[Nadya]

I've struggled with Depression as well as GAD and SAD for 10 years now. According to the doctor that diagnosed me, I've had them long enough to barely notice anymore so I'm not always 100% aware of when I'm actually having problems.

I think I'm Depressed again. First of all, it's cold and miserable out - I'm pretty sure that's a mood killer for me. Secondly, I'm lonely. I broke up with my boyfriend of four years in June after he cheated on me. We tried to reconcile a few times but he cheated again in December. I've tried meeting new people but it's left me feeling down...in all honesty, I feel like less of a woman. Since August, I've been sporadically seeing someone and have come to realize that I've fallen for him...which is probably the worst thing I could have done because nothing will never happen. It only makes me feel even more hollow inside, even more unlovable.

I know, in my head, that I deserve better. I can list good traits but at the end of the day, I'm still alone and sometimes I feel like I'm sinking in. I know I don't need someone, I don't need a boyfriend, no one does...but I crave that companionship and affection. The only time someone hugs me is when I see this guy every month or two. The rest of the time I have literally no physical contact with any other human being.

[aliasihaya]

I totally understand what you're going through. And you've actually had a boyfriend. I can't remember the last time that I've had one. And you have someone that will sometimes give you a hug. I don't really have that. So it could be worse.

I'm totally craving physical human contact. Just a hug would do. But because of my weight I don't think anyone wants to touch me. And deep down I partially don't think I'm worthy of being touched. And I'm also extremely infatuated with my next door neighbor with the wife and two kids. He's completely unattainable, so this situation makes me miserable since I own my house and can't move. But I'm sure there is some reason that I've fallen for someone I could never have. But I'll deal with that later. So I understand that aspect too. And I don't feel very feminine either. Because of my depression I tend to 'let myself go'. I don't really wear makeup to work anymore. My face is always broken out these days because I don't take care of it. And there are days that I work from home so I won't take a shower for days (TMI). And I wear the same things which gets old. Part of that is because it's so damn hard to find clothes that I like that aren't bedazzled or have huge ugly flowers all over them (I hate plus size stores).

So what to do about it....hmmmm....I'm not really sure. Both you and I need to pick ourselves up and move forward. Both you and I need to meet some new people. Easier said then done when you're outside of school settings. I don't have any desire to hang out with my coworkers. And all of my other friends are busy with their lives. I only see them when they can pencil me into their schedule. (gee I'm not bitter... )

And fighting the depression doesn't make it any easier. I do believe there is seasonal depression. I have a harder time in winter than I do in spring or summer. And the depression will suck any positivity out of your life. But I know there is a way to manage this. I'm on a lot of meds that my doctor keeps playing around with and a therapist. Neither have helped a lot yet but at least I'm trying. I don't recommend meds for everyone but maybe you need them for a bit for a boost.

But I would start with a therapist. Have you considered that? I always break down after I see my therapist. Because our sessions bring up so many things that I push down. But then after that break down I feel a little bit stronger. It's like working out. You have push yourself and feel a little sore and then the next time you work out you're a little bit better at it. So maybe having someone to talk to about all of this would help.

But I feel your pain. I'm working through it as well. This is a good place to vent. No one makes you feel ridiculous for what you post. So keep posting. And good luck. You never know. Something might eventually happen with that someone when you least expect it.

[Nadya]

Originally Posted by aliasihaya

And you have someone that will sometimes give you a hug. I don't really have that. So it could be worse.

I hate to admit it because I'm ashamed but...I'm pretty sure he's using me to some extent. Maybe not maliciously or intentionally but I think I'm mostly backup in case his on again-off again girlfriend leaves. I don't think I actually matter...which contributes to feeling as though if I were better, people wouldn't leave all the time.

EDITED for fairness...he isn't mean, he's shown kindness and has been honest, so I always feel like if she weren't actually in and out of the picture, he'd have stuck around. I asked if he was ever actually interested in me romantically and he said yes. It's just a difficult situation and I have this bad feeling that I'm the only one who is going to get hurt...despite the fact that I feel I'm the more innocent party, all I wanted was the guy, it's not like I was the one going between boyfriends and messing crap up. >.<

And I'm also extremely infatuated with my next door neighbor with the wife and two kids. He's completely unattainable, so this situation makes me miserable since I own my house and can't move. But I'm sure there is some reason that I've fallen for someone I could never have. But I'll deal with that later. So I understand that aspect too.

It's interesting that you said that given my own situation...which I didn't actually detail.

And I don't feel very feminine either. Because of my depression I tend to 'let myself go'. I don't really wear makeup to work anymore. My face is always broken out these days because I don't take care of it. And there are days that I work from home so I won't take a shower for days (TMI). And I wear the same things which gets old. Part of that is because it's so damn hard to find clothes that I like that aren't bedazzled or have huge ugly flowers all over them (I hate plus size stores).

Between all of that, the romantic problems, and the feeling that you aren't worth being touched...you are almost exactly like me. @.@

Both you and I need to meet some new people. Easier said then done when you're outside of school settings. I don't have any desire to hang out with my coworkers. And all of my other friends are busy with their lives. I only see them when they can pencil me into their schedule. (gee I'm not bitter... )

I'm worried about this myself, I graduate in May and I wasted my entire time being alone and Depressed. =(

But I would start with a therapist. Have you considered that?

I've seen a few over the years, I keep getting moved around either as a result of transferring schools or therapists being too busy and whatnot. I'm supposed to call one up for yet another transfer but I avoided doing it for some reason. =/

But I feel your pain. I'm working through it as well. This is a good place to vent. No one makes you feel ridiculous for what you post. So keep posting. And good luck. You never know. Something might eventually happen with that someone when you least expect it.

Thank you for your help, truly, you're great.

[grneyedmustang]

Hey Nadya! I understand how you feel, because I've been alone for quite a while now, and I really miss companionship and having someone just to tell me that they really like being around me, that they miss me.

I am an advocate of therapy also! I wish I had more advice but all I can offer is a

[debisusanne]

Well.. i go thru periods of mild depression.. and S.A.D. for sure... Ha.. my relationships ALWAYS end during the winter.
Mild depression leads to "letting yourself go".. which leads you to hate what you see in the mirror.. etc..

I am skipping men.. dating until kick my weight issues.. I am so much happier when men are right off my plate.

And I didnt like therapy.. I am a loner.. and it felt like some idiot was trying to "read into" things that werent there.. So, during the winter.. i tend to go to the Tanner.. cancer be damned.. i wanna be happy.