Body Image and Issues after Weight Loss - My ex said a horrible thing about my loose skin... long




ChangingSkies
02-12-2012, 06:48 PM
Hi guys,

This is my first time posting in this community but looking through the forums, I think I will be visiting often!

Here's my problem.

Firstly, I'm not done losing weight but over the last two years I went from 303 lbs to 150 with just diet and exercise. My end goal is 130 and I have no doubts I will get there eventually. I do have loose skin and I don't like it but I'm much more happy with that than I was with having an extra 150 lbs of fat on my body.

I'm not particularly self-conscious about the skin but of course I can't wait until I fix it or save up enough money for the surgery. I've had a pretty active dating life for the last year and I've never really had an issue when it comes time to show off my body to my new friends. I've dated some very good looking athletic type guys who actually found it kind of hot. One guy even called it "my battle scars" and would go on and on about how amazing I was because I did what I did.

Well this last guy I dated changed all that and my self esteem has just taken a nose dive. I actually really liked this guy too. He wasn't super hot or athletic like some of the other guys I dated. He was 5'10 and 205lbs so pretty chubby himself. But when the clothes came off with him, he just kind of froze. It was absolutely apparent that he was not happy with the way my body looked. He kept his eyes tightly closed the whole time, he barely touched me, he barely did any work. After the first couple of times we had sex I decided that it was probably best to cut things off since I could feel myself getting more and more self-conscious about it and my self esteem was taking a hit. No man is worth that. He was also kind of obsessed with porn stars and strippers and actresses with perfect bodies and stuff which exacerbated the problem and frankly made me resentful... it was just too much. I told him that I just thought we were incompatible and he begged me not to leave him. He begged. But nothing changed in the bedroom. Things just took a nose-dive and he ended up dumping me about a month later saying that we were incompatible. My heart was broken but hey, it happens.

This was a few months ago that the break up happened and I moved on. Plenty more fish in the sea. Last night I got an e-mail about a new message from a website forum that I used to frequent when we were together. He actually convinced me to sign up for it. He must have forgot that I had an account because I was scrolling through the threads and there was one there about dating girls who used to be fat but are now hot. I was reading all the comments and there was one that said (this is copy and paste) "Hold off on calling them hot until you get their clothes off. I dated a girl that lost 150 lbs in a year and a half and she looked awesome in clothes but when they came off she had loose skin EVERYWHERE! She was really self-conscious about it. And with good reason. It was pretty revolting." Looked at the name of the poster to see who would post something so mean spirited and lo and behold it was my ex.

Ok, seriously??? I mean that guy was cute and funny but he wasn't anything that would make you break your neck, ya know? Plus he was kind of a weirdo and really immature so I'm not thinking he has lines of girls banging down his door to get in.

My skin is already better looking than it was when I was with him. And it's only going to keep getting better the more I keep working at it. His personality will probably be sh*tty for the rest of his life.

I don't know why I care so much. But I have a feeling this is going to rear it's head with the next guy I date now.

Has anyone here ever had to deal with such a mean comment? How do you bounce back from something like this?


ValRock
02-12-2012, 06:54 PM
WHAT AN A$$!!!!

Girl... there are enough wonderful, kind, HOT ;) men out there who won't give a second look to a little loose skin. You don't need to be wasting your time on jerks like this. Please don't take what he said to heart. He obviously have self esteem issues of his own.

You did an amazing thing and got yourself healthy. Your skin will continue to improve and he will still be a moron.

Pat yourself on the back and let it roll off. It's not worth your frustration. *hugs*

Please Do Not
02-12-2012, 06:57 PM
Really, his comments say A LOT more about him than you think. He sounds like he has some serious self-esteem issues. And his comment tells me that he'll do whatever he can to feel better about himself. I would consider the break up a god send. He liberated you from future emotional abuse that could have impaired you much more than you think.


watchoutforthatcar
02-12-2012, 07:07 PM
Losing 150 pounds is nothing to be ashamed about, loose skin or not! It's an accomplishment, nobody should make you feel lesser because of it. I'm glad you got rid of him, he obviously has his own insecurities, which is the only reason I can see him being so mean about it. You'll find someone way better who accepts you for who you are and loves every bit of you.

Italiannie
02-12-2012, 07:23 PM
First, You are a ROCK STAR!!!!!

My guess is that you got that "kicked in the stomach" shocked thing when you read that. I am so sorry that disgusting excuse for a human being did that to you. I bet there are others that read his post and aren't thinking very good thoughts about him. Not only is he shallow, but he's an idiot. I'm really glad you got rid of him when you did.

Don't give him one more ounce of energy. He's a loser.

Remember - his actions and thoughts don't have anything to do with the next guy you meet, so don't let that poison you.

You are amazing.

bargoo
02-12-2012, 07:37 PM
Congratulations on a fantastic weight loss. Forget this guy , he is a jerk.

astrophe
02-12-2012, 07:39 PM
That hurts, but remember he's an ex for a REASON.

Not just being incompatible in the bedroom, but being immature and kinda dorky out of it. Honestly -- NO PERSON is perfection after early infancy! We get all kinds of dings and bangs and whatnot. As soon as we start moving around we're clonking ourselves on things.

The weight loss you did was a phenomenal HEALING thing -- and your body responded to your care. You totally rock, and the other ex BF who called it your battle scars has a much better attitude.

Hopefully your next will be as realistic and good attitude as the better ex, but have the special "spark" to make it click the way you want in a relationship.

Fooey on the immature weirdo ex. Thppppt.

A.

thinner
02-13-2012, 12:51 AM
omg:((( i can relate to being kicked in the stomach by reading the internet:(((( unfortunately there are men like that. i'm wondering where these guys are who don't care about the excess skin??? and it has no bearing on what they themselves look like either.

i dont have alot of excess skin (yet) because i've lost really slowly. because that's the only way my body will do it. i still have some fat on my body and i still get rejected for it omg.

Glory87
02-13-2012, 02:05 AM
"Hold off on calling them hot until you get their clothes off. I dated a guy that looked awesome in clothes but when they came off he had a really small penis! He was really self-conscious about it. And with good reason. It was a real teeny peeny."

JojoTheMojoMomma
02-13-2012, 02:23 AM
Oh, that last post was LOL good!

Honey, the guy has issues and is a jerk. I hope for your complete healing and freedom from that damaged relationship.

JojoTheMojoMomma
02-13-2012, 02:23 AM
Oh, that last post was LOL good!

Honey, the guy has issues and is a jerk. I hope for your complete healing and freedom from that damaged relationship.

cherrypie
02-13-2012, 03:06 AM
You said lots of really hot nice guys didn't have an issue with your skin didn't they? why listen to this one guy instead of them?

melodymist
02-13-2012, 03:22 AM
You are so much BETTER off without him!

k8yk
02-13-2012, 12:47 PM
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Don't give him the power. Some guys would think the post perfect hottest woman had something about her he should nitpick. Some guys think your flaws are hot. Focus on the other type of guys. There will always be a-holes in the world, lucky for you you aren't in a relationship with one anymore.

sontaikle
02-13-2012, 12:56 PM
Congratulations on your weight loss!!

I know everyone else has said it, but that guy was an *******. Do NOT listen to him and know that there are guys out there that just want YOU for YOU, not what you look like without your clothes on. You accomplished something amazing and any guy who can't appreciate that needs to take a hike.

I agree with the guy who said they were "battle scars!" That's how I refer to my stretch marks and extra skin ;) Sure, it would have been easier to never get fat in the first place, but the point is that we got to another place through blood, sweat and tears and unfortunately our bodies show signs of it.

berryblondeboys
02-13-2012, 12:58 PM
See, this one is a tough one. Does it make him a jerk because he didn't find her attractive? No.... we can't control what we find attractive or not. And because he seemed (at first) to want to make it work, he didn't want it to be an issue either.

Even in the post where he said, "Hold off on calling them hot until you get their clothes off. I dated a girl that lost 150 lbs in a year and a half and she looked awesome in clothes but when they came off she had loose skin EVERYWHERE! She was really self-conscious about it. And with good reason. It was pretty revolting." He wasn't trying to be mean. It's how he felt. Now, would it hurt like **** to hear that or see that? YES!!!! of course. I would be devastated to read that! And yes, it would make it very hard to mentally cope with that.

I think, if/when you get to the point of 'getting naked' with someone, letting them know that you have loose skin is probably in your best interest. (Which it sounds like you do anyway) and then they can be mentally prepared for it. Same with if you had baby stretch marks, etc. That way when the moment comes, it's not all "WOW!!!! Ew!!!!"

But this guy obviously doesn't understand that life creates battle scars. and if/when he ever gets with a woman permanently, he'll be in for a rude awakening. Babies can wreak havoc on a woman's body. And we all get old and that changes our bodies too.

I remember being really worried about my massive amounts of stretch marks on my tummy after having a baby. My husband was so wonderful about it. He said, "it's a small price to pay for having our child" and he has NEVER, EVER had a problem with them. He hated my fat, but he doesn't mind the loose skin. Why? The fat worried him - he hated that I was so unhealthy. The stretch marks and loose skin are results from living life, not from being unhealthy, and that stuff doesn't matter to him.

Italiannie
02-13-2012, 01:01 PM
"See, this one is a tough one. Does it make him a jerk because he didn't find her attractive? No.... we can't control what we find attractive or not. And because he seemed (at first) to want to make it work, he didn't want it to be an issue either."

I think it was the fact that he posted such a statement that makes him a jerk.

surfergirl2
02-13-2012, 01:26 PM
There are *******s everywhere. And i agree that his comments says more about himself than it does about you. I say this from personal experience; i've noticed that i'm quite critical about guys i date--i don't want to date an out-of-shape guy, even though i have a few extra pounds myself. Some would consider this hypocritical, but i tend to see it as a self-consciousness about weight and projecting it onto others. If i weren't overweight then i probably wouldn't be as overly concerned about weight and appearances when dating.

krampus
02-13-2012, 01:57 PM
There are *******s everywhere. And i agree that his comments says more about himself than it does about you. I say this from personal experience; i've noticed that i'm quite critical about guys i date--i don't want to date an out-of-shape guy, even though i have a few extra pounds myself. Some would consider this hypocritical, but i tend to see it as a self-consciousness about weight and projecting it onto others. If i weren't overweight then i probably wouldn't be as overly concerned about weight and appearances when dating.

THIS.

Either way, that guy sucks and I hope he falls in love with a girl who won't accept his body the way it is and he gets his feelings hurt. I know it can take years to get over the humiliation of just one comment like that and I hope your self-esteem and perception of yourself swings back into the "confident, proud to have made such a huge change" mode soon.

ChangingSkies
02-13-2012, 02:05 PM
Thank you for all the encouraging words, guys. You are absolutely right. I should be proud of what I've done and not let this one incident go to my head. These are the scars I bare from a life well-lived and one person's opinion doesn't speak for everyone. I just gotta let this one slid off my back. I'm not even going to hold onto any resentment about it. I'm mentally sending my best wishes to him and hoping that someone or something comes along in his life to put him in a better place emotionally and spiritually as well.

See, this one is a tough one. Does it make him a jerk because he didn't find her attractive? No.... we can't control what we find attractive or not. And because he seemed (at first) to want to make it work, he didn't want it to be an issue either.


This is the part that gets me though. I know not everyone has to find me attractive. I'm pretty specific about what I find attractive too. The difference is when someone doesn't do it for me I respectfully decline and wish them the best. I don't try and hold onto something and lead someone on hoping that I'll get there. That's not fair to them or me. He was quite clingy in the relationship and came on rather strong since the very beginning. And I certainly don't go off to my friends (internet or in real life) and talk about how unattractive I've found them. The only time in my life I've ever felt the need to use such a strong word to describe someone I wasn't attracted to was towards a creepy bartender who would not stop saying really disgusting sexual things to me with absolutely no signs of interest from me.

I just think what he did was rather mean spirited. It would have been different had he just mentioned the possibility of their being loose skin or other flaws once the clothes came off and left it at that. It's a flaw. Everyone has flaws. You either accept them or you don't. It just p*sses me off that he expected me to not act insecure about it when, in hindsight, he made it painfully obvious that I should have been. Why put me through that? If he knew it was a dealbreaker and felt that strongly about it that he had to use that word, why wouldn't he just let me end it when I tried? Instead he put me through an emotional wringer while I was with him and for another month and couple weeks after I raised the issue of incompatibility. That just seems so selfish to me....

I know I shouldn't even be mad about the comment he made on the website because, well, I guess it's my fault for looking. Some things are just better left unseen and I should have thought of that before reading through a site I know he frequents.

Lesson learned.

LAgreeneyes
02-13-2012, 02:15 PM
First let me say that you have done an awesome job at your weight loss. You get a high five and many kudos.

Secondly, this LOSER of a guy is not even worth it. I was so angry as I was reading your post. How could he!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are better off without him. He is a very mean person to say such a thing. NO ONE is perfect. And for him to say such mean things says a lot about him. He is a creep!

anna1129
02-13-2012, 02:25 PM
Well done YOU for changing your life! You're an inspiration and there are a LOT of people who would be thrilled to have you in their lives.

By the sound of it, this jerk is going to end up bitter and alone with pictures of the fake porn stars he's obsessed with. What a loser.

I understand how upsetting it is to hear someone saying something so cruel behind your back. But you have to decide not to give a **** what they say. There are so many better things in life worth caring about :)

uselessknowledge
02-13-2012, 02:35 PM
While I started dating my ex, I was going through a hard time and gained 20-30 pounds in only a couple of months. Found out around when I dumped him, he sent an email to his friend that I was a b!tch for gaining a ton a weight but he would try to get in my pants anyway. He made comments when I was dumping him about how I ate pasta in the morning (it was 11:30 dude) etc. A man with integrity would never say this about any woman, much less one who he claims to love (or even like). Nobody is perfect and he shouldn't be commenting on your appearance like that even if it wasn't to you or meant for you too see. He doesn't have a realistic image of what a woman looks like anyway. This is one of those things that gets to me! Consider yourself lucky and look for someone else. I know how it feels and don't let it get to you. It hurts but it's really his problem.

Just wanted to add: he does have a right to not find you attractive, however the judgmental and belittling tone he took while talking about it is what upsets me. If he didn't find you attractive, he didn't have to be with you. You did a great job losing that weight and don't listen to people like that.

You will get over it, I promise. :)

mammasita
02-13-2012, 02:39 PM
GIRL! I dated a guy that was JUST like that. He cheated on me, I found out, he begged for forgiveness, I said EFF THAT.

Well, he felt the need to blog about me and take jabs at me on FB (I know this through mutual friends). Even had the audacity to be angry at me for not wanting him anymore. I know this because he sent me 3 very angry emails about how my boobs sagged and I had stretch marks - it was humiliating and I felt completely defeated BUT I never gave him the satisfaction of responding, needless to say it still hurt.

I say all that to say this - YOU ARE SO SO SO VERY STRONG for seeing that he wasn't worth it and moving on. I can relate to what you went through 150%. Secondly, he has personal issues. Every man has the right to not be attracted to us, but the fact that he felt the need to blast you publicly means he is a TOOL, maybe even narcissistic.

Honestly I didn't bounce back very well, I gained all of the weight I had lost back. I would LOVE to blame him, but at the end of the day it was my own fault for letting his mean spirited comments and emails get to me.

Again, I know its EXTREMELY hard to not let it get to you and to look at yourself in the mirror a little differently because of what was said, but I promise it will pass. Especially since I sense thorough your post that you are an extremely strong and intelligent woman.

He is your EX for a reason. Keep doing what you are doing!!!

freelancemomma
02-14-2012, 01:04 PM
<<See, this one is a tough one. Does it make him a jerk because he didn't find her attractive? No.... we can't control what we find attractive or not. And because he seemed (at first) to want to make it work, he didn't want it to be an issue either.>>

I agree with this, though I was afraid to post it myself. The comment sounded mean because it was tossed off to anonymous strangers and wasn't intended to be read by the OP.

I'm 5'11", and I once had a guy tell me he couldn't see himself dating me because he's only attracted to petite women. Did this make him a jerk? Not in my opinion. He was just being honest.

I know another guy (online) who mentioned that he could never date a girl with A-cup breasts. That one hit still closer to home because my teenage daughter is an A, but I still recognize that people have the right to like what they like and dislike what they dislike.

I think we all need to accept that some people won't find us attractive for whatever reason, and move on from that realization.

JMHO Freelance

ChangingSkies
02-14-2012, 01:22 PM
<<See, this one is a tough one. Does it make him a jerk because he didn't find her attractive? No.... we can't control what we find attractive or not. And because he seemed (at first) to want to make it work, he didn't want it to be an issue either.>>

I agree with this, though I was afraid to post it myself. The comment sounded mean because it was tossed off to anonymous strangers and wasn't intended to be read by the OP.

I'm 5'11", and I once had a guy tell me he couldn't see himself dating me because he's only attracted to petite women. Did this make him a jerk? Not in my opinion. He was just being honest.

I know another guy (online) who mentioned that he could never date a girl with A-cup breasts. That one hit still closer to home because my teenage daughter is an A, but I still recognize that people have the right to like what they like and dislike what they dislike.

I think we all need to accept that some people won't find us attractive for whatever reason, and move on from that realization.

JMHO Freelance

I get this. And really I'm not offended that he didn't find me attractive. Jeez, I was 300 lbs from 23-28. I've learned to deal with rejection and men not being attracted to me.

My problem is that you don't sleep with someone for 3 months that you aren't attracted to. Once or twice to try it out, ok. But countless times over 3 months, with him doing the majority of the initiating and him CONSTANTLY encouraging me to be naked around him? No. He was either messing with my head and leading me then on or he's just being a bitter d*uchebag now. Either option still makes him an a$$hat.

sontaikle
02-14-2012, 01:29 PM
He has a right to not be attracted to anyone, but it's the manner in which he said that he isn't attracted that makes in a douchebag.

"Revolting" has no place being used to describe someone's body.

LAgreeneyes
02-14-2012, 01:31 PM
I get this. And really I'm not offended that he didn't find me attractive. Jeez, I was 300 lbs from 23-28. I've learned to deal with rejection and men not being attracted to me.

My problem is that you don't sleep with someone for 3 months that you aren't attracted to. Once or twice to try it out, ok. But countless times over 3 months, with him doing the majority of the initiating and him CONSTANTLY encouraging me to be naked around him? No. He was either messing with my head and leading me then on or he's just being a bitter d*uchebag now. Either option still makes him an a$$hat.

That is exactly what I was thinking. You just don't sleep with someone that you're not attracted to for months. I know what every person will not be attracted to us and that's ok. For someone to do that to a person is lower than a snake's belly.

k8yk
02-14-2012, 01:31 PM
Finding someone unattractive doesn't make you a jerk. Thinking that your opinion of what's attractive or unattractive should be shared with the world DOES make you a jerk. Like all those guys who post "I'd hit that" on a woman's photo on the internet- jerks. All the guys who state that this or that celebrity is "fat" or "gross" - jerks.

Attraction is a personal thing. There's no reason to make people feel bad about themselves by projecting your opinions out into the cyberweb. If you wouldn't say it to the person's face, don't write it on the internet. And if you WOULD say hurtful things to a person's face, you are a jerk :)

Butterfly1987
02-15-2012, 06:19 AM
OMG!! I'd drop-kick him back to prehistoric times!! Grr that really annoyed me! The reason you were incompatible is because he wouldn't make an effort to engage in the actual activity! What a horrible man - take no notice because most men aren't like that. You have achieved something amazing, you should never stop being proud of yourself. :-)

imperialistic
02-15-2012, 10:13 AM
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt
This is one of my favourite quotes and it so applies here.
Trust me, this has nothing to do with you. The fact that he isn't fit also says something else. This guy is just a hypocrite who has unrealistic expectations about women due to spending an excess of time watching porn. He will never be happy with any woman and no woman will be happy with him.
Don't let him demean yourself and your efforts that easily. He is irrelevant to your life.

saef
02-15-2012, 10:36 AM
It's plain old manners we're talking about here.

This is what I am thinking: When you're visiting someone's home at dinner, and you are given a taste of a special dish that they have taken a great deal of effort to make, and they are watching you for your reaction, if you dislike it, you do not spit it out ostentatiously in front of the whole table and say, "That was revolting."

You can think it, but you can't say it.

And this isn't merely a dish, this is a person. A human being who invited another to partake of her body, in effect. A human being with hopes and dreams and thoughts and feelings.

That is why this guy is scum.

Making this comment publicly is a power play and an ego trip on his part. He's trying to sound like a worldly connoisseur of women's bodies. He feels just as empowered as a judge at the Westminster Kennel Club. In this point of view, women are not really people, they are objects whose confirmation and physical qualities are supposed to be assessed against some standard for the breed. (A standard created by porn stars, apparently.) A really insecure guy will do that -- to cope with the situation, he will attempt to remove all the brains & humanity from a woman and talk about her like an anatomy chart.

You don't want a person that insecure and that capable of cruelty in your life. They're dangerous. They're often repeat offenders.

Dismiss his opinions out of hand. They're coming from an unpleasant, dark place.

And you're in a place of light. You made a tremendous effort and reworked your body and probably a good part of your life, too. You do not need to have people like that guy around you.

Look for guys who come from that same positive, empowered place as you do. Who can give you back laughter and energy and hope for a good future. Because that is what you deserve.

The only thing I worry about here is that you may be accepting substandard guys when you deserve so much better. If you get a bad feeling about a guy, you are probably right and you should trust your intuition before taking it any further.

VermontMom
02-15-2012, 11:09 AM
I also think that he should not be 'excused' for posting such a remark, using the word 'revolting'. He is an tool and he'll live a tool's lousy life, yay! :devil:

ChangingSkies, YOU have your head together and you are awesome.

cherrypie
02-15-2012, 11:41 AM
I agree it's not someone's fault if they aren't attracted to someone. They are a jerk though if they make you feel like crap if they aren't attracted to you.

knoxie
02-15-2012, 05:41 PM
If he's not attracted to you, fine. If the loose skin makes him uncomfortable, ok. Telling other guys to watch out for the newly-slim girls because once their clothes are off they look revolting? Tool.

There are ways and means of articulating a personal experience/preference but describing anything about anyone as 'revolting', particularly when that person has worked really hard to get where they are, is just plain mean.

tessendicott
02-15-2012, 11:35 PM
Firstly, go punch him in the nose, you'll feel better. (joking)
There are PLENTY of men out there who will love you exactly like you are.
He is CLEARLY not worth any woman's time. Only a complete jerk would say something like that. I just read this to my boyfriend and he said, and I quote, "What a piece of $hit." This just proves that there are good guys left in the world. Don't even waste your time thinking about it, he's not worth ANY spent energy.

Ramra
02-16-2012, 09:41 AM
I'm going with the general concensus here: He's a tool. And unfortunately, there are plenty of them to go around. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you're not alone. I once had an ex text my friend, telling her we broke up because I didn't take care of myself, and the sex was "bland and boring". My self esteem took a huge hit, but you know what, I eventually realised that he was a miserable person (who's life was going downhill), and his personality flaws had nothing to do with me. You have lost over 150 lbs!! That's an incredible achievement, and there are some people who are going to search for any reason to take you down a notch. His pathetic insults just show how much more successful you are than him.

tessendicott
02-16-2012, 12:19 PM
Another thing is, usually when people say things like that they have extreme self confidence problems and take other people down a notch to make themselves feel better.

inglesita64
02-16-2012, 11:33 PM
Oh I can so relate to that story! I used to date a guy who ate only the amount of food that would compensate for the exercise he had done at the gym --which is a form of OCD, then I learned--, and who would pinch me where I had excess fat for me to notice I needed to lose weight. Passive aggressive, then I learned. He even introduced me to a woman he used to be in love with and later commented on how hot and thin she was. Funny thing is he was the worst lover on earth ever, but I never let him know that, but (read this) FAKED in bed for two years for him to be happy. After two years, I was ready to let go of him, but never forgot how ugly he made me feel.
He DID have a tiny weeny thingy, btw, and now I think: why didn't I ever tell him he was abnormally underdeveloped, and pinched him there???
Let's forget these guys... we deserve better!

chickadee32
02-17-2012, 01:59 AM
I don't have anything new to add, I just wanted to chime in and say WAY TO GO on your incredible weight loss, ChangingSkies, and I'm so glad that unhappy, insecure, cruel man is out of your life. SO glad. I understand the hurt all too well, but please don't dwell on his comments; they reflect poorly on HIM, not you.

And saef's post is awesome, as usual.

LisaTcan
02-17-2012, 10:45 AM
I bet HE had poor self esteem and felt inferior. People who feel good about themselves don't feel the need to bring other people down. I watched this Dan Savage talk (sex/relationship expert) last night and he was staying the reason some men act this way is because they're dumb and immature and care to much what they're friends think. I real man would be honord to be with an amazing women like you.

I myself dated a man who had lost 150 lbs and had a lot of lose skin..I thought he was hot and I respected that he had turned his life around, it was never something that phased me.

Nadya
02-17-2012, 07:33 PM
As has already been said and you already know, attraction is subjective. But I agree with you that if he really weren't into you, he shouldn't have had sex with you so many times and he shouldn't be using such hateful language.

Having said that, at 205 pounds he'd have to be hitting on 6'5" for that to be considered healthy. Before mouthing off about the appearance of others, maybe he should consider making himself more attractive because not everyone finds an overweight/obese man sexy. Maybe one day someone will call him revolting to his face and he'll think twice before mouthing off next time.

fitmom
02-17-2012, 08:22 PM
That's just...awful. :( I have some loose skin from two pregnancies on a small area below my belly button that you can't see unless I'm bending over and if my hubby said something negative about it, I would be devastated. There are other men who actually have manners and would never say something so terrible. Just my two cents.

dlp22
02-26-2012, 12:57 AM
See, this one is a tough one. Does it make him a jerk because he didn't find her attractive? No.... we can't control what we find attractive or not. And because he seemed (at first) to want to make it work, he didn't want it to be an issue either.

Even in the post where he said, "Hold off on calling them hot until you get their clothes off. I dated a girl that lost 150 lbs in a year and a half and she looked awesome in clothes but when they came off she had loose skin EVERYWHERE! She was really self-conscious about it. And with good reason. It was pretty revolting." He wasn't trying to be mean. It's how he felt. Now, would it hurt like **** to hear that or see that? YES!!!! of course. I would be devastated to read that! And yes, it would make it very hard to mentally cope with that.




I don't mean any disrespect to you, but I actually disagree with this. To me, it seems like he was trying to be mean. He may have even realized that she would see the message, see that he was the one who posted it, and purposely tried to hurt her with it (since he was the one who showed her the website anyhow). Or maybe he was just trying to make himself feel better. Who knows why people are so hurtful to others.

No, it doesn't make him a jerk because he didn't find her attractive.
Making her feel self-conscious about herself in the first place and then publicly commenting (in a place he knew she might see it, no less) on the very thing HE KNEW made her self-conscious...that makes him a jerk. Saying that she had "good reason" to be self-conscious makes him a jerk. Using the word "revolting" to describe another person's looks, that makes him a jerk (and clearly he wasn't that "revolted" if he could still get it up and do the deed). The only people who deserve to be called revolting are murders/rapists/pedophiles/etc. That is not just simply stating how he feels; that is trying to belittle her in the process of stating how he feels.

I also don't see where he wanted to make things work in the beginning. Maybe before the clothes came off he was nice to her, but I bet he begged her not to leave just because he didn't have anyone else to be with. She could have moved on and met someone else, or at the very least not been made to feel like she had something to be ashamed of. And to break up with her a month or so later and use the same reason as she did to begin with...yeah, that makes him a jerk too.

He definitely has some body issues, either with himself or with his perception of women in general...or both. He thought she looked awesome with her clothes on, but "revolting" with them off (which I am sure she is not). He tensed up when he saw her naked, then closed his eyes and barely touched her when they had sex. He has a weird obsession with "perfect" looking porn stars/celebrities. These things indicate just how shallow this guy really is, and/or just how out of touch with reality he is. I don't understand why he thinks he deserves to be with such a flawless woman (or why he even thinks one exists, someone needs to tell him those women are photo-shopped).

It seems to me like you dodged a bullet by being rid of this guy, ChangingSkies. I think you are amazing for achieving what you have done! Just remember how far you have come, all the things can do and are doing now that you couldn't before, and how much you wanted to be exactly where you are 150 lbs. ago. It is funny (and sad) how we can hear so many positive comments and feedback (i.e. the hot guys who were impressed by what you have done), but what really sticks with us is the one negative comment (by someone you know isn't worth the time of day). I do this too. They are so hard to get over, but I know you will. By this time next year, I'll bet you won't even believe you wasted your energy on worrying over his stupid comments. I wish I could make it so that you wouldn't worry about it by this time tomorrow, but unfortunately I can't. Try not to let it keep you down for too long. You have a wonderful life to live...don't let him hold you back from it! :hug:

happybug
02-27-2012, 01:29 AM
That guy sounds like a freak. You are so lucky not to be with him.

sekc14
02-27-2012, 09:51 PM
Oh I can so relate to that story! I used to date a guy who ate only the amount of food that would compensate for the exercise he had done at the gym --which is a form of OCD, then I learned--, and who would pinch me where I had excess fat for me to notice I needed to lose weight. Passive aggressive, then I learned. He even introduced me to a woman he used to be in love with and later commented on how hot and thin she was. Funny thing is he was the worst lover on earth ever, but I never let him know that, but (read this) FAKED in bed for two years for him to be happy. After two years, I was ready to let go of him, but never forgot how ugly he made me feel.
He DID have a tiny weeny thingy, btw, and now I think: why didn't I ever tell him he was abnormally underdeveloped, and pinched him there???
Let's forget these guys... we deserve better!

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL!

sekc14
02-27-2012, 10:30 PM
Firstly, ...I do have loose skin and I don't like it but I'm much more happy with that than I was with having an extra 150 lbs of fat on my body.
....
Well this last guy I dated changed all that and my self esteem has just taken

Your first statement tells what a wonderful, healthy state of mind you have. Furthermore, it indicates strong self esteem. It's probably these aspects about that empowered you to accomplish the weight loss on your own. My guess is the athletes admire your strength of character and appreciate you on a level because of your accomplishments. Whereas Loverboy was likely a bit intimidated by you. IMO he can't take rejection because of his self esteem issues. He begged you not to breakup with him because it wouldve crushed him. HE needed to breakup with you because he's weak. So he kept it together just long enough to be the one calling it quits. Then, because he was still scared and intimidated by you rejecting HIM, he slapped you in public in a passive-aggressive attack of the one aspect of you that is your healthiest accomplishment. HE doesn't have the strength of character to accomplish as much as you and that makes him feel small. Abusive behavior IMO is a defense for a person's fear of their own weakness.

My advice is to forgive him for being weak, scared, and feeling the need to attack you. Let it go. Realize you dodged a bullet by breaking up with him and thank God it's over before more harm could result. You are an awesome woman and will meet a good guy eventually because you have a good head on your shoulders. Chin up and keep strong!!

Elliemar
03-20-2012, 12:35 PM
Good grief words fail me! Well, they don't but I'd probably get banned if i wrote what actually popped into my mind!!

What you've achieved is phenomenal and what you deserve is not what this plank gave you. He certainly doesn't deserve even the amount of thought that's already been given to him. Put him and his nasty negativity out of your mind and concentrate on being fabulous and finding someone who is worthy of you!

:hug:

threenorns
03-20-2012, 12:49 PM
if we're calling them battle scars, then my carcass looks like i got drug through WWII behind a tank across a minefield, lol.

but seriously - he's a chubby little boy still looking for the woman who matches the ones in the sears catalogue bra section he no doubt still whacks off to.

by allowing him to affect you like this, you are saying he's right - his judgement is correct - he has evaluated your worth perfectly and all those other, hotter, better looking, in-better-shape guys AND all your friends AND all your family AND all the other ppl in your life who love you and value you are just plain wrong.

personally, i'd just consider him a bullet dodged.



btw - when he does meet his "perfect" woman, this will probably be "their" song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyhrYis509A&ob=av2e

sweetsmmr91
03-20-2012, 02:13 PM
He probably has an unrealistic idea of what normal women should look like if he has an obsession with porn stars and actresses with perfect bodies. I know how it feels though, I lost 150 pounds as well and I'm in my early 20's and dating pretty regularly. I was dating a guy, and had on a spandex type thing to suck in my stomach because the dress I was wearing kind of required it, well later that night me and the guy were just messing around, and he felt it and was like "uh what is that?" and I was like "Umm? really? Spandex." And laughed it off. Well a couple dates later I realized he was extremely immature, and changed my mind about him. He was drunk one night and texted me saying he was "glad because he doesn't want to date a 20 year old who has to wear a girdle". Haha, oh immature men.

Don't let it get to you, although that's easier said than done! What a jerk. Definitely a bullet dodged there! And I like that "battle scars" thing. I'll have to remember that :)

WebWoman
03-20-2012, 03:08 PM
You not only lost 150 pounds... you lost another 205 pounds of Jerk!

XLMuffnTop
03-20-2012, 05:07 PM
I lost 150 pounds as well and I'm in my early 20's and dating pretty regularly. I was dating a guy, and had on a spandex type thing to suck in my stomach because the dress I was wearing kind of required it, well later that night me and the guy were just messing around, and he felt it and was like "uh what is that?" and I was like "Umm? really? Spandex." And laughed it off. Well a couple dates later I realized he was extremely immature, and changed my mind about him. He was drunk one night and texted me saying he was "glad because he doesn't want to date a 20 year old who has to wear a girdle". Haha, oh immature men.

I read something somewhere, I don't remember where, that the chick from those sparkly vampire movies wears Spanx as it slipped below her hemline during an interview. From what I remember she's pretty freakin' thin! Guess he wouldn't date her either huh? :D

Also, a quick google revealed Katy Perry, Lindsey Lohan, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jessica Alba, etc. all wear them. Hm... he's gonna have some really slim pickings if that's his criteria!

ETA: Also, I wouldn't call them men. Over-grown, immature boys. :(

guacamole
03-23-2012, 08:50 PM
Please say a little prayer of thanks before you go to bed tonight, because you dodged a bullet!

I truly feel sorry for any woman who winds up with this man. When my husband met me I was 120lbs and fit as a fiddle. Now...well...ummm..... Thank goodness he still finds me pretty with all the flaws...he finds my inside beautiful and that influences how he sees my outside. Your ex might meet someone hot and fit for now - how will he feel in 10-20 years when she had popped out a few kids and aged? Is he that shallow? I don't see a happy future for him or his future wife.

threenorns
03-23-2012, 08:57 PM
his wife will probably have a perfect poker marriage:

she'll start off with two hearts and a diamond, but before long she'll be wishing for a club and a spade.

x Ophelia x
03-27-2012, 02:32 PM
You not only lost 150 pounds... you lost another 205 pounds of Jerk!

I totally second this motion! That guy sounds like a real jerk. *hugs*

lettingslenderin
03-27-2012, 02:43 PM
That young man is just tacky. I know it hurts, though. It is not you, it is him. Congratulations on your amazing weight loss!

thewickedcityx
03-29-2012, 01:46 AM
My boyfriend said some pretty mean spirited things to me recently about his ex girlfriend who lost 125 pounds while they were together. He poked fun at her boobs mostly, which apparently sagged quite a bit after her weight loss. When I confronted him about it he admitted that he said those things because it made him feel better about the fact that she had cheated on him and left him. Sometimes we lash out at others to make ourselves feel better, and physical appearance is a really easy thing to pick on. My boyfriend is a great person, he was just really hurt by this girl. It wasn't really about what her body looked like at all, but rather about his disappointment and sadness over things not working out. Not trying to defend your ex necessarily because he seems like a jerk but my guess is that this is more of a reflection on him and how he feels about the situation way more than it is on you and what you look like.

ChangingSkies
03-29-2012, 11:04 AM
My boyfriend said some pretty mean spirited things to me recently about his ex girlfriend who lost 125 pounds while they were together. He poked fun at her boobs mostly, which apparently sagged quite a bit after her weight loss. When I confronted him about it he admitted that he said those things because it made him feel better about the fact that she had cheated on him and left him. Sometimes we lash out at others to make ourselves feel better, and physical appearance is a really easy thing to pick on. My boyfriend is a great person, he was just really hurt by this girl. It wasn't really about what her body looked like at all, but rather about his disappointment and sadness over things not working out. Not trying to defend your ex necessarily because he seems like a jerk but my guess is that this is more of a reflection on him and how he feels about the situation way more than it is on you and what you look like.

This does not make me feel better. lol.

I tried to make things work with him harder than I tried with any man before or after him. I didn't cheat on him. I treated him well and I gave him just about everything that I had that I could give at that time. If he is resentful because things didn't work out that means he basically resents who I am as a whole person because I never "did" anything to him. I would rather him be revolted by my sagging skin than repulsed by my soul.. lol. And if I hurt him, it wasn't by anything I did. It would be that we were just that incompatible. And that makes me feel guilty and like I should have moved on when the problems first started instead of dragging them out trying to make it work...

Elliemar
03-29-2012, 11:28 AM
his wife will probably have a perfect poker marriage:

she'll start off with two hearts and a diamond, but before long she'll be wishing for a club and a spade.

:rofl:

OP, it's nothing you did. Sometimes things just don't work out and a person lashes out in ways we can't explain. :hug:

usmcvet
04-01-2012, 09:00 PM
Congratulations on your weight loss. You're inspiring. Bye is clearly a jerk.

I've read some things recently online and in a few local newspalers said about me and know the feeling. It is horrible. I stopped reading the comments but it hurt for weeks. It hurt again when my 9 year old had a friend mention to him at school. His friend was sticking up for me but it still sucked.

threenorns
04-01-2012, 09:12 PM
changingskies - YOU were trying hard to make it work. clearly, he wasn't.

and just as clearly, you gave him far better than he deserved.

Exhale15
04-01-2012, 10:37 PM
... He certainly doesn't deserve even the amount of thought that's already been given to him. Put him and his nasty negativity out of your mind
:hug:

After one of my crappy relationships I was going over and over him in my mind until the thought popped into my mind that I could continue to be miserable OR I could stop going over and over in my mind. I'd rather be free than to try to figure some things out. This guy isn't paying you rent for the time he's taking up in your head. Life is short. Be good to yourself.

lostangel05
04-01-2012, 11:01 PM
If you ever see him in person, I hope you KNOCK him OUT! What an jerk!!

beginme
04-02-2012, 05:26 PM
I'm mentally sending my best wishes to him and hoping that someone or something comes along in his life to put him in a better place emotionally and spiritually as well.
Good for you!

How other people treat you is their path, how you react is yours.

Pepino
04-05-2012, 01:41 AM
First, You are a ROCK STAR!!!!!

My guess is that you got that "kicked in the stomach" shocked thing when you read that. I am so sorry that disgusting excuse for a human being did that to you. I bet there are others that read his post and aren't thinking very good thoughts about him. Not only is he shallow, but he's an idiot. I'm really glad you got rid of him when you did.

Don't give him one more ounce of energy. He's a loser.

Remember - his actions and thoughts don't have anything to do with the next guy you meet, so don't let that poison you.

You are amazing.


THIS!

Pepino
04-05-2012, 02:01 AM
It's plain old manners we're talking about here.

This is what I am thinking: When you're visiting someone's home at dinner, and you are given a taste of a special dish that they have taken a great deal of effort to make, and they are watching you for your reaction, if you dislike it, you do not spit it out ostentatiously in front of the whole table and say, "That was revolting."

You can think it, but you can't say it.

And this isn't merely a dish, this is a person. A human being who invited another to partake of her body, in effect. A human being with hopes and dreams and thoughts and feelings.

That is why this guy is scum.

Making this comment publicly is a power play and an ego trip on his part. He's trying to sound like a worldly connoisseur of women's bodies. He feels just as empowered as a judge at the Westminster Kennel Club. In this point of view, women are not really people, they are objects whose confirmation and physical qualities are supposed to be assessed against some standard for the breed. (A standard created by porn stars, apparently.) A really insecure guy will do that -- to cope with the situation, he will attempt to remove all the brains & humanity from a woman and talk about her like an anatomy chart.

You don't want a person that insecure and that capable of cruelty in your life. They're dangerous. They're often repeat offenders.

Dismiss his opinions out of hand. They're coming from an unpleasant, dark place.

And you're in a place of light. You made a tremendous effort and reworked your body and probably a good part of your life, too. You do not need to have people like that guy around you.

Look for guys who come from that same positive, empowered place as you do. Who can give you back laughter and energy and hope for a good future. Because that is what you deserve.

The only thing I worry about here is that you may be accepting substandard guys when you deserve so much better. If you get a bad feeling about a guy, you are probably right and you should trust your intuition before taking it any further.

Thank you Saef for writing this! Sooo true!!!!!

thewickedcityx
04-05-2012, 10:09 PM
This does not make me feel better. lol.

I tried to make things work with him harder than I tried with any man before or after him. I didn't cheat on him. I treated him well and I gave him just about everything that I had that I could give at that time. If he is resentful because things didn't work out that means he basically resents who I am as a whole person because I never "did" anything to him. I would rather him be revolted by my sagging skin than repulsed by my soul.. lol. And if I hurt him, it wasn't by anything I did. It would be that we were just that incompatible. And that makes me feel guilty and like I should have moved on when the problems first started instead of dragging them out trying to make it work...

I think you misunderstood the point I was trying to make. For my boyfriend, he said those mean spirited things out of his disappointment over things not working out because he felt it was a reflection on him - i.e. he was not able to make her happy, he was an awful lover, he didn't stay thin enough for her, he didn't make her happy, etc. He lashed out in the way he did because he felt bad about himself. In his case he felt bad about himself because of how his ex made him feel.. for your ex that's not the case.. he might just plain old have low self esteem. People who seek out opportunities to put others down do so because of how they feel about themselves.. to make themselves feel better. My point is that his comments say much more about how he feels about himself than it says about how he feels about you. I'm sorry to hear things didn't work but the way you wanted to, but this guy is clearly a jerk and not worth your time. Sorry if my comments upset you in anyway .. I certainly did not mean to add fuel to the fire. Congratulations on your weight loss!

Euphy
04-06-2012, 01:16 AM
Congrats on the weight loss! Sadly, sometimes we fall for losers that aren't worth the pain and heartache we go through. If he's addicted to porn, he'll probably never be satisfied with any woman. Porn is actually the main reason that younger guys are getting ED.

Pepino
04-06-2012, 02:28 AM
Congrats on the weight loss! Sadly, sometimes we fall for losers that aren't worth the pain and heartache we go through. If he's addicted to porn, he'll probably never be satisfied with any woman. Porn is actually the main reason that younger guys are getting ED.

Sorry I know this is off topic but I'm curious...how does that cause ED???/

It seems like this generation is definitely porn-addicted. I feel like all the men my age (and reasonably younger and older) have very unrealistic expectations of what a sexual relationship is thanks to porn. I'm not anti-porn but I do feel like there have been negative affects from it.

ChangingSkies
04-06-2012, 10:13 AM
Sorry I know this is off topic but I'm curious...how does that cause ED???/

It seems like this generation is definitely porn-addicted. I feel like all the men my age (and reasonably younger and older) have very unrealistic expectations of what a sexual relationship is thanks to porn. I'm not anti-porn but I do feel like there have been negative affects from it.

I've heard a lot of guys say that they "do their thing" to porn so much that when it comes time to perform with a real woman they can't finish because they are so used to just that one feeling. It desensitizes them.

usmcvet
04-06-2012, 07:50 PM
Again congratulations on your weight loss. He is an ***.

As a man I can tell you the thing that usually gets my attention is a woman's eyes. The color doesn't matter. You can tell so much from the eyes.

Thanks for inspiring me to stay OP!

shcirerf
04-06-2012, 11:48 PM
An EX is an EX! For whatever reason.

Move on! It's not worth the mental energy!

Euphy
04-07-2012, 07:45 PM
Sorry I know this is off topic but I'm curious...how does that cause ED???/

It seems like this generation is definitely porn-addicted. I feel like all the men my age (and reasonably younger and older) have very unrealistic expectations of what a sexual relationship is thanks to porn. I'm not anti-porn but I do feel like there have been negative affects from it.
There is a video about it on TEDTalks, they basically say that porn is causing ED because it desensitizes men and they keep needing something new and exciting, so they watch more hardcore porn.

Exhale15
04-07-2012, 08:05 PM
An EX is an EX! For whatever reason.

Move on! It's not worth the mental energy!

Yes! Make no one a victim or monster...sending kind vibes to all. Realize the beauty of life & keep peace. :)

Thighs Be Gone
04-07-2012, 08:49 PM
He sounds like a jerk...and believe me, if he is really one of those guys that are just about the looks then better you find out NOW and not later. My own hubby has seen fat, skinny, in between and puking. I've got stretch marks and pimples and unruly hair. He has seen me at my worst but at my best too---and more than just in the looks department. Thats what its all about. It doesn't sound like this guy could handle a real relationship.

ChangingSkies
04-20-2012, 03:21 PM
Great update to this story!!

According to new facebook pics, this ex has ballooned up in the last couple months. It looks like he gained about 50 lbs. And he's also dating a new girl. Who is pretty overweight herself.

I hate that I'm a little happy about this. But I am. :)

gonnadoitthistime
04-20-2012, 03:46 PM
I don't blame you for being happy about the new fat him, we all deserve a little petty meanness outlet once in a while about the people who have hurt us, it's only human. I kind of feel a little sorry for the new girl though, he is her problem now!

DCHound
04-25-2012, 09:21 PM
Has anyone here ever had to deal with such a mean comment? How do you bounce back from something like this?

I have 2 answers for you, the more evolved and the less evolved.

Less evolved: What a jackass. Hello?? Poor idiotic porn-obsessed loser. Obviously you're better off without him and his shallow, sad fanny is in for a sad, lonely life.

More evolved: How unfortunate. You're so much better off without him and you know it. We should pray for/bless/send positive and healing thoughts to him.

Today I'm going for #1, the less evolved response. Seriously girl, what a jackass. And, he's totally wrong. You do know that right? Anyone who prefers porn to a person, and who could give up someone as warm and wonderful as you (don't believe me? It comes right through your posting) is simply stupid.

My thought? Don't waste another thought on him. He doesn't deserve any of your time or mental energy. Just wish him well and move on. There are a lot bigger and better things out there for you and you know it. :)

red65
06-15-2012, 08:17 AM
Ok, I will admit I skipped ahead after a couple pages of responses and I do intend to go back and read them all BUT I wanted to share my experience with this as I actually did have this experience and felt much the same way you did. It did a real number on my head and it took a long time to get past it.

I was dating a guy who was 14 years MY SENIOR so was in his 50's at the time (pushing 60 now LOL!) He wasn't overweight but he wasn't skinny and he was rather flabby himself in the face and neck and he had the body of someone who looked to be in their 50's. Nothing bad, nothing revolting and certainly nothing that bothered ME. He also, like your ex, had a thing about porn and exotic dancers etc.

Well, I had weightloss surgery 12 years ago and yes, I have loose skin. A LOT of loose skin. I've actually regained some weight which I am now fighting back off so if anything I was smaller, looked better in clothes and admittedly had more loose skin then.

This asshat was a journaling type of person and wasn't careful at all where he left it. Admittedly I shouldn't have looked into the journal but I got up super early one morning and it was just laying there. Curiosity got the better of me and I picked it up. BIG MISTAKE!!

Almost by fate the book fell open to a page he had written about me and in it he talked about how I had lost a lot of weight and how beautiful I was WITH CLOTHES ON but how he found it very hard to look beyond the baggy, saggy, wrinkly (and every other adjective he could think of) skin as the result of the weightloss. I was crushed.

He begged for forgiveness after chiding me for reading his private thoughts and LIKE AN IDIOT I gave him a second chance but I never forgot the remarks and after dealing with his other "issues" for a while I left.

Fast forward a bit. I was RUINED for a while after that when it came to being intimate with a man and lost several relationships due to my new found hang-ups. THEN I met an awesome guy who made me feel beautiful. He knew the other guy and when I told him what had happened he told me the guy was an idiot.

Things didn't work out with him but we are still friends. I met my now-husband during this time. Actually I didn't meet him, I already knew him and was friends with him but love happened LOL. This man is very good looking and loves me FOR ME and thinks I am beautiful exactly how I am (even with some regain - he doesn't care other than for my health). HE is the one who restored my faith in the opposite sex and in myself. We've been together 6 years and married for 5.

The only thing I can say about the jerk who did that to you is a) it's HIS issue and not yours, b) looks like what goes around comes around since he has packed on the weight and c) sometimes you have to deal with the frogs so you will recognize when you are in the presence of a PRINCE!!

Congrats on your weightloss. You ARE a rock star!

Take care,
Kellye

Elliemar
06-15-2012, 08:26 AM
Kellye summed it up pretty well I think :)

My own experience (in a nutshell) - when I split up with my ex he made a lot of rude remarks about my weight. A bit of a cheek considering he was rather overweight himself. Fast forward 1yr+ and I've found a guy who unlike the ex is seriously fit, but loves me just as I am (saggy skin and all) and frequently tells me so. The ex? Judging by the facebook pics, he's put on more weight and his new gf is bigger than I ever was so I get your feelings of schadenfreude. :)

As Kellye said, sometimes you have to deal with frogs before you find a prince :)

startswimming
06-16-2012, 07:23 PM
I wanted to say congrats on your amazing weightloss! And piffle to anyone that wants to give you grief about it! I think it is fine and healthy to know what you are and are not attracted to. I think it is rude, mean and ridiculous to say what he did publicly. Here's some silver lining: At least you saw his true colors early and got away from him. I married mine. By the time I got myself untangled from him I felt subhuman for years! I'll spare you the details, but good for you! Hold your head up, march on, and find someone amazing and DESERVING! :)

Liz

beautifulone
06-16-2012, 11:40 PM
Thank you for all the encouraging words, guys. You are absolutely right. I should be proud of what I've done and not let this one incident go to my head. These are the scars I bare from a life well-lived and one person's opinion doesn't speak for everyone. I just gotta let this one slid off my back. I'm not even going to hold onto any resentment about it. I'm mentally sending my best wishes to him and hoping that someone or something comes along in his life to put him in a better place emotionally and spiritually as well.

This is the part that gets me though. I know not everyone has to find me attractive. I'm pretty specific about what I find attractive too. The difference is when someone doesn't do it for me I respectfully decline and wish them the best. I don't try and hold onto something and lead someone on hoping that I'll get there. That's not fair to them or me. He was quite clingy in the relationship and came on rather strong since the very beginning. And I certainly don't go off to my friends (internet or in real life) and talk about how unattractive I've found them. The only time in my life I've ever felt the need to use such a strong word to describe someone I wasn't attracted to was towards a creepy bartender who would not stop saying really disgusting sexual things to me with absolutely no signs of interest from me.

I just think what he did was rather mean spirited. It would have been different had he just mentioned the possibility of their being loose skin or other flaws once the clothes came off and left it at that. It's a flaw. Everyone has flaws. You either accept them or you don't. It just p*sses me off that he expected me to not act insecure about it when, in hindsight, he made it painfully obvious that I should have been. Why put me through that? If he knew it was a dealbreaker and felt that strongly about it that he had to use that word, why wouldn't he just let me end it when I tried? Instead he put me through an emotional wringer while I was with him and for another month and couple weeks after I raised the issue of incompatibility. That just seems so selfish to me....

I know I shouldn't even be mad about the comment he made on the website because, well, I guess it's my fault for looking. Some things are just better left unseen and I should have thought of that before reading through a site I know he frequents.

Lesson learned.

Can I just say that you seem like an incredibly well adjusted person with a great attitude. I feel for what you had to go through, but I have no doubt you will move on from this and find someone who deserves you and is ready to meet you halfway and love you fully. I love the term "battle scars" -- that seems very apt. Your weight loss is an amazing accomplishment and something you have every right to be proud of! A little loose skin is just that. What you did truly is amazing and I hope you find a way to move past his comments -- he clearly is just not where you are.

WLGirl1
07-07-2012, 01:58 PM
Eww! Gross! What a scumbag!!! He's the one with the issues not you, love.

Maile
07-08-2012, 09:26 AM
You deserve the absolute best person who will accept you for the beautiful person you are! I also have loose skin and cannot afford the surgery yet to get rid of it. However, I have learned to accept my body and am very happy to be thin and healthy.

That guy was a jerk and you are better off without him!
You have done a wonderful job of making yourself healthy!!!!

JellEBeanDesigns
07-24-2012, 11:11 AM
Omg what a douche

zoesmom
07-26-2012, 09:28 PM
I've heard a lot of guys say that they "do their thing" to porn so much that when it comes time to perform with a real woman they can't finish because they are so used to just that one feeling. It desensitizes them.

Heh. My last boyfriend before I met my husband was like this. It used to drive me insane. I'd finish up a good 30 minutes before him and get so bored I would have to try really hard not to just fall asleep on him. Sex is great if you can take your time and all, but everyone has a limit on the actual intercourse part. It didn't help that he lost 90 pounds while we were together so he found every second he could to harp on me about my weight. Wouldn't have been so bad if he coaxed me to hit the gym with him, or diet with him, or even expressed concern about my health. Instead he would say hurtful things like, "I lost all this weight. I can't bee seen in public with you if your won't do the same." But it is all good. Because I dumped him and am now happily married to a VERY supportive man who is concerned about my well being and not my looks. Tonight, he was craving Texas Roadhouse. Instead of tempting me and going out tonight, and instead of going out by himself, he settled for tofu burgers because that is what I was having tonight. Now that is love! <3