This is part of a PM I sent to Sandi, who was very sweet and PM'd me to ask how BFL was going. I decided to post it here because I'm wondering if there are any other "posuers" on this board...
ugh. BFL is NOT going. I have been off program for about two weeks, and I'm finding that I don't even care. I mean, I REALLY don't care. I have no motivation. I have almost accepted the fact that I'm going to be a fat girl for the rest of my life.
I tend to swing like this....for a year or so it will be all about desperately wanting to be thin. Then, for a year or so, it will be all about Fat Girl Power..why should I have to conform to the American media's definition of beauty...I'm beautiful on the inside...all that happy horsesh*t...
So, I guess the moral of the story is, I'm a big fat (no pun intended) posuer. I sit here and post and give encouragement and all I can think is, "I am SO tired of this treadmill to ****. I am SO tired of constantly worrying about my weight and feeling like my whole self-worth and abilities are some warped mathematical equation...jeans size + books knocked off desk by *** = what I am NOT worth as a woman and a mother and a lover and even a pretty damn good teacher." (As an aside, it REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pisses me off that some adoption agency thinks that Angi's weight has THING NUMBER ONE to do with whether or not she will be a loving mother to a motherless child!) And then I cop an attitude and say, "Who the f**k cares what I weigh, or how I look? Why should it MATTER to me?"
But on some level, it does matter. It must, otherwise I wouldn't be getting so all-fired preach-it-to-the-mountaintops on the side of who the **** cares.
I'm hoping this ends up being a good topic of discussion, otherwise I have just hung myself out to dry...
03-01-2003, 12:12 AM
Oh oh oh Jennelle...
I have this same conversation with myself as I'm shoving something nasty in my mouth. Sometimes I think the "who cares" attitude is just laziness - and I can be lazy! Sometimes the attitude is just an excuse to eat for THAT moment.
I keep trying to find B A L A N C E. Not going to extremes. ie. you going a year with the f*uck attitude - to the next year of gosh darn it "I want to be a princess - no.. I want to be a skinny b*tch!" (btw, Jessica - you are our princess here .. you're too darn cute!)
back to balance.
maybe we need to slow things down - have better E X P E C T I O NS from our journey. Don't make it all about "the numbers" Ask yourself: what do you really want to you want out of this journey? (aka - life) - odds are you are going to "I want to be happy"
I have yet to meet one of my "goals" that I have set here. It kind of brings me down - makes me feel ashamed. Then I look at how my life would be if I just quit - say "screw it all!" - and I would not be happy then for sure!! So I decide to slow things down.
Take today for example. I screwed up my food. Not as bad as if I was off it completly (no McDonald's bags laying around) - but I was not op. However I did go to the Y again tonight.
Am I healthier more today then yesterday - probably not really.
But more important - Am I happier? you bet ya!
Looking back now my message really didn't make much sense... but it was fun "typing out loud :dizzy: "
Big Hugs to ya Jennelle. In my books - sometimes just showing up puts you in the plus column.
03-01-2003, 12:42 AM
I can identify with some of how you are feeling.
I am tired of the treadmill to **** as you put it. It feels like I think about food 24-7. Either what I want to have, or what I should have instead. Tired of having to measure and count everything, because if I don't, I mess up and eat too much and am getting no where fast with out doing that. I wish I could just eat what ever I want, when ever I want, as much as I want until the the feeling to need to munch is satifsied. My dr once told me that I medicate myself with food. I guess I do, and all medicines have side effects ~ the side effect of this medicine is poor health.
Sometimes I feel like giving up ~ I get so tired of this battle, then I get scared and feel like I can't give up, because if I do, I will just keep getting bigger and bigger. I am a nurse and have taken care of some really large people ~ who have gotten so big that they can't even take care of them selves anymore ~ and I am scared that I will end up like that if I don't get things under control here.
Then there is the battle about your worth as a person because of your size. At work, I feel like I should keep moving at all times and never sit down, because if I sit down, someone will think that that big fat girl is lazy. So, I keep moving constantly so people won't think that about me. My feet are killing me ~ I want to sit down so bad when I am caught up, but I just can't let myself. And some people are so rude. One of my patiets (a little elderly lady) said to me one night ~ my lord, you're so big and fat, how do you manage to get around. Funny thing was, I was a good bit smaller than one of her family members.
Some days I just don't care. Especially when I am tired ~ doing the right thing just takes too much effort.
Then like you said ~ somehow it does matter in the end. I want to feel better, I want to be happy with myself ~ because I don't feel good or feel happy with myself as I am now.
I hope it hasn't been a bad thing for me to share my discouraged feelings. Sometimes it helps to write it down. It helps to know that someone else understands. I hope it helps you Jennelle to know that you are not alone.
Thank you all for listening.
03-01-2003, 01:19 AM
I think we all have those days(months, weeks, years) when its just not worth it anymore (Check my journal I struggle with this often). Nothing often seems to have a point and weightloss is boring. Not only is it boring it is time consuming. It requires effort.
Its much easier to sit around and eat and dream of tommorow when we will be thin or be delusionally "fat and healthy".Then there is how I feel about myself. The high I get when I excercise properly. The thrill I get when I see some of my efforts become transformations.
I think if it was easy it wouldn't be worth it. But more than anything else you have to know why you want it. When you thought about BFL did you write down your 5 goals, your 3 new behaviors? A 12 week challenge to see a change. What a small amount of time considering the years spent piling the fat and the unhealthy behaviors on.
Your absolutely not alone Jennelle and this is not a desperate situation. A time to reevaluate, reacess, and probably chuck the scale in the garbage and start doing it for you and your reasons not the SHOULD or WOULD person. I hope this makes sense. We can all do this.
03-01-2003, 03:32 AM
Originally posted by Jennelle
I have almost accepted the fact that I'm going to be a fat girl for the rest of my life.
Oh Jennelle. :grouphug: You are CERTAINLY NOT alone here. I have this same thought almost every day.
Even if I just lost 2# in a week, I still think, "Jeez, how much would you have lost if you hadn't been off plan with the food those 2 days?"
I think we are our own worst critics. I would never say to a friend some of the things I tell myself.
So, no, you are not alone. :)
03-01-2003, 11:14 AM
Hugs!! We ALL know just how you're feeling. Everyone one of us on this board. Even though there are not that many of us that actually post, we all have felt what you are going through.
I gained and lost the same five pounds for six months last year! What a big waste of time that was....well, I could look at it that way. Instead, I am looking at it differently. If I hadn't made any effort all, instead of gaining and losing the same five pounds for six months, I might have gained fifteen or twenty MORE pounds. So all your effort is not pointless.
I know this whole thing seems like one long pointless journey. I feel the same way sometimes. Like I'll never get anywhere near my goal...why am I fat? How come it seems like everyone else can have a normal relationship with food, not think about it, not have to measure everything, and make sure to exercise. Why do I have to sit and listen to two women at work moan how they don't have flat stomachs, when their bodies are sizes six or eight? How they make me want to puke, cause they're complaining about not being able to wear bikinis? I just want to wear a shirt tucked into jeans for chrissakes!
But you know what, everyone has something that they're dealing with. Unfortunately, ours is our weight, and the whole world can see it, and judge us, and think we all eat like pigs and are lazy. We know that's not true. The thin women at work were saying they need to start exercising. How many of us here, well over two hundred pounds-and the inspirations to us here who have gotten close to or under that number exercise nearly every day or every day (I do!) How many of us know more about nutrition and skinny people-or have lower cholesterol (I do!)
I don't know what the point of all my rambling is, but I want you to know that we're all here to help each other. You are NOT an imposter-you're human like the rest of us are here.
I also tried the "okay, so I'll be fat the rest of my life" mentality. That is when I was an imposter. When I pretended not to care. When I subscribed to BBW and Radiance (which are great magazines) and bought fat acdeptance books. I was trying to talk myself into accepting myself this way, but I can't do it. I don't want to be like this. I hate fighting for every lost poiund, but I'm going to keep on doing it.
If anyone is still reading this far, thank you!
I hope you feel better, Jennelle.
03-01-2003, 12:03 PM
Thanks you guys. :)
Where I live (in the Southern U.S.), big girls seem to be the rule rather than the exception. In fact, thinking about the women I work with (out of about thirty teachers, all but two are women) I can only think of three who are under about a size 12, and one doesn't count 'cause she's 6 months pregnant. :lol: When I look at them, I don't see fat lazy slobs. I see beautiful, witty, educated women. But maybe that's because I see them "in context." Funny thing is, though, I tend to assume that every single overweight woman I see behind me in line at the Wal-Mart or the gas station is also dieting, or at least wanting to lose weight. Maybe it's the perspective thing, I don't know.
I should have been an anthropology major. The question "How did society's measure of beauty in a woman swing from Rubenesque to Twiggy?" fascinates me to no end.
My problem is that I can't FIND the internal motivation. I truthfully do not CARE if other people think I'm lazy or slovenly because I'm fat. I'm good enough for my husband (who might not say anything because he has a good 50# or so to lose himself). My former "goal" of running a 5K sounds like such a colossal waste of my time now. (For some reason, the idea of being able to do something just because you can doesn't intrigue me much anymore. I think it's because I have teenagers and I keep telling them, "Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD." I guess I'm starting to internalize it! :lol: )
If I had a goal, it would be to hike the parts of the Cumberland Trail that start down near Chattanooga, Tennessee. Husband is not a hiker, though...bad knee and all. Daughter would HATE it (she's SUCH a girly-girl!)...Don't know if son would like it, but I could ask...That leaves me, and I can't hike by myself.
As for health goals...I look at someone like Emme, who swims and spins for at least an hour a day, and is still a size 14. (Her weight fluctuates between 190 and 205.) By society's standards, she's a fat girl, but she's ALSO very healthy. Maybe it pisses me off that people see her as a fat girl first, that people are SO amazed that a fat girl can be beautiful. On the other hand, maybe that should be my goal. Exercise for fitness first and weight loss second. In fact, that's a mighty fine goal! :D
Thanks for helping me talk this through, although it's not yet resolved by any stretch of the imagination.
03-02-2003, 07:42 PM
Bias towards heavy set and fat people is proven. Fewer promotions, fewer raises, fewer accolades have all been noted by men and women who've added weight to their "otherwise stellar" list of accomplishments.
But a lot of this is about us, in my opinion. I certainly don't feel as sure of myself as I used to before I added 100 pounds. Sure, some of this is external, but maybe some of this is our own baggage, too.
For example, Angi not being accepted as a loving mother because of her weight is ridiculous. Really. I mean, there are some SERIOUSLY unfit thin biological and adoptive mothers wandering around (can you say chemical dependency, neighbor?).
But on a smaller scale, my knees and back really ache the day after I've done a bit of exercise...and I'm in my early 40s. So it can't be very good for me. Neither can my lack of self esteem.
Yes, thin is in -- and has been since Jackie Kennedy. We've made some inroads, though -- there are nicer clothes for us, and we have some physical role models (like Emme, Star Jones, etc.) who are big AND beautiful.
Hang in there, Jennelle. If you choose to lose weight, do it for you -- and for hiking the Cumberland Trail with some friends who also may want to in a few months. Know that you're liked/loved by people because of you. And know you're an inspiration to us all.
03-02-2003, 08:03 PM
i know for me there are two me's living in my brain. there is the thin me - the before pregnancy and marriage me - who still sees myself as a size 2/4 and eats what she wants.
there is the me who sees the size 20 me and hates that me and resents my hubby and my child since it was the combination of pregnancy (i have a finally diagnosed liver disorder that pregnancy exacerbated) and a marriage i did not want that led to my weight gain.
neither me is me, if that makes sense. i am overweight. there. i said it. i am overweight because of things that were and were not under my control. losing weight IS a choice. i can be upset and accept that i am fat OR i can accept that there is a me deep inside that has nothing to do with weight and that i need to nurture that me. there is a me deep inside who wants to ski, run with my daughter and play without struggling for breath. there is a me who wants to be healthy, slim and happy without worrying about the size of a dress or a pair of jeans. and i want that particular ME to come out and kick the other "me's" booties!!!
jennelle, i understand. i do. some days the thought of a tape does nothing but lead me to anger and self hatred. i think "what's the point! i am a fat girl now. i might as well accept it." then my three year old asks me if i am fat and i want to cry. i stay inside and do not do the things that allow me to live. depression is overwhelming. and the horrible thing is i choose this response. i think losing weight is all about control - but our control problem is not with food. it is with dealing with the choices we have to make to get out there and live and be ourselves, society and their rules be darned.
good luck. i think we all have these moments and i know i have just recovered from six weeks of thoughts that lead me to no good... you are a wonderful person. you are more than your weight and bmi. i would like to think if we can concentrate on the me's that live within somewhere hidden away that know we are good positive people and work hard at getting them out there, the weight and everything else becomes secondary and we will want to do good things for our bodies, our lives and our health. i wish every one of you luck and am sending good thoughts your way!!
03-03-2003, 12:39 AM
Wow, what a great thread. Jennelle, thank you so much for sharing your feelings honestly. I don't know, are having no motivation and not caring the same thing? See, I always care, I just don't always care enough to try. I spend alot of time with closed eyes to my weight problem (learned that on my sessions with my shrink!) When I don't feel like dealing with it and putting in the time and energy, I just kind of act like it's OK. I think it's great that you come here and share and encorage no matter how you are doing in reagrds to your own situation. Because as long as you participate, some time, some where, the motivation will come. 3FC is exactly where my motivation came from this last time.
I know it can get discouraging with how hard we have to work to lose the weight. And nothing is more irritating than the size 6 that I work with that eats more junk food than you can imagine and when she joins curves they tell her she is not to lose weight and she wants to know if 16% body fat is bad.. AHHHHHHHH. Then I look at her life, severe money problems, abusive husband, low self-esteem. And I think I'd much rather have to journal every bite, exercise every day and count and measure and be me. Every one has their own cross to bear, our is managing our weight (among others). We make a choice every day if we will have an OP day, or an off day. It's a choice. We can say we are out of control, we can say it's TOM cravings, we can say it's emotional eating, but bottom line, we are making choices, good or bad.
One of the reasons that my program is working for me is because I chose a program that fits my life style. I eat what I want. Just less of it. Today I had pizza, not 1 slice - 3 slices and a breadstick. I just knew my calorie limits and ate accordingly. And to tell you the truth I had a ho ho for dessert. Doesn't sound like dieting to me. But breakfast was 1 cup of cereal and 1 cup of milk. There are the limits. Can't have it all. If I had chosen a doghnut for breakfast, it would have been chicken for dinner. It works for me because I know that if I say I need to eat nothing but salads and celery sticks, I won't stick to it. I LOVE food. I will always love food, but I also love my family and want to be healthy so that I can be with them for as long as possible. Do you think that BFL was too strict? I've always dreamed of being that buff, cut chick. But for now I'd be happy being somewhere near normal. whatever normal is.
I think Dana had a great point about finding balance. I think we get all motivated and then burn ourselves out. We need to find a way to get going at a medium pace so we have the energy to keep it up. Like last month, being "perfect" really took alot out of me. Being consistent is far more important than being perfect.