[OnMyWayDown]

First of all I am going to say that I apologize in advance for the fact that after being very active in late spring of last year on this forum that this time I have lurked in the shadows and not posted till now since I started Jan 10th. Seems kind of unfair to not support everyone else and ask for support now but it is what it is. And I feel lost.

This is obviously not my first time trying to lose weight! I did really well last may- aug or sept. but than each time I would go off plan it became a little longer until my husband and I decided to try and go back to it in january. Well of course after losing 44lbs I gained back like 40 of it!!!

So here I am back on the horse and I promised myself I would stick to it for the first month no exceptions! Well my mom invited us to dinner this weekend at a new place we really want to go to and that was perfect since it will have been exactly one month. So for the past 2 weeks I have known we were going. Easy right??? Well no.... Because I also told my husband who has been super supportive that we could also go do something fun on Sunday and not deal with the dieting thing. Although I know that I was not going to go crazy it now seems that he is off for a 3 day weekend and would like to take that time without large restrictions and so would I which puts us at Tuesday the 14 th which is valentines day! So my one cheat meal has turned into 4 days of not consistent dieting.

YES!!!! I want to participate in this but I am sooo scared and have been anxious about it for day's worrying that I will gain heavily since I have not budged out of these same 3 lbs for almost 9 days no matter how hard I try. How do I balance my dieting and my life?

Do I take a long weekend with my husband and than get back on the horse right after or do I not?

Am I failing if I do?

I have been 100% OP since the 10th of Jan and that means NO ALCOHOL! ( this is a hard one for me)
Eating only healthy stuff not proceseesed a basic day would be ( today as a sample)
Breakfast - bagel thin with maybe a teaspoon of low fat cream cheese
Lunch - 4-6 ounces grilled organic chicken with green beans and 0 fat spray butter
Dinner- chicken with small sliced tomato and Brussels sprouts with maybe 1/8 cup couscous no butter

I really would appreciate your feedback.....

On a side note I turn 30 November of this year and refuse to be obese by than so I have some sort of time limit as well

[linJber]

Well, first off, I'm glad you're back. Also, NEVER feel like you have to contribute every day to ask for help when you need it. Thirdly, the only failure is quitting. You haven't quit, so you haven't failed.

Now for the advice. How many calories are you eating a day? Your sample menu seems way low. You may be tricking your body into "starvation mode." The BMR for someone your age, weight, and height is about 1875 calories - that's what your body needs to exist, lying flat on your back asleep. When you adjust for activity, the sedentary range is about 2250, slightly active is 2575 and moderately active is 2900. Those are the numbers to maintain your weight. Let's say you are slightly active (exercise 1 - 3 days a week) and cut to 1500 calories a day. That's a deficit of more than 1000 calories a day - you should lose about 2 pounds a week. You might find that going higher in calories than what you're eating now allows your body to stop saving up because it thinks it's starving. (Remember, though, that BMR goes down as weight goes down.)

Phase two of the advice: Just about anyone should be able to enjoy a dinner out and stay under 2500 calories for the day. You should be able to do all the things you want in the 3 day (+ Valentine's Day) weekend and not feel you've been deprived. We are all going to find ourselves in situations that don't fit our old way of eating, but this isn't necessarily one of them. You can eat a lot of healthy food for 2500 calories. Even for 2000 calories.

Next comes the "preachy" part, so stop reading if you don't want to feel like you just got done talking to your mom. I'm more than twice your age. I was 250+ pounds for 25 years. Last January I knew I had to do this. You don't want to be obese at 30. I didn't want to be obese at 60. Sometimes we just have to kick ourselves in the rear and "do it." We ate all the wrong things in the past. Or ate the right things, but ate way too much of them. Or both - that was me. I always ate all sorts of healthy food. I also could pack away more crap than you can imagine. We can't kid ourselves. Except for very few instances, we are overweight because we eat too much. You have to decide what you want more - crappy food or better health. A friend recently asked me, "Now that you've lost weight can you eat normal foods?" Sheesh! I do eat normal foods. In normal amounts. What I did prior to last January was the abnormal part! We have to admit to ourselves that we eat too much and change it. It isn't punishment. It isn't prison. It's different from before. It's healthy. It's a reward, for Pete's sake!

If someone told us they were going to force us to do something against our will that was bad for our health, we'd fight them tooth and nail. But yet we fight against the one thing that is GOOD for our health every time we complain about our "diet." IT ISN'T A DIET. As cliche as it sounds sometimes, it really is a lifestyle change. And it truly is a change for the better. We have to allow it to happen rather than fight it. We have to get our heads on straight and realize we can do this with each other as support. We have to get in our own game mentally, regardless of what everyone else is doing.

Last May I stressed over a 5 day annual camping trip with 7 of my girlfriends. We rent a cottage on the lake and it is a non-stop food fest. I had lost about 55 pounds by then and was under 200 for the first time in 25 years. There was no way I wanted to blow that. For weeks prior, I was stressed over how I'd manage. Cake, cookies, brownies, candy, chips, dip, etc., everywhere. Funny thing is, we also eat very nutritious and healthy meals. But there is just soooo much junk. Huge breakfasts, big lunches, full meals for supper. With snacks all day and night. I decided to take it one meal at a time, one snack choice at a time. I could eat a handful of M&M's "this time," or maybe wait for "next time." That sort of thing. It worked. I had just as much fun as everyone else. I lost weight that week. I barely remember passing up the brownies. And when I do remember passing them up, I also remember that there will be a billion other opportunities to have brownies if I want them. Do the same thing. Unless it's something so fantastic you'll regret not having it when you look back on the occasion, just pass it up until the next time. Then, next time, decide again.

I apologize to all of you reading for the length of this post, but there's one more thing we have to remember. One day (or 4) isn't what gets us in trouble. My DD is very fit and healthy. She gains weight over the holidays, for example, and then takes it off right away. I think people without eating issues do that as a matter of fact. We heavies have a harder time putting on the brakes. We don't stop after one day or one week. We owe it to ourselves to change the way we think about food. And the way we see "failure" in our diets. One day is not a failure - not even a temporary failure. It just IS. The healthiest eaters out there have days when they eat non healthy stuff. We have to allow our brains to re-set and accept this as part of life. It isn't "all or nothing."

I hope you have a wonderful long weekend. Just jump back in with both feet on the 15th. I bet you'll do way less damage than you think you will with just a bit of caution.

Lin

[cathi888]

wait for "next time."

Thanks Lin. I think I am going to incorporate this into my thought process. Maybe it will give me the kick to stay on track.

[thistoo]

Honestly? Planning a binge (particularly a several-days-long binge) no matter how good your intentions for not going off the rails, is a recipe for failure. There is no way I could handle 'taking a break' from my plan and then dust myself off at the end of the break and just get right back on track. Even when I'm on vacation I have to be pretty vigilant if I don't want to feel awful, exhausted, and utterly defeated when I get home.

My advice is this: let your husband do whatever he wants, but if you really want to get the weight off, stick to your plan. You literally can't have your cake and eat it too in this scenario. You won't reach your goal by building in binges.

This is coming from someone who can't even handle a cheat day, so your mileage may vary. But I'm also losing my weight for the second time in two years, and I am here to tell you that it sucks more the second time around.

[OnMyWayDown]

LinJber- Let me start off by saying Thank You..... I read your post and suddenly it clicked a little. I know this is a lifestyle change and even though I keep telling myself that I was letting my fear of failing get in the way. I obviously can't be perfect all the time because that would be impossible. This time that I am back on the horse losing weight (as of Jan 10th ) I went into it with a much better realization of what needed to be done. I threw out the idea of following one of the restrictive diets I have done before. (south Beach diet, this crazy thing called a cookie diet, no carbs and so on.) and adopted a healthier way of eating with smaller portions. I no longer restrict myself from major groups of food. Well maybe cookies and crazy fat stuff are off the plan but I concentrate on a more balanced nutritious meal and smaller portions.
I honestly could not tell you what my calorie intake is????
I am a terrible calorie counter. I try to stick with lower calorie foods but am somewhat of a perfectionist and counting calories drives me insane as I never feel it is particularly accurate. Dinner last night which was completely filling just included a tremendous amount of veggies small starch and lean protein. Was going to upload a picture but cant figure out how. I think that I may up the calories slightly but we shall see how my body reacts.
As far as the "Mother" talk. If my mother gave me that talk a long time ago this wouldn't be an issue today. We all need a good kick in the butt once in a while.
I finally dropped out of my 3lb plateau this morning.
I am going to take your "next time" advice and enjoy the weekend with some inner control and than go back to completely OP on the 15th.
Thank you for your wisdom.... It was really needed.

Cathi888- I too think the "next time" plan is an awesome idea!!!!!!!

Thistoo-I appreciate your input but I must have made the wrong impression about this weekend. I have no intention of planning a BINGE weekend. I simply will not be following my strict plan where I have had nothing to drink but water with the exception of one cup hot tea per day and the very occasional half glass of low fat milk for dessert. I have not eaten one thing that is "fattening" not one bite. This weekend will simply allow me to go to dinner and if I want a glass of wine thats fine, if I want a single slice of pizza thats ok too. I agree with Lingjber that I am going to have to learn to live in this lifestyle not diet.

Also as far as my husband goes he has been super supportive and has eaten exactly what I have eaten this whole month except he has allowed himself the occasional beer or side of potato chips on Sunday. He will stay on whatever plan I am on because as he says "we are in this together". I realize that what he eats does not dictate what I eat however I respect the fact that he does not make me watch him eat a cheeseburger while I am eating a salad. Luckily I am in a marriage where we support each other and don't only think of each other and what we want.

Thanks again for your advice guys. This site is a true savior because I couldn't ask anyone else about these things without getting some rather one sided answers.

[linJber]

Glad to be of help! I'm good at the "mom" lectures! I could put you in touch with my daughter if you want proof, so feel free to ask for the pep talk anytime you need it.

This is a mental game. Once you (we) realize that, the rest is easier. And it's different for everyone. Your husband sounds wonderful. That's a huge help, too.

I, too, have trouble strictly counting calories. Worse would be following a strict plan like SB or Atkins. WW, maybe, but you still have to count. I cut white carbs. I cut sugar and fat. I eat as much fruit and veggies as I want. I try to plan sensible night time snacks because that's my worst time of day. It worked FOR ME. Four months isn't a long time to maintain, but I've stayed within 2 pounds of 162 the whole time. I'm trying to think along the "next time" theory all the time. But my SIL makes cheesecake to die for. And if I'm lucky enough to be at their house when she's made it, there is no "next time!" Some things are worth a small deviation from plan.

It sounds like you have it all together. Do what works for you. Don't stress. Get right back on plan. Actually, stay on plan for as much of each vacation day as possible, but don't stress over a glass of wine or a piece of pizza. AND . . . Check back in here when you get back. Be accountable to us. You just told us your plan. Now you have to stick to it or face total and utter humiliation and shame from us if you don't! (You can hear me laughing, right?)

Lin