) and I have been having such terrible fights lately. We have been together since we were in high school, and we have ALWAYS had our ups and downs. BUT, since I've gained weight I find it harder to be happy and let things go; my frustration with my body and CONSTANT struggle with my diet make me so angry. I constantly complain about my body and I know it bothers him. He tells me I'm beautiful but somehow it isn't enough; his words bring me a split second of confidence but then I look back in the mirror and I'm totally disappointed with myself. He's loved me for over nine years, at 140lbs and up to 220lbs. I'm now at 190. I recently lost about 15lbs for our wedding and gained it right back. I WANT TO EAT, DAMMIT! UGH. Is that so wrong? I also want to add that he's always weighed about 110-120lbs. He's a thin man, and I am a BIG woman. He eats whatever he wants and doesn't gain a pound. Could I be jealous or something? We have problems aside from the ones that arise from my weight issues, but I do feel that the emotions associated with being overweight leak over to my general issues and overwhelm me! Any advice? Thanks.
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Old 02-20-2012, 09:53 PM   #2  
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Being overweight doesn't make you angry and bitter. Being angry and bitter makes you angry and bitter. What plan are you using to lose weight? Is it possible that it isn't a good fit for you? You say you have problems in your marriage and it sounds like you're very unhappy - are you seeing a counselor, with or without your husband, to deal with your issues?

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Old 02-20-2012, 10:03 PM   #3  
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No counseling, just the encouraging and experienced words of a close friend who has had a divorce and sees trouble in my relationship. I suppose that I feel that if I'm skinny, then I will be happy. If I'm happy then I will be carefree and less likely to argue?? UGH. Just reading this back to myself makes me feel silly.

I was on weight watchers but I would constantly go over my daily goal. I am now using a free calorie counter online, but I go over my daily calories everyday by about 300 calories. I'm okay when I'm at work, but once I get home, its OVER. I pile on food onto my plate until I feel some kind of relief. I know it sounds terrible. Everyday isn't this way...
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Old 02-20-2012, 10:07 PM   #4  
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I disagree... I think there is some correlation... As I have lost weight, my family has commented on my attitude.. They said I seem to have more energy, and appear a lot happier... My short temper also hasn't been so much of an issue either... I dont think the over weight CAUSES anger/bitterness.. but I do think it causes exhaustion and frustration. Like theox said, is there are other issues, weight loss wont get rid of them, but I do think there is something to be said with being happy with yourself, and that reflecting in all your relationships.
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Old 02-20-2012, 10:13 PM   #5  
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I agree with your comment sabri711: "I do think there is something to be said with being happy with yourself, and that reflecting in all your relationships." I want to experience a carefree day without the frustration of my weight issues.
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Old 02-20-2012, 10:23 PM   #6  
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Weight has nothing to do with happiness. There are large happy people, slim happy people. There are slim unhappy people, large unhappy people. Being a certain shape doesn't guarantee happiness one way or the other.

If you are unhappy, you need to sit back and look at WHY you are unhappy. Why are you picking at your body? It only reflects its health and the care you give it. It is an innocent bystander. Don't add more problems by beating yourself up. Treat yourself with some kindness, dignity and respect.

If you are wanting a fitter body, and have tried and it isn't working... I know it is frustrating. But sit back and think it through. It isn't like your body is the enemy.

Have you had a check up? Is your obesity stemming from underlying health issues -- prediabetes / insulin resistance, hypothyroid, etc? Since you mention being angry/cranky while dieting -- get your blood sugar checked out. Anxiety and irritability is a side effect of hypoglycemia.

Both hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia can lead to uncontrollable hunger and that can make sticking to diet harder.

Anger turned inward is depression. Have you been screened for that?

Or does it stem from emotional eating? Stress? What's causing the emotions? Are there problems in the marriage? You JUST got married. It's in the top ten most stressful life events! But I assume you love each other if you bothered to marry. Don't you love each other? Are you having problems with extended relatives not respecting boundaries? Is it something else?

Is your diet plan just too low in calories over all? Ok calories but the wrong carb-protien-fat ratio for your needs? Are you exercising too hard for a beginner? Not enough?

Is it a mix of several things? Leading to the overwhelmed feeling?

Just take it one thing at a time.

HTH!
A.

Last edited by astrophe; 02-20-2012 at 10:25 PM.
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Old 02-20-2012, 10:30 PM   #7  
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I know how you feel. For me, being obese and depressed went hand-in-hand and affected everything.

I was very large and hated people seeing me. I hated how easily I would feel tired. Hated how I looked in clothes. Hated being the fattest person in the room. Hated feeling guilty about eating in front of others. I was ashamed of myself, which maybe seems a bit extreme to some, but that's how I felt back then.

Because I had such low self-esteem while obese, I had no confidence. My relationships always fell apart because I was so unhappy with myself. I dropped out of countless classes because of the immense social anxiety I had.

I was angry, bitter, irritable, felt powerless, hopeless, and very depressed. I was a hermit for a while because I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin and couldn't stand to have people see me. It's definitely scary.

Learning about healthy habits and taking my health into my own hands has done wonders for my confidence, self-worth, feeling a sense of accomplishment, feeling hope. With so many positive changes in my life over the past year, I can't help but feel proud and good about myself. I still struggle with some anxiety but I'm a much, much happier person and in a better place.

Just start with small changes and let them empower you! Start eating cleaner, healthier. Move and sweat a little bit. You'll get addicted to it, I promise! You'll start feeling so much better that you're doing SOMETHING positive that it just builds and builds.

*hugs* We're here for you!
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Old 02-20-2012, 10:31 PM   #8  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by astrophe View Post
Weight has nothing to do with happiness. There are large happy people, slim happy people. There are slim unhappy people, large unhappy people. Being a certain shape doesn't guarantee happiness one way or the other.

If you are unhappy, you need to sit back and look at WHY you are unhappy. Why are you picking at your body? It only reflects its health and the care you give it. It is an innocent bystander. Don't add more problems by beating yourself up. Treat yourself with some kindness, dignity and respect.

If you are wanting a fitter body, and have tried and it isn't working... I know it is frustrating. But sit back and think it through. It isn't like your body is the enemy.

Have you had a check up? Is your obesity stemming from underlying health issues -- prediabetes / insulin resistance, hypothyroid, etc? Since you mention being angry/cranky while dieting -- get your blood sugar checked out. Anxiety and irritability is a side effect of hypoglycemia.

Both hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia can lead to uncontrollable hunger and that can make sticking to diet harder.

Anger turned inward is depression. Have you been screened for that?

Or does it stem from emotional eating? Stress? What's causing the emotions? Are there problems in the marriage? You JUST got married. It's in the top ten most stressful life events! But I assume you love each other if you bothered to marry. Don't you love each other? Are you having problems with extended relatives not respecting boundaries? Is it something else?

Is your diet plan just too low in calories over all? Ok calories but the wrong carb-protien-fat ratio for your needs? Are you exercising too hard for a beginner? Not enough?

Is it a mix of several things? Leading to the overwhelmed feeling?

Just take it one thing at a time.

HTH!
A.
I agree with you. Have things checked out from a doc.then you will know for sure why things are happening the way they are. Don't be hard on yourself,just a baby step at a time and you will achieve what you want.
I have been tring for over a month just to lose 10 lbs.LOL, It does take exercise which I have had little of.
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Old 02-20-2012, 10:36 PM   #9  
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While I've never personally experienced this I've seen it firsthand through my mother. Ever since I was little she was always body conscious and so obsessed with her weight that she was always on edge. She was a huge yo-yo dieter and would be that much more irritable when dieting (no exercise). She's never been happy with herself, even when she was 120lbs and for her 5'3 height is a perfectly fine weight. Her relationship with my father ended when I was very young and her relationship with my current stepfather isn't very healthy. She's so focused on not being happy with her body that she doesn't have energy for anything else and snaps at everyone. When I see her at one of these moments or witness her interaction with my stepdad I'm reminded of a song lyric from lifehouse, "you gotta love yourself if you can ever love me."

I'm not saying this is how you feel or describes you in any way, it's just the observations of someone who grew up in a home with parents who constantly fought because she was so obsessed and bitter and angry. My advice is to learn to love yourself (not saying you don't) and think of yourself as beautiful because you are. Maybe make a list of all the things you love about yourself. I've tried all this with my mother and it's like talking to a brick wall.

Off topic but how about exercise habits? I find that without exercise I find it impossible to stick to my calorie goal. Just a thought.

Sorry this is so long and best of luck to you!
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Old 02-20-2012, 11:11 PM   #10  
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I have recently tested for PCOS because the doctor said that I had some symptoms related to it, but she said I was fine. I was referred to a therapist a couple of years ago but I never showed up. I have terrible anxiety. When I freak out, my husband is ALWAYS there for me. He tells me that it's going to be okay and that he's here. I rarely freak out in public, and my 'attacks' happen only about once a month or less but they're substantial. I had hypothyroidism in High School, but ever since, my thyroid has checked out fine.

Maybe it is stress. I have a mundane and monotonous job as a data processor. Recently, I decided to go back to school and become certified to teach. It's a huge risk because I will have to quit my job to attend school and attaining a teaching position isn't guaranteed solely because I'll be certified. I love the arts, theater and visual art. I want to inspire students to be creative and enjoy something else besides video games and T.V. In order to reach this goal, I have to put aside starting a family with my husband and put the financial strain on him. Another major point worth noting: He wants to have kids. I recently started to see having a child as a possibility for us, but who will hire a pregnant teacher that they have to find a sub for as soon as she starts (I start the certification program in March and should be eligible for hire by the following school year,August 2012). I want to add that I would never, and have never, allowed my anxiety to interfere with my professional situations at work or school.

Quote:
Originally Posted by astrophe View Post
Weight has nothing to do with happiness. There are large happy people, slim happy people. There are slim unhappy people, large unhappy people. Being a certain shape doesn't guarantee happiness one way or the other.

If you are unhappy, you need to sit back and look at WHY you are unhappy. Why are you picking at your body? It only reflects its health and the care you give it. It is an innocent bystander. Don't add more problems by beating yourself up. Treat yourself with some kindness, dignity and respect.

If you are wanting a fitter body, and have tried and it isn't working... I know it is frustrating. But sit back and think it through. It isn't like your body is the enemy.

Have you had a check up? Is your obesity stemming from underlying health issues -- prediabetes / insulin resistance, hypothyroid, etc? Since you mention being angry/cranky while dieting -- get your blood sugar checked out. Anxiety and irritability is a side effect of hypoglycemia.

Both hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia can lead to uncontrollable hunger and that can make sticking to diet harder.

Anger turned inward is depression. Have you been screened for that?

Or does it stem from emotional eating? Stress? What's causing the emotions? Are there problems in the marriage? You JUST got married. It's in the top ten most stressful life events! But I assume you love each other if you bothered to marry. Don't you love each other? Are you having problems with extended relatives not respecting boundaries? Is it something else?

Is your diet plan just too low in calories over all? Ok calories but the wrong carb-protien-fat ratio for your needs? Are you exercising too hard for a beginner? Not enough?

Is it a mix of several things? Leading to the overwhelmed feeling?

Just take it one thing at a time.

HTH!
A.
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Old 02-20-2012, 11:23 PM   #11  
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Thanks Riesz and nu09. Your encouraging words and the experiences that you've shared have given me some hope. Thank you to all of you.

@nu09: I WAS working out five to seven times a week, twenty minutes a day in preparation for my wedding last year. I have fallen off the exercise wagon. I've only worked out a couple of times this entire month. Any workout ideas? I'm about to pop in a twenty minute Zumba video. Wish me luck.

THANK YOU LADIES.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Riesz View Post
I know how you feel. For me, being obese and depressed went hand-in-hand and affected everything.

I was very large and hated people seeing me. I hated how easily I would feel tired. Hated how I looked in clothes. Hated being the fattest person in the room. Hated feeling guilty about eating in front of others. I was ashamed of myself, which maybe seems a bit extreme to some, but that's how I felt back then.

Because I had such low self-esteem while obese, I had no confidence. My relationships always fell apart because I was so unhappy with myself. I dropped out of countless classes because of the immense social anxiety I had.

I was angry, bitter, irritable, felt powerless, hopeless, and very depressed. I was a hermit for a while because I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin and couldn't stand to have people see me. It's definitely scary.

Learning about healthy habits and taking my health into my own hands has done wonders for my confidence, self-worth, feeling a sense of accomplishment, feeling hope. With so many positive changes in my life over the past year, I can't help but feel proud and good about myself. I still struggle with some anxiety but I'm a much, much happier person and in a better place.

Just start with small changes and let them empower you! Start eating cleaner, healthier. Move and sweat a little bit. You'll get addicted to it, I promise! You'll start feeling so much better that you're doing SOMETHING positive that it just builds and builds.

*hugs* We're here for you!
Quote:
Originally Posted by nu09 View Post
While I've never personally experienced this I've seen it firsthand through my mother. Ever since I was little she was always body conscious and so obsessed with her weight that she was always on edge. She was a huge yo-yo dieter and would be that much more irritable when dieting (no exercise). She's never been happy with herself, even when she was 120lbs and for her 5'3 height is a perfectly fine weight. Her relationship with my father ended when I was very young and her relationship with my current stepfather isn't very healthy. She's so focused on not being happy with her body that she doesn't have energy for anything else and snaps at everyone. When I see her at one of these moments or witness her interaction with my stepdad I'm reminded of a song lyric from lifehouse, "you gotta love yourself if you can ever love me."

I'm not saying this is how you feel or describes you in any way, it's just the observations of someone who grew up in a home with parents who constantly fought because she was so obsessed and bitter and angry. My advice is to learn to love yourself (not saying you don't) and think of yourself as beautiful because you are. Maybe make a list of all the things you love about yourself. I've tried all this with my mother and it's like talking to a brick wall.

Off topic but how about exercise habits? I find that without exercise I find it impossible to stick to my calorie goal. Just a thought.

Sorry this is so long and best of luck to you!
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Old 02-20-2012, 11:29 PM   #12  
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Okay, time for a little tough love.

The problem here is YOU. You say you got married 11/11/11. So- 3 months ago. You were a big woman then. Your husband knew that and he loves you and married you anyway. Nothing in your post indicates he's putting any pressure on you to lose weight or that he's said anything to make you feel bad about yourself. In fact you indicate he says nice things and they initially make you feel better but then you feel bad again.

You're making yourself feel bad, not him. And if you allow it, this has the potential to harm your marriage. So STOP IT. Accept that he loves you. Then, if you want to change, do it for you. But don't destroy your closest relationship because you feel insecure.
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Old 02-20-2012, 11:56 PM   #13  
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I like zumba (I have it for the wii) and I also use just dance for wii and a pilates DVD I have for days when I can't/don't really wanna go to the gym. Lately I've been going to the gym 5-6 days a week and doing cardio and strength training. Even if you don't have a gym membership strength training is something you can do at home and has been a huge help in weight loss. And cardio is the same way. Things like zumba or walking or bicycling can all be done without the gym.

And the real reason I've grown to like exercise? The more I exercise (in both duration and days/week) the more calories I can eat per day. Added to that I feel soo much better after a good workout. And I don't feel starved like I know I personally would eating the calorie amount it would require to lose weight without exercise. I like food. And yes I've made healthier choices but I am not one that can fully commit to only healthy food (so jealous of the people who can!) so exercise is a fantastic balance where I can still eat foods that aren't the best for me without feeling guilty. You'll have to figure out what works for you, some people have more success with just cutting out all the "bad" food completely. The reason I do it the way I do is because I'm happy. Yes, I get mad sometimes when the scale doesn't move as fast as I'd like but overall this is something I can do for the rest of my life. I don't feel like I'm "dieting" it's a lifestyle change.
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Old 02-21-2012, 01:27 AM   #14  
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Being overweight doesn't make me bitter and angry (when I was young I used to choose to become bitter and angry about my weight, but I didn't realize it was a choice I was making).

What DOES have the potential to make me bitter and angry is drastic calorie restriction. When my calories (and therefore my blood sugar) dips too low, I can become angry (even rageful) for no good reason. PMS can do the same thing (but that's a different story). If I can't talk myself out of anger, there's a very good chance that my blood sugar is low, and the only way to heal the anger is to eat (I used to binge, before I realized that spreading my caloies through out the day, or eating a small snack was just as effective).


Happiness is a choice (not always an easy one), and the way you choose it is the same way you choose unhappiness - you talk to yourself. When you start telling yourself angry and bitter things, "talk back" to your internal bully with positivity. When you tell yourself that you're unattractive and useless, stand up to the part of yourself that's saying those things. You have an internal bully, you have to create an internal anti-bully. A nurturer and defender who will tell you not to listen to the bully, and who will remind you of all your wonderful qualities.

Last edited by kaplods; 02-21-2012 at 01:29 AM.
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Old 02-21-2012, 10:06 AM   #15  
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It sounds like there are real reasons why your weight is hung where it is. It isn't that you stink at weight loss.

It's no wonder! Marriage 3 mos ago, start school next month. Then seeking new job in the fall. And trying to plan out when to TTC -- those are all big points on the life events stress list! (Stress = elevated cortisol = weight problems. )

Quote:
but I do feel that the emotions associated with being overweight leak over to my general issues and overwhelm me! Any advice? Thanks.
To me it sounds the other way. Your general life issues are overwhelming you right now. You react to the stress and anxiety by wanting to eat it away or stuff it down and make your body the punching bag.

Why do you do that?

You sound like you have a plan -- start school in March, get hired for next school year. Put off TTC until stable with new job changes. Sounds sensible.

So where's the problem?

Ever hear the phrase "worrying is like praying for what you DON'T want?"

We all worry some, but I think you are worrying too much to the point of putting too much stress on yourself and picking at you and your spouse as a result.

Go see a doc about the anxiety. Maybe you need meds if it is blowing up out of proportion and beyond normal level jitters. Panic attacks once a month is a lot.

BREATHE. It will turn out how it will and likely it will turn out just fine.


A.
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