General chatter - Feeling Pressured...to lose weight.




vixxi
01-29-2012, 09:37 AM
This may get a little ranty but I feel have to get it out somewhere so I don't spend too much time thinking about it. Im going to be Bridesmaid in my friends wedding this July, that being said she told all of us Bridesmaids that we HAVE to lose weight for her wedding. Trying on bridesmaids dresses has been a real pain considering one in the party is a size 2 and the remaining girls are sizes 14 and up.

About a month ago we were at the gym taking a class and she told me I have to keep going to the gym with her because she won't have me looking like an Eggplant in her wedding! The dresses as you can guess, are a deep purple/plum. I don't know if this works for some of you ladies, but I don't find this to motivate me. It actually got me quite annoyed and if I don't lose weight by her wedding guess what will be floating around in my head? That I looking like a F***ing eggplant!!

Yesterday we all got together to try on dresses agian and finally found one that was flattering on all our body types. And then she announced that we all needed to lose weight. Mind you she has at least 50lbs. on me and all the other ladies in the wedding party.Everyone was kind of taken aback and when I reminded her of her eggplant comment, she denied saying it! She's been my friend for years and has always had a habit of making snarky comments and generally making me feel bad and putting me down. This has caused me to back away from the friendship many times as I've seen it as being somewhat toxic.

The thing is, I don't feel like trying extra hard to lose weight for her wedding after being told that I NEED to. It bothers me. And the last time we got together her sister looked at me and said "WE need to work on our arms!". Just RUDE. I would never comment on someone's looks/weight negatively, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

The thing is, I don't want to feel like I'm losing weight for her wedding, it's aggravating because I'm doing this me, at MY pace and now I'm being told I have to.
Any thoughts, advice or insight?? :hug:


Ruthxxx
01-29-2012, 09:50 AM
How very rude! I'd really think long and hard about whether or not I want to keep a toxic friend in my life. I'd not only back away from the friendship but would not participate in the wedding. (If you need an excuse, I could use some gardening help in July!)

bargoo
01-29-2012, 10:00 AM
Congratulations on your 22 pound loss. Remember you are doing this for you and not Bridezilla, you can't stop them from being rude but you can continue to lose weight for you not them.


124chicksinger
01-29-2012, 10:15 AM
I'd call her, pretty much immediately, and tell her thanks but no thanks...and if you need to not hurt her feelings say after consulting your finances you just cannot afford to be in her wedding and you wanted to give her enough time to find your replacement. Seriously, she is a horrible person to say that to you.

In the 80s, we had a friend who was grown, lived with his parents, didn't work, didn't shave, had long hair, dressed like a hippie---we loved him, he was our friend. We invited him to our wedding and he said he didn't want to ruin our wedding because he didn't own a suit, had no $ gift to give us, didn't want to have to cut his beard/hair. We said please, come. No gift necessary. No suit necessary. Wear jeans and a t-shirt for all we care, but come. Please. He did. We loved him and wanted him there, without condition.

How friendly are you with this friend? I'm going to give you a piece of "I'm a grown up now, my life experience" advice, ok? Friends can come and go, and they do come and go. When I was in my 20s (back in the 80s) everyone was getting married. I cannot list all the showers and weddings I went to, and the weddings I was in. Some of those people--we lost contact shortly thereafter because we were .... acquaintances .... high school pals ... that sort of thing.

IF you tell this girl "no" you won't regret it later in life---unless she is your best friend in the whole world and you can't imagine not being her friend.

I had a friend since 3rd grade. She got married in one town (where we grew up) and had the reception 2 hours away from where the wedding was held (where she then lived). She and I had already been somewhat estranged merely by the logistics of not living nearby and not hanging out anymore. My husband had to work the day of her wedding. I was not IN the wedding, but she had asked me would I sing a song of her choosing with the band...I said I would IF I went to the reception. She was mad that I said IF. My mom was elderly and could not watch my 2 y.o. daughter--my friend suggested I take my daughter to a stranger of a stranger....someone that I didn't know was dropping her kids off with their UNCLE. I don't know UNCLE. Maybe he's a pedophile. So no, that wasn't an option. She had no kids (still doesn't) and does not know what its like to trust your child to other people. Anyhow, after all the BS over it I decided it was best to just go to the church, rather than travel 2 hours to/from the reception, or stay at a hotel as she also suggested.

I brought my mother with me to the church. I gave a $150 check and card to the maid of honor to give to the bride at the reception. It was quite generous. 3 months later I got a thank you in the mail that stated something like "thanks for your gift...I'm mad at your husband (like it was his fault) and I'll never forgive you for not coming to my reception." So, I've not spoken to her in 20 odd years---and I haven't missed that friendship one bit.

Your friend has a lot of nerve.

astrophe
01-29-2012, 10:42 AM
Rude! :o

She's been my friend for years and has always had a habit of making snarky comments and generally making me feel bad and putting me down. This has caused me to back away from the friendship many times as I've seen it as being somewhat toxic.

I do not see how being toxic to people is friendly. Why did you agree to be in her wedding party if she's not a good friend to you? Is this a relationship you want to maintain?

If not, bow out of the whole fiasco now and say you feel overwhelmed. And if she presses tell her "Well, it's overwhelming enough in a normal wedding but with you getting all bridezilla rude... it's just too much. I am sorry, but I can't be a part of it." There. Brutal honesty.

Or if you want to fade away slower from the relationship since marriage tends to hog up people's time anyway...say that you want to be supportive as a wedding GUEST rather than a wedding party bridesmaid. Then you just have to attend the wedding and start the slow fade from her life and not bother with all this bridal party stuff.

Or if you just want to get thru the wedding bit since you already agreed and want to and have more time to mull the long term future of the relationship...

Really it is up to you how to manage this if you choose to go that long.

For example -- just don't go to the gym with her. Just go on your own and do your thing at your pace. There. Don't have to listen to her running commentary.

If she makes snarky comments at other times to you, call her on it RIGHT THEN rather than letting it stew.

Just say something like "Wow. I can't believe you said that out loud. " and remain calm and let her deal with the next step.

I think part of your upset is about not speaking up sooner and then letting it bug you and sort of fester later. So speak up!

Can also try another tactic -- parrot it right then. "You said _____. I think that means ______. Is that true? Am I right? " And see if she denies or corrects the misunderstanding or what. Sometimes it isn't so much the words but the feelings behind the words.

Now that you have all decided on a dress, there should be no "choose a dress" meetings. So that's done. There's probably a fitting closer to the date to be sure everything is fine.

It was bad of her to talk about you looking like an eggplant, but it wasn't good to repeat it either. Now the other poor bridesmaids have to wonder about looking bad and adding to wedding stress doesn't help. Spreading misery isn't the answer.

If she has a cow again at the bridal party -- Just speak up what everyone is already thinking. "Wow. You aren't being very nice to your bridesmaids. What's up with that?"

Say no more and no less. The other people have eyes to see and ears to hear how she is being.

GL with all this!

A.

Italiannie
01-29-2012, 10:43 AM
Oh my goodness, this bridezilla is really out of control.

Congratulations on your weight loss. That is wonderful.

You could think about calling her and telling her that you don't know how much weight you will lose by her wedding, but if what you're doing isn't going to be enough for her, that maybe she should let you off the hook as a bridesmaid because you don't want to "disappoint her."

This should either give her a dose of reality or you'll have an "out" and can gracefully decline her offer to be a bridesmaid - did you pay for a dress already?

Other than that, I don't know what you can do besides ignore her. Whatever you do decide to do, I'm sure it will be the right decision.

Hang in there, and congratulations again on your weight loss success!

JudgeDread
01-29-2012, 10:44 AM
http://www.feministe.us/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/bridezilla2.jpg

BRIDEZILLA ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Some friend, in my opinion...and a hypocrite. If you want to loose weight do it for you. In spite of her I would keep on the weight just to piss her off haha. Seriously though, I don't know how close you are with the bride, or a sister of the groom whatnot...but damn just for saying that I would tell her to shove the bridesmaid dress up her @$$!

If nothing else you can tell her you will be the sexiest eggplant there, but the whole crowd will be focused on Captain Aheb and his White Whale! (mean I know, but she deserves that.)

sontaikle
01-29-2012, 11:05 AM
Wow...just wow.

Back out of the wedding AND the friendship. Stress of the wedding or not, you do NOT treat friends that way.

Bellasmommy924
01-29-2012, 11:11 AM
I know how you feel.. kind of.. i was in a wedding 9 months after my daughter was born.. i was using HER wedding as MY motivation.. which totally does NOT work!! You want to lose weight, you need to do it for you, I especially cannot believe that she weighs MORE and is pressuring u guys to lose weight, that shocks me.. I would ignore her, and if she keeps it up tell her she will lose 189 lbs before the wedding because u wont be a bridesmaid.. lol

freelancemomma
01-29-2012, 11:15 AM
<<she told all of us Bridesmaids that we HAVE to lose weight for her wedding. >>

Wow! Can anyone say control freak? Personally, I would tell your friend that if she doesn't want you in the wedding party "as is," she can go look for another bridesmaid.

Freelance

shanhat81
01-29-2012, 11:26 AM
<<she told all of us Bridesmaids that we HAVE to lose weight for her wedding. >>

Wow! Can anyone say control freak? Personally, I would tell your friend that if she doesn't want you in the wedding party "as is," she can go look for another bridesmaid.

Freelance

You said it, Freelance. OP, the bride has NO RIGHT to treat you this way.

Beck
01-29-2012, 11:30 AM
She needs a good dose of Miss Manners! How rude and presumptuous of her to suggest that you all need to lose weight for her wedding. A friend asks another to be part of their special day regardless of their weight, and anyone who makes such demands needs to work on their interpersonal skills.

sontaikle
01-29-2012, 11:35 AM
She needs a good dose of Miss Manners! How rude and presumptuous of her to suggest that you all need to lose weight for her wedding. A friend asks another to be part of their special day regardless of their weight, and anyone who makes such demands needs to work on their interpersonal skills.

Yes this!

I'm getting married. My bridesmaids are all different shapes and sizes from 00 to over size 20. I would never EVER dream of asking any of them to gain or lose weight for my wedding.

It's going to be a challenge to find a dress that would flatter them all (because their heights are also all over the place) so what I might do is decide on a color, give everyone a swatch of fabric in that color and tell them to find a dress that works for THEM.

I always thought it was silly that the bridesmaids all have to wear the exact same dress. If all your bridesmaids are of similar body types then I suppose that it works, but who really has friends and family who are all exactly the same? :?:

MzMoMo
01-29-2012, 11:38 AM
Your friend, and I am using that term loosely, sound incredibly superficial. Congratulations on your weight loss. I hope you are able to come to the right decision on how to deal with your situation after reading all of the good advice posted on here. I personally would not be in her wedding and would not consider her a friend. Friends uplift not tear down. Good luck!

Beach Patrol
01-29-2012, 11:52 AM
Wow...just wow.

Back out of the wedding AND the friendship. Stress of the wedding or not, you do NOT treat friends that way.

^^this^^

I would NEVER have a *friend* who treated me that way & **** sure wouldn't be in her wedding.

& may I just say... Congrats on your weight loss thus far! You're DOING IT! :bravo:

Heather
01-29-2012, 11:54 AM
Many people are discussing the specific situation with the bride... I'll just say that when I was younger and felt forced to lose weight by someone else that it backfired. To be successful, weight loss has to come from inside us, not from someone else.

I would also rethink being in the wedding party...

vixxi
01-29-2012, 12:11 PM
Wow, thank you for all of the great responses! The bride has been my friend for many years and was at one point considered my best friend. We have been through many up's and down's in our relationship and like many have suggested, I have reconsidered our friendship many times. Our friendship now is very arms length due to disclosing personal information to her that she deemed suitable to be made public (not cool) I no longer tell her anyting too personal about myself or my relationships with others. We are more of walking buddies, occasional lunch/coffee date friends.

In the past when she has said something offensive to me I have called her out on it, we've even "broken up" over these types of things and I have definately fully expressed how she makes me feel, "when you said *blank" it made me feel "blank" etc. etc. she only really gets it if you spell it out to her, otherwise she dosen't get that what she has said/done is hurtful.

As I'm sure many of you can tell this relationship is a lot of work and like another poster suggested, I definately would rather be a guest in the wedding than in the bridal party. I did agree to be a bridesmaid and I'm not going to go back on what I agreed to even though she is being a nut. After the wedding over is another story. Thank you for all the support and suggestions, I really appreciate it!!:hug::hug:

evilwomaniamshe
01-29-2012, 12:20 PM
:fr: Seriously, I friend would NEVER EVER make such @ssanine statements!
I certainly wouldn't stand up for her on her wedding day, screw that- I'd tell her that you are bowing out of the wedding & that she can go find herself another eggplanty! ... 'nuff said! :D

You are doing well on your weightloss, continue at a pace that works for YOU, NOT for anyone else!!!! Jeeze... :fr:

LiannaKole
01-29-2012, 12:25 PM
I understand not wanting to back out. I have a similar friend and though sometimes I wonder why I stick around, there are times that we get along great and have an awesome time together. My friend isn't as demanding as your friend, though (she likes that I'm 45+ lbs bigger than her), but she has hurt me deeply before.

My solution was to "contain" the friendship. I didn't share certain stuff with her, I didn't expect certain stuff from her (for any real support), and I won't give her certain things (my trust). It works out fine. I'm not disappointed, and she isn't expected to give more than she can.

I say that if you ordered the dress in the size that will actually fit you at the wedding even if you lose no weight (or thereabouts), then the bride doesn't have to know if you do or do not lose weight. Don't talk about it. If she demands to know your progress or that you go to the gym, say something vague and change the subject subtly. It works wonders for me.

But yeah, don't do this for her. And I understand her demands being a disincentive. It's funny how orders to lose weight = no motivation, but when someone says the equivalent of "you don't have to lose weight" = motivation.

Good luck with your friend and her wedding, and good luck with your own weight loss. Congrats on your loss so far! :)

shcirerf
01-29-2012, 01:05 PM
Sheesh! What a rag!:devil:

Since you've said you're not going to back out of the wedding, just keep on doing your weight loss for you.

At an average of 4-5 pounds a month, a sane loss rate, you will be around 20-25 pounds down!:carrot: That would put you in the 160's. For your height, you should be smokin' hot in that dress! Flaunt it!

My vindictive side would want to flaunt it in a "very in your face bridezilla" way.:D

Theresa
01-29-2012, 01:34 PM
Yes this!

I'm getting married. My bridesmaids are all different shapes and sizes from 00 to over size 20. I would never EVER dream of asking any of them to gain or lose weight for my wedding.

It's going to be a challenge to find a dress that would flatter them all (because their heights are also all over the place) so what I might do is decide on a color, give everyone a swatch of fabric in that color and tell them to find a dress that works for THEM.

I always thought it was silly that the bridesmaids all have to wear the exact same dress. If all your bridesmaids are of similar body types then I suppose that it works, but who really has friends and family who are all exactly the same? :?:

I think your idea of giving everyone a swatch of fabric in the color you decide and let them find a dress that works for them is brilliant! Congratulations. Excellent idea. Have a very wonderful wedding and a very very happy life.

runningfromfat
01-29-2012, 02:51 PM
Wow, that's interesting...

I do have to say after hearing that her sister is that way too... I really have to wonder about that family. Were their parents super obsessed with their looks or something? It seems like there's a lot more going on there... It seems like there are some MAJOR insecurities coming out on your friend's and her sister's part. Why in the world is there such a need for "perfection" I have to admit this baffles me, especially when you said the bride has a decent amount to lose too. Maybe she is trying to force others to give her motivation through also losing? It seems like she has difficulties grasping basic social concepts.

As for you. I agree 100% that you should lose for YOURSELF, not others. You're doing absolutely amazing so far. Keep doing what works at your pace, not anybody else's!!!

vixxi
01-29-2012, 03:56 PM
runningfromfat, my friend comes from a family that has always put her down and picked on her. Her mother and sister specifically. She has moved out of her home situation about a year ago and is no longer the household scapegoat. Since she has moved out, she has been better. We have had discussions about her mother and sister and I've told her she needs to be careful not to follow in their footsteps. It definately seems that all the verbal and emotional abuse she has put up with has had a major effect on her and has proven to spill into other aspects of her life, like how she treats her friends.

runningfromfat
01-29-2012, 04:01 PM
runningfromfat, my friend comes from a family that has always put her down and picked on her. Her mother and sister specifically. She has moved out of her home situation about a year ago and is no longer the household scapegoat. Since she has moved out, she has been better. We have had discussions about her mother and sister and I've told her she needs to be careful not to follow in their footsteps. It definately seems that all the verbal and emotional abuse she has put up with has had a major effect on her and has proven to spill into other aspects of her life, like how she treats her friends.

I'm sorry to hear that. I have to wonder... maybe due to the wedding (and I'm guessing she's spending more time with her family due to the preparations) she's being affected quite a bit by her family?

You mentioned above that you have been rather close to her in the past to the point that you've called her out before about comments like these. If you are that close it might not be a bad thing to point out to her what's happening. I say that because I bet she's not just isolating herself from you but other friends too. If she is trying to move past an abusive past it really might be hard for her to understand was is/isn't appropriate behavior. Maybe a caring friend could help her out (if you know already that she's someone who will listen). :hug:

MariaMaria
01-29-2012, 07:05 PM
So what happens if you don't lose enough weight to make her happy?

(I'd, personally, have backed out already.)

momof3preemies
01-29-2012, 07:18 PM
first off let me just say there hun 5'6 and 189, you will not look like an eggplant!!!!!!!!! so if you decide you want to stick to being in the wedding flount your body girl you have lost a lot already and im sure looking wonderful.

MiZTaCCen
01-30-2012, 10:05 AM
How have you not smacked the **** out of her? I don't care how long someone has been your friend what her issues are, but she sure as **** is NOT a friend. You have friends like that who needs any enemies...jeez!

I'd walk away from the wedding and from her but thats just me, I rather have quality friends over quanity.